Distance is making me question what I want

[HuberT1]

Firstly a brief background: (Feel free to not read)

 

When I finished school I was happy and single and flirting a bit with a girl, although never really had intentions of a serious relationship. I found out she actually liked me (I thought we were just having friendly conversation!) and for more of a “why not” than a “why” we started to see each other. There were warning signs early on, to be honest she was never the person for me, but I was young, she was attractive, and I think I was a bit too weak to end it myself

so

we stayed together more for convenience than anything else. We had a pretty serious relationship for about 2 years, and we lived together for the last half of it. Now of course I loved her and we grew incredibly close but I think on some level there were always doubts in my mind and this was reflected in my rather carefree attitude to the relationship. I didn’t naturally do those things that made her feel wanted, because I think subconsciously at least, I didn’t really want her. In the end it was her that left after the relationship sort of fell apart but, as is always the case, wanting what you can’t have made me want her and in the end I was pretty devastated.

 

About a year later I am happy and single again, and find myself flirting casually with an attractive co-worker. Again, I was not looking for a relationship and assumed we were just being friendly with our flirting (really need to get my radar checked) but found out she was interested in me. We saw each other for a few weeks and I was feeling pressure to make it official. To go on any longer seemed unfair

so

it was one of those all or nothing spots. I was weary of my previous relationship but again I sort of shrugged my shoulders and said OK, not really wanting to lose her although at the same time not wanting a serious relationship. 6 months later and I was as happy as I had ever been, this girl was amazing and I loved our relationship. She felt the same and all was great. I learnt from the previous relationship to not take things for granted and I made her feel like she was wanted because this time, she really was.

So

now to my dilemma:

 

I am currently 27 and my girlfriend and I had been happily dating for 3 years when I got an amazing work opportunity: a year working abroad in Germany, expenses more or less paid. I had been learning German at the time and it has always been a life dream to master another language. My company would be sorting me out with visas and what not, all I really had to do was buy a plane ticket. My girlfriend wasn’t in love with the idea and it caused a few fights because I wanted to take the chance, she didn’t want to be apart. We talked about it a little more and decided that she could take time off from her job and come with me for the first 5 months. This sounded like a great idea, we started planning holidays, what we wanted to see, what we wanted to do, etc.

 

We arrived in Germany at the start of this year and found a place to live. We hadn’t actually lived together before so this was going to be a real test for the relationship. It was amazing. We loved it, we saw so much of Europe, and we just got on so well that I figured we passed the hardest test we will face and were pretty much going to stay together forever. Then it came time for her to return home. This was really sad but I told her if it was too tough I would come home early and we kept telling ourselves we would get through it, email everyday, etc.

 

About a month before she left is when problems started to appear. The first, and probably biggest, has been her attitude to me taking the Germany position. Rather than being supportive, she has been quite resentful. I tell her if I was in her shoes I would be supportive but she tells me if she was in my shoes she would “never” do something that would leave us apart for 6+ months. I don’t think 6 months is long, and I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, but she sees it as an incredibly long time and she says she feels let down and in her eyes it’s as if I don’t love her as much because I can cope with being apart.

 

The second problem is the company contact I have at work. She is a German local that has been assigned to help me here in Germany. That includes showing me around, helping me with the language, more or less a forced friendship to help me settle down. I quite like this girl, as a friend, but obviously my girlfriend hates this and hates the thought of us having a good time together. It’s caused a lot of fights because I see the German as my best shot at learning the language, she is more or less my only friend over here, and I have NEVER done anything to betray my girlfriend’s trust. I assure her she is my life, my future, the one I think of and this German girl is just a friend I have for the next few months. She can’t deal with it and has recently asked me to break all contact with the German. This is a little hard though as it was an organised “partnership” and I’m actually supposed to be helping her learn English too. It’s not just some random friend I can not talk to anymore. And even if it was, I don’t want to. Perhaps I should want to, to make my girlfriend happy? I don’t know, some part of me doesn’t like the idea of being told who I can and can’t talk to.

 

The last week we’ve been fighting a little via emails and what not but still say we just want to be with each other etc. It’s still a little bit of a standoff with this German girl and I think I want to tell my girlfriend that I’m going to keep being friends with the German. Is this a bit of a prick move? My girlfriend gave up a lot to come over here with me, and she says this is the one little thing she is asking, yet for some reason I don’t want to do it. I just see it as ruining my time over here, losing the friend that I have and losing the chance to keep learning German. And not just formal German, but the real, friendly, “talk like a local” German, that is what I want. This local is an opportunity to integrate, to make new friends, be invited to parties, etc.

 

However now my biggest problem is I am freaking out about the whole relationship. We have been apart for 2 months now and I am coping fine. I’m quite independent and I have no problems enjoying my life alone. My girlfriend is less happy, and sees my doing well as a sign of not needing her, and this further makes her upset. This is understandable but from my point of view I don’t know what to do. I can’t help that I am fine being alone. I tell her every day I love her but she doesn’t listen, because she’s convinced herself that my actions show I don’t love her or need her.

