Morai Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) I really wish that I had more good things to post about. My boyfriend was supposed to come see me in a little over two weeks after nine months of waiting. He went to India for work and promised me that he'd have the hotels and little things sorted out before he went. That didn't happen. He then promised me he'd have it done the day after he got there. That didn't happen either. He promised me he'd call me when he had some free time 4-5 days into his trip so we could talk about it. I stayed up all night waiting for him despite having to work in the morning and that didn't happen either. Now I haven't heard from him since. He was supposed to be home on Saturday. No email, no text, no facebook, despite me reaching out over all of those. I'm taking unpaid time off for his visit, something in all honestly I really can't afford, and now I don't even know if he's still coming. As its almost two weeks away and as far as I know, we have no hotel, no car arrangements, no flight, nothing. I haven't seen him in nine months and I've already had to deal with the pain of getting blown off once because of his job earlier this year. Recently all I know how to feel is sad and numb. I'm getting really complacent and that scares me. It hurts that he can go for what seems like weeks at a time and be perfectly okay with it. I never get an "I missed you" or "I love you "s unless its something I've said first that he's responded to. And now its been over two weeks since we've talked properly and I haven't gotten a word from him. I know a majority of it was because he was in India, but right now I don't even know if he got home safely or if he's still there or somewhere else and I've literally worried myself sick again. I'm just so scared that I'm going to be okay with this forever because I love him, but I'm really not. I'm not even sure if he's thought about ending the distance at all. He seems to be settling more over there without me and I feel more and more in the background. And its not even something I can't talk to him about because I have no idea where he is. I just dunno anymore. My best friend, the only one I can talk to, is on the other side of the country, and it sucks having to be all excited and happy about a trip that I'm not even sure is still happening at home because all I'll get from my parents is an "I told you so." I don't know what happened. We were so good and I went to see him and it fit so perfectly. Now here I am 8 days away from our three year anniversary crying my eyes out because I don't know where we went. I feel so helpless and I feel crazy for feeling that way. I know if he does end up coming it'll be just the way it was, perfect, like we fit together, but then what happens when he goes home? I wish I had more people in my life that know what I'm going through, because this really sucks. Edited July 10, 2012 by Morai
TMichaels Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Morai, I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it. But, IIRC this "disappearing act thing" seems to be a habit with this guy. Also IIRC, you may have been in a relationship with him for three years, but you've only met in person once, nine months ago, right? I dunno, I know how much you would like this all to work out, but it sure seems like you're putting a lot more into this relationship than he is. If I were you, I'd stop contacting him. You shouldn't have to beg to get some attention and time. I'd also rescind your vacation request and go about your business regardless if he contacts you or not. It's ridiculous that he's had nine months to work out his travel plans and you're two weeks away and to your knowledge there's nothing in place. If he contacts you before now and then, tell him you're sorry but he can't leave you hanging like that. It's rude, insensitive and inexcusable behavior and you don't deserve and won't allow anyone to treat you with so little disregard. Bottom line is, Morai, you've been too forgiving of the way he's been treating you for a very long time, and you have every right to be angry, hurt and upset. But, unless you draw the line in the sand and make it clear to him what the boundaries are and that you're not going to tolerate being treated like crap, he's going to continue to do so. If he can't straighten up his act or isn't willing to, then no matter "how perfect" things seemed to be when you were together, truth is, it doesn't matter. You don't want or deserve a lifetime of that sort of heartache and misery and that's how it will be. "Experience is what we all call our mistakes" -- learn from it, be wiser and get stronger because of it. And, don't ever settle for less than you deserve. Best, TMichaels 4
ladyabstrused Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Couldn't have said it any better than TMichaels above. Morai, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a jerk. :( Last I read one of your posts was when you seem so excited and happy about meeting him. Be strong now and I hope you will feel better soon. *hugs* 1
ON MY OWN Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I agree, it was perfectly said. A broken heart does heal in time, but you do deserve way better than what this guy has to offer which isnt much. I am sorry to hear he did that to you too...start in your healing efforts, he doesn't deserve someone like you. You have a lot to offer to a person who is kind, caring, and respectful of you and your time. Wish you the best, OMO 1
