How can I find the strength to leave?

[Shundeez]

Well its a start and you have to start somewhere. There are things that I could recommend if you were interested in re-igniting the fire and saving the relationship. But it sounds that there's too much water over the damn and under the bridge for that.

 

A lot of men just don't get that they have to remain and keep a woman emotionally engaged to be with them. That its not about how they feel about them (their SO/Husbands) nor about how they feel about the two of them as a couple.

 

BUT, How a man makes a/their SO/Wife/GF feel about themselves as individuals, women, etc WHEN they're with them.

 

Show me a man who understands that and has the tool/skill set to make a woman feel good about themselves when they're with them? And I'll show you a man who doesn't have to spend too many nights alone.

 

A man has got to keep things always in so much as possible on the positive side, do what he can to keep a woman smiling, laughing. Ease her burdens and worries. And most of all? Make her feel wanted, needed, desired, and good about herself (even proud) when she's with her.

 

Making love is 90% of what happens outside of the bedroom and only 10% of what happens in the bedroom.

 

Gunny any chance of sharing those recommendations on how to reignite that fire????

[Tallblueyed]

so difficult,

 

I have been not been on for a few weeks; I am sorry to read that you are still struggling. I know you are aware of my situation, and I will tell you that it gets so much easier after you make your stand.

 

I had the same struggle, trying to find the strength and the right time. It doesn’t come easy; it requires you to orchestrate a brief burst of courage, at the perfect time, with the perfect opportunity in just the right place. If this symphony is missing one element the whole thing can fall apart and you’ll be left feeling defeated (over and over).

 

For me, I was trying to create the right time and opportunity. As it turns out, I kept waiting and waiting, never finding it. Then one day she tried getting frisky with me by sending me sexual text to entice me into the bedroom; I felt a sudden surge of strength and replied, “Put on your cloths and come out to the living room, we need to talk”. That was it, the opportunity presented itself, and once I started talking it all came out (that I wanted a D).

 

Don’t get overwhelmed thinking about the aftermath. Those details have lots of time to be dealt with. The only thing you need to concern yourself with right now is finding that brief burst of courage and the right opportunity – merge them at just the right time and let it all out. Everything else can be talked about later, details are just details. Find your voice, you will immediately feel the weight of the world lifted; what you are doing now is self-destructive and is only pushing you further into the dark hole. Get out of the hole so that you can see the horizon and all the opportunities that await you.

[so_difficult]

@tallblueeyed it's so great to hear from people who really understand. Do you mind if i ask you how long it took you from the time you made your final decision to the day you went through with it? That might not be a fair question -- I've made the decision many times over the years and have yet to see it to the end.

[Tallblueyed]

@tallblueeyed it's so great to hear from people who really understand. Do you mind if i ask you how long it took you from the time you made your final decision to the day you went through with it? That might not be a fair question -- I've made the decision many times over the years and have yet to see it to the end.

 

The last infidelity was uncovered in March. I immediately left her, only to reconcile about three weeks later. The following three months felt like I was falling into an abyss of darkness that dwindled my self-worth. I knew when we reconciled that I was fooling myself, but I allowed her persistence to take precedence over my pain and reluctance to sweep it under the rug.

 

By June I knew without a doubt that I needed to get out of the marriage – at the very least I needed the space required to process what had happened (again). The ‘perfect’ opportunity never happened – but when I felt a surge of emotional strength I pushed through and told her I wanted out. It was not a discussion, as I knew she was going to object. There were a few details that we went over, but only the ones that revolved around the physical logistics of separating/moving out. The next two weeks she stayed in one of the spare bedrooms while she found a place to stay.

 

Making the decision and verbalizing it are two completely different events. Mentally you have made the commitment – no doubt! But you need to find the strength and opportunity to take the leap and say the words out loud (and mean them!).

 

A very gross analogy is that of a zit. You know it is infected and swelling and in desperate need in need of being popped. But there will not be any relief until you make the commitment and go through the pain of popping it. Gross...I know, but once it is done you will feel relief.

 

You are in a state of limbo. Nothing good will come from this place. You can go insane if you stay here too long. Save yourself and say the words out loud to your husband; even though it is just the start of a long journey, at least there will be some direction.