 

Now it’s rubbing off on me, and for the first time I am doubting my feelings. I think there has always been 0.1% of my brain that doesn’t like how the relationship started. She liked me. I didn’t pursue her, she just landed in front of me. It was the same with my other relationship. I’ve never had the “thrill of the chase” as they say. I know it sounds immature but part of me thinks maybe I would be more in love with her if I had liked her from the beginning. I’ve never actually liked a girl, and gone after her, and had it work out. I haven’t so much as touched hands with this German girl, but my girlfriend is worried she will like me. Now I’m wondering if she would? Of course I don’t want to cheat on my girlfriend but it’s like, there’s this part of me that just wants to flirt with her, not to pursue a relationship, but just to know if I could sort of thing.

 

Again, I know that’s really immature but I’m starting to wonder now if maybe I want to be single? There’s no way anything serious would happen with this German girl, even logistically it’s not possible. But being over here, knowing I’m happy by myself, seeing my girlfriend in this “clingy” light, I dunno… I’m not sure if this is just a natural reaction to being apart or if it’s a true reflection that deep down I don’t want a relationship. I love our relationship, I love her, I want to spend my life with her. But I didn’t want the relationship to start with, I was happy being single. I feel like I just went with it and now part of me wants to know how life would be if I was single. Could I flirt with this German and get her interested, could I go out and meet other girls and flirt with them too. I think I would be really happy being single, but maybe it’s just living this life over here by myself that is making me think that and when I return home I’ll want nothing more than life with my girlfriend.

 

I feel so bad writing this, I just don’t know what to do. My girlfriend is so perfect and hasn’t done anything to deserve this. It doesn’t feel right that I could just start pondering life as a single, and I feel like in my mind I’ve already cheated on her because I’m imagining myself living a single life over here. Furthermore, after 4 years of being together I think there ought to be a better reason to end the relationship than “sorry, I want to live the single life for a few years”. On the flip side I don’t want to remain together just because it’s too hard to break it off. A month or two ago I was certain we would be together forever, now I’m freaking out. I don’t know if it’s a temporary thing because I’m tasting life by myself or if it’s a sign of how I’ve really felt all along… Should I break it off and live freely over here or just stick with it and hope when we’re back together all these doubts in my mind leave? And if she tells me I have to choose between her and my German friend?

 

Thanks, and sorry for waffling on.

Edited July 9, 2012 by HuberT1

[justwhoiam]

You probably never experienced the thrill of being with someone you're in love with. Basically, you were having a peaceful life with her, but that doesn't equal to love. It made you feel good just like you have proved to feel good on your own. When you'll seriously fall in love, you'll know for sure.

[delight]

Part of me wonders if you are not just a little selfish? Of course your girlfriend is going to be insecure about the friendship you have with this new girl. Ask yourself honestly how would you feel if she went to France, had a French male friend who she wanted to use to be initiated for parties etc? What is wrong with joining things? You say your girlfriend is clingy , you yourself are clinging to this new alliance as if thats your only life source.

[FitChick]

Your girlfriend sounds a bit clingy and immature. Doesn't she have friends, family or outside interests? Tell her to take advantage of being apart to do things that you would never be interested in doing or learning with her.

 

What would she do if you had to work long hours back home at the office or on weekends to get ahead in your job? What if you worked closely with a female coworker? How would she cope?

 

Can she visit you again for a short period of time, like five days? Is the German woman single and unattractive? Too bad you couldn't introduce her to your girlfriend and they could become friendly at the very least, and not adversaries,

 

You could suggest splitting up and dating other people until you return home and then see if you still have strong feelings for each other. Do you see yourself marrying her? Personally, I don't feel six months is very long to be apart at all.

 

The only worrying thing I see is your pattern of getting involved with co-workers even if you aren't initially attracted. You just go along for the ride.

[TMichaels]

HuberT1,

 

I don't understand the sequence of events here.

 

The first five months you were in Germany with your g/f -- were you working or just on holiday before beginning your assignment?

 

The reason I ask is that what you've written doesn't add up to me.

 

I don't understand the whole resentment thing. Seems to me the time for your g/f to have gotten resentful would have been when you announced you had accepted the position which meant you'd be apart for a year -- NOT after she's spent five months of "your deployment" in Germany *with you.*

 

Did your g/f really think if she came over and visited for five months you'd ditch the job you'd either already started or were slated to begin, and follow her back home?

 

I also don't (totally) understand her jealousy over this German girl. *She was assigned to you* by your employer to help you acclimate to a new and different social and work environment, right?

 

But, on the other hand, you say you're contemplating telling your g/f despite her objections you're going to continue being friends with the German girl.

 

Why is that even an issue if she's just a work colleague?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HuberT1]

Thanks for all the replies, it feels a little odd venting online but I don't really have anyone over here that I can discuss this with.

 

I am definitely being selfish here, and expecting her to feel the same as I do and just be OK with us being apart. She can't switch off her emotions like I can and I'm expecting her to be really in love with me but at the same time be accepting of us being apart for 6-7 months.

