woinlove Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You could be right but he's not betraying me or breaking vows to me. He is always honest with me. Believe me I'm hurting too and being punished for my poor choices. This isn't about my bad moral choices the post is about should I tell her even if I end things with him or do I allow him to continue to lie to her. What makes you happy? 6.5 yrs is a long time and maybe it makes you happy being in this situation, sharing a man who is lying. Or maybe you have been stuck for a very long time and don't like the lies and sharing. If the latter, then you should do something to change it. Could be ending it, could be telling his W, could be both. What makes you happy?
woinlove Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I know this will never happen but part of me wishes her and I could compare notes to see what lies each of us are being told. He is always honest with me. Why do you want to know what lies he has been telling you when you say he is always honest with you? 1
AbeNormal Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You could be right but he's not betraying me or breaking vows to me. He is always honest with me. Believe me I'm hurting too and being punished for my poor choices. This isn't about my bad moral choices the post is about should I tell her even if I end things with him or do I allow him to continue to lie to her. HE IS ALWAYS HONEST WITH ME - you say. An inherently dishonest person is, well ... inherently dishonest. There is no "dishonest with his wife" but "honest with me". He is dishonest - period. We all have our frailties and this can get us into a situation of confusion/uncertainty - PLEASE consider the fact that you deserve better. 1
Sal Paradise Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I have been involved with a MM for 6 and a half years. He told his wife 8 months ago and was suppose to end his marriage by the end of his month. We have been sneaking around since last November, I wanted to end the affair but he refuses and is hoping his wife will end it for him. My question is should I tell his wife and let the chips fall where they may? I love him and he loves me but he also loves his wife. If I decide to walk away should I tell his wife who by the way is in complete denial because he has her convinced we ended it. Please don't be mean in your responses, I never meant to fall in love with a MM. I'm always amazed by OW who think their MM wives are in denial when its they who are being strung along by a man who will never leave his wife. It must suck getting her sloppy seconds for 6 years. At least she will get a divorce settlement when it all blows up. All you'll get is the reminder that he stole 6 years of your life when you could have been with a single man who might have married you. Of course that wouldn't be forbidden fruit and you wouldn't have found that enticing. The truth is you like the train wreck that is your life. 2
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 BBM How do you know what she posts? I've gotta say, I so don't understand the mindset that goes on with people in affairs... You say he told her, and he wants her to leave him, and he's told her the affair with you is over...and this makes sense to you. Where do you see any logic in this? If this guy wanted to be with you, wouldn't it make more sense for him to leave, or put your relationship in his wife's face to make her leave? Or do you think he's just to scared to go through with it? Yes I think he is very scared, he has been with her for a very long time and he does love us both. The reason he told her it was over is because she threatened to kill herself and like I said he still loves her too. I know this isn't healthy but it is what it is. Love hurts! NO CP, Love doesn't hurt: It cherishes, respects, endures, uplifts and supports. It doesn't lie, sneak, betray or live in the shadows. 2
scatterd Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I doubt he is going to do anything to make her leave. If he wanted out he would be out of his marriage. I think you need to tell her and compare notes. He has convinced her nothing is going on because he does not want her to get rid of him. He is lying to you both he wants his cake and eat it to. If you want the truth call her that way she will probably get rid of him and you can have him. But do you really want her problem? Both of you woman deserve better someone who is loyal and wont cheat. Good luck!
Summer Breeze Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 NO CP, Love doesn't hurt: It cherishes, respects, endures, uplifts and supports. It doesn't lie, sneak, betray or live in the shadows. I'm quoting you Spark but it's not you specifically this is for. Yes love does hurt, betray, and live in the shadows. Sometimes it's cruel and sometimes it can crush you. I've read a thousand posts from BS who have chosen to R with their WS and they say that they never fell out of love and that their WS never fell out of love with them. If there is any worse hurt than someone cheating on you while still saying they love you I'd like to know what it is. It's obvious there are a few Ms that survive it but even then it takes years to get over the hurt inflicted by loving that person and having them love you. My bestie was married to a gambling addict and he ruined them financially. He lost everything they had together and his adult son hated him for treating his mother that way. They loved each other and they're doing what they can to work it out. Love drove her to ruin, embarrassment, and a stint in a psych ward for a breakdown and still they're trying to keep it together because they do love each other. It does hurt and it doesn't mean you never have to say I'm sorry.