Author Morai Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) Things never used to be this way. We fought about not spending enough time together or talking enough some but he was always there. We were always in contact through texting but its just been recently that he's fallen off the map. The last time it happened his father died. I'm just worried about him being okay. He's always been the one to tell me to think about myself and what is best for me. He always pushed me to keep at school and never let anything, even us, get in the way of that. He was so excited about planning things and getting everything settled before stuff happened with his father and his work schedule got hectic. He was the one that brought up seeing me again a day or so after I got home and he was the one on my case to go look, but everything got flipped around. I wouldn't put up with half the stuff I do if I didn't really love him and reading that people are calling him a jerk and not worth the time kills me. I'm not justifying anything, because he is being kind of a butt head about stuff, but no one here really knows him, just me and what I'm going through. This isn't my first relationship, far from it. Its not just the "he can't do anything wrong" attitude people get from their first love that makes them blind to everything going on, because I see it but I choose to put up with it because I see everything that he's going through too. I texted him and emailed him yesterday telling him that if I didn't hear from him by Friday that I'd be cancelling my vacation request with work and that'll probably be it because I can't wait another six months to see him, I was falling apart waiting the extra four when he had to cancel seeing me in March. I went through all of our old texts and skype conversations the past few days and how I feel now and how happy I have been with him is just so stunningly different. We've worked through everything. I just can't imagine not working through this, and its killing me inside. I've been a better me because he pushed me to be. I can trust people because he pushed me to allow myself to let him in first. He's the only one that, despite my rocky relationship with my parents involving physical and emotional abuse, that understands why they're still an important part of my life. he was there when my grandfather died, when my father almost died and when my best friend left and then came back and left again. He's been such a solid part of my life through a very crucial part of me finding myself and growing into who I am that I can't imagine my life without him or who I'd be without him and that I might have to start doing that scares the hell out of me. I don't even know if any of that makes sense but I can't just walk away because I'll never feel like I tried hard enough to save it. Edited July 11, 2012 by Morai
FitChick Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 You say "he's been there" but he hasn't been there physically so it's just words. I think he's lost interest after all this time and might have found someone else closer. Why don't you say something like "Your silence speaks volumes. I'm sorry things haven't worked out for us but I wish you well in your life. Good luck."
Author Morai Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 I'm pretty sure that you've assumed that someone is cheating or found someone else on every thread I've seen you post on, Fitchick.
Author Morai Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 He got into a motorcycle accident and just got out of the hospital and home yesterday. I want to kill him myself now. At least he's okay. I'm going to try and talk to him when he feels better one more time and hope things change. I really can't throw three years away.
justwhoiam Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 He got into a motorcycle accident and just got out of the hospital and home yesterday. Glad to hear he's still alive. I was just watching the conversation going on, but didn't feel like saying anything. There were not enough elements to say anything about it for me.
ladyabstrused Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I wouldn't put up with half the stuff I do if I didn't really love him and reading that people are calling him a jerk and not worth the time kills me. I'm not justifying anything, because he is being kind of a butt head about stuff, but no one here really knows him, just me and what I'm going through. This isn't my first relationship, far from it. Its not just the "he can't do anything wrong" attitude people get from their first love that makes them blind to everything going on, because I see it but I choose to put up with it because I see everything that he's going through too. I'm sorry, Morai. I didn't mean to insult or judge him but it just seemed so bad how he treated you. I can only go by what you wrote in your OP, but now I have a clearer picture of the situation. I've been a better me because he pushed me to be. I can trust people because he pushed me to allow myself to let him in first. He's the only one that, despite my rocky relationship with my parents involving physical and emotional abuse, that understands why they're still an important part of my life. he was there when my grandfather died, when my father almost died and when my best friend left and then came back and left again. He's been such a solid part of my life through a very crucial part of me finding myself and growing into who I am that I can't imagine my life without him or who I'd be without him and that I might have to start doing that scares the hell out of me. I don't even know if any of that makes sense but I can't just walk away because I'll never feel like I tried hard enough to save it. I'm glad that you've had him as your pillar of strength to get you through those ordeals in your life. He must hold a special place in your heart and true, 3 years is a lot to just give up on. I don't blame you for wanting to try to save your relationship. It's only understandable. I do wish you all the best in this. Hope things take a turn for the better. *hugs* He got into a motorcycle accident and just got out of the hospital and home yesterday. I want to kill him myself now. At least he's okay. I'm going to try and talk to him when he feels better one more time and hope things change. I really can't throw three years away. Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear about the accident. :\ Hope he's doing all right. How is he doing now?
