kourix Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 i had my first ONS this past weekend - not proud of it, always pictured myself as a "good girl", until my last r/s 'broke' me. now i'm doing things i've never imagined i would. summary: went clubbing (first time in a long while). saw this really cute guy outside the club and i was totally gushing to my friends about him, but he didn't see me, thought nothing of it. in the club, about an hour later, my gfs and i were dancing and he was there. i've always been really, really shy so i would never approach a guy. i was high and happy so i just kept dancing and somehow, he came over to dance with me. alcohol is my liquid courage, plus my friends ditched me (to give me some space, they would later say), so i wound up dancing with him for like 2-3hours straight, without saying a word. we just danced, looked at each other, smiled and made out - kinda weird huh? i didn't wanna speak because i was too shy, so i just kept dancing and smiling. after a few hours,the music slowed and he said "wanna go outside?" so i agreed. we talked for abit, he was from germany, and he's been here about a month. he'll be here for three years on contract. so we somehow keep talking and i ended up at his place. we talked for abit more and then he just kissed me again and we ended up sleeping together. i didn't plan on it, but it just happened. i don't know. so anyway we fell asleep cuddling, and next morning, i woke up pretty abruptly and i said to him, sorry got to go, i have to get to work. (it was a sat morning but i wasn't lying - i work in events). now, the sad thing is, he didn't ask for my number the whole time, even as i was leaving. when i danced with him, i didn't want anything more. but the thing is, we slept together, and we talked, yet he didn't even ask my number - he didn't even ask for my name! he told me his when i asked, and when i told him to guess mine, he said URUGUAY and it just stuck. i felt so used. i enjoyed the time we spent dancing and cuddling, but really? not even a meek attempt to keep in touch? i know, ONS are supposed to be just that, you sleep together and move on the next day, but i was talking to a guy friend and he sleeps around alot. he told me no matter who he slept with, he would always get their number - keeping in touch is another thing - unless the girl is really unattractive and he regrets it the next morning (though that's never happened to him before) - and that made me feel terrible! i don't think i'm unattractive... so anyway as i was leaving his hotel (staying in one till he moves end of the month), i decide what the heck i have nothing to lose since he's a stranger, so i left him a note - a corny one. i figured he could choose to ignore it and i wouldn't tell anyone anyway. basically i said i had fun last night, and in case he was interested, here's my number, so call me maybe! (hahaha) i didn't have much hope, but he messaged me the next morning, saying he had fun and we should stay in touch. then we exchanged just a few short messages and i haven't heard from him since. it's only been a day - but i'm just wondering, am i being dumb? isn't it obvious that he's not interested and anything i do now would just seem pathetic and desperate? i don't know what i want with him, but i would like to see him again, i could even bring him about the city - but i have a feeling he just felt bad so he gave me a courtesy text... and we'll probably never speak again. i want to ask him out sometime in the future, but does that turn a guy off when he's made it so clear he didn't even care about talking to me ever again? i want to "play hard to get" and not come off too easy - my ex just told me the reason he didnt want me was because i posed no challenge - but if i do text this guy and ask him out, i'm gonna look sad, right? also - why didn't he ask for my number? is it really true that it's because i'm unattractive? if other guys can have ONS and ask for girls' number, why did my first ONS turn out to be so mean? it feels like personal rejection.
Philosoraptor Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 First you're building attachment off of a one night stand. I doubt you'll find anything substantial here with someone who didn't even ask your name. Second, don't let something your ex said during a breakup change who you are. If you don't want to play games then don't do so. Just be yourself and you'll have the best chance at finding a good match. Find someone you like just the way they are who also likes you just the way you are. It's the best way to find a happy relationship. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 So getting drunk, high, dancing in a club with a random stranger with music about to bust your ear drums and you end up going for home on a ONS (good friends btw) and now you think this will lead to true romance? Look, there's nothing wrong with you spreading your wings (legs) but I mean c'mon...you've got to know better than to think the chances of this turning into something like the "Notebook" are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from reality. This guy is here on a contract, was looking to bed a nice girl...mission accomplished...he got laid, maybe he'll got another next weekend. He didn't ask you for your number or name because he could care less...plus I'm not sure what country you're from but casual sex is casual sex in some countries, not "I hope this will lead to something"...he probably just figured this is what it is so why pretend it was something more...and really, do you really think you know this guy or could really have any feelings? your heart is playing tricks on you, it's not what you think it was, you don't know this guy. As part of you being ugly or not, who knows really...we can't see your picture but it's irrelevant, that's your own insecurity. Some guys will keep in touch to keep the booty call line open and other times they'll drop you...maybe just because that's what they felt like that day...the average insensitive guy doesn't put all that much thought into it, especially when this is how things have developed. You can't play hard to get then leave a cheesy message/note with your number so that other person will call you....mission was failed, you obviously like the guy for whatever reason...but he's not interested because he doesn't pursue you for him....there's no playing hard to get in that situation, you showed your cards, he obliged with a more than likely polite message but I doubt he's looking for someone to settle into a relationship with so I think at best he might contact you randomly in the future...unless he was looking for someone he might be able to shack up with during his stay but it doesn't appear to be on his agenda since he doesn't really need you for that...he can be single and just enjoy the "country" (women). I think this is a shocking experience for you, especially since it's not the norm for you...but you put yourself in this situation and you let yourself be typical here...so this is what happens when you do it. Don't be all insecure about it though, I think that's the saddest part of your entire post for me, you think you did something wrong because you had casual sex and it didn't turn into something more, which is ridiculous...that's what casual sex is!