SoleMate Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I have been involved with a MM for 6 and a half years. He told his wife 8 months ago and was suppose to end his marriage by the end of his month. We have been sneaking around since last November, I wanted to end the affair but he refuses and is hoping his wife will end it for him. So, you're letting the married couple make your life choices for you. That explains why you are unhappy. My question is should I tell his wife and let the chips fall where they may? I love him and he loves me but he also loves his wife. If I decide to walk away should I tell his wife who by the way is in complete denial because he has her convinced we ended it. I wouldn't bother telling his wife when you have much more important work to do on your OWN behalf. You know he lies to his wife, yet you believe his statements to you. Please think about that for a while. Actually his claims of love for you are lies too. He doesn't love you in any meaningful way, although I'm sure he enjoy the benefit of the r/s with you. He also knows that you would probably leave if he told you his true feelings about you (assuming he even acknowledges them to imself). He's working hard on gaslighting his wife and telling lots of lies to be able to stay IN his marriage. Please don't be mean in your responses, I never meant to fall in love with a MM. I won't be mean, I feel very sorry for you. Six+ years is a long time to have wasted on the lies of a MM. Just please don't let it turn into 10, 15 or even 25 years like some very unfortunate ladies have done.
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm sure if she kicks him out or leaves him then yes we will be together. Uh...then YOU will be the wife and some OTHER PYT will become his mistress. Classy choice.
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I would rather have the right man part time then the wrong man full time. Is that what you're going to wish for your daughters some day?
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm quoting you Spark but it's not you specifically this is for. Yes love does hurt, betray, and live in the shadows. Sometimes it's cruel and sometimes it can crush you. I've read a thousand posts from BS who have chosen to R with their WS and they say that they never fell out of love and that their WS never fell out of love with them. If there is any worse hurt than someone cheating on you while still saying they love you I'd like to know what it is. It's obvious there are a few Ms that survive it but even then it takes years to get over the hurt inflicted by loving that person and having them love you. My bestie was married to a gambling addict and he ruined them financially. He lost everything they had together and his adult son hated him for treating his mother that way. They loved each other and they're doing what they can to work it out. Love drove her to ruin, embarrassment, and a stint in a psych ward for a breakdown and still they're trying to keep it together because they do love each other. It does hurt and it doesn't mean you never have to say I'm sorry. I think we are closer than you would admit. I believe anyone who has an addiction, or suffers from mental illness, or has an unstable personality, is not capable or healthy enough to love in a supportive, cherishing, uplifting and respectful manner. I'm sure they are doing the best they can with what they have, and overcoming an addiction or mental health issue of any kind is a herculean task. But I stand by my original statement: Healthy love is not suppose to hurt you, even though, we sometimes make choices that seem otherwise.
Athena Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I know a man whose lover told his wife that her husband was having an affair. The wife kicked her husband out, and the lover expected him to come to her (which is why she told on him, so she could have him full time). The husband went to sleep on a friend's couch for the next year. He DID continue to see his lover (he was weak). In the meantime he worked on his wife and she eventually took him back about 18 months later and he moved back into their marital home. He still saw his lover but when she began to put too much pressure on him again after a few years, he found a new lover. The dumped mistress realized he had found someone new, but couldn't prove it, she threatened to tell his wife about his continued affair with her (the old mistress) but he went over and managed to sweet talk her into not doing that. Eventually he disappeared out of the old mistress's life, while the new mistress took center stage for the next five years. To this day he still stays with his wife, has his other mistress, and from time to time tries his luck with charming women just for kicks. No matter what the woman thinks, wants, feels, the cheating married man has a different agenda and he happily goes about using the women in his life. Should you tell on him, you want to know? My usual response is that a lover has no business ratting out the man SHE is helping cheat on his wife, by telling on him! However, in your case, I would suggest you DO tell on him because she already has been told of the affair and is now dealing with so many lies and layers of half-truths that her gaslighted existence has got to be very, very unstable. So, yes, tell her. You may get him, or you may get him dumping you. I don't know which one he wants, but anything is better than being in limbo, don't you agree, for years and years of your life (and the wife being in limbo too). So go ahead and expose the truth.
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 And please realize that men grow up teaching each other how to sweet talk girls into having sex with them. It's part of the game. Some men outgrow it and become responsible husbands to some lucky woman. The others just marry and keep sex toys on the side and enjoy the game of stringing her along. Lucky you. You found THAT kind. Too bad you didn't look for the FIRST kind. 3
Author canuckprincess Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I'm always amazed by OW who think their MM wives are in denial when its they who are being strung along by a man who will never leave his wife. It must suck getting her sloppy seconds for 6 years. At least she will get a divorce settlement when it all blows up. All you'll get is the reminder that he stole 6 years of your life when you could have been with a single man who might have married you. Of course that wouldn't be forbidden fruit and you wouldn't have found that enticing. The truth is you like the train wreck that is your life. Some very good points and yes I am being strung and yes she gets my sloppy seconds. It's hard when you love someone.