TMichaels Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) He got into a motorcycle accident and just got out of the hospital and home yesterday. I want to kill him myself now. At least he's okay. I'm going to try and talk to him when he feels better one more time and hope things change. I really can't throw three years away. I'm glad to hear that, Morai, however, my advice would still be "trust but verify." I once had an OH that gave a similar excuse. Supposedly was in the hospital as well which made me feel bad for jumping to conclusions and feeling angry and hurt when I'd had no word for nearly two weeks. I retrospect, I have my doubts that was what really happened as a couple of years later when I mentioned something about "be careful so that you don't have another attack and end up in the hospital " OH had no clue what I was talking about. It took several back and forth exchanges before OH's memory was restored about the incident. In my case, at the time OH realized I was also ready to throw in the towel due to erratic and less-than acceptable communication, and in hindsight, I believe that OTT excuse was just pulled out of the air to placate me -- after all, what kind of person can be angry their SO hasn't been in contact because they've been in hospital? So yes, while it's good you've finally heard from your b/f, I'd still tread lightly if I were you and keep your eyes and ears open. Yes, it could just be coincidence, but it's interesting that you never heard from him *until* you sent a message saying that you were cancelling your vacation request at work and hinted at things being over between you if you didn't hear from him by the end of the week. Even if he's not lying about his motorcycle accident, he still has had nine months to make travel/holiday reservations and plans, and he hasn't mentioned anything about having done so and his visit is less than two weeks away. That's just plain irresponsible and shows no respect for you and your time. I'd also insist he give you contact information for at least a couple of his friends and family members -- and he also give them or others *your* contact information along with instructions that if anything ever happens again which prevents him from getting in touch with you for more than a few days that they will make contact in his stead and let you know what's going on. If he balks at that, I'd be wary. If you truly care about someone, honoring that sort of request is a no-brainer but will be deemed unnecessary or excessive by someone who's not as invested in the relationship as you. Hope you're able to get things sorted out but don't let the relief you feel in hearing from him cloud your judgement. He's still got a lot of explaining to do and needs to know he has to clean up his act if he expects your relationship to continue. Best, TMichaels Edited July 13, 2012 by TMichaels 2
Author Morai Posted July 17, 2012 Author Posted July 17, 2012 Well. Nothing has gotten better. In fact I've been preparing myself for the worst since he got home. I talked to him Thursday morning when he told me he was going to work then the hospital. I didn't hear from him all weekend and he kept his phone off, I assumed they kept him in the hospital but I found out he was at his sisters all weekend. He told me Monday morning where he was and that we needed to talk and to let him know when I was free either tomorrow or Thursday. I told him I worked both days and asked him about a visit and how it went at the doctor but he's blatantly ignored every single one of my messages. So I canceled all my vacation time this morning and told him that unless what he had to say to me was that he was sorry and things would change that I didn't want to hear it. And that I wasn't fair of him to keep pushing me aside and expecting me to be okay with it. And that he hurt me more than any other time combined this past month and that I was done with it. I was going to tell him to piss off and change my number and make a new email etc. But I decided to hear him out tomorrow and go from there after talking to my best friend. I'm prepared for the worst. I've been getting all the crying out this past week. If he wants to break up with me on our three year anniversary I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. I'll post about how it goes I suppose.
Author Morai Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Well he told me early Wednesday morning at like 1 or 2 AM that he wasn't ignoring me and that he was in Denmark for work and that "He was sure to fly in this afternoon." Since then I yet to hear anything from him. I sent him a letter, well more like an email of a letter I scanned and attached for him, on Wednesday explaining exactly how I felt, that I loved him and I felt like I was losing my best friend and one of the only people that understood me and that I couldn't honestly say that I was as trusting of him now as I was when I went to see him. Wednesday was also the day he said he would have time to talk to me, it was also our 3 year anniversary. I told him yesterday morning on my way to work that I would be changing my phone number along with everything else. Email, facebook, deleting WhatsApp from my phone etc. essentially cutting him off, if I didn't hear from him by next Wednesday. Which I fully intend to do even though it will probably kill me to do so. Guess I get to sit here and wait.
ladyabstrused Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Sighs.. Hope you won't be left feeling so hurt. *hugs* Just don't know what to say here. It just sucks to read about your situation and what you're going through. How things change just like that. :\
Author Morai Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 I just wish I knew what the hell was going on inside his head for him to think this is okay.
