Lonely Ronin Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Friday night I was out with a bunch of friends, and towards the end of the evening, I noticed an attractive women standing at the bar with a few of her friends. One of my friends wives noticed me checking her out, and said I should go over and talk to her. I said I wasn't going to, because she was with her friends, & I hadn't seen any signs of her being interested in me. By this point everyone in my group had picked up on the conversation and decided to pile on me. Essentially everyone thinks I should be much more aggressive than I am. Both men & women agreed if I see a woman I like, I should try to talk with her regardless of circumstance. In other words be that guy that hits on ever woman I find attractive. My one female friend, went as far as saying I should adopt the "spray and pray" approach. I have two problems with this concept. One, it's not in my personality to be that guy. I'm an Alpha in pretty much every other aspect of life, but when it comes to social interactions and dating I'm not. When it comes to meeting women, I'm much more reserved and play the wait and see game. If I notice a woman and I see the right signs, and an appropriate opportunity presents it's self, I'll try and talk with her. Secondly, I don't think I'm doing that bad. I'm not doing as well as I'd like, but who is? I've dated 4 women so far this year, and I think that's decent. Whats with all the pier pressure? I mean Honestly, whats wrong with waiting for the right opportunity to present it's self?
USMCHokie Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Whats with all the pier pressure? I mean Honestly, whats wrong with waiting for the right opportunity to present it's self? It implies that you are externally driven. And it's also a cop out to mask your fear of rejection. You make your own opportunities. There's nothing necessarily wrong with your approach, but it suggests that you are a people pleaser. You don't go after what you want, but what other people want. Case in point, you wait for "signals" of interest from other women. So you act on their interest and not your own. It pretty much makes you a pawn in this world. But if you're good looking enough to just play the sit and wait game, then all the power to you.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 You don't go after what you want, but what other people want. Case in point, you wait for "signals" of interest from other women. So you act on their interest and not your own. I don't understand this point, I don't go after a women just because she shows interest in me. hell if that was the case I know a women I could be dating right now. Most of my friends say I'm high maintenance and picky as hell. I go after women who I find attractive & interesting, and seem interested in me. I think several of my ex's would also disagree with you about the people please thing as well. Once i've decided something I'm pretty much unstoppable or immovable depending on the situation.
USMCHokie Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I don't understand this point, I don't go after a women just because she shows interest in me. hell if that was the case I know a women I could be dating right now. Most of my friends say I'm high maintenance and picky as hell. I go after women who I find attractive & interesting, and seem interested in me. I think several of my ex's would also disagree with you about the people please thing as well. Once i've decided something I'm pretty much unstoppable or immovable depending on the situation. I said I wasn't going to...& I hadn't seen any signs of her being interested in me. Note the quote from your first post above. The limiting factor of your approach is her interest in you. Let me clarify. It's not that you approach because she's interested in you. You approach only if she's interested in you. It's a very important distinction. So you could be head over heels in love with this girl, but according to you, you won't approach unless she shows interest. That is what I mean. You act on their interest and not your own. Their interest is your starting gunshot; it should be yours.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 So you agree with my friends then, chase regardless of the fact that it could end up being a fruitless endeavor? Lol, have I mentioned I hate wasting time.
iris219 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Yes, you should have approached her. What’s there to lose? I don’t advocate approaching every random woman you see, but I agree with your friends for the most part. If she’s listening to her iPod and avoiding eye contact, there’s no reason to interrupt her. But in a bar/club/party, it’s acceptable to approach women. She may not have been giving you signals because she didn’t see you. Make yourself seen! Go over, say hi, and introduce yourself. If she’s interested, she’ll respond favorably. If not, walk away. No big deal. How much time did you waste? Two minutes? (It might be you that isn’t interested once you talk to her, and that’s OK. No one owes anyone anything at this point.) Is that you in the pic, btw? If so, you shouldn’t have much trouble finding women who are interested in you.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 She may not have been giving you signals because she didn’t see you. Make yourself seen! This I do pretty much all the time. Some times it's just walking up to the bar next to the woman in question and ordering another drink and looking her way. At a restaurant, I might ask if I can steal a menu from her table etc. Go over, say hi, and introduce yourself. I only do this if I get a favorable response from the above. What my friends seemed to be advocating was jumping directly to this. Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but this seems presumptuous and borderline rude. Is that you in the pic, btw? If so, you shouldn’t have much trouble finding women who are interested in you. Yea, that's me. It's a recent photo of me but I don't really like it (I dislike having my picture taken in general).