 

Good luck. Believe me, I understand; and trust me, you will feel relief afterwards.

[so_difficult]

I did actually tell him, but have not managed to carry it through. I think i really needed to just end it right there, get out of the house and make it final. By staying in the house i've strengthened his manipulation tactics and weakened my own resolve. I have to believe I will find a moment of strength soon and end this once and for all. I was away by myself for a couple of days last week and felt so free.

[shiftman]

for many many years every single night as I lay beside him in bed I fantasized about murdering him. I don't too much anymore. I think I've moved past hating him ... Now I just feel pretty much nothing.

 

By way of background, I have about 6 more years in my unhappy marriage than you do, and about 11 more years of downright misery. That said, here is what comes to my mind:

 

At times, I too used to fantasize about my wife dying - as this seemed to be my only way out - but I soon realized that as unhappy as I was, I did not want anything bad to happen to my son's mother. I'm sure that at times, this too may seem as though it is your only way to freedom, but it is not.

 

As with my situation, you have some specific dynamics in play that make a stay/go decision very complicated. I stayed and now realize that it was the wrong decision made for the right reasons.

 

Divorce can be a traumatic experience for children. So can living in a married but dysfunction home environment.

[firemanq]

Sorry to hear things are still tough for you.

 

When you start your conversation (after writing everything down), make sure to tell him that you want uninterrupted time to talk. People good on their feet can throw you off the best written outlines.

 

My girlfriend had a habit of interupting me when I spoke. She would only hear part of what I said, and usually not enough to understand what I was saying. I wrote a letter, it took me about 3 days to write two pages. I made lots of corrections and changes untill I was sure she would understand what my goal was. The examples I gave were very specific, I wanted no mis-understanding. Following are some paragraphs from the letter. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2] [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]" I am writing this because of some things that botherme. When I try to talk to you, you do not listen. You jump to conclusions about what I am goingto say next. It is like you take pleasurein interrupting me. I find thisdemeaning and showing how much you disrespect me. I have tried to talk to you, but you blow meoff and tell me I do not know what I am talking about. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Read this whole letter. Read it at least two times. Ifyou confront me before reading this at least twice, I will throw you out of myhouse. You will not be allowed back intomy house and my heart. I will be done with you. I will expect you to be outwhen I return from my Family Reunion. Ialso expect the car to be parked in the driveway and any keys you have for vehicles,the house and the shop to be left on the kitchen counter. Anything you leave will be disposed of. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]I am writing this because have difficultytalking to you. And writing is not any easier. I am not good at communicating my feelings. I have started and discarded this letterseveral times. I do love you, and havefor a long time. I am getting close tomaking a decision that will harm both of us. Not just us but also the kids. I am so tired of you constantly interrupting me and finishing mythoughts, putting me down. Do you lay awakeat night trying to think of ways to destroy me? To demean me?

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Did you do as I asked; did you read this letter all the waythrough twice? Probably not, I expectyou to blow this off. If it is my idea,it is of no value. But, when you talk toyour friends, you can tell them what a fool I am. You can get some giggles thatway. "[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Prior to the letter, we had a big blow-up. I had a week of work out of town and during the week I did not make my daily phone calls. Nor did I call when I was done and on my way home. I gave her the letter the 3rd day I was home.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]The letter worked, she is much better about listening to me. The first time she interrupted me, I asked if she still had her copy of the letter. [/sIZE]

 

If you are as poor a speaker as I am, putting thought on paper may work. I was in your place. As Rhett Butler said, "Charlotte, I don't give a damn" My letter was a final try, had it not worked, I would be a single man again. And I would never have seen our granddaughter and grandson again, two people who we both love dearly.

 

[/FONT]

[so_difficult]

@shiftman - did you ever leave?

[CrSif]

(Sidebar ~ You need to give yourself a minimum of one to two years or even more after getting out of one LTR before getting serious about getting into another. If you don't you'll more than likely find yourself in a less than fulfilling ~ satisfying relationship ~ or even a more diastrious one. Some say you should give yourself a month for each year? Actually its when your absolutely, positively comfortable living completely, absolutely alone all by yourself. Its when you've achieved self actualization and awarness. Its when you come to the realization that you really don't need someone else? That single or alone ~ in a relationship or not? Your good! Either way! But you want to share yourself with someone and others ~ and not just anyone.)