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Some very good points and yes I am being strung and yes she gets my sloppy seconds. It's hard when you love someone. SHE gets YOUR sloppy seconds? Who's on his life insurance policy? 5
Bittersweetie Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I would rather have the right man part time then the wrong man full time. Canuck, I disagree with the above. You deserve 100%. All in. No man or woman is worth part time, no matter how much you think you're best friends or soul mates. You accepting this situation is a disservice to yourself. A true, real relationship is one that is 100% on both sides. 1
PeineDeCoeur Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Canuckprincess; What is it that YOU want? Do you want to have a healthy, loving relationship with someone who will be there with you? Your MM has a long road ahead before he can be that for you. Just think... if he does leave, he has a separation and divorce ahead (NOT FUN), financial separation and possibly children to deal with, if there are any. Look at the situation realistically. Be practical. Look at the patterns in your relationship. Is he willing to do all the work required to end up at your side?? His words mean nothing if there is NO ACTION. It doesn't sound like he's ready, or wants to change his life. You've invested a long time in this R, and yes, it'll be really hard to move on. But now may be the time to evaluate what YOU want out of your life, and whether this man will help you achieve it. If not.... time to consider moving on.
Author canuckprincess Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words of advise. I have alot to consider and yes I need to decide what is best for me. Again thank you.
alexandria35 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think we are closer than you would admit. I believe anyone who has an addiction, or suffers from mental illness, or has an unstable personality, is not capable or healthy enough to love in a supportive, cherishing, uplifting and respectful manner. I'm sure they are doing the best they can with what they have, and overcoming an addiction or mental health issue of any kind is a herculean task. But I stand by my original statement: Healthy love is not suppose to hurt you, even though, we sometimes make choices that seem otherwise. I agree. In the story that Summerbreeze told the husband put his addiction before the well being of his wife and family. He financially ruined them and his wife came unglued and went to a psych ward. I'm sorry but this is not a testament to love. It's just what happens when you are involved with an addict. Your life goes to **** right along with theirs. If he gets treatment and sticks with it then maybe someday they will become a healthy couple in love.
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 This MM is the ultimate coward and I could hardly see why anyone would be interested in him, knowing what he really is. He's waiting for his BW to leave him? It makes my blood boil...how cruel and awful is that? Why would you want to be with someone capable of that level of betrayal, cowardice, and cruelty?
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I need to decide what is best for me. Again thank you.Or, you could try doing what is best for OTHER people for a change. Did your mom tell you growing up that you have a responsibility to be respectful of other people and not harm them? Or did she just tell you 'go have fun, no matter whose lives you ruin'? I mean, seriously! 1
nofool4u Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I have been involved with a MM for 6 and a half years. He told his wife 8 months ago and was suppose to end his marriage by the end of his month. We have been sneaking around since last November, I wanted to end the affair but he refuses and is hoping his wife will end it for him. My question is should I tell his wife and let the chips fall where they may? I love him and he loves me but he also loves his wife. If I decide to walk away should I tell his wife who by the way is in complete denial because he has her convinced we ended it. Please don't be mean in your responses, I never meant to fall in love with a MM. Its a no brainer. He's a cheating pr**k. Why women are so head over heels for a man that is a cheater, I'll never know. Why do you need to tell his wife anything? He already told her right? She already knows he is having an affair. What do you want accomplished? Rubbing her nose in crap so that way you can have a cheating man all to yourself?
nofool4u Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) I agree with you, I think he needs to tell her. You said he already did 8 months ago. I know this will never happen but part of me wishes her and I could compare notes to see what lies each of us are being told. And if that did happen, and she leaves him, then he can be all yours? Even after you find out what lies he told you? As long as you get him I suppose you are willing to overlook it because he is such a prize. Edited July 11, 2012 by nofool4u 1
Summer Breeze Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think we are closer than you would admit. I believe anyone who has an addiction, or suffers from mental illness, or has an unstable personality, is not capable or healthy enough to love in a supportive, cherishing, uplifting and respectful manner. I'm sure they are doing the best they can with what they have, and overcoming an addiction or mental health issue of any kind is a herculean task. But I stand by my original statement: Healthy love is not suppose to hurt you, even though, we sometimes make choices that seem otherwise. So basically you're saying that someone who has a gambling addiction is less capable of recovering and having a healthy loving relationship than someone who actually makes the daily decision to cheat on the spouse they're supposed to protect? I'm not sure but I'd think infidelity is considered a dealbreaker more often than a gambling addiction. If something is healthy it doesn't hurt. There are times when love isn't healthy and that could be love between spouses, parents and kids, friends. If it's unhealthy it can and normally does hurt. Many times it can be recovered but it still hurt. I stand by my thoughts as well. Sometimes love hurts. That's because you take the bad with the good and try to work through it. When it's good it is uplifting and supportive and wonderful. When it's bad it can hurt.
Sal Paradise Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 SHE gets YOUR sloppy seconds? Who's on his life insurance policy? Yeah she is so in denial that she misread my post. She is the one getting the wife's sloppy seconds. As I said, at least the wife will get the nice divorce settlement. All she'll get is six or more years of her life wasted chasing an illusion. 1
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