beachbum15211 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 This is going to be a bit long, so bear with me, but I want to get the full story out. So I'm dating this girl. She works an awful lot and has a really crazy schedule of activities/clubs/and stuff with her friends. So we only ever really got to see each other once a week or so - which is fine by me because I like to have my space too. This was going on well until the last six weeks where I seriously saw her for 3-1/2 hours over a 6-week period. Seriously. 3-1/2 hours in 6 weeks. So I took her out for her Birthday before this started. Made really nice dinner reservations, cooked her a cake, got her presents - the whole nine. Except she was very late - shopping for a dress for a friend's wedding the next weekend - and as soon as we were done with dinner and went back to my place, she was quick to state she'd have to leave pretty soon because she had early birthday phone calls and then brunch with her friends. That brunch turned out to be a day-long surprise party. Important to note, because it took up the whole day of a girl who says she never has time for anything. Anyway, the next weekend was her friend's wedding so she was out of town. I didn't care - whatever - obviously she's going to be gone for that. And her and her friends agreed no dates for this wedding, and everyone complied - so I wasn't hurt to not be invited. Then, the next weekend - I asked her as simply as possible - "Do you wanna try to get together this weekend." She said she wanted to try for this weekend, but she wasn't sure so she'd let me know - but Sunday would really be the only day that worked. So Saturday at 1AM rolls around, and I still haven't heard from her. So I text her and asked if she's figured out about this weekend. She says she can't make it because her one team made the playoffs unexpectedly and that took her whole Saturday and now her whole weekend of a brunch and dinner party had to get crammed into the next day - She said she'd try to make it up to me during the week. So I ask her about how the bowling went and before I go to bed (she'd already fallen asleep) I realized I never addressed her being busy - so I say I understand if she's too busy and she shouldn't feel like she has to make anything up to me. This leads to a long text message freak out where she yells at me for being upset for not being able to get together and I don't understand how busy she is, blah blah blah - even though I never said that. She just decided to infer that. So we make up (Again, only over text message) and I ask her if she wants to get together over Memorial Day Weekend. (3-day weekend) I hear back from her the next day - she's busy Sunday Night, all day Monday - I suggest Saturday Night into Sunday Morning with a plan for a baseball game and whatnot - She says she'll let me know. Then she says she may have to take care of her friend's dog - not sure. Saturday afternoon, I get a text that says - Hey, I can do Sunday breakfast for a few hours. That's it. I say - cool - cya then. Then she comes over. Turns out she'd been up till 3AM making food for a friend's party that Sunday night - and she has to leave 3-1/2 hours after she got there for breakfast to finish making food for it. Then she has a continuation of that party all Memorial Day - doesn't invite me to any of it and these are the same friends that she's spent a few days that week and last weekend with. The breakfast though, is pleasant, all seems fine - it even seems like she doesn't WANT to go but HAS to. Then, it turns out, she's starting to experience some family drama - won't go into it, but it involves lawyers and things like that. So the next Thursday, I tell her that if she wants to hang out this weekend, I'm free Friday night and all day Saturday, just let me know. She texts back saying the weekend is a mess because she has to pick up a friend from the airport, and go to a spa thing that her friend bought her for her birthday and then she has to call her lawyer regarding family stuff - very busy - but she'll let me know. So I tell her that As soon her craziness slows down, I'll still be waiting for her. Trying to be as sweet and understanding as I can be. I don't hear from her until Sunday night (I sent her the text Friday) - I only text her once to ask her how the spa day went - but she never lets me know about anything that weekend. So I'm kinda stuck waiting around. So the next week, early in the week, I text her with a plan about a friend's party, watching her favorite show, dinner, breakfast in bed - something I think would be a nice respite from her craziness. Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 elapse - no response. I have friends asking me to do stuff. So I text her again, asking what she thinks of the idea - no response. No response. So I go out with my friends. Finally hear from her - she asks when the party is. I tell her we could go over whenever the next day, not really a set plan. So she texts me later saying she can't make it, and was only asking because she thought that maybe we could hang out before. So I tell her that I can hang out with my friends whenever, but we've only spent like 3 hours in the last month together and if she's free, I'd rather see her. Her response? "3 Hours seems like an exaggeration". I tell her I didn't mean anything by it, and I was just saying I'd rather see her than spend time with my friends - She doesn't text me back for the rest of the weekend. Also, that Sunday, I had a very important comedy show I told her about on that Tuesday night. I invited her to it, told her when it was - but no pressure. Like I said, she never texts me the rest of the weekend. So obviously, she didn't text me about that. Not before, not after. Nothing. Never asking about it. I could be mad, but I decide to take the high road and call her to tell her it went well. Plus, it's our 3-month anniversary coming up that weekend, so I tell her that I could do a celebration to her that she'll find really nice - just let me know which night you might be free. Hear from her the following morning - she has to fly out of town to deal