------------

I really like this line of thinking...thanks

[so_difficult]

I'm getting so frustrated with myself. Why can i not find the strength, day after day?? I'm almost embarrassed to post here. Almost every single day I say ok, tonight's the night. I plan what i'm going to say. And then i get home and lose my nerve.

 

Now i'm going to let you in on how crazy I really am. Every day when I drive to work I take off my wedding rings and every night I put them back on when I drive home. This is NOT to try to pick anyone up at work -- far from it -- I just feel so good and free when I take them off.

 

The thing is, every day it gets harder and harder to get them off. I think my finger is getting damaged and defintely swollen after doing this every day for four months. And every day I tell myself it's a good metaphor for leaving the marriage. Every day I prolong this it gets harder to do and more painful.

[GuyInLimbo]

I'm getting so frustrated with myself. Why can i not find the strength, day after day?? I'm almost embarrassed to post here. Almost every single day I say ok, tonight's the night. I plan what i'm going to say. And then i get home and lose my nerve.

 

Now i'm going to let you in on how crazy I really am. Every day when I drive to work I take off my wedding rings and every night I put them back on when I drive home. This is NOT to try to pick anyone up at work -- far from it -- I just feel so good and free when I take them off.

 

The thing is, every day it gets harder and harder to get them off. I think my finger is getting damaged and defintely swollen after doing this every day for four months. And every day I tell myself it's a good metaphor for leaving the marriage. Every day I prolong this it gets harder to do and more painful.

 

Holy s_hit. Are you sure you aren't a female counterpart to subconsciousness posting here? I'm serious. I do the same thing. And I also sometimes fantasize about what you posted at the top of this page.

 

I'm totally freaked out. Yet, thankful I have some kindred spirits.

[Tallblueyed]

I'm getting so frustrated with myself. Why can i not find the strength, day after day?? I'm almost embarrassed to post here. Almost every single day I say ok, tonight's the night. I plan what i'm going to say. And then i get home and lose my nerve.

 

Now i'm going to let you in on how crazy I really am. Every day when I drive to work I take off my wedding rings and every night I put them back on when I drive home. This is NOT to try to pick anyone up at work -- far from it -- I just feel so good and free when I take them off.

 

The thing is, every day it gets harder and harder to get them off. I think my finger is getting damaged and definitely swollen after doing this every day for four months. And every day I tell myself it's a good metaphor for leaving the marriage. Every day I prolong this it gets harder to do and more painful.

Hey there. Every time I see you post I think, "I hope she has done it!"

 

It only makes sense that it gets more difficult to take the next step; your frustration has become your new "normal". Break all the patterns you have established to mentally escape - go back to what you did before, as uncomfortable as it might be. You need to be completely immersed in the true reality of your marriage, without any false or temporary relief (i.e. taking off ring). Maybe that will rekindle the ambition to make a big leap (instead of just small token or mental steps).

 

...or get stinkin' drunk and let him have it

[so_difficult]

And you, tallblueeyed? Have you made your move yet?

[GuyInLimbo]

I smell *******s here.. you are just talking about yourself but from what I've been reading is that your H loves you with all his heart, trying for you, and you can't barely look at him ? Don't you ever think about how long you have been with him, your old times, the happy moments that gave you the reason to marry him ?

 

 

I think you will regret it in time that you left him, mark my words.

You are old now, you will be alone and live like that the rest of your life .

 

As I've come to learn the past few years, you can't force yourself to love someone. And having someone always asking you if they love them, etc. is f'ing annoying and a turn-off for me. It's like being married to a child.

[Tallblueyed]

And you, tallblueeyed? Have you made your move yet?

My journey has been a full circle of complete insanity. She moved out at the beginning of July, we maintained low contact – with a few episodes of her pleading to work on things. My anger has given way to grieving and remorse – which is where I am now. There are parts of me that believe that we might be able to work it out (we have been talking a lot lately), but unfortunately she is completely inept on her role in any sort of reconciliation (she has started seeing a specialist to that deals with childhood abuse/trauma and maintains that has to be the first priority – which it may very well need to be).