JWRP Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Morai, you seem articulate enough to deserve someone willing to communicate their emotions and basic schedule to you. If he's begining to distance himself then he can't place you over his other 'priorities' - which in all honesty, none of us will ever know. Best of luck finding someone that works on communicating thier feelings and problems like you. 1
wildgeese Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Is he typically avoidant when he's uncomfortable or unsure? I just ask because if he usually is - say he's upset by someone at work but would only complain about it and not really deal with the issue - then that could be what's happening. He can't handle the confrontation so he's completely avoiding it. Of course I have no idea, but wanted to offer maybe another possibility. Whatever is happening, his behavior isn't good or acceptable. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. 1
Author Morai Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Is he typically avoidant when he's uncomfortable or unsure? I just ask because if he usually is - say he's upset by someone at work but would only complain about it and not really deal with the issue - then that could be what's happening. He can't handle the confrontation so he's completely avoiding it. Of course I have no idea, but wanted to offer maybe another possibility. Whatever is happening, his behavior isn't good or acceptable. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. No, not at all. In the beginning of our relationship I was the one to bottle things up he was and always has been the one to let me know when he thought something I was doing was irritating or had an issue with something etc. Within the last year or so we've ALWAYS been able to work things out. I have a bit of a temper sometimes so I'd walk away for a little and then come back to talk it through and let him know how I felt. The only exception is when his father died. That's when the Houdini acts started, but since then we've been okay. He'd made an effort to be around more and make more time for me. Things were slowly going back to normal. Which is why I'm so shocked that this crap is happening again.
Author Morai Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) I still haven't heard anything from him. Despite my letter and ultimatum. I was okay today until I looked at his facebook. I check it every so often just to see if he's been on and is actually ignoring me and he hasn't been on FB at all that I can see. Someone had posted a picture of him from when he was in India though, and I don't know what's wrong with me all of a sudden. I was okay and getting on with life now I'm melting down again. I really don't know what to do with myself with out him and its scaring the hell out of me. He's been in my life for so long and been such a pillar of strength for me through everything, for him to just disappear like this like I don't mean **** to him, its eating me. Literally. I just want things to go back to the way they were, and at this point, I know they probably won't. Edited July 25, 2012 by Morai
ladyabstrused Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I'm sorry to read the negative updates, Morai. How are things now though? Have you heard from him at all since the above post?
Author Morai Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Turn out he was ignoring me. And picked his job over me.
amayana Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 Morai, I've read everything that got posted in this thread and reading your story was truly heart-wrenching. I see why you don't understand why he's acting the way he is, especially after 3 years of being together. Even I wish I could talk to him and ask what the hell is going on. This relationship, as much as I hate to say it, seems to have become more destructive than wholesome. A relationship shouldn't be making you suffer for days or weeks on end. It should give you and your SO the opportunity to grow individually AND together despite the distance, despite work, etc. You've given him warnings, you've told him how much you suffer, you've made a lot of effort to communicate with him in every way possible and he doesn't seem to care much and that's horrible! I understand that if you love someone you think you're ready to accept their faults and shortcomings but I believe that this is a whole new level and can no longer be regarded as a fault or a shortcoming but more like carelessness. If it comes to this, I usually believe it is time to part for a couple. However, I can feel how much you care about him and a part of me hopes that you'll be able to grow together again. Stay realistic though and do not torture yourself. I wish you the best of luck. 1
IfiKnewThen Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 its good its over. not that its over but that now you know. actions speak much louder than words. always remember this. i have to too. its a shame he didn't have to account for anything. the ultimatum done before any accountability on his part. but dont look for that accountability now. go no contact. action speaks louder than words with some men. he sounds like he almost expects more "words" from you. do the unexpected. that will blind sight him more. warning: he may come back to "test" you. dont fail the test. meaning. dont be too quick to fall for it. kind words...a hello. make him have to work for you so that he can value you more...for the work he put in and invested. he sounds like he hasnt made enough of an investment. you carried the torch. you kept most of this alive. i know he was good in the beginning. i know you probably think youre to blame. just dont chase him anymore. see it as over. accept it as soon as you can. make yourself stronger. pray. but he doesnt get you back ever again if he doesnt work for it and i mean...that takes time and really proving. not just an over night panic on his part. be silent and strong...till you need to speak again. but the more and more time you put off talking.....the more you will truly know what to say to him. because your head and heart have to be in agreement. that takes time. and gives you the real answers you need. this is so very hard to really explain. its a process. good luck God bless and keep you.
ladyabstrused Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 Turn out he was ignoring me. And picked his job over me. *big big hug* You holding up okay, Morai?
Author Morai Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 I was okay. Got a tattoo, cut my hair started working out. And here I am now. Crying my eyes out because it finally hit me how much I miss him and how much of an ass I am for reacting the way I did to him telling me how he was feeling.
Recommended Posts