How can I find the strength to leave?

[so_difficult]

I've been married for 21 years. The last 14 have not been happy, since I found him in my bed with someone else (a professional). We had two little kids and I stupidly rushed back into the marriage after running to my parents' house for a few days. Since then there's been everything from gambling to drinking constantly and being constantly angry with the kids to cheating to just not pulling his financial weight at all. Every time I've tried to leave, he somehow manages to convince me to stay. There are lots of different reasons, but ultimately I think it comes down to me being afraid of leaving him in a position where he's miserable. I know, it's crazy but there it is.

 

Anyway, my explanation of what brought me to this point makes him sound like an ogre, which he is not. He's very loving, caring, helpful around the house, would do anything for the kids (one is just leaving home, one is 15). In fact he's too loving ... smothering and needy are terms that come to mind quite often. But this has all brought me to the point that I just don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him.

 

So for the past couple of years I've been just going through the motions every day, keeping busy, doing what needs to be done. I was content enough as long as I didn't think too much. In fact I remember saying to someone that I'm happy enough as long as I don't expect anything from him. But it's been many, many years since I didn't cringe when he tries to touch me or, even worse, kiss me ... which he does constantly. He's always leaving me little love notes and telling me how I'm everything to him. He pretty much always has. It's gotten much worse lately:

 

A couple of months ago he started noticing that I really don't speak with him anymore (although it had been going on for a long time) and asked me did I not want to be married to him. I finally said no, I didn't. Since then, he's been trying to be the perfect husband ... I almost feel like a) he's in a job interview and b) he's become a servant. I know deep down that this is both partly true and partly him trying to manipulate me into staying.

 

I really don't want to be with him. I dread going home when he's there and I dread the days when we're off work together. I dread going on vacations with him to the point that I don't really take vacation time I have at work.

 

So what the hell am I doing there??? Our living situation sucks - we own a house with my parents (who also live there). I pay all the bills. I feel like if I could just leave, then I would, but how can I leave my parents? I think I"d be totally financially responsible for him regardless, and that leaves nothing left over for me to get my own place. But I can't seem to make him leave his home. I can't bear the thought of sending him off when he hasn't been doing anything wrong lately (he stopped all his BS behavior and claimed to have turned over a new leaf a couple of years ago. He still occasionally has problems with alcohol and he still doesn't contribute much financially, but I don't think he's screwing around anymore)

 

All the friends I have left (many of whom I've lost over the years because I didn't want to either pretend to be happy or tell them what was really going on) think I should just kick him out and good riddance. But he is really great with the kids too, and they love him so much. My younger son in particular is having a tough year anyway and I hate to put him through a parental break-up on top of it.

 

I should also mention that I've been seriously checking out other men. I feel like it's inevitable that I'm going to find someone else I want to be with, and that I deserve to be with someone better. I don't want to have to leave him "for" someone else. I want to leave for myself, and then if I eventually want another relationship it will happen. I've told him I feel completely ripped off by this marriage.

 

Okay I've rambled enough. How can I find the courage to do what I really want to do, though I feel it'll kill him and even me, in a way?

[Latte Love]

I completely understand. I am in a similar boat. I even bought a book!! LOL

 

The fear of it all can be completely paralyzing. I am not sure I have a ton of advice to offer, because I am currently trying to figure out how I am going to do this thing myself...but I at least empathize.

[so_difficult]

What book are you reading? Is it helpful?

[Latte Love]

I'm reading a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay" and it is actually helping. I mean, it's making me understand why I have stayed this long and why I want to leave...the clearer the decision the more I am realizing my need for planning...

[so_difficult]

Oh my goodness I remember looking at that book years ago. I've been through this for so long it could have been anywhere from 5 to 13 years ago. I should read it again.

[Gunny376]

I've been married for 21 years. The last 14 have not been happy, since I found him in my bed with someone else (a professional). We had two little kids and I stupidly rushed back into the marriage after running to my parents' house for a few days. Since then there's been everything from gambling to drinking constantly and being constantly angry with the kids to cheating to just not pulling his financial weight at all. Every time I've tried to leave, he somehow manages to convince me to stay. There are lots of different reasons, but ultimately I think it comes down to me being afraid of leaving him in a position where he's miserable. I know, it's crazy but there it is.