 

In a nutshell: still separated, could finalize divorce as early as December if I push it. Having doubts, but nothing will change if she doesn’t do some heavy…very heavy lifting.

 

But nothing will change that separating was the right thing for us; even if we reconcile. I have been going to IC, a divorce group, meditating every day (sometimes 2x), and playing a lot of guitar. I haven’t drank in almost two months (not that I was ever a drinker) – just doesn’t feel good to alter my mind. My next priority is to socialize more – sulking at home does not lead to anything positive. Oh yeah, this morning was the first day on antidepressant’s (Lexapro). I fought that tooth and nail, but I surrendered and started them this morning.

 

I think about you every time I log in – it saddens me to hear that you are still struggling with communicating your decision. Remember, you only need a few moments of strength to make it happen – details are just details and can be discussed later; the core of what you have to say can be summed up in a few sentences (it isn’t really a discussion). I know…easier said than done, but know that you have an anonymous cheerleading squad rooting for you.

[so_difficult]

 

I think about you every time I log in – it saddens me to hear that you are still struggling with communicating your decision. Remember, you only need a few moments of strength to make it happen – details are just details and can be discussed later; the core of what you have to say can be summed up in a few sentences (it isn’t really a discussion). I know…easier said than done, but know that you have an anonymous cheerleading squad rooting for you.

 

Thank you so much. It saddens me too! I'm really trying to get those 5 minutes but what keeps happening is that he'll have done all these nice things: cooked dinner, bought flowers, run me a bath, etc. They don't make me feel any different about him -- I think it's too late for that -- they just make me feel too guilty to say anything. When the time really is right it's middle of the night and I'm exhausted and tell myself it can wait till tomorrow. I'm honestly contemplating calling him from work but that seems too cold.

 

Re: your situation -- I am glad you realize that regardless of what happens separation was the right choice. I hope you and she work things out for yourselves, whatever that means as it relates to your relationship.

 

I'm very glad to hear you're planning on socializing more. As someone who once suffered from, and overcame, depression I always advise people to get out of themselves and their immediate environment and force themselves to be with other people even when they don't feel like it.

[oldshirt]

I've read through all your posts in this thread and so far the only reasons I've found that you are staying is you don't want to hurt your H's feelings, you are afraid your son will be upset, you're afraid your parents will be footing his bills and you don't like the apartments you've looked at so far.

 

Is there anything else that I am missing?

 

I get the feeling that you are waiting for the "perfect" time when there won't be any complications, won't be any unpleasant feelings and won't be any disruption in your normal daily life.

 

At some point you are going to have to accept that every day untill the Earth crumbles back into cosmic dust that there are going to be complications, inconveniences and disruptions. You need to accept that divorce will bring out some unpleasant feelings that people are going to have to deal with and you need to accept that divorce is going to disrupt people's regular, daily routine.

 

But lets sit back and think about this for a moment...........

 

 

 

......IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT????????

 

 

Aren't you wanting a new set of daily routines??

 

Aren't you wanting wipe this slate of unpleasant feelings clean so you can adopt a new paradigm?

 

Dont you think that you are hurting him more and more each day by torturing him with frustration that he isn't getting the close loving relationship he wants but at the same time you are sticking around just out of arm's reach but giving him false hope?

 

You are worried about hurting his feelings but you are destroying him piece by piece bit by bit every day now. If you leave he will be sad and cry and make promises and all of that and then he will pick up the pieces and get a job to support himself and then he will make a new life for himself and in time will find a new parnter that will like and appreciate him.

 

You are F'ing him over worse by staying and giving him false hope than you will hurt him by leaving. People FEAR loss and fight visciously to keep from losing things but once it's gone they usually adapt quite well and move on.

 

My humble opinion is at your core you are a perfectionist and want things to be perfect and clean and tidy and with no distress and unpleasantries and so you waiting for the perfect time. waiting for the perfect opportunity. waiting for the moment you won't upset anybody..........

 

........And here is the real clincher.......................

 

You are waiting for someone else to do it so you won't be responsible for the mess. You are annoyed and irritated at your husband for wanting to keep the marriage intact and wanting to be close and happy. You'd rather just deny him and make him unhappy so he leaves you so you aren't responsible for the disruption.

