DanielStephen Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I'm new to this board, but my recently ex'd girlfriend was here when she and i were together for slightly related problems. I figured i might be able to get some help or at least an idea of what is going on in my head and possibly hers. I've been afraid to truly fall in love with someone for the past 7 years of my life. i'm not exactly sure why, but when i get deep into a serious relationship i tend to either get comfortable and used to the lifestyle and thus not appreciate my partner like i should. or i get scared that something is going on behind the scenes and get jealous. not ever to a point where i flip out about it, just questioning things that normally would go unnoticed or just accepted as part of who we are as individuals. well i was with her for just over a year and we've had our problems. my being a drinker with my friends, and her being a recovering alcoholic. she relapsed when my friends pressured her into it against my protests. things weren't fine, but they weren't that bad with her drinking. a few times she got out of control and then she quit again. things got better. then i ended up having a problem with her "controlling" me. or at least that's how my friends made it out to be, and i sometimes believed it, sometimes denied it, and sometimes stuck up for myself or her because i knew i wanted to be with her and not them. yes i shouldn't let my friends cloud my judgement, but sometimes it's just hard. although i did cut back my drinking to a once a week or every other week basis, sometimes she still acted like it wasn't enough. so for the month or so leading up to our breakup i had been going out a little bit more and drinking more frequently which she didn't like but dealt with. she used to get mad and argue with me but now she was being more lenient or at least accepting. later i found out it was bothering her extremely and she was just letting it slide because she loved me and wanted me to be happy. well to get to the point, i broke up with her about 3-4 weeks ago. i found out she still had a crush on one of her ex flames and i let it get to my head and snapped. i told her that it was over and she can go ahead and be with him if she thinks about him all the time. she came home and cried and begged me to stay with her, even move out but stay together and she could live at her parents. i told her i didn't know about the latter but i needed time to think. her father came over a few hours after we broke up and helped move her stuff out. we talked everyday and saw eachother a few times over the week after we broke up. even getting intimate like old times. i wanted her back but i didn't know how to accept that i had to grow up and she had to deal with me as a person trying to change to help myself. well, a week went by and i told her i wasn't sure about getting back together and not living together, but i never said no. then a day after i made the decision that i couldn't be without her. she meant too much to me and i had never felt this way before about anyone. the good feeling and the upset stomach and broken heart feeling. she said no. from that point on i begged her and texted her constantly and called her to see what she was doing...one day dropping by her friends house on my way home. i know i just went crazy. i didn't know what to do. and maybe i should have let time take its course and possibly bring her back to me, but i just couldn't wait and let things slip away. looking back on it i know i scared her and made her think i was going crazy and being bi-polar. i guess i was. i need to accept some things about my life and her not being a part of it anymore. i just don't exactly know how. the last time i talked to her was last night because i kept sending her messages asking her to talk to me because i heard a rumor she was with another guy already. that hurt like he** and i had to know, even though i know it would hurt even more if i found out. well she told me that she wasn't "dating" anyone, just hanging out with this guy she had worked with years ago. i've never met him but she said he took her to the movies, out to dinner, spent the night at his place, and bought her flowers. all things i had done in the beginning and throughout our relationship. so i was devastated and spent the entire night sitting up staring at the ceiling and feeling like any moment i was going to throw up because i was so nausious and hurting. (you all know the feeling) so i sent her a message saying "good luck with her new guy and if she ever needed me to leave me a message" because i can't talk to her on the phone for fear of begging for her to come back to me. i just need to know a couple things... why does this hurt so much when it's never been like this with another girl. how can i make this easier on myself knowing she's happy with someone else and most likely will never be any part of my life again, even a nod or wave on the street. and is there any way i might be able to get her back? i know i need to just give it time and leave her alone and not talk to her. and i've made a solemn vow to quit drinking even when i go out with the guys. and i told her that i was going to quit. her father was an alcoholic and she told me many times that she was worried about me getting to that stage, but i never drank enough or acted as extreme as the stories she told me, but we did fight more if i had been drinking. so i know i need to quit drinking..for me as well as for anyone i meet in the future. well that's my story....help?
lemario1 Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 i feel you in every way possible. I am in the exact same situation as you and i know how it feels. It hurts alot but if you keep talking to her and see she is only intrested in being friends well i guess thats the way it got to be. But you said she said there just friends , and if she really wanted to break it off with you and give u no hope of getting back together., she would of said something of them messing around. If she is the type to get you jelouse, then it is part of the act of getting you jelouse, but if she is really over you, you have to bring up how you feel about her and basically pour your heart out. If she rejects u then she is over it and if she seems to respond, keep trying, because if you dont you will always be woundering what if.