 

After the first few months of being together I was certainly in love with her and in love with the relationship. The problem is that I have always been independent and taken pride in being able to survive by myself. This is a chance for me to do that, and she is taking it (perhaps rightly so) as a sign that I don't need her like she needs me. If I'm over here and coping and won't do things to make it easier, like eliminating all contact with the work acquantance, then she assumes I don't love her as much as she loves me, and that I don't want the relationship. In her eyes she wants the relationship to be my everything, for me to be home and not do anything that would result in us being apart.

 

Doesn't she have friends, family or outside interests? Tell her to take advantage of being apart to do things that you would never be interested in doing or learning with her.

 

What would she do if you had to work long hours back home at the office or on weekends to get ahead in your job? What if you worked closely with a female coworker? How would she cope?

 

She tries to be happy and keep herself busy but says she still feels sad whenever she thinks about me and isn't happy if I'm not around. I have asked her the same questions and she said it would be different, because we could still see each other at night, even briefly, and that if I had a female co-worker she would be OK with it because she wouldn't be left feeling hurt and neglected in another country.

 

Can she visit you again for a short period of time, like five days? Is the German woman single and unattractive? Too bad you couldn't introduce her to your girlfriend and they could become friendly at the very least, and not adversaries,

 

A visit seems unlikely, and expensive, although it is something we could definitely discuss. The German is single but not ugly. My girlfriend thinks I think she is attractive, and that she is "my type". I certainly don't think she's ugly although i think the "my type" talk is way off. I don't know her that well and I have never been one to flirt around with girls. before this relationship I had one other and that's really it. No flirting, no casual girls, it's just never been my thing.

 

I did introduce them as an attempt to make things OK, and for my girlfriend to see it was innocent. They didn't really become friendly though, and whilst initially afterwards my girlfriend felt a little better about it, now she has gone back to hating this girl.

 

You could suggest splitting up and dating other people until you return home and then see if you still have strong feelings for each other. Do you see yourself marrying her? Personally, I don't feel six months is very long to be apart at all.

 

I don't think it's very long either! I wouldn't even necessarily want to date other people, but I have suggested splitting up until I get back because we're only fighting and I don't want to ruin any long term relationship we could have. She's not so sure and doesn't think I should get to make that call, and I suspect without contact her mind would assume the worst and she would spend months thinking I am out with other girls.

 

I can absolutely see myself marrying her. After doing this I don't see why I would not want to spend my life with her. The problem is I don't "need" her in my life, but that's nothing to do with her, and all me. It's as if she feels a way about the relationship that I can't, which is that feeling of dependence and never wating to be apart for a second, and I won't ever get that feeling with anyone because I don't think it's healthy. If she's on some other level is the relationship doomed?

 

The only worrying thing I see is your pattern of getting involved with co-workers even if you aren't initially attracted. You just go along for the ride.

I was always initially attracted, just not looking for a serious relationship. And I have only had three relationships. I have never had casual hook-ups or anything like that, so it's not like I'm going to be single and go on the hunt for girls.

 

HuberT1,

 

I don't understand the sequence of events here.

 

The first five months you were in Germany with your g/f -- were you working or just on holiday before beginning your assignment?

 

The reason I ask is that what you've written doesn't add up to me.

 

I was offered the position, and before officially accepting it we made plans to go over together. The first five months I was working, it's a very flexible position though and for the next month or two I am more or less working indepently doing research and investigation before meeting up with a team to compile our results and work together for the final 4 or 5 months.

 

Seems to me the time for your g/f to have gotten resentful would have been when you announced you had accepted the position which meant you'd be apart for a year -- NOT after she's spent five months of "your deployment" in Germany *with you.*

 

Did your g/f really think if she came over and visited for five months you'd ditch the job you'd either already started or were slated to begin, and follow her back home?

 

I accepted the position 18 months ago and we weren't as close back then, not that either of us was thrilled about being apart. Due to the fact that she was coming with me I don't think she was as resentful back then. Certainly neither of us knew how it would feel to be apart or how we would cope. I thought we would fine, but it doesn't seem that way.

 

I think part of her wanted to believe, and still does, that yes I will ditch the job for her. In her eyes I should want her over anything else, and our relationship should be the most important thing. When we're together it's amazing, but now this time apart is making her feel like I don't have as strong feelings as her. I tend to disagree and just think I have different feelings about what a relationship is, and about independence, and yeh. I mean, I know this is an incredibly selfish thing that benefits solely me and not her. All she's getting from it now is time apart and hurt. And the feeling that I don't need her.

 

From my point of view I don't want her to need me, I just want her to want me. I want her, and I want to be together, and i want our future and all of that stuff. I just think that my life can be about more that the relationship, which again is selfish, and not something she wants to see or hear.

 

I also don't (totally) understand her jealousy over this German girl. *She was assigned to you* by your employer to help you acclimate to a new and different social and work environment, right?

 

But, on the other hand, you say you're contemplating telling your g/f despite her objections you're going to continue being friends with the German girl.

 

Why is that even an issue if she's just a work colleague?