Algermas Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 So getting drunk, high, dancing in a club with a random stranger with music about to bust your ear drums and you end up going for home on a ONS (good friends btw) and now you think this will lead to true romance? Look, there's nothing wrong with you spreading your wings (legs) but I mean c'mon...you've got to know better than to think the chances of this turning into something like the "Notebook" are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar from reality. This guy is here on a contract, was looking to bed a nice girl...mission accomplished...he got laid, maybe he'll got another next weekend. He didn't ask you for your number or name because he could care less...plus I'm not sure what country you're from but casual sex is casual sex in some countries, not "I hope this will lead to something"...he probably just figured this is what it is so why pretend it was something more...and really, do you really think you know this guy or could really have any feelings? your heart is playing tricks on you, it's not what you think it was, you don't know this guy. As part of you being ugly or not, who knows really...we can't see your picture but it's irrelevant, that's your own insecurity. Some guys will keep in touch to keep the booty call line open and other times they'll drop you...maybe just because that's what they felt like that day...the average insensitive guy doesn't put all that much thought into it, especially when this is how things have developed. You can't play hard to get then leave a cheesy message/note with your number so that other person will call you....mission was failed, you obviously like the guy for whatever reason...but he's not interested because he doesn't pursue you for him....there's no playing hard to get in that situation, you showed your cards, he obliged with a more than likely polite message but I doubt he's looking for someone to settle into a relationship with so I think at best he might contact you randomly in the future...unless he was looking for someone he might be able to shack up with during his stay but it doesn't appear to be on his agenda since he doesn't really need you for that...he can be single and just enjoy the "country" (women). I think this is a shocking experience for you, especially since it's not the norm for you...but you put yourself in this situation and you let yourself be typical here...so this is what happens when you do it. Don't be all insecure about it though, I think that's the saddest part of your entire post for me, you think you did something wrong because you had casual sex and it didn't turn into something more, which is ridiculous...that's what casual sex is! Most women from the US aren't capable of no strings attached sex, your puritanical culture makes it so they need to attach significance to it at all costs.
TigerCub Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Hey Kourix, Its obvious that you can't have unattached sex. A ONS or a FWB deal can only be really done if you can totally take em or leave em. You slept with this stranger and now you're hoping that it will lead to more and that he will like you and blah blah - that's not what he signed up for when he took you home, so don't expect it. You say you want to play hard to get with this guy, I'm sorry, but its kinda late for that. As far as what your friend said about getting the girl's number - what's the point really? Would you rather this guy take your number and never call you - and then you'd be left wondering the same question. I think this guy will probably call on you again - but it will be for a booty call - then you really have to decide, can you have unattached sex and be fine with it when its over. If you can't, do yourself a favor and don't do anything with him hoping that it will lead to a more meaningful relationship. There is nothing wrong with ONS, and there is also nothing wrong with knowing that you're likely to get attached to a person and therefore choosing not to go that route - the key is to really know yourself. Good luck. 2
MrCastle Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 i want to "play hard to get" and not come off too easy. With all due respect, it's a little too late for that. Playing hard to get only works before you sleep with someone. Not after. You slept with this guy within hours of knowing him; playing hard to get is no longer an option. My guess is since this is your first ONS you feel used/easy and you want to make up for that by getting more out of this, so that it's not a one night stand, but something romantic, and magical. I would just move on. The ball is in his court. If he wants to message you; he will, but understand you've already given up what he was after, I highly doubt he'll message you to get you know you better/date you. More than likely, he'll only keep in touch to get another bang out of you.
thatone Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 so you lied to him about why you were leaving so soon, not giving him an opportunity to ask you for any contact info. wouldn't even give your name when he asked you what it was, and when he did contact you via the number you left him, you persisted in being paranoid about the whole deal and the best thing you can come up with is "i'm not hot enough" and "i want him to chase me" after you already had sex with the guy. you know when guys talk about their psycho ex? that's you.