 

Anyway, my explanation of what brought me to this point makes him sound like an ogre, which he is not. He's very loving, caring, helpful around the house, would do anything for the kids (one is just leaving home, one is 15). In fact he's too loving ... smothering and needy are terms that come to mind quite often. But this has all brought me to the point that I just don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him.

 

So for the past couple of years I've been just going through the motions every day, keeping busy, doing what needs to be done. I was content enough as long as I didn't think too much. In fact I remember saying to someone that I'm happy enough as long as I don't expect anything from him. But it's been many, many years since I didn't cringe when he tries to touch me or, even worse, kiss me ... which he does constantly. He's always leaving me little love notes and telling me how I'm everything to him. He pretty much always has. It's gotten much worse lately:

 

A couple of months ago he started noticing that I really don't speak with him anymore (although it had been going on for a long time) and asked me did I not want to be married to him. I finally said no, I didn't. Since then, he's been trying to be the perfect husband ... I almost feel like a) he's in a job interview and b) he's become a servant. I know deep down that this is both partly true and partly him trying to manipulate me into staying.

 

I really don't want to be with him. I dread going home when he's there and I dread the days when we're off work together. I dread going on vacations with him to the point that I don't really take vacation time I have at work.

 

So what the hell am I doing there??? Our living situation sucks - we own a house with my parents (who also live there). I pay all the bills. I feel like if I could just leave, then I would, but how can I leave my parents? I think I"d be totally financially responsible for him regardless, and that leaves nothing left over for me to get my own place. But I can't seem to make him leave his home. I can't bear the thought of sending him off when he hasn't been doing anything wrong lately (he stopped all his BS behavior and claimed to have turned over a new leaf a couple of years ago. He still occasionally has problems with alcohol and he still doesn't contribute much financially, but I don't think he's screwing around anymore)

 

All the friends I have left (many of whom I've lost over the years because I didn't want to either pretend to be happy or tell them what was really going on) think I should just kick him out and good riddance. But he is really great with the kids too, and they love him so much. My younger son in particular is having a tough year anyway and I hate to put him through a parental break-up on top of it.

 

I should also mention that I've been seriously checking out other men. I feel like it's inevitable that I'm going to find someone else I want to be with, and that I deserve to be with someone better. I don't want to have to leave him "for" someone else. I want to leave for myself, and then if I eventually want another relationship it will happen. I've told him I feel completely ripped off by this marriage.

 

Okay I've rambled enough. How can I find the courage to do what I really want to do, though I feel it'll kill him and even me, in a way?

 

All the following applies to men as well as women? Its much more applicable to women than men.

 

I call it my "Sack Theory" (its not really mine ~ I've picked up bits and pieces here and there over the years from various sources ~ some even from comedians)

 

When a man gets with a woman? We each get a "Sack". Some men's sacks are very little. Some men's sacks are very large.

 

Everytime a man does something? Or doesn't do something? Says something he doesn't he shouldn't do? Or doesn't do something that he should? More often than not? It goes into his "Sack"

 

This may go on for a short while? Or it may go on for years upon years? Regardless? When his sack is full? The woman is gone. And there's no getting her back. No amount of pleading, saying "I've change!" nothing ~ zilch will get her back! He can go to the gym, buy new clothes, change this and that. But generally, it simply comes down to "Your OUT of gas mother trucker! I'm out of here!

 

Your continue to stay out of concern for his well being, (Why? What about your well being, contentment, happiness as well as that of your children?) is born out of guilt and not sympathy for him.

 

Staying for the sake is of the children NEVER works, and is actually the last reason you should stay. Time and time and time again ~ children of divorce are happy when their parents are happy. They more resilant than we think. They're happy to see the arguing, the un-happiness, misery, the anxiety, the depression end. They tell the agrieved parent, "Why didn't you leave him/her years ago?"