 

The work partnership program doesn't guarantee friendship, it guarantees a contact. If it blossoms into a friendship then that's great, but they pretty much say "here's your German". My girlfriend didn't like the fact that she was young and not unattractive and that I would spend time with her. Worse than that she hated that we became friends and would text occasionally. The contact could be 100% innocent, for example inquiring about a place I had to visit, or asking me to review a report, help with some English phrasing, or anything. But it just set my girlfriend off and so I made an incredibly poor judgement call to just delete the text messages, which when it came out made it look like I had something to hide. I had nothing to hide, I was just over fighting over something meaningless.

 

After that I introduced the two of them, hoping this would make it better. The German is just naturally friendly and my girlfriend felt a little better at first but that didn't last long.

 

The partnership, at this point, is not "enforced" by the company. Theoretically I could never see the German girl again. This is what my girlfriend would like. She wants me to tell the colleague that I love my girlfriend and don't want to upset her and so we cannot be in contact anymore. Perhaps I should want to do this if I was that in love with my gf?

 

Something about it feels off to me though. I don't like that she can ask me that, and it implies she doesn't trust me, although she denies that and says she just doesn't trust this other girl or something. To me it's all the same and we're at a standoff on the issue. I don't want to cease contact because at the moment this girl is my best window into Germany. I learn the language, I see new places, and potentially I can make new friends through her.

 

Am I being an ass?

 

The bottom line seems to be that we see me being over here in a different light. I see it as acceptable and justifiable and, yes selfish, but something we'll deal with. She sees it as a sign I don't need her, that I am fine without seeing her, and that the relationship doesn't mean as much to me. And if I wanted to fix things I could - I could come home.

 

That's true, I could come home and maybe the fact that I am over here is a sign that I don't need her or the relationship like she does. Is it unfair/rude of me to just accept that and ask her to do the same? It's not nice putting in more than you're getting out but what am I supposed to do?

 

The one thing we're sure of is that we want to be together in the end. I'm definitely excited about returning home and moving in with her and reestablishing contact, falling back in love, etc. Because when we're together it's pretty amazing. The problem is that in the mean time we're just fighting and screwing the relationship up. And maybe, despite us wanting to be together at the end, getting through this unscathed just isn't a possibility

Edited July 10, 2012 by HuberT1

[delight]

Hmm, from a womans point of view, I am in the same position with my bf. He is used to adapting - he's in the army so this is a necessary skill. Yes I get hurt because he seems to manage the distance just fine whereas I miss him. As women, we do get bogged down with alot of emotion and men on the other hand can tend to be more logical. Have you ever read women are from Venus Men are from Mars? I think for you and your girlfriend it's an issue of communication. You are able to express to a forum of people your feelings but I wonder if you have expressed the same to her? I think you really do need to make a decision ( and fast ) though as your uncertainty will only seem to push her farther away which is what she really does not want. It's not fair to leave her hanging on . On the other hand you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her ? Have you asked yourself why ? Is it out of duty ? Distance can really play havoc with relationships and it is vital that you make every attempt to make sure communication levels are kept up. I wish you both luck !

[Ami1uwant]

The way I see it...

 

You arent doing anything wrong. In this day and age it will be quite common for people to transfer and work overseas for some period of time if you work for a larger corporation who is either based internationaly or does alot business internationally.

 

How would this be any different if you moved 1,000 miles away? It wouldnt. Being in Europe isnt the issue.

 

She sounds as if she has a serious jealousy/insecurity side where she doesnt trust you around potential competition. This will be an issue over the long haul if you thought maybe you can marry her.

 

What may have complicated things further was she left her job to travel with you. This put her in a disadvantage because she lost ot income independence and is now relying on your for the income. She is also likely apart from family and friends.

 

Not sure how close you guys are to your orginbal hometown...but she may be the type that she is settled in one area and doesnt want to move. They did a study wher they have found many people stay within 100 miles of their original hometown.

[TMichaels]

I am definitely being selfish here, and expecting her to feel the same as I do and just be OK with us being apart. She can't switch off her emotions like I can and I'm expecting her to be really in love with me but at the same time be accepting of us being apart for 6-7 months.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say you were selfish anymore than I would say *she's* being selfish for wanting things to play out her way.

 

In her eyes she wants the relationship to be my everything, for me to be home and not do anything that would result in us being apart.

You said the two of you were dating and together for three years before leaving for Germany, right? Was she so "possessive" when you two were together? How did you feel about the way things were between you, then?

 

She tries to be happy and keep herself busy but says she still feels sad whenever she thinks about me and isn't happy if I'm not around. I have asked her the same questions and she said it would be different, because we could still see each other at night, even briefly, and that if I had a female co-worker she would be OK with it because she wouldn't be left feeling hurt and neglected in another country.

I agree with some of the other posters that this type of attitude and behavior makes her seem very immature. You say you're 27 -- how old is she?

 

A visit seems unlikely, and expensive, although it is something we could definitely discuss. The German is single but not ugly. My girlfriend thinks I think she is attractive, and that she is "my type". I certainly don't think she's ugly although i think the "my type" talk is way off. I don't know her that well and I have never been one to flirt around with girls. before this relationship I had one other and that's really it. No flirting, no casual girls, it's just never been my thing.