 

Here's the catch, you are wanting things to be clean and tidy and with no unpleasantries but in the mean time you are living in a pig's stye. You are living in squalor and you are living in chest-deep $h!t and people are miserable and unhappy and are up to their eye-brows in unpleasantness because everyone is waiting for someone else to break out the mop and bucket and clean house.

 

You and you alone are responsible for your own life and your own well-being. you are trying to make your husband responsible for your unhappiness and then you are using him as your reason for not moving forward with your own life and your own happiness. ... and you are making his life miserable and holding him back from moving forward too.

 

You are procrastinating. you are putting off the inevitable. you are putting off what you know needs to be done for everyone's benifit. at the heart of of the procrastinist is a perfectionist that is waiting for the perfect time, the perfect opportunity and the perfect set of circumstances where noone's feelings will be jostled.

 

The perfect time was 14 years ago. the perfect opportuntiy was when you made the realization that the relationship was completely broken and you noone longer loved him. The day that it will be perfect and will not cause any disruption or unpleasantness is NEVER.

 

You have an adult choice to make. you can do what you know is right for everybody and do what needs to be done and manage the complications and consequences as they come up, or you can keep putting it off and waiting for someone else to take it out of your hands and make you not responsible for any disruptions and unpleasantness that might occur.

[Ladydrib]

 

Okay I've rambled enough. How can I find the courage to do what I really want to do, though I feel it'll kill him and even me, in a way?

 

Staying is ruining your life. You just have to do it. Don't worry about how things will work out, just have faith that they will. It will be hard but after you get through it all, you'll be free. Don't feel bad for your kids having to have divorced parents. Plenty of kids go through this and they're fine. You cannot stay if you're that miserable. You just have to do it.

[Ladydrib]

I feel so depressed.

 

This week I've started looking for apartments, thinking I could just leave and deal with things from that position, but since I already pay for everything in our house adding any apartment I could manage (I'm not going to say 'afford' -- I can barely afford life already) -- all I can find is crappy, tiny, smelly basement apartments. And even they are pretty expensive!! I have a pretty nice house in the country which I designed and we built, and it's a big drop to a smelly basement apartment.

 

Don't worry about this. I am going through the same thing regarding living changes. You will adjust. And the discomfort of a stinky, small, rented space has got to be less than living the rest of your life miserable.

 

Today H said as he left for work (he does work ... though pt and not consistently) ... he knelt down and said he can see every day I"m not happy and he'll do anything to make me happy -- but the subtext was as long as I stay. I'm everything to him and he would do anything to stop me from leaving him and breaking up the family.

 

Have you tried asking him how it is possible that he is happy with you when you are so unhappy with him? Ask him if he thinks he deserves someone who actually wants to be with him. I said these things to my husband and it helped him stop trying to hold me against my will. It's like being an emotional prisoner. And they know exactly how to make you feel trapped. Remember, you don't need his permission anyway. I know would help a lot if he agreed, but you may never get him to see it your way.

.

 

I say just get one of those stinky apartments and a lawyer. Forget talking to your husband. He's going to hold you as an emotional prisoner because he knows it works. I have the same situation. (minus the other woman in my bed)

[so_difficult]

I've read through all your posts in this thread and so far the only reasons I've found that you are staying is you don't want to hurt your H's feelings, you are afraid your son will be upset, you're afraid your parents will be footing his bills and you don't like the apartments you've looked at so far.

 

Is there anything else that I am missing?

 

I get the feeling that you are waiting for the "perfect" time when there won't be any complications, won't be any unpleasant feelings and won't be any disruption in your normal daily life.

 

At some point you are going to have to accept that every day untill the Earth crumbles back into cosmic dust that there are going to be complications, inconveniences and disruptions. You need to accept that divorce will bring out some unpleasant feelings that people are going to have to deal with and you need to accept that divorce is going to disrupt people's regular, daily routine.

 

But lets sit back and think about this for a moment...........

 

 

 

......IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT????????

 

 

Aren't you wanting a new set of daily routines??

 

Aren't you wanting wipe this slate of unpleasant feelings clean so you can adopt a new paradigm?