skyisfalling Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 kourix, dont' be so hard on yourself- life is all a learning experience. I was in a VERY similar predicament last week, literally throwing myself over a guy after getting drunk for some validation and even tho we didn't sleep together I felt pretty ****ty afterwards for acting like that. Right now, you are in a very vulnerable position, having just gotten out of a relationship. Take the time to love yourself, and work on yourself, as much as the feeling of loneliness sucks, I think for right now, this is what you need. You're probably feeling really empty and void and trying to fill that hole with external validation is only going to make you more depressed and sad. We all went through our period of lows, and take this as a life lesson you learned. I know when the situation arises again, I'm sure you'll know what NOT to do since you've already gone through this. Be strong and keep your head up because right now, the only person who can look after yourself is you. take the time to love yourself and appreciate how beautiful you are. Let me know if you want someone to talk to, the forum is here for you
Author kourix Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 i'm sorry if i've bothered anyone, i know this all sounds really stupid, and perhaps it's just because i've watched too many movies/tv shows where people can have a ONS and have it turn into something more, and i'm hoping my life takes a change. i've just always had this fear of being rejected, and never feeling "good enough" for a guy. and to have my first ONS end like this, when everyone's always saying that they would at least get the girl's number, and might even ask them out again sometimes - it just made me feel even worse about myself. i know the playing hard to get part is obviously over. i just wanted it to be like the movies - you see the girl in daylight one day and realise, hey she's actually a nice person blah blah - but i know life doesn't work that way. off topic but, --- i just find it difficult to deal with men. my ex just told me that when he first met me, he thought i was attractive, had a great personality, and a good sense of humour. he liked me - up till the point when he thought i was "too easy to get". but i'm just that kind of a person who hates playing games. i'll show it if i like you, but it seems to be a running theme in everyone i date - they all like women who play hard to get, once they know i'm interested, they start losing interest. but it goes against my nature and i'm just feeling crappy overall i guess. i know i'm not a ONS/FWB kind of person, i was just lying to myself thinking otherwise.
Bristolius Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Maybe the only thing wrong with you is that you're worried there is something wrong with you.
stillafool Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 OP, why are you being so hard on yourself? You weren't taken over by some alien who made you sleep with this guy were you? You did it because you obviously wanted the sex as bad as he did and that's why you fell into his bed. You both got what you wanted when it happened. Don't try to be innocent if you're not. You were aware of your actions and now the consequences. If you really do want a bf be yourself, whoever that is, and not base your experience on movie characters.
venusianx13 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You sound young... I have been hurt over a ONS before (admittedly, I've had a couple). This guy doesn't actually sound mean, though. You probably left him a bit bewildered at how abruptly you left. The fact that he messaged you is a good sign and indicates that he's open to keeping a line of communication open with you. However, ONS's rarely lead to much. The few I experienced never amounted to any kind of real relationship. I never thought I was that kind of girl, either, mind you. Looking back, I have a little bit of shame, but I learned from those things. They made me wiser. Try to see it that way, and if you like this guy, keep it light for now. Give him some time to come around, and if he doesn't, don't waste your time pining over him. From experience, I can tell you the biggest regrets I have are not over the experiences I had with men, but the amount of time I wasted trying to mold the situation into something it just wasn't meant to be.
Author kourix Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 OP, why are you being so hard on yourself? You weren't taken over by some alien who made you sleep with this guy were you? You did it because you obviously wanted the sex as bad as he did and that's why you fell into his bed. You both got what you wanted when it happened. Don't try to be innocent if you're not. You were aware of your actions and now the consequences. If you really do want a bf be yourself, whoever that is, and not base your experience on movie characters. i wasn't taken over by some alien, of course not. it's just that the whole night while i was dancing with this guy, i was thinking about my ex. even when we went to his place, i thought about my ex. a part of me wanted to prove him wrong, that i wasn't that "good girl" he kept thinking/saying i was. a part of me hated him for not wanting me and yet constantly comparing me to other girls and saying i was better than them, and yet, still somehow not good enough for him coz' i was no challenge. i know it's all very dumb, because in the end he doesn't even know what happened, and the only one affected is me, but i'm just... angry i guess? and alcohol does not help in the thinking process. i was definitely attracted to the guy in the club, i'll admit, but i didn't go to the club looking for sex, nor was i intending to have sex. i even forgot to shave my legs before i left the house, as vulgar as that sounds - but seriously, no intentions AT ALL. it was just supposed to be a night of dancing with my gfs. as for wanting to have sex, i have previously ended up at a friend of a friend's place, but i didn't have sex with him, because i didn't want to - i only wanted to know him better (but yeah obviousl he got upset). this time, i felt like i was obliged to, because i rem my ex telling me, never go to a guy's place if you're not gonna sleep with him that's just being a b#&$ch. that said, i wouldn't say i regret the experience, it's just that i feel very much rejected by yet another guy. to be honest, my ex has a very strange control over me - everything he says goes through my head. i know it's pathetic - i just can't help it.
Author kourix Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 i think i've just reached a breaking point in relationships and i've pretty much gone crazy, too much damage.
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