Does your g/f know this? Have you given her any reason to question your honor while you've been dating? Has she ever been in a relationship with anyone else and been cheated upon?

 

Perhaps her attitude stems from the fact that you "succumbed" to her advances and she thinks if you were "so easily swayed" it wouldn't take much for it to happen again with another girl. Just a thought...

 

I did introduce them as an attempt to make things OK, and for my girlfriend to see it was innocent. They didn't really become friendly though, and whilst initially afterwards my girlfriend felt a little better about it, now she has gone back to hating this girl.

Quite frankly, I think the German girl just has become a convenient excuse. What your g/f is really pissed off about and doesn't understand is why you don't see things her way and are not trotting back home on command as she thinks is appropriate.

 

I wouldn't even necessarily want to date other people, but I have suggested splitting up until I get back because we're only fighting and I don't want to ruin any long term relationship we could have. She's not so sure and doesn't think I should get to make that call, and I suspect without contact her mind would assume the worst and she would spend months thinking I am out with other girls.

Well, you could have a "show-down" and tell her that she has a choice: a) Either trust and have faith in you and your relationship or b) The two of you break up right now, then see when you return to the States if both of you want to attempt to pick up where you left off.

 

She won't like either option, but to be honest if you don't get some sort of relief from her constantly whining and pining, then chances are your relationship isn't going to go the distance (literally or figuratively) anyway.

 

I can absolutely see myself marrying her. After doing this I don't see why I would not want to spend my life with her. The problem is I don't "need" her in my life, but that's nothing to do with her, and all me. It's as if she feels a way about the relationship that I can't, which is that feeling of dependence and never wating to be apart for a second, and I won't ever get that feeling with anyone because I don't think it's healthy. If she's on some other level is the relationship doomed?

Maybe, maybe not. People grow and change as they mature. As I said before, your g/f sounds very childish and inexperienced when it comes to relationships and as she gets older will most likely grow out of it.

 

But, I'm curious how you came to the above realization (that there's something wrong with you not "needing" someone in your life at the expense of all else). Did she tell you that? It sounds like something someone insecure would throw out to make the other person have second thoughts about their beliefs in an attempt to get them to see things their way.

 

I was offered the position, and before officially accepting it we made plans to go over together. The first five months I was working, it's a very flexible position though and for the next month or two I am more or less working indepently doing research and investigation before meeting up with a team to compile our results and work together for the final 4 or 5 months.

 

I accepted the position 18 months ago and we weren't as close back then, not that either of us was thrilled about being apart. Due to the fact that she was coming with me I don't think she was as resentful back then. Certainly neither of us knew how it would feel to be apart or how we would cope. I thought we would fine, but it doesn't seem that way.

To be honest, you did everything possible (and right) to signal to her you weren't interested in leaving her behind by having her come over for the first five months of your assignment and also introducing her the the German girl whom you would be working with.

 

If you were going to be up to no good and interested in "living it up" while you were in Germany you wouldn't have bothered to include her to that degree in your experience -- and certainly wouldn't be putting up with her constant whinging since you've been apart. It's a shame she seems blind to all that.

 

I think part of her wanted to believe, and still does, that yes I will ditch the job for her. In her eyes I should want her over anything else, and our relationship should be the most important thing. When we're together it's amazing, but now this time apart is making her feel like I don't have as strong feelings as her. I tend to disagree and just think I have different feelings about what a relationship is, and about independence, and yeh. I mean, I know this is an incredibly selfish thing that benefits solely me and not her. All she's getting from it now is time apart and hurt. And the feeling that I don't need her.

Quit letting her do such a number on your head. *You're not* being selfish by making good on a career commitment you made 18 months ago of which she was fully aware.

 

Yes, the two of you may have grown closer as well during that time, but closer doesn't mean "inseparable" as in a piece of Velcro. Being a loving partner means you sincerely want the best for them.

 

From what you've described this work-abroad opportunity *is* a positive/valuable thing -- yet your g/f apparently thinks what's best for you is to be by her side. I don't think so, though I do think you being home with her would be *best for her*.

 

If we're going to talk about who's being selfish, who would you vote for in that case?

 

From my point of view I don't want her to need me, I just want her to want me. I want her, and I want to be together, and i want our future and all of that stuff. I just think that my life can be about more that the relationship, which again is selfish, and not something she wants to see or hear.

From my point of view, you're spot on.

 

The work partnership program doesn't guarantee friendship, it guarantees a contact. If it blossoms into a friendship then that's great, but they pretty much say "here's your German". My girlfriend didn't like the fact that she was young and not unattractive and that I would spend time with her. Worse than that she hated that we became friends and would text occasionally. The contact could be 100% innocent, for example inquiring about a place I had to visit, or asking me to review a report, help with some English phrasing, or anything. But it just set my girlfriend off and so I made an incredibly poor judgement call to just delete the text messages, which when it came out made it look like I had something to hide. I had nothing to hide, I was just over fighting over something meaningless.

Don't bother kicking yourself in the head over deleting the German girl's texts. You were just looking for a way to get some peace from your g/f.

