Sadwife37 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I have chosen reconciliation. It wasn't an easy choice but I do believe it is the right choice for me and my family. The background info - My husband's A lasted a total of 3 years. It started as friends, became flirty, turned sexual for a short time, them continued for about a year with phone/ email contact. There was no love and no intent to make this a real relationship. It was two married people carrying on behind their spous's backs for kicks. Flirty, fun, flattering, etc. I had suspected the A from day 1. I could feel the lies. I absolutely knew something was not right. My H lied and denied for three years. When I finally found out - by taking his iPhone and digging through everything, he ended it immediately. I can't even find words to describe the hurt this has caused. Most of you know this hurt. There has been NC since the day I found out. A NC email was sent and I have followed up with the OW on 3 occasions to ensure the A is 100% over. We have had MC and we both had IC. We have spent countless hours talking, crying, reading books, researching. Every question I have asked has been answered. I do believe my H is trying very hard. He tries to be totally transparent, I have full access to his phone/email, I have showed up at his office and searched Hhis computer/phone/office. I have a gps tracker on his phone and he keeps me very informed on his daily activities/location. He promises that if he ever sees her or if she calls or contacts him he will tell me. He says he has not seen her since D-day. After 7.5 months we still talk about this very frequently. I cry much less and have far less nightmares and mind movies, but they are all still there. I do think about HER much less. For several months I couldn't get her out of my mind. I certainly don't dwell on the OW as much, but the thought about my H and the deception and betrayal are still very much there. There are still moments where I feel I can hardly breathe thinking about what he did to me. I feel like I am doing everything I can to get past this. We went to Jamaica and renewed our vows on June 29. It was a very emotional experience for both of us. And I believe meaningful for both of us. For all of you BS who reconciled - how long did it take once there was truly NC and reconciliation started for you to feel good again? How long before you could look at you spouse and not feel the pain of betrayal? How did you get past the images? Somedays are pretty good and other days I see him climbing into her bed, holding her, lying to me right to my face. I'm sure somedays I feel as much hate for him as I do love. I know Frozensprouts spoke of having doubts after 3 years in one of her posts, and many people say 2-5 years. I have chosen to stay. I want more than anything to get past that horrible time and the unbearable pain. To smile and feel truly light, happy, and at ease again. To not be full of doubts, anger and suspician. How long did it take you to get that feeling back? Did it ever really come. I hope it did! And what helped you get there?
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 There are things I had to do as well to heal. I had to focus more on me and my happiness. I joined a gym, took art classes, started journaling and blogging my feelings, looked up old friends,etc. to make my life about me and my happiness. We had to have fun together to kill the resentment of all the fun and fantasy they had together while I worked three jobs. I lead a very full life now, one that expresses all of my interests, in addition to working and children (grown) and babysitting my grandson. We have date night and an occasional weekend away. Somewhere around 4.5 years, I turned a corner, and I am not sure why. It is a process and it differs for everyone. Another thing, holidays, traditions, etc, had to be reinvented in a brand new fashion for awhile, as he had texted her during most of them during his affair and I triggered horribly. I told him early on that my ability to reconcile would be three-fold: First, I would have to forgive the affair. Secondly --and much, much harder-- I had to forgive the daily lies to my face. We really could have separated while he explored his feelings for another, allowing me to do the same. Even my grown children told him this. Thirdly, and hardest for me, would be regaining respect for him. Is that your kicker too? For me, that took the longest and is, in fact, an ongoing process as I thought the sun rose and set on his shoulders. It may take a life time of effort on his part to maintain a feeling of respect for him.
SomedayDig Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 4 months out from my March 6th Dday. It has certainly been a rocky road, but both of us are glad to be where we are: In a place of truth. I still have issues with mistrust, even when she has been nothing but truthful. I think that's probably one of the harder things for her to deal with. Even when she's telling the truth, I follow up looking through emails or phone records. The good news is, I don't look at the cell bill every day. Heck, I probably look every couple weeks. Checking her emails and Facebook is the same. My wife's affair was 5 years long to the month. However, I had zero suspicion so, unlike your deal, mine was a complete and utter blindside. Pretty tough. All that said, with our constant communication and me seeing her tell the truth, I can say that the days are getting easier to let go of my fears.