 

Twenty-two years is a long, long time, and your not getting any younger you know? Once an individual reaches a certain age? Generally around the age of forty? The years fly by and before you realize it? Your fifty or sixty.

 

People put off living thier lives until they get a better job, until they can afford to buy this or that, until the children are grown? Trouble is? By the time that all takes place? They've lost the physical strength, mobility, wind, agility to enjoy so much that life has to offer?

 

Why set limitations upon yourself when life has un-limitless opportunties to offer. I'm not advocating going out and doing anything immoral, un-ethical, in violaton of your moral, ethical, religious, or personal code ~ nor anything illegal.

 

But your not doing anyone ~ not him nor your children especially ~ any favors by continue to stay in a loveless marriage ~ hanging around kicking at it, poking at it ~ Its DEAD! Its not going? Its gone!

 

All too many people are living their lives in the past ~ thus depression. Or the future ~ thus anxiety about the future. And all too many are self medicating with alcohol, drugs, pain killers, food (Choose your addiction of choice) instead of living their lives!

 

You need to become well grounded in the present ~ and only the present. Not the past ~ the past is the past and there's no bringing it back. No one can turn back the hands of time. Don't live your life in the future ~ fore no one knows what the future may hold.

 

Its entirely possible that the next forty-eight hours may be the last two days of your life. Assuming that it is? How would you spend those last forty eight hours? That's how you and all of us need to live our lives. Grounded in the here and now ~ the present.

 

Yesterday is a canceled check. Tomorrow is promissary check! Today? Today is money in the bank. Get busy living your life. Don't live your live thorugh someone nor for someone else. Live it for yourself.

 

Courage is simply doing that which we're most afraid of. Don't put your life on hold. Don't live your life ~ for nor thorugh others.

 

(Sidebar ~ You need to give yourself a minimum of one to two years or even more after getting out of one LTR before getting serious about getting into another. If you don't you'll more than likely find yourself in a less than fulfilling ~ satisfying relationship ~ or even a more diastrious one. Some say you should give yourself a month for each year? Actually its when your absolutely, positively comfortable living completely, absolutely alone all by yourself. Its when you've achieved self actualization and awarness. Its when you come to the realization that you really don't need someone else? That single or alone ~ in a relationship or not? Your good! Either way! But you want to share yourself with someone and others ~ and not just anyone.)

[so_difficult]

Thanks Gunny376 -- I like the "sack theory" and it makes total sense. And don't worry I would definitely not be rushing into anything. Right now I can't bear the thought of an actual relationship.

[so_difficult]

I feel so depressed.

 

This week I've started looking for apartments, thinking I could just leave and deal with things from that position, but since I already pay for everything in our house adding any apartment I could manage (I'm not going to say 'afford' -- I can barely afford life already) -- all I can find is crappy, tiny, smelly basement apartments. And even they are pretty expensive!! I have a pretty nice house in the country which I designed and we built, and it's a big drop to a smelly basement apartment.

 

Today H said as he left for work (he does work ... though pt and not consistently) ... he knelt down and said he can see every day I"m not happy and he'll do anything to make me happy -- but the subtext was as long as I stay. I'm everything to him and he would do anything to stop me from leaving him and breaking up the family.

 

I really want to tell him that the only thing that will make me happy is for us to part, but right then my parents happened to arrive.

 

Today is my son's birthday and we have an outing planned with him for Tuesday (he both works and is going out with friends every other day to celebrate being "of age") and I don't want to ruin his (my son's) day with us. He'll be leaving home soon as it is.

 

I have a plan that I think would work really well for him and I honestly think he'd be happy, but he'd never agree to it until after we've separated ... and not then if he felt we had even a 0.1 percent chance of getting back together.

 

He is constantly trying to kiss me and make plans for us to do things and he's just not getting it, no matter how blunt I am. I have to get away from him.

 

The plan now is Wednesday. I'm going to write everything down because I do better that way -- he thinks well on his feet but I don't and he throws me off. I'll have to either take extra time off work or do it on the phone. Honestly doing it on the phone sounds good to me -- he always turns me around in person.