 

You were in a no-win situation. Damned if you refused to delete the texts and damned if you did. The only thing that will placate your g/f is to move back home -- again, focusing on the texts is just obsfucation.

 

The partnership, at this point, is not "enforced" by the company. Theoretically I could never see the German girl again. This is what my girlfriend would like. She wants me to tell the colleague that I love my girlfriend and don't want to upset her and so we cannot be in contact anymore. Perhaps I should want to do this if I was that in love with my gf?

I wouldn't bother, because as I said above, I don't really think that's the real issue anyway. If you ditch the German girl, your g/f will just find or fabricate another reason that's proof you don't love her because you're still there.

 

Something about it feels off to me though. I don't like that she can ask me that, and it implies she doesn't trust me, although she denies that and says she just doesn't trust this other girl or something. To me it's all the same and we're at a standoff on the issue. I don't want to cease contact because at the moment this girl is my best window into Germany. I learn the language, I see new places, and potentially I can make new friends through her.

 

Am I being an ass?

No.

 

And for the record, saying "It's not that I don't trust you, it's because I don't trust the other girl" is a common, convenient line many women use. It's in the same category of: "It's not you, it's me" when someone wants to break up with you and doesn't have the balls to tell you the truth.

 

The bottom line seems to be that we see me being over here in a different light. I see it as acceptable and justifiable and, yes selfish, but something we'll deal with. She sees it as a sign I don't need her, that I am fine without seeing her, and that the relationship doesn't mean as much to me. And if I wanted to fix things I could - I could come home.

That is not the only solution, though it appears it is the only solution as far as she is concerned but there are two people in your relationship -- not just one.

 

That's true, I could come home and maybe the fact that I am over here is a sign that I don't need her or the relationship like she does. Is it unfair/rude of me to just accept that and ask her to do the same? It's not nice putting in more than you're getting out but what am I supposed to do?

No, it is not unfair/rude of you to expect her to want the best for you which ultimately will benefit you both in terms of better job prospects, income potential, etc.

 

She also needs to understand that *she* is not the only one sacrificing here. Has it occurred to her that you may not like being apart as much as she does but you're making the investment so that you (and she) have a shot at a better future?

 

The one thing we're sure of is that we want to be together in the end. I'm definitely excited about returning home and moving in with her and reestablishing contact, falling back in love, etc. Because when we're together it's pretty amazing. The problem is that in the mean time we're just fighting and screwing the relationship up. And maybe, despite us wanting to be together at the end, getting through this unscathed just isn't a possibility

You say "you both are sure you want to be together in the end," so let me ask you an off-the-wall question...

 

How would you feel about asking her to marry you now and getting engaged?

 

I'm not saying that you should do that, however, doing some soul-searching about that topic might help you sort out how serious you are and how important she really is to you -- at least at this point in time.

 

If you're not comfortable with the thought of that, maybe you should reel things in a bit and tell her that you'd like to break things off for the remainder of your assignment.

 

If she wants to know why (and she does deserve an explanation) be honest and tell her it's because the two of you don't seem to be able to give each other the level of trust and respect that's necessary to continue your relationship at this stage and a break will give you both a chance to re-evaluate what you want out of life including whether it's to be together permanently.

 

HTH and the best of luck to you...

 

TMichaels

Edited July 15, 2012 by TMichaels

[HuberT1]

Thanks for the replies everyone, TMichaels especially, it helps a lot.

 

Unfortunately things don't seem to be improving. I thought we were in a good zone a few days ago, reminding each other of how much we wanted our future and what not but it's turned sour again and it feels like every conversation we have now ends up in the same spot: her feeling unloved and wanting me to try and fix it, and me probably making a "less than amazing" attempt at it and in the end more or less shrugging my shoulders, feeling like there's not too much I can do about it. Which is interpretted as me not caring, which just reinforces her insecurities about my feelings and the relationship, and the next conversation we do the whole thing over again.

 

The problem is she doesn't believe the things I say. I don't want to appear uncertain and push her away, I know that I want her and the relationship and I tell her that. I've thought about it a lot and my desire to be with her long term is definitely genuine. When I think of our future it's exactly what I want and I think to not get there would be such a waste and I would be bummed about it for the rest of my life. Make no mistake, I want her and I want the relationship and I want our future together. I could absolutely see myself proposing to her "in theory", because to actually do it right now with these issues seems a little less romantic than I'd imagined haha.

 

The problem is as certain as I am for my desire to want to spend my life with her, I'm also certain I want to finish up my time here in Germany. And that if this relationship truly is what's best for me then I don't think one should have to come at the expense of the other.

