Is my boyfriend the perfect gentleman or a vampire?

[Seras Victoria]

Hello everyone. I am a young woman from the United Kingdom currently studying in an university. I have had only two relationships to date. The first one ended rather quickly because he was immature and very selfish in bed. The second one is on the verge of driving me insane. Please allow me to elaborate...

 

I met my current boyfriend during my studies. He is tall, has a very powerful (hence attractive to me) physique and is very handsome. I was immediately attracted to him when I saw him. And I loved how he daringly returned all of my stares at him before we got to know each other. When I met him, I found him to be a very good mannered and kind person, and we became good friends very quickly.

 

It did not take long before we started flirting extensively with each other and I was amazed at how he turned sentences so pleasantly to flatter me. We then had dates and ever since consider each other to be partners...

 

For a long time, our relationship was just too good to be true. He has always been (still is) very thoughtful, considerable and respectful to me. He is also very good at cooking, much better than me, and constantly cooks me food and other treats. In addition, he helps me with my studies very willingly and plays computer games with me. I wanted to get a lot closer with him very soon and that was when the problems started to begin.

 

When we first had sex, he completely blew my mind. I was just laying down there unsure of what to do and enjoying the amazing trip. The problem which bothered me was, there was no way for a him to be a virgin, as he stated that he was a virgin before he had sex with me. He was like a playboy in bed. He must've been lying to me, I thought. So I had to confront him about this and I did. He said that he extensively studied how to please women in bed and learned meditation to discipline himself to last longer. As crazy as that sounds, it upset me very much because I felt very inadequate. He basically trained himself for sex and I was just some girl. I still feel bad about this to this day.

 

Anohter problem is that he never looks at me during intercourse and compulsively looks away from me. This made me feel as if I am very unattractive so I had to ask him why. He said that is because he is detaching himself to last longer. What is the point of having sex in the first place if he isn't even thinking about me?

 

The real problems are emotional rather than sexual. He does flatter me with words at times but most often he hangs around the house like some robot either studying, cooking, or using his computer. I always try to catch his looks but he just stares blankly to nowhere, like ignoring me on purpose to tease me. I always try to get closer to him, to cuddle and such, but he never initiates such things except to seduce me. That is anohter thing. He says that he is "somewhat uninterested in sex" because he claims that he gets very little out of it. I can see where he is coming from because he pushes himself way too hard for it to be any fun for him and he never admits what he wants or his fantasies but I want him to. I want to be his queen in bed. I want him to have desire for me just as I desire him. Whenever I try to return his trickery in bed, he just pushes me away because it doesn't help him last longer. This just pisses me off. Doesn't he understand that I would like to make him happy just as he wants to make me? Maybe I am being too judgemental but I can't take this anymore. As I said, he almost never approaches me emotionally and says that he "doesn't like to feel vulnerable". Shouldn't vulnerability be shared? One day I asked him how can I make him happier and he said that I can try to cuddle with him more often because he likes skin contact with me. Okay, but why doesn't he want to initiate it? I would love it. It feels like he is somehow draining me emotionally. Am I being unfair or are there serious problems in this relationship?

 

He also has so damn many female friends compared to male ones. Of course, he in an ever-so-kind person, helps people whenever he can and I am constantly concerned about how some of his female friends approach him. He doesn't respond to them of course, not to my knowledge anyway, though I can't help but feel protective and concerned. This wears me out a lot.

 

I feel like if I left tomorrow he wouldn't give a damn because he would think that he did everything "right". Why should he care when he can find someone else easily with his... abilities? He says that he loves me I am not sure that he loves me anymore. Maybe he is deceptively trying to satisfy his ego proving to himself just how a good partner he can be. I cried during one night thinking about such things.

 

Now I have to say that I love him. I would like your insight about my situation. I want our relationship to get better and share my life with him. Maybe I am exaggerating and he is just emotionally shy and trying to show his love in other ways. I would appreciate your thoughts about what must be done. How should I approach him about my feelings?

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited July 9, 2012 by Seras Victoria

[Feelsgoodman]

He is definitely a vampire.

[M30USA]

Like Edward Cullen. Lots of girls must envy you.

[Nicomis]

Sounds like he's a good guy that tries too hard, and you are insecure. OR he is a vampire, and like Edward Cullen, he is also sparkly and gay. I would guess the former, but you never know.

[Stillgrowing]

if you feel something is off with his personality, stop dating him. I wish I had realized this when I was young. Don't be uber picky, but this is a pretty big thing. There's some emotional disconnect. Try to discuss it, but if you aren't satisfied with the result, be done. Like the other poster said, in the scheme of things you have known him like 5 minutes.

 

sg

[Radu]

You have to look at it from the point of view of action and reaction.

You cannot treat the reaction if you don't know what the action that caused the reaction is.

 

I would guess, something happened in this past to make him detach himself, i also notice you did not mention the ages.

 

It is possible that he could have trained himself for sex. There are a lot of books out there that give good information on the subject of sex.

Taking both the sex part and the many female friends part into consideration, i would not be surprised if he started reading some good PUA stuff.

Beyond the commercial stuff [which is crap and barely works], the whole ideea is to 'become a better man', this might explain to some degree the 'robot' vibe you get.

 

You really think your bf is Alucard ?

[Lovely.Lady]

The only problem I can see is his concern about "long lasting" sex and lack of initiating something he wants on his part (cuddling, skin contact). Sex is not about lasting 3 hours just to prove that he can last that long. Why wouldn't he want to know how willing his woman is to please him?? Of course, if he was a virgin, this might've been a concern in the beginning. But now it should be about pleasure for both parties and a time to explore new positions and fantasies. He shouldn't be reluctant to share these kinds of things with you or let you try something new and wild. Also, IMO, cuddling and touching is a huge factor in showing your partner you care, obviously you both desire this. It's not about WHO initiates it. It's about the TWO of you expressing your feelings physically just as often as emotionally to share that deeper connection.

 

PS tell him it's your turn to take control in the bedroom. when he gets close move slower or change positions. it'll keep him lasting.

[pteromom]

You need to tell him what you need in order to be fulfilled in the relationship:

 

"I don't care how long sex lasts. I would rather it be 5 minutes with an intense connection between us and kissing and looking into each others' eyes, than an hour with you looking away and trying to detach."

 

"I need you to be vulnerable and open to me. Show me you trust me. Show me that you want to share all of yourself with me."

 

"I need you to initiate cuddling and affection too. I want to feel loved and desired."

 

If he listens to you and is willing to make changes and try to help the relationship GROW, great. If he is so stuck in his own way of thinking that he is unwilling to try anything different, that's a huge red flag.

 

Although - your insecurity about your "inadequacy" is a red flag too. You need to work on feeling secure, liking yourself, and feeling worthy.

[janetadeline]

I can see where he's idea of studying how to please came from. Some guys especially those who are not so confident about themselves have the thought that they must stay longer in order to prove they are "REAL men" and can please women. When they are in that kind of thinking, their attention immediately switch to how they are doing and how long they can last. And they forgot about the real precious part of making love.

 

Be in the moment! Talk to him about it. Tell him that you will be most satisfied if he can commit and be in the moment with you during sex. Timing is not important to you.