[Tallblueyed]

The plan now is Wednesday. I'm going to write everything down because I do better that way -- he thinks well on his feet but I don't and he throws me off. I'll have to either take extra time off work or do it on the phone. Honestly doing it on the phone sounds good to me -- he always turns me around in person.

 

Sorry to hear things are still tough for you.

 

When you start your conversation (after writing everything down), make sure to tell him that you want uninterrupted time to talk. People good on their feet can throw you off the best written outlines.

 

I have been accused of being very quick on my feet. As a result, I make a very conscience effort to STFU when someone telling me something that I don't like or agree with. When my WS told me she was very nervous to talk to me, I stepped back and was able to recognize that she thinks differently from me and that she needs to have ample space/time to get her thoughts out.

 

Good luck. I know how difficult it is - I have told my WS that the only way she can show her love for me is by letting me go.

[Gunny376]

I feel so depressed.

 

This week I've started looking for apartments, thinking I could just leave and deal with things from that position, but since I already pay for everything in our house adding any apartment I could manage (I'm not going to say 'afford' -- I can barely afford life already) -- all I can find is crappy, tiny, smelly basement apartments. And even they are pretty expensive!! I have a pretty nice house in the country which I designed and we built, and it's a big drop to a smelly basement apartment.

 

Today H said as he left for work (he does work ... though pt and not consistently) ... he knelt down and said he can see every day I"m not happy and he'll do anything to make me happy -- but the subtext was as long as I stay. I'm everything to him and he would do anything to stop me from leaving him and breaking up the family.

 

I really want to tell him that the only thing that will make me happy is for us to part, but right then my parents happened to arrive.

 

Today is my son's birthday and we have an outing planned with him for Tuesday (he both works and is going out with friends every other day to celebrate being "of age") and I don't want to ruin his (my son's) day with us. He'll be leaving home soon as it is.

 

I have a plan that I think would work really well for him and I honestly think he'd be happy, but he'd never agree to it until after we've separated ... and not then if he felt we had even a 0.1 percent chance of getting back together.

 

He is constantly trying to kiss me and make plans for us to do things and he's just not getting it, no matter how blunt I am. I have to get away from him.

 

The plan now is Wednesday. I'm going to write everything down because I do better that way -- he thinks well on his feet but I don't and he throws me off. I'll have to either take extra time off work or do it on the phone. Honestly doing it on the phone sounds good to me -- he always turns me around in person.

 

Well its a start and you have to start somewhere. There are things that I could recommend if you were interested in re-igniting the fire and saving the relationship. But it sounds that there's too much water over the damn and under the bridge for that.

 

A lot of men just don't get that they have to remain and keep a woman emotionally engaged to be with them. That its not about how they feel about them (their SO/Husbands) nor about how they feel about the two of them as a couple.

 

BUT, How a man makes a/their SO/Wife/GF feel about themselves as individuals, women, etc WHEN they're with them.

 

Show me a man who understands that and has the tool/skill set to make a woman feel good about themselves when they're with them? And I'll show you a man who doesn't have to spend too many nights alone.

 

A man has got to keep things always in so much as possible on the positive side, do what he can to keep a woman smiling, laughing. Ease her burdens and worries. And most of all? Make her feel wanted, needed, desired, and good about herself (even proud) when she's with her.

 

Making love is 90% of what happens outside of the bedroom and only 10% of what happens in the bedroom.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sack theory!

 

I love it! It's so true!

 

All these guys say: I blah blah blahed before but I improved x part of stuff and didn't improve y and nothing is good enough for her and she still left!

 

Because the sack was pretty full, you stopped filling it up quite as fast and then she left you anyways. Duh! You were still filling the sack!

 

Gunny, stuff can come out if the sack too, but I think it takes twice as much effort! You have to do at least double to get stuff out of the sack that you out in, and most guys aren't willing to do the heavy lifting!

 

The idea is: yes, I cheated; now, I stopped do we are EVEN.

 

Ugh. And somehow they claim men are better at math & physics.