 

I've told her before that I feel as if we are already married and that I don't look at any other girl in the way I look at her, that in my mind she's the one for me and that's that, and I have never given her ANY reason to question my trust/integrity (except for trying to cover up my contact with this German girl by deleting texts), never even been slightly interested in other girls, and no guy has ever cheated on her in the past. She has never had these sort of insecurities before, and when we dating back home things were great. She did sometimes feel that I wasn't "emotional" or affectionate enough or that I didn't love her as much, but I would tell her that that was not the case at all, that I'm just not a massively affectionate guy and that I want to be with her forever. That my being with her and being so happy with her and wanting to stay with her were all signs that I loved her. It certainly wasn't a big issue, everyone said we were a good couple, we both thought we were an amazing couple and yeah, 3 years of good times pretty much. She is 2 years younger than I am, and she only had one serious relationship beforehand that I think lasted a year or 2.

 

The German girl thing is honestly God playing a joke on me, I swear - I will not hear from her for 4 or 5 days and then she just happens to send me a message while I am skyping with my girlfriend. Of course she hears my phone go off, I'm not going to lie to her and pretend it's someone else, so I tell her and explain it's work related or totally innocent and that again I don't picture other girls as anything other than friends but there's no way to prevent the oncoming fight. In her mind this just confirms that we're texting eachother every second of every day. Before my gf left Germany I had to meet up with this German girl, my gf was aware of this as I had explained it to her beforehand, but again life throws me a lemon and I end up catching a bus home for the first time by myself, get off at the wrong stop, can't use my phone without wifi, and end up returning home 2 or 3 hours late. The whole time my girlfriend becoming enraged at the thought of me out late, having fun with this other girl. Just tiny things like that, that are 100% innocent, and that I shouldn't have to worry about, but they have ended up causing a major rift between us. My gf is convinced I see this girl every day, text every day, that she's flirty, that she likes me, and nothing I ever say to the contrary will convince her other wise. The only thing I can do to make it better is cut off contact and again the fact that I'm not willing to do this "one little thing" and that I "choose a strange girl over her" only confirms in her mind that I don't love her as much as I should.

 

If it was an innocent choice, of course I would choose my gf! If someone said, tomorrow you can have an amazing day out, nice food, good experiences, lots of laughs, etc now pick a person to take, it would be my gf every day of the week! But I feel like her actually asking me to choose, or the fact that one actually is coming at the expense of the other, seems like an inherently different situation to me. I don't want a relationship where that can be the case. I think we should be strong enough for it to not come between us. Maybe my view of relationships is wrong, but for me a relationship that needs me to "proove" my feelings in this way isn't a strong, healthy relationship.

 

Perhaps TMicheals you are right and the German girl thing is just her go to issue at the moment and not actually the real issue here. Without the girl in the picture I admit I see things being easier but I do agree just me being here and being happy is going to continue to cause issues.

 

I know that she's acting this way because she is insecure and maybe I have to assume some responsibility for being a little too laid back and not making her feel loved enough up until this point. But I certainly do love her, she's still the biggest and best part of my life, she just won't believe it To make her believe it I would have to compromise my own values. And every day of being in a stand off is making things worse.

 

My girlfriend has never explicity asked me to come home, and I don't think she would. She would much rather I make that call myself. I think she wants me to *want* to make that call, which I dont. It's just a bit of a mess and everything I do seems to make her more insecure and I could not be surprised if she ends up calling it off and says she can't deal with it. It's just so difficult because if that happens I would forever blame myself and regret not making more of an effort you know? Because I want the relationship, I really do, I was so sad when she had to leave and the only thing that cheered me up was thinking about how happy I would be when it was time to come home. If it goes bad I will definitely feel like it's my fault and I'm worried I'm risking an amazing future with an amazing girl because my short-term thinking is being too stubborn and just wants to stay here and enjoy life, even if she's at home being miserable.

 

Perhaps I give her the options and just pray that when I get back she hasn't felt so abandoned and hurt that she will be willing to pick it up again. Feels like such a massive risk though and again, if it didn't work out I'd be left in a world of pain.

 

She won't like either option, but to be honest if you don't get some sort of relief from her constantly whining and pining, then chances are your relationship isn't going to go the distance (literally or figuratively) anyway.

 

This is true but mainly just wanted to say I enjoyed the pun haha.

 

But, I'm curious how you came to the above realization (that there's something wrong with you not "needing" someone in your life at the expense of all else). Did she tell you that?

 

Yes, she said she feels I don't need her. I said that I don't, but it's not because I don't love her, it's because I'm independent and I don't "need" anyone to survive. I didn't say this, and please don't tell my friends or family, but I have the attitude that at the end of the day you make your own happiness. If everyone I know and love was to die in a freak accident tomorrow of course it would be absolutely devastating. It would crush me. But at the end of the day (perhaps the end of the year haha) I would move on. There really is no other choice to me, it truly is that black and white. you either deal with things or you don't. And not dealing with things seems like a poor decision to me. Anyways, not to derail, but that's sort of how I feel. So I said to her, no I don't "need" her, but yes I absolutely want her and that's what matters. That I am choosing to want her and spend my life with her.

 

She said hearing me say I don't need her was the worst thing I've ever said to her. She wants a boyfriend that needs her, she wants to feel needed, and she can't believe what I am saying. She said she bets if I was to be away from her for 3 years that I would be fine and carry on as if nothing had happened. That I've already forgotten about her and she obviously doesn't mean much to me, etc. And for her that is absolutely unacceptable.