 

Dont you think that you are hurting him more and more each day by torturing him with frustration that he isn't getting the close loving relationship he wants but at the same time you are sticking around just out of arm's reach but giving him false hope?

 

You are worried about hurting his feelings but you are destroying him piece by piece bit by bit every day now. If you leave he will be sad and cry and make promises and all of that and then he will pick up the pieces and get a job to support himself and then he will make a new life for himself and in time will find a new parnter that will like and appreciate him.

 

You are F'ing him over worse by staying and giving him false hope than you will hurt him by leaving. People FEAR loss and fight visciously to keep from losing things but once it's gone they usually adapt quite well and move on.

 

My humble opinion is at your core you are a perfectionist and want things to be perfect and clean and tidy and with no distress and unpleasantries and so you waiting for the perfect time. waiting for the perfect opportunity. waiting for the moment you won't upset anybody..........

 

........And here is the real clincher.......................

 

You are waiting for someone else to do it so you won't be responsible for the mess. You are annoyed and irritated at your husband for wanting to keep the marriage intact and wanting to be close and happy. You'd rather just deny him and make him unhappy so he leaves you so you aren't responsible for the disruption.

 

Here's the catch, you are wanting things to be clean and tidy and with no unpleasantries but in the mean time you are living in a pig's stye. You are living in squalor and you are living in chest-deep $h!t and people are miserable and unhappy and are up to their eye-brows in unpleasantness because everyone is waiting for someone else to break out the mop and bucket and clean house.

 

You and you alone are responsible for your own life and your own well-being. you are trying to make your husband responsible for your unhappiness and then you are using him as your reason for not moving forward with your own life and your own happiness. ... and you are making his life miserable and holding him back from moving forward too.

 

You are procrastinating. you are putting off the inevitable. you are putting off what you know needs to be done for everyone's benifit. at the heart of of the procrastinist is a perfectionist that is waiting for the perfect time, the perfect opportunity and the perfect set of circumstances where noone's feelings will be jostled.

 

The perfect time was 14 years ago. the perfect opportuntiy was when you made the realization that the relationship was completely broken and you noone longer loved him. The day that it will be perfect and will not cause any disruption or unpleasantness is NEVER.

 

You have an adult choice to make. you can do what you know is right for everybody and do what needs to be done and manage the complications and consequences as they come up, or you can keep putting it off and waiting for someone else to take it out of your hands and make you not responsible for any disruptions and unpleasantness that might occur.

 

Oldshirt i agree with just about everything you've said here. (not the perfectionist part) I do ask myself what do i expect, that it's somehow going to be easy and pleasant? I know I am making things worse for him too by prolonging this, being half there and half out the door. I'm normally a strong person and don't understand my weakness here, but i have to find the strength. I won't be back on here until it's done.

[so_difficult]

Well he ends up making it very easy by being a real ******* and it reminded me of how many times like this we've been through. ( my mids and me i mean) I'm so totally done.

[so_difficult]

A**hole is what I said in my last post. I really am amazed I've been here this long. No more.

[so_difficult]

And i meant kids not mids. Sorry I was typing on an iphone before.

 

He just totally destroyed what was supposed to be a nice family time -- partly because of alcohol and partly because I don't know why. If things like this hadn't happened so many times before over the years I could put it down to stress with what's been going on with me, but we've been through this so many times before.

 

Our oldest son was coming home for a visit just for the evening -- we were really missing him and he was missing us. He's away at university for the first time.

 

I got home from work before H and the kids got home a few minutes later. When they arrived H starts kissing me -- and I don't mean a peck, I mean trying to have a long tongue kiss and not letting me get away to even say hello to my son. First of all, I've told him on numerous occasions that kissing me endlessly is the best way to send me running, and second, I wanted to see my son, who is standing right there with his brother!!!

 

So I finally pull away and say to him "I want to say hello to son 1" and he says "come on, be nice!" And acts like I'm being a b**ch for not kissing him passionately. Next thing he's sitting there looking miserable, not speaking. I'm not sure if I've said through these posts that he's the moodiest person I've ever known in my life -- and my dad is moody, but H puts him to shame. Then H starts moodily drinking.