Author DanielStephen Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 she said that they had gone to the movies and all that...not dating, but seeing one another. so i don't know how serious it is, but she just called me to see how i was doing cuz she was worried about me doing something drastic, which i never would. i said i'm doing better and moving on and i am going to be happy. she asked about me quitting drinking and i said that i was going to do it for whomever i meet in the future to see how it affects my relationship if at all. she said that was good and i told her i wish her luck with her new boyfriend and i hope her life is a happy and prosperous one. she said the same back. i figure i won't ever hear from her again and if so, that's the way it is. i've told her i love her more than life itself and i wanted to be with her. if i had to wait i would wait. and she said she couldn't be with me at this point in her life, and maybe not ever. i assume that's just her polite way of saying that i need to move on because we aren't going to be together and i need to accept that. so i am doing my best to go day to day and be happy again without her. i was before i met her, so i can be now. thanks for the reply and consolation...i appreciate it. any other advice would be helpful to just move on. i can't keep trying to get her back because she doesn't want that. and i am alienating her more and more each time i pour my heart out to her.
lemario1 Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 well pouring your heart out dosent work , i guess she has moved on and start getting busy with things like going out and keeping busy, if u think about her think about it and just think about something else, dont get caught up in the nostalgia. right now iam talkin to my x and i poured out my heart to her and now we are talkin like normal, i really want to tell her i love her but i know she will just pull away and being needy is not attractive to a women, i havent called her and she calls me, i feel you man just give it time and i know u dont wanna let go but u got to cause its unhealthy to keep goin after someone that dosent want you in that way. so just give it time and i bet your a great guy who can find someone else who you will love
Author DanielStephen Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 i know someday i will find someone better. right now it's just hard knowing she's out with a new guy and she's happy with him and i'm probably the farthest thing from her mind. but i guess it's only fair. i've only been in a couple serious relationships in my life but each of them i broke up with her and moved on fairly soon after. of course i stayed friends with them and hung out with them after the break up, and sometimes got back to a "seeing each other" relationship. so i guess karma has its payback on me and i've only got myself to blame. the gut feeling is going away, and i'm trying to keep my mind off of her and what she's doing and why she's not here with me, but it's still rough. i know it's going to be a while until i can go a day without wanting her back, but i know it's for the best that she's with someone else and happy. i loved her enough to let go today. and if she ever calls i can't answer. i hope she has a great life and i hope mine gets better soon. i will always remember her and think about all the good and bad times we had and know that it could have been different but it just didn't work out that way. thanks for the support.
Author DanielStephen Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 ok...now i really need some help here. i haven't talked to her since she called me and she called me yesterday to get a book back from my sister that she lent her. she knows my sister's number and has called her to find out where i am in the past, yet she called my phone 4 times and then another time with a blocked ID and my friend answered it cuz she didn't know who it was. she got on the phone and was kinda demanding about the book and i thought she was going on vacation for the next week so i told her i'd get it back to her when she comes back. she told me she's not going on vacation because she doesn't have enough days off. so i told her i'd get it back to her today or tomorrow. i tried to be nice to her but she just got rude so i told her i'd get it to her or have my sister drop it off and she said fine and we hung up. then i sent her a text message just saying to call my sister for the book because she doesn't want to see me anymore. well i turned my phone off so she wouldn't call me anymore. i get home this morning from outta town and i have a voicemail from her. 3:58am saying "i miss you" in a very sad and muffled voice. what the hell do i do. i didn't call her back and i don't plan on it. i should just keep moving on right? i've been doing fine these past few days without her. actually very good. so any advice would be helpful. thanks
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Hi, wow! i am going thru this same thing right now. Its so hard, i know, mornings are the worst.