[delight]

can you please do me a favour and show this post to your girlfriend , to see it in writing will help - you can save this if you want , dont be so cookie cutter, take a chance !

[blue_ikat]

When I think of our future it's exactly what I want and I think to not get there would be such a waste and I would be bummed about it for the rest of my life. Make no mistake, I want her and I want the relationship and I want our future together. I could absolutely see myself proposing to her "in theory", because to actually do it right now with these issues seems a little less romantic than I'd imagined haha.

 

The problem is as certain as I am for my desire to want to spend my life with her, I'm also certain I want to finish up my time here in Germany. And that if this relationship truly is what's best for me then I don't think one should have to come at the expense of the other.

 

Have you told her exactly that? As in, "I love you, and I plan to propose to you after my time in Germany ends"?

 

IMO, it can be incredibly helpful to say exactly. what. you. mean. In a succinct, positive, single sentence. Not "I love you, but I feel that it's important for me to be here and have experiences without you for the time being" etc., etc.

 

Your message seems to be that you plan to make this woman your wife, but she's driving you a bit batty right now. Maybe she's acting so batty because she hears a long, wandering discourse and she wants one firm statement (that's how the issue with the German woman seems, anyway). Especially the more you two discuss your future, the more anxious she may be to hear something that indicates it's not just a fantasy.

 

Seriously. Don't tell someone you "don't need" them. That is a harsh phrase, because she hears the words you are saying, not your philosophical intention behind it.

[BluGamma]

Ah im glad i've never been in this situation, i mean the jealous part has happened with my fiancee. LDRs are very tricky as it all relys on the trust and strength of the realationship.

 

It sounds as if your Gf is jealous of this german girl that is helping you learn german, another thing too it almost sounds like actually feels like you have abandoned her, if that makes sense.

 

i think quiet honestly instead of talking about the future with her, talk about what you two really want at this point in time.

 

This might sound really harsh but to some extent it actually sounds like shes trying to guilt trip you for leaving her for 6 months. I can see why she might be abit jealous of this german girl

[czen]

I'm kind of in a similar situation, but I'm in a real LDR, which will still take two years. We see each other like every two months now.

 

 

I haven't solved it myself yet, so I hope you'll give us an update on how it is going, but so far we're just discussing and arguing her insecurities one night and then we have the same iscussion all over again the next night. I'm just trying to hang in there till we see each other again. I think you just need to sit this one out, or propose a break. And that could backfire, since that can be even more of a signal to her that you don't love her. It will be easier for you though, and it might give her some time to see she can be fine on her own.

 

Or perhaps she can find some professional help, I'm not saying she is mentally sick, but maybe something happened in her past to make her feel so insecure?

 

Anyways, let us now how things have been going.

[justwhoiam]

Unfortunately things don't seem to be improving. I thought we were in a good zone a few days ago, reminding each other of how much we wanted our future and what not but it's turned sour again and it feels like every conversation we have now ends up in the same spot: her feeling unloved and wanting me to try and fix it, and me probably making a "less than amazing" attempt at it and in the end more or less shrugging my shoulders, feeling like there's not too much I can do about it. Which is interpretted as me not caring, which just reinforces her insecurities about my feelings and the relationship, and the next conversation we do the whole thing over again.

The problem is she doesn't believe the things I say.

This material could be used in one of those seminars for men on what NOT to do with a woman if you want to keep her. It pretty sums it up in a nutshell. Amazing.

 

And that if this relationship truly is what's best for me then I don't think one should have to come at the expense of the other.

One day, when you least expect it, tables will turn and only then you might understand. And feel the way she feels now.

The German girl thing is honestly God playing a joke on me, I swear - I will not hear from her for 4 or 5 days and then she just happens to send me a message while I am skyping with my girlfriend. Of course she hears my phone go off, I'm not going to lie to her and pretend it's someone else, so I tell her and explain it's work related or totally innocent and that again I don't picture other girls as anything other than friends but there's no way to prevent the oncoming fight.

Do you ever show your gf her texts? You are having a relationship that is beyond her control. Not that she should control it, but she's far away, and she knows you're having fun with this girl. How should she feel? She will grow even more distant until a breaking point, eventually. Is this 6-month trip worth it? In a girl's logic, if that kind of transition fun is so important as to break up with her, she will break up and move on. After all, you are not doing anything to save the relationship, and that's the main signal she's getting right now. You are not showing signs of interest other than words. Also, you're mixing work and pleasure a bit too much.

 

Remember, she feels insecure because you are making her feel insecure. You are not head over heels in love with her and she's aware of that. When you're about to lose someone, if you really care, you do something. You're not doing anything.

 

It's just so difficult because if that happens I would forever blame myself and regret not making more of an effort you know? Because I want the relationship, I really do

Two words: prove it.

 

she said she feels I don't need her. I said that I don't

She's going through a lot of crap for you, that's for sure. She's being quite patient, but it probably won't last long. In her mind, she might have set a deadline, by which she needs to see something's there. After that, you'll be history, because she will force herself to forget about you. Edited July 29, 2012 by justwhoiam