 

So I'm talking to the kids and trying to include H in the conversation and he just completely ignores me, acting like I've said nothing at all. He continues to drink, barely saying a word to the kids and nothing to me.

 

During dinner (which H cooked, btw) the kids and I are trying to have a normal conversation while he sits moodily silent -- believe me, we've been through this before many times. We have our coping mechanisms.

 

Suddenly H starts raging about what it's like to be married to someone from my family. Everyone is so superior. The kids fall silent and look at their plates. I say "come on, son 1 is here just for this evening, let him have a nice time with his family" but he doesn't stop. He carries on and on about how everyone in my family thinks they're so superior to everyone else, starting with my dad. And when you're married to someone in my family you have to stay in the background. Then he starts asking the kids to agree with him "Don't you think so, son 1?" both the kids are still sitting silently staring at their plates.

 

I should add here that the kids really love my family and are very close to my parents. I say to H "don't try to make them say bad things about their family." but he just keeps on and on and on. I went up to son 1 and said quietly that I was leaving and to text me when he's ready to go back to his apartment. H gets mad at me saying "don't protect him!" WTF? Protect him from what?? On second thought I know -- protect him from his father.

 

I said to H - "I can't believe you're doing this, saying these things when we're trying to have a nice visit with son 1" And he responded in a way that made me realize he expected me to stay and have this "discussion" with them, like this is just a normal conversation!!! "Aren't we supposed to be able to discuss our opinions about things?"

 

I gave both the kids a little hug and left. I should also add here before everyone thinks I shouldn't have left the kids there that over many years of this type of behavior the kids have asked me to stay out of it because when I speak it makes things worse. My older son is able to calm him down and prevent him from driving when he's been drinking.

 

The kids both kept texting me all through the evening and calling from time to time when they got the chance, asking if I was okay and letting me know what was going on and they both kept saying "I love you so much mom, with all my heart" and I kept apologizing to them that our nice family evening got so destroyed.

 

They've always had to walk a tightrope with their dad -- because of his moods, his drinking, how he treats them (smotheringly loving one minute and angry, lecturing and yelling the next) and because of how he treats me a lot of the time. Not out and out terrible, but just cutting. And then smotheringly loving. They know more about things than I often give them credit for.

 

Anyway H fell asleep (passed out) on the couch and then I went home, got my things and slept in my parents' apartment (which is in the house). The kids came and snuggled with me for awhile, trying to make me and themselves feel better. Without me even saying this is the end, son 1 said "you can come live with me mom" which was a bit of a joke because he lives with 5 other students in a co-op. I said "oh that would go over well - 'hey everyone, my mom's coming to live with us!'" He's very good at making people feel better.

 

After the last few months of H being a model H I was beginning to forget why I wanted out. I think I was honestly in danger of staying again as I have so many times before. But last night was definitely it. Being in that nightmare made me remember just how many times we've/I've been in nightmares with him before.

 

I'm not living with that anymore. I'm not even going to talk to him except to work out living/custody details.

[oldshirt]

Most of the people here on LS are about to break up, are breaking up or are in the immediate aftermath of breaking up and are still in the actute heartbreak and pain phase of it. Many are still in the painfull process of divying up property and making child custody and financial arraingements and yes that part definately sucks.

 

However take some time to talk to all the people you know in real life that have been divorced for over a year or more. Most if not all will be doing fine and will tell you that there only regret was that they dragged all the painfull and difficults out longer than they should have and that they should have done it long before.

 

There are going to be a few people here and that were truly hurt by the divorce and haven't completely recovered after a year or two. Those are often people who were still in love with their spouse and were completely invested in the M and thought that things were great untill their spouse completely blindsided them and kicked them out involuntarily so a 25 year old could move in and then their spouse did everything they could to screw them over in the divorce so that they got nothing so the 25 year old could get everything.

 

A few of those people may still be hurting after the divorce but I can say with almost 100% certainty that you will be in the previous catagory. Your only regret and misgivings about the divorce and your new life will be that you didn't do it long ago.

 

Each day you wake up you have the choice to have it be the first day of your new life or just another continuation of the last 14 years of the one that you hate.

[so_difficult]

Thank you Oldshirt. I suspect you're right and I sure hope so.