iris219 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 This I do pretty much all the time. Some times it's just walking up to the bar next to the woman in question and ordering another drink and looking her way. At a restaurant, I might ask if I can steal a menu from her table etc. If a guy asked me if he could “steal a menu,” I’d think he needed a menu. What you’re doing will only elicit a neutral response. You're missing out on a lot of opportunities by hoping for a favorable response when you aren't really doing anything that warrants a favorable response. only do this if I get a favorable response from the above. What my friends seemed to be advocating was jumping directly to this. Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but this seems presumptuous and borderline rude. Yea, that's me. It's a recent photo of me but I don't really like it (I dislike having my picture taken in general). It’s not rude or intrusive to say, “Hi. How are you?” I wish more guys did this. Most single women would be flattered to have you approach.
ScreamingTrees Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Note the quote from your first post above. The limiting factor of your approach is her interest in you. Let me clarify. It's not that you approach because she's interested in you. You approach only if she's interested in you. It's a very important distinction. So you could be head over heels in love with this girl, but according to you, you won't approach unless she shows interest. That is what I mean. You act on their interest and not your own. Their interest is your starting gunshot; it should be yours. Why would he be in love with a girl he doesn't know and hasn't yet approached to even converse with, hypothetically? Isn't the whole because/if thing basically the same thing? Why approach someone if she's not interested? That person would be asking for conflict, as if they have to prove themselves to that particular person. There are plenty of other females out there. I do agree with you that it isn't productive or necessary to wait for signs of interest in the appropriate social setting, but I'm not sure if OP is the type to not go after what he wants.. EDIT: OP, your appearance is certainly not the issue here. I'd say you have a leg up on a lot of other guys. Edited July 9, 2012 by ScreamingTrees
Joaquin Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) I talk to girls when I'm out when I feel like it. A lot of when i do it has to do with my mood and the surrounds. Some places are very conducive to talking to new people, others not so. I genuinely like being out and about so I'm also quite happy just being with friends talking rubbish, checking people out etc. But like you I don't like when people goad me into stuff and it can put me off my stride. The naturalness is gone and it's like I'm being somehow told what to do, which I don't like. Usually the married people who seem to need the entertainment on the night out. Well actually I don't mind because i see it as all harmless. Edited July 9, 2012 by Joaquin
jobaba Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Whats with all the pier pressure? I mean Honestly, whats wrong with waiting for the right opportunity to present it's self? Nothing. If you can afford to wait for something to come along, then by all means do it. A lot of women have told me something to the effect of the right man will "pop up when they least expect it." Of course, some people don't have that luxury. They need to go through a lot of people and face rejection. I agree with Iris, you're a good looking guy. You can wait probably wait.
Leopard Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 You can't wait for an opportunity, you have to make one. If you wait for an opportunity then you might as well become celibate.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Why would he be in love with a girl he doesn't know and hasn't yet approached to even converse with, hypothetically?This is a good question & point. I don't care how attractive a woman is, it's going to take a lot more than physical attraction to make me fall in love. Why approach someone if she's not interested? That person would be asking for conflict, as if they have to prove themselves to that particular person. There are plenty of other females out there. I agree with this completely. I don't see dating as a contest, or a given woman as a prize to be won. If she isn't mutually interested, or expects a lot of jumping through hoops, I'll move on rather quickly. You can't wait for an opportunity, you have to make one. what do you consider making an opportunity?
funlady Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 This I do pretty much all the time. Some times it's just walking up to the bar next to the woman in question and ordering another drink and looking her way. At a restaurant, I might ask if I can steal a menu from her table etc. That would definitely get my attention.
Leopard Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 what do you consider making an opportunity? Not waiting for her to basically hold a sign over her head that says "Come over" but approaching her regardless what she is doing.
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