Girlboots Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Well, I have two great parents. They love me very much, they've given me anything I ever wanted, and I have great uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. But, I could never find baby pictures! Just from age 2 and up. Never found it weird, my parents always said they couldn't afford a camera, good enough for me...but I was filling out an application for college (I know, I'm starting late), and I was looking for documents, and I found out I was adopted. I did not believe it at first. maybe it was an error? Oh well...