narcissist, I just found out

[heart_shredded]

I just learned what the word Narcissist is. I thought it was someone who murdered another and it didn't bother them. Cab be, But I think I am married, for almost 18 years, to a Narcissist. I thought he was just plain arrogant, self centered, wanted the spotlight on him attitude, put me down to raise him up, humiliate me publicly and laugh about it, seek attention from my daughter (and I think they may have had a shot affair because she egged him on/fed his ego) controls me, has me a nervous wreck, I fell fine until he comes in from work and when he pulls in I become short winded and I feel like I am going to panic and cry, I could go on and on.

 

 

He seeks attention from everyone and even has people at our church thinking he is a picture of perfection. I just learned yeaterday, after nearly 18 years oof marriage, that he seems to be a N. Now what do I do? I slept in my recliner last night and was scared to go to sleep. Now I am scared of him. he says he is a Christian but what Christian will ask you do you know when he got saved. If you get saved, You know it. You don't have to ask anyone else. He is a bragger, boaster, tells stories to impress people that are not even true. He will be walking behind me and all of a sudden he is not there. I look and he is letting me open the doors for myself but he is holding the doors open for total strangers while his wife and doing for herself. I asked him about that and he called me rediculously picky. This marriage has litterally made me physically and mentally sick.

 

 

I am a nervous wreck, cry a lot, am on anti-depressants and have pain all over my body like muscle pain. I have prayed and fought so hard for the survival of this marriage until I am exausted. I have been "To Strong To Long." Now I'm sick. Why can't my pastor see through him. He builds himself up all the time to everyone, so can't they see it? He iscold hearted, no apathy at all, I mean NONE. He coudn't even cry at his own Father's, Mother's and sister's funeral. There are no tears. No signs of being in the least sympathetic. He's just so unfeeling and cold. I was told, "Well, it was his childhood." Then, "Well, it was the Army." NO, I know now it is the N.

 

 

He has hurt me for all thses years and belittled me and I was trying to help him and he was feeding on my help all this time. Now what do I do!! I found out 3 days ago that he has full coverage on his vehicle and the one I drive has libility. WHAT???? Does he not care anymore about me than that???? After 18 years, that was the straw that broke the camels back. Here i am, 63 years old, no income, just depending on him because he MADE me quit my job, have partial SS (early retirement which is very little) and now I have no family and no where to go. Did he munipulate this? I think so. he wanted to "trap" me in this marriage. Maybe he succeded, but I feel like my love for him just took flight. I am hurt, angry, dissapointed, scared, you name it. How could I have been so STUPID!!!

Edited July 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Feelin Frisky]

Please don't take the term "narcissist" too literally. I just write about it on another thread if you have the time to look. It is more of a notion than a condition. Many many people are driven ego-centrists who see themselves as the center of the universe and everyone else a mere character in their lives who disappears from existence when they are not of immediate utility in their sight. The truth is that in our society--American/western civilization--people have been routinely processed through an industrial "competition machine" called education according to an Industrial Age "factory model". in actuality there is NO SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT theory or practice at all and everyone sort of falls where they may. The term narcissist projects fault on a person that often belongs on the systems from which they emerged.

 

You are right in your first impulse to be concerned about a "sociopath" the person who kills without feeling which we then calls a "psycho-path". Regardless of the fault of society or family to develop social ethics and senses of morality, there is either social connection and empathy or there is not. It is not something you can really teach. If you feel the need psychologically examine your spouse, this is probably the most significant issue. Ruthless ambition is one thing, but who is he or she when he or she is being their most honest and exposed self? Is there someone there who feels and knows you feel on an equal plane? Or it is all about him or her? If it seems that this person is all about themselves you've gotten to the core. The question then is is this person deserving of your love? Capable of loving as you understand it?

 

He or she may be a lot of things--shades of narcissism, ego-centrism, nihilism, sociopathology. None are absolutes where you look up the word in a dictionary and there's a picture of your spouse there. Simplify the core and let the verbiage fall where it may.

 

I am very sorry you are experiencing such turmoil at this stage of your life.

Edited July 9, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[onthefence210]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too have been told by 3 different therapists that my H is narcissistic. The first I had the same image as you...a monster. I didn't even entertain the thought. My H was many things but not a monster. That's the first step of grief...denial. The second therapist compared my life to Shawshank Redemption. I went right home and watched. The prisoner who spends so long in prison and when he has freedom, released from prison, he has no idea how to exist...he kills himself. Therapist 3, asked my H about one of his affairs, how he told the OW (who had a son) that his wife had died (1/2 truth, his current wife was me). I called the OW and as she explained how she shared this life with him, loved him, I felt bad for her. Therapist asks my H, "how does this make you feel? My H "I don't know". He had no empathy in his face that he hurt this woman or her child. Nor that even I felt bad for her and him.

 

I had to ask my therapist again, do u think my H is a narcissist because even as I type, I can see it but I can't believe it. How he groomed me from the age of 20 (he is 12 1/2 yrs older) and used his kids to manipulate me. He used his experience to control me. He lied to me, promising things to make me believe. He is sweet, yet that to his to his benefit. I have since recognized the shift over the last few yrs. things I can control (our daughters welfare) he has no interest in winning. But if it has to do with how people may see him, he will do anything to avoid. I have been changing over the years. Getting myself some independence, yet if he meets a friend that poses a threat to his facade...he demeans them to me. Tells me they are no good etc. I stopped bringing friends over because, when u meet him his performance is so over the top. Some people see thru it and some fall right into it.

I have stopped being submissive, that has led to him feeling inferior, so he becomes mean vindictive. He no longer gets a reaction from me, so he takes it out on our kids. It's sick. They are sick. Get help. You can not change a person like this. People will tell u that ur just co dependent. Of course you are. They emotional abuse you til you start believing you are crazy. That is there MO. My H did this to me. He had everyone in his family believing I was this nut. I was. I was making myself crazy trying to make him happy. And when he found me to be of no use, he had affairs. And then blamed me for them. I was depressed etc. I wasn't depressed, I was trying to make sense of something even after reading and living still makes no sense.

 

I am still angry and the more I read the more it triggers a memory of the stuff I endured that I just blocked out. I feel sad for my H. He wasn't born this way. Neither was I. I had to learn the hard way that I am a victim. I am choosing to help myself and my kids. Now I'll keep track of this thread hoping for some life experience. You can't just leave a narcissist without a plan especially when kids are involved. The hard part is the lying you'll have to do in order to not tip the narcissist off to ur plan. Sadly, I did this and my life has been a series of dealing with the superior one keeping me inferior. Not gonna happen. I deserve better then this. My kids deserve better then this.

[freestyle]

There are different types of narcisissm-

 

To simplify it , there's healthy narcissim, with which an individual has healthy self-esteem, & confidence, but is still aware that other people have feelings and needs.

 

Malignant narcississm is when the self-centeredness is extreme, to the point of having no capacity for empathy, or compassion, for others.

 

The label isn't as important as the behaviors........belittling you, showing strangers more regard than you receive from him---are emotionally abusive behaviors. Invalidating you, when you say that you feel hurt by those behaviors, is also emotionally abusive.

 

You could spend hours and hours and hours reading up on narcississm

OR

 

You could start working on strengthening your own boundaries, so you're no longer feeling abused. You can never hope to control someone else's behavior, but you can control what you will & won't put up with.

 

The best advice I can give you is to empower, and educate yourself---it's the only antidote to being around someone who tears you down.

 

I wish you my best.