 

My husband is just on the cusp of getting the whole concept and he miles ahead of a lot of other men (especially on LS).

 

To add up to your theory a little Gunny, the sack isn't what the men carry, it's what we have to carry when they put that stuff on us, we can only carry (or are only willing to carry so much.

 

And a lot of us are carrying baggage from our childhood and previous relationships. There are only a few options: 1. Get steroid stronger 2. Don't complain and keep trying to get bigger sacks. 3. Drop the idiot that keeps putting the back-breaking garbage into our sack.

 

Now you see, many men think that their wives leave "all of a sudden with no warning" because they've been loading up that sack for so long that they think their wives can lift anything. They don't realize it is causing them to double over in pain. A lot of guys will even tell her to stop complaining or that "you agreed to carry it in the first place." a lot more will belittle their wives for "whining about carrying a sack" and even act like hearing about it is a huge inconvenience.

 

Sadly for us, a lot if us women think that if they don't carry the sack, no one will and then there won't be a relationship at all. A lot of us women will haul these sacks through mountains, valleys and high walls instead of "hurting" their man by making him carry his own damn sack and sending him on his way.

[Gunny376]

Yes it takes two, three times as much time, effort, energy and even money to get your stuff out of the sack than it does to put it in to begin with?

 

So why piss away all that time, effort, energy, and money stuffing and filling the sack to begin with ~ or at least fill it full of good stuff, feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc.

 

And do that from the "get-go" ~ you'll get a lot more mileage and bang for the buck by having done so ~ than filling it up with a bunch of "S**t to begin with.

 

The day you start winning your woman back? Is the day you meet her. And then "keep on keeping on!" Not wanting for her to reach the point of her dragging a dead horse and saddle around with her everywhere she goes ~ and then to add insult to injury having everyone tell her ~ "Hey, did you know your dragginh a dead horse and saddle around with you?" (Not just a sack)

 

What it takes to get her? Is what it takes to get her ~ AND keep her! That's the reason she got with you to begin with you Big Dummy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Gunny, you have to write all of this stuff out and market it!

[so_difficult]

 

Good luck. I know how difficult it is - I have told my WS that the only way she can show her love for me is by letting me go.

 

That is exactly what I intend to say! What kills me is I've told him so many times lately that the quickest way to drive me away is to keep trying to me all the time and what does he do? He keeps trying to kiss me all the time, saying "I know I"m not supposed to, but I can't help it!"

[so_difficult]

@dreamingoftigers what you say is so true. I just keep carrying more weight and carrying more weight and the more I carry the more I'm expected to carry.

[so_difficult]

Now to put another wrench into the picture I just found out that my son, who's been having a difficult year in soccer as second goalkeeper and never being allowed to play although he is very talented and works extremely hard (soccer is his life, he plays very high level and practices 6 days a week), has been constantly bullied by a few of his teammates. I wish he'd said something earlier, but now it's been going on for months. He's decided to quit the team and is feeling very depressed.

 

Argghhh! I feel terrible for him and soooo pissed off at the other players, but I'm also thinking 'oh great, now I'm going to throw his parents' breakup on top of this?'

 

@Gunny376 I LOVE the dragging a dead horse analogy. And yes, lots of people have pointed out to me that I'm dragging a dead horse!

[so_difficult]

Either I'm making this more difficult on myself than I have to, I have mental problems or I just don't know what the %$# to do.

 

H is trying ridiculously hard to get me to love him again. I feel like I should not be allowing him to act this way because I'm being cruel to him and to myself, but I don't really know how to handle it. He keeps running me baths, bringing me wine, cooking me nice dinners, rubbing my back, brushing my hair etc etc etc.

 

I know, sounds great, right? But first of all, except for the hair brushing and back rubbing part I am just not someone who needs or wants to be treated this way. I never wanted to be put on a pedestal and in fact broke up with people in the past because they were like this. I just want(ed) a nice, equal relationship of give and take. Second of all, I don't love him anymore and don't want him to touch me. I want to end this relationship but don't know how.