with the family drama the next Monday. I tell her I'm sorry to hear that - If she needs anything, just let me know. Then I realize, later in the week, that I'm going out of town after her - we're not gonna see each other for at least a month after she leaves, this weekend is our last weekend to hang out and we've only seen each other for three-and-a-half hours the last six weeks and now another month - So I told her it'd be great to do something nice together, reconnect and say a proper goodbye - but I preface that by saying that I don't know how much is going on, but I just thought I'd ask. So she says to me - "I know it's not what you want, but maybe a couple hours on Sunday before I'm off running again." So here's the deal. We used to text all the time. Like 100 texts a day. In the last three-to-four weeks we'd barely texted at all, let alone seen each other. What's worse, is that while I'm trying to be there for her - she hasn't asked a single thing about what's going on with me. Not once. Not a "How are you?" Not anything. Never even told me she was glad my show went well. So after those weeks of not talking, not seeing each other, and now another month of not seeing each other coming up - I'm kind of fed up as to why we can't spend more than hour or two together on our last weekend together. So I tell her - yes, please - I need to talk to you. So she comes over to talk (turns out she was at a friend's birthday party the night before). She goes on to tell me about all the family drama, etc. It's much much worse than I thought - but she never told me about any of that before. Not at all. So she tells me that and I feel awful for saying we needed to talk. Feel sick having her over when she probably has other **** to take care of. So I clam up when I say we need to talk - Say, no - it doesn't matter. I didn't realize all this. I understand now. So she goes on to say that she's the one who's fed up. She's fed up with me pressuring her to hang out. Sick of me making plans that she has to say no to. Thinking she's disappointing me and stuff. Says she needs to take a step back. A step back - a step back from seeing each other for 3-1/2 hours in 6 weeks and not really texting anymore. So she says she's glad we'll have some time apart. So she can take a step back and both of us can look at if we want to come back together again. Basically, she's stepping back because she thinks I'm smothering her. I'm upset because I think she's neglecting the relationship. She's not back yet - so we haven't talked. Haven't heard from her in 3 weeks. So I have to know. What does everyone else think? Am I smothering her? Am I pressuring her? Keep in mind, she's always told me that she's super busy with things - so she's not going to be super-present and can't always get together, so 3-1/2 hours in 6 weeks must be taken with a grain of salt. So am I smothering her or is she neglecting me? Which side makes more sense?
mortensorchid Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Doesn't matter which is doing whatever to the other. Move on. This is not going to happen because she is too wrapped up in whatever it is that she's doing and is not taking the time out to include you in it. I would take the time out to include someone in whatever I was doing, if he didn't want to participate that was/is his choice.
InJest Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Start seeing other women, but still have sex with this girl when she has time..it'll make getting other women into bed much easier. Just keep seeing other women until you find one that you really like, then dump the girl you're dating. 1
Author beachbum15211 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Should probably add this: We've been "dating" since late December and there were never any problems until early May when all this started. We'd been "official" for 3 months which was the time I was referring too. Dating for nearly 6 months at that point. Also, she does have a job which routinely requires 60-70 hour weeks so that's where a lot of the not having time comes from and why we text more than hang out, etc.
InJest Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 So she didn't have a problem seeing you for the first 3 months and now, all of a sudden, she can't make time?? She's over it. You should start moving on. Either dump her, or start sleeping with other girls. Once you realize that you can get it elsewhere, you won't be nearly as attached.
tenspoons Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I'd say she is definitely neglecting you. She seems to be always with her friends in her free time, and not thinking to stop making plans with her friends for one day to be with you. Just one day of the week would be fine to have to yourselves, and the rest of the week is your own. It sounds like b.s. to me On the other hand I think you were being too much of a pushover. Every time she couldn't hang out or she wouldn't give you attention you slumped it off and tried to be understanding. Did you ever try to protest? Maybe she though that if you said nothing you were ok with it. Then it got annoying and stressful to her because she constantly had to reject you when she thought you were understanding that she was busy. The moral of the story is, she got too busy to be in a healthy relationship right now. It takes 2 to tango, and she is sitting this one out. It's up to you to make the next move.
Chunky Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 If you were important to her she'd make time for you. 3 1/2 hours in 6 weeks? Hell, I spend more time on the toilet! She obviously doesn't have time for you so don't have time for her. Move on! You deserve someone who'll be with you. And no, you weren't smothering her.
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I agree with the others who say move on. Don't contact her again. Don't even contact her to tell her that. Just do it. Maybe she'll be back or maybe she won't but you care way more than she does. You should have someone who cares about you. Forget your anniversary. She probably did.
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