frozensprouts Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I think it's normal to have doubts, and maybe you always will- I don't know. but I do think that those doubts would always be there, whether i was with him or someone else...I no longer believe in the notion of unconditional love in another simply because I can never now the thoughts of someone else, no matter how much I might want to. The only thoughts I know 100% are my own. The doubts I have aren't always there...most of the time, things are fine and I'm very happy. They tend to creep in if I'm unhappy about something else, or if I know he's unhappy. I will share one story with you that may ive you hope for the future... many years ago, a few years after the were first married, my dad had a very brief affair. He felt really bad about it, and confessed to my mom. They got counseling and he got individual counseling ( he'd had a very traumatic experience that led to a nervous breakdown of sorts and didn't deal with it well at all). He worked very hard to make things better for them, and got a lot of therapy for himself. They've been married over 50 years now, and both of them are very, very happy. They are in their 70's, but to see the way they act around each other sometimes is like watching a couple of newlyweds. They joke around, tease each other, and in the evenings sit curled up together on the couch and talk. They have been through so much together, and I know they love each other very, very much and are always thee for one another. It is possible to have that, even after an affair
Author Sadwife37 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Spark1111 - I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I believe I have forgiven the A. And I have also forgiven the OW, or am at least well on the way. But I have not forgiven the daily lies. He had so many opportunities to be honest with me. And I certainly have lost so much respect for him. I would never have believed this could happen. I thought so highly of my H. I was proud of him. I adored him. I thought I knew who he was and what he stood for. I trusted him completely. And my holidays, vacations, special places are all tainted. We purchased a cottage in Oct 2011 and he was texting/emailing her during our weekends there. Now I hate to go there. We made that huge financial investment almost 3 years into his A. Mind blowing that he would allow us to make that step while neck deep in an Affair. He called her from Florida and Las Vegas ( we were there celebrating our 10 yr anniversary) while we were vacationing. He texted/called her over Christmas. The way he has tainted all my great memories has destroyed so much. It is like nothing is really ours any more. I guess it is no wonder the pain lingers. It really impacts every aspect of our life together. I am starting to trust him more. I check up on him much less ofte and don't always assume he is lying. Mind you it wouldn't shock me if he was! But getting respect back is another thing. I am a long way from having that.
frozensprouts Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Spark1111 - I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I believe I have forgiven the A. And I have also forgiven the OW, or am at least well on the way. But I have not forgiven the daily lies. He had so many opportunities to be honest with me. And I certainly have lost so much respect for him. I would never have believed this could happen. I thought so highly of my H. I was proud of him. I adored him. I thought I knew who he was and what he stood for. I trusted him completely. And my holidays, vacations, special places are all tainted. We purchased a cottage in Oct 2011 and he was texting/emailing her during our weekends there. Now I hate to go there. We made that huge financial investment almost 3 years into his A. Mind blowing that he would allow us to make that step while neck deep in an Affair. He called her from Florida and Las Vegas ( we were there celebrating our 10 yr anniversary) while we were vacationing. He texted/called her over Christmas. The way he has tainted all my great memories has destroyed so much. It is like nothing is really ours any more. . this really is one of the areas where a couple of things can make a huge difference: ( a) time- sometimes time passes, painful memories soften and you can see things in a better light again (b) taking "your" places/ memories/things back...sometimes thing depends on sheer stubbornness and "force of will"- don't allow the affair to taint the places and memories that you love and are "yours"...don't be afarid to face them head on © work at creating new memories of the places and things you love, and new things too that will belong to your marriage alone. re-enforce those good memories...talk about them, enjoy them , laugh and be happy about them... think back to when you were newlyweds, and you and he were creating a whole set of memories that were"yours"...try looking at this as an opportunity to do that again
Author Sadwife37 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Thanks FS. That is a very positive and hopeful story. It is certainly what I am aiming for. And as a positive note about my H, he talks that way about us all the time. He sees my pain today and knows how much I am struggling and what I have chosen to go through by reconciling, but he always talks about us getting through these awful times so we can have a lifetime of the wonderful times we are meant to have. He says he will spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy and showing me that I am loved to make up for all the pain he has caused. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't have hope for getting to a place where we can be truly happy. Of course he should have thought of that three years ago before he made our world fall apart - I have told him that many times . Your post made me smile and feel positive. Thanks
GLDheart Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 The first time my Ex cheated it took 2 years before I realized I was pretty much over it. I was forever acutely (maybe hyper) sensitive to it after the fact though. I think that is why when she started the patterns again five years later, I knew it. There will be no more chances now. I'm done. Good luck in your healing process. This kind of stuff changes you forever.