 

Really this is how it is: I want to make myself happy without making him sad. And that's not possible. So I just live in this limbo. I either go along with everything and be an unhappy zombie, which I've been doing pretty much for years, or I don't go along with everything, tell him I don't want to be with him, he gets depressed, doesn't sleep or eat and tries to kiss me constantly and I live in misery.

 

The alternative is to get out, but I don't know how I can, I really don't! Not only can I not afford to, but with my son going through his problems (among which is that his brother is leaving home to go away to school and he's very sad about that) I feel terrible laying his family breakup on top of everything else.

 

Worst of all, H tells the kids about these dinners and things and how he's going to make a nice evening for me and arranges for other parents to drive our son to soccer, for example. So they think everything is wonderful and dad's so romantic and aren't I lucky? I don't want to tell them the reality of him, because I want them to think their dad is great. I want them to love him and not be pissed off at him like I am. (I mean, they know about the fact that he doesn't bring any money home and that he used to have a big drinking problem, but they don't know about a lot of stuff.)

 

It just always is me holding everything together -- financially, emotionally, etc.

 

And you know what's pissing me off right now? A few years ago H "stole" our kids savings to "invest" in some stupid get-rich-quick scheme. He told the kids he was doing it and they didn't believe it was a smart idea but he basically didn't give them any choice, telling them they were going to make more money from it. Of course he lost it all -- about $5000 total. There's never even the thought of him paying it back, so finally I took it upon myself to start saving to get it back to them, putting it in an education savings plan (that's what they had originally been saving for -- from the time they were very very small).

 

So now H is feeling terrible that he didn't plan better and have money to send our oldest to school (I've saved enough for most of one school year, but that's it). I know what's going to happen. He's going to somehow come up with a thousand dollars and give it to our son and look like Mr. Wonderful, although he took all their money in the first place and has just barely started contributing to the household in order to try to keep me there. And I won't say anything because I don't want our son to think his dad's a slimeball.

[so_difficult]

Me again..

 

I just keep posting hoping for what ... Strength? Nerve? Resolve? I just don't get why I can't do this. I'm a very strong, responsible woman and have to make a lot of tough decisions that I just do. That's the way I am -- if something needs to be done I do it, period.

 

So why can't I do this?

 

Why am I letting him kiss me and tell me he loves me? He keeps asking all the time 'do you love me? Even a little bit?" and I don't say no, although I have told him before, I just say nothing. Why am I non-committal when he talks about the future? Why every day do I tell myself "today's the day" and have my speech all planned out and then say nothing???

 

I'm killing myself and probably him too. He's trying sooo hard and I'm just being what, passive-aggressive maybe?

[Alban]

I smell *******s here.. you are just talking about yourself but from what I've been reading is that your H loves you with all his heart, trying for you, and you can't barely look at him ? Don't you ever think about how long you have been with him, your old times, the happy moments that gave you the reason to marry him ?

 

 

I think you will regret it in time that you left him, mark my words.

You are old now, you will be alone and live like that the rest of your life .

[Steen719]

I smell *******s here.. you are just talking about yourself but from what I've been reading is that your H loves you with all his heart, trying for you, and you can't barely look at him ? Don't you ever think about how long you have been with him, your old times, the happy moments that gave you the reason to marry him ?

 

 

I think you will regret it in time that you left him, mark my words.

You are old now, you will be alone and live like that the rest of your life .

 

Not sure about this, but I wonder if you have ever had someone cheat on you. It does something to that love, those happy moments that you so cherish. Also, be mindful of who you are calling old. That is very rude.

[Steen719]

Me again..

 

I just keep posting hoping for what ... Strength? Nerve? Resolve? I just don't get why I can't do this. I'm a very strong, responsible woman and have to make a lot of tough decisions that I just do. That's the way I am -- if something needs to be done I do it, period.

 

So why can't I do this?

 

Why am I letting him kiss me and tell me he loves me? He keeps asking all the time 'do you love me? Even a little bit?" and I don't say no, although I have told him before, I just say nothing. Why am I non-committal when he talks about the future? Why every day do I tell myself "today's the day" and have my speech all planned out and then say nothing???

 

I'm killing myself and probably him too. He's trying sooo hard and I'm just being what, passive-aggressive maybe?

 

Well, crap, just lost a long post to you, so I will be more concise.

Go see a counselor and decide what you want. Many people have difficulty having the same feelings towards their spouse after infidelity and fiscal irresponsibility. It is hard to get those feelings back sometimes when you feel that what you thought you had was not at all what is really was.

 

Don't leave your home and your parents. No, no, no. If you decide after seeing a counselor, leaving is what you want to do, talk to the IC about how to talk to your kids, your parents and your H. Talk to your H about either moving or selling the house and see an attorney about what you need to do to proceed. Be aware that you may have to support him. If he doesn't make much, that might be what the court says. That might be (his lack of money) one of the reasons he doesn't want you to go. I think it was for my XH and even my son has said this. If you sell and you have to live in an apartment, it will be yours.

 

Be sure you do not want the marriage first and then move forward on one or the other. If you stay, see an IC and a MC to work through this. And do not worry about being old - good grief. You will be however old you would be in 1,5 or 10 years.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

[so_difficult]

I smell *******s here.. you are just talking about yourself but from what I've been reading is that your H loves you with all his heart, trying for you, and you can't barely look at him ? Don't you ever think about how long you have been with him, your old times, the happy moments that gave you the reason to marry him ?

 

 

I think you will regret it in time that you left him, mark my words.

You are old now, you will be alone and live like that the rest of your life .

 

Wow did you even read my story? And i'm old now? I beg to differ. I'm in the prime of life.

 

Of course i think of the happy times. I've been trying very hard to keep this marriage going for years despite his destructive behavior, and reminding myself of happy times was part of how i've managed. But you can only find out about lies and deceipt so many times before you lose faith. And love.

[so_difficult]

Well, crap, just lost a long post to you, so I will be more concise.

Go see a counselor and decide what you want. Many people have difficulty having the same feelings towards their spouse after infidelity and fiscal irresponsibility. It is hard to get those feelings back sometimes when you feel that what you thought you had was not at all what is really was.

 

Don't leave your home and your parents. No, no, no. If you decide after seeing a counselor, leaving is what you want to do, talk to the IC about how to talk to your kids, your parents and your H. Talk to your H about either moving or selling the house and see an attorney about what you need to do to proceed. Be aware that you may have to support him. If he doesn't make much, that might be what the court says. That might be (his lack of money) one of the reasons he doesn't want you to go. I think it was for my XH and even my son has said this. If you sell and you have to live in an apartment, it will be yours.

 

Be sure you do not want the marriage first and then move forward on one or the other. If you stay, see an IC and a MC to work through this. And do not worry about being old - good grief. You will be however old you would be in 1,5 or 10 years.

 

Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

 

 

Thank you. I'm sure my support of him, financially and otherwise, is a big part of why he doesn't want to lose me. I'll def. look into counseling.

[KatZee]

Not sure about this, but I wonder if you have ever had someone cheat on you. It does something to that love, those happy moments that you so cherish. Also, be mindful of who you are calling old. That is very rude.

 

Yeah seriously. Experience being cheated on and see what happens. I had my ex cheat on me. Sure we weren't together this long, and we never had kids, but I loved him with my whole heart. Would have done anything for him. Two years into us he confesses he cheated. I can't even tell you what that did to all that love I had invested. It evaporated it. Completely shriveled into a dusty ball and blew away. I hate him. I despised him. He was disgusting to me. That's what happens when someone cheats.

[so_difficult]

for many many years every single night as I lay beside him in bed I fantasized about murdering him. I don't too much anymore. I think I've moved past hating him ... Now I just feel pretty much nothing. BTW he knows that I fantasized this way and even makes jokes about it.

 

The day I found out what had been going on behind my back my whole world collapsed. I survived, but as a completely different person from who I had been ... Less naive, less innocent, tougher and more selfish, but also more devoted than ever to my kids, which helped make me stay all this time.