Starting Over Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Daniel.... Wow, that sounds really confusing. I think to resolve your current situation you should sit down and talk in person about how you each feel, what you see happening in the relationship, etc. Maybe you should decide to not talk for a certain period of time....like a month. I think the problem going on here is that how you feel about each other is being measured by your mood on any given day. And our moods change, and that changes our mind about things. For each of you to decide if you want to be together you need to do an inventory of what worked for you in the relationship, what made you truly happy, and what was good. I feel for you because you are dealing with someone who has a very big issue that she has to deal with...a history of addiction. I think that is the cause of a lot of the problems between you...and not just the fact that you were drinking...I'll come back to that:) When you deal with addiction it's not just to one thing like alcohol...when you quit the alcohol...then it's smoking...when you quit smoking, then it might be food, when you control the food, then it might be people. She may have realized that some of her behavior toward you was stemming from her addiction...and maybe she was acting in a way that she knew wasn't healthy for either of you. From your email, it sounds like you were doing the right thing, it's just that she realized she had to take care of herself. I could be wrong...but that' s my best guess. I think it is awesome that you have stopped drinking, knowing that it is for yourself and not just for her. That makes me think that you have a promising future in a great relationship with someone, maybe even your ex. I hope this has been helpful to you...I'll keep u in my prayers! S.O. .
Author DanielStephen Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 well she took too many days off when we broke up to try to collect herself and she was supposed to go on vacation with her family all next week and now she can't go and it's sorta my fault for putting her through that. i sent her a message saying i was sorry for causing her to miss work and not be able to go on vacation and that i was truly sorry that she was going to miss out on that. she called me back about 10 minutes later but i didn't answer and she left me a voicemail saying "hey, it's me..don't worry it's not your fault. call me later today so we can talk" but in a very odd tone. it seemed like she misses me and wants to talk and i can't read it. all of my friends say she's playing games because she realized that i am getting on and doing fine and maybe she wants to just satisfy herself by making sure i'm still in the chasing after her phase. i'm not planning on calling her and if she calls again i won't answer. but she works about 5 minutes away from our..well..my apartment now and i'm afraid she might come over after she gets outta work. do i let her in or do i pretend i'm not home. my car is in the garage so she won't see it. ugh...and what of her new boyfriend???? last night when she called i told her "maybe since you're not going on vacation next week that'll give you more time to spend with jason" her new guy. i don't know if they are serious or just starting out or just playing around. no clue. wish i knew more but then again i wish i didn't know at all. oh well..life goes oh o-bla-dee, o-bla-da
jw32802 Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 danielstephen i know how hard it is to think of the one you love w/someone else, it feels like it dilutes all of your own memories with her. but the thing that gets me thru is just thinking that you know who you are and if you are the best you can be and she loves you she wont be able to help but love you. Sometimes i wonder if its best for them to compare us to others, i mean im sure they are. When we were together, and we used to argue, somewhere deeep inside of me i used to think "i wish he would date someone else for a little bit because maybe he'll come back to earth and appreciate what he has" but now that he is with someone else its hard. i just keep thinking "i know im better than her" but i dont know her, thats the problem . i wish i did know her; she seems like a real bit** though, and i just wasnt at all, i was very easy to get along with, i dont take many things personally and i alway laughed when i was with him, i just think most girls bitc* so i hope she does too lol.....
Author DanielStephen Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 well this is the email she sent me tonight after i asked her one last time to give us another shot... Daniel, I guess after being with you for a year, and loving you so much, I at least owe you a letter. Thank you so much for all the song lyrics. You are a very thoughtful person. I'm not really sure what to say to you at this point. You're a blargher... you've always been a blargher... and you will always be a blargher... I'm so sorry that things ended up the way they did. Although, I don't believe any mistakes were made by either of us. We are only human and we can't plan how everything is supposed to go. I believe that great things will come to you and probably a great woman and a great family of blarghers. As for me... I can only hope for the same. I hate loving something so much and then losing it. The pain is unbearable and the only way I can think to cope with it is acceptance. I hate that I have to accept the end to our relationship and I never thought the day would come. I thought we could work through anything... and we probably could... but sometimes things just aren't meant to be and it's God's plan... not yours... not mine. I firmly believe, with all my heart, that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. You might not remember, or realize, the struggles between us. I do. I know that things don't have to be so complicated and when things just seem to be falling apart there is a reason and that reason is the end, in our case. I have learned a lot from you. I've also experienced a lot of love from you. You need to know that I will always love you. I will never forget you. I'm having a really difficult time writing this letter... it's making me sad. I can't write anymore right now. I'm sorry. i just replied that i guess i have no choice but to accept that its done and i will never have her as a part of my life again. simple as that. night all and thanks for the support. oh...and "blargher" is just a word that i made up one night and we started calling one another as a symbol of adoration and love.
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