beenburned Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Sadwife, You spoke of the huge financial investment your H made while in his affair. I have heard that lots of cheating spouses deliberately do things to ensure that it will be harder for their spouse to divorce them if they feel "trapped". Either by large marital debts or by having another child so the wife is more dependent on them. It blows my mind just thinking about how utterly selfish and self serving most of these cheating spouses are!
eleanorrigby Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I think I reconciled at the time mostly out of fear of the unknown and I think he stayed with me for the same reason. We have finally regained love and passion for each other and gotten the resentment down to manageable levels. It has taken us 10 years to get to this point. All the years in between were...not very good. I'm glad we held out and got where we are, but this is a journey I wish our marriage had not taken. Now that I'm on the other side I can see lessons learned, (and more we still have yet to learn *sigh*) but what a horrible detour into hell it was! I believe we could have shortened this process by years if one or ideally both of us had made the decision to stop hurting the other person.
Snowflower Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 (edited) Sadwife, You spoke of the huge financial investment your H made while in his affair. I have heard that lots of cheating spouses deliberately do things to ensure that it will be harder for their spouse to divorce them if they feel "trapped". Either by large marital debts or by having another child so the wife is more dependent on them. It blows my mind just thinking about how utterly selfish and self serving most of these cheating spouses are! This could be. ^^^^ But it could also be that the cheating spouse investing in a cabin was a way to convince himself that he was going to stay in the marriage for the long haul. That was my first impression when I read Sadwife's post. Ah-ha, he bought the cabin so that he could "prove" to himself that he wasn't going anwhere, this was a fun/special place for him, his wife and their family. It had nothing to do with his affair. Edited July 12, 2012 by Snowflower
giantfan Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 this really is one of the areas where a couple of things can make a huge difference: ( a) time- sometimes time passes, painful memories soften and you can see things in a better light again (b) taking "your" places/ memories/things back...sometimes thing depends on sheer stubbornness and "force of will"- don't allow the affair to taint the places and memories that you love and are "yours"...don't be afarid to face them head on © work at creating new memories of the places and things you love, and new things too that will belong to your marriage alone. re-enforce those good memories...talk about them, enjoy them , laugh and be happy about them... think back to when you were newlyweds, and you and he were creating a whole set of memories that were"yours"...try looking at this as an opportunity to do that again 2 years this week for me. I feel exactly the same way. The only thing that I can add is that I hate hearing and seeing all of her friends that knew about the A and were used as scapegoats.
irin Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 sorry i have no imput but your story brought tears to my eyes, sorry you felt so sad.
silktricks Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 It took about 5 years for me. It was a very rocky road, but is well behind us now. We talked about renewing our vows early on, but decided that we didn't want to, as our marriage, though it had taken a mighty blow was still very much intact. The hardest part for me was to relearn being able to trust him. I never was a person who looked upon another as a "knight in shining" anything, so I didn't have to go through the bother of trying to rebuild a pedestal, but trust was everything to me. I didn't do the gps thing, but did extract a few promises - primarily, of course, in regards to seeing/talking/emailing her and being truthful with me. I'm a check-up sort of person, so what I did the most of was rehash his "story" from all directions and ensure that nothing was out of place. The thing for me, though, was that if I had to go to onerous lengths to verify his veracity, that it was too much. I had to get to that trusting place again primarily by living our lives. Verifying my gut feelings by his actions. It took a long time for me, but we've been there for a number of years now. Reconciliation is tough but doable if the two of you have enough love and endurance. I wish the best for both of you. Silk 2
frozensprouts Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 reconciliation can be a tough road, and it's not the right thing for every couple. but if you feel it's what is right for you, don't let fear hold you back. It's hard, but accepting that the infidelity happened and that there is nothing that you can do that will change that is an important first step. You can't change what has happened, but you can change what will happen... take your power, your places, your relationship and your lives back...don't lose these to the affair
SoMovinOn Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 Actually, you can't change, or control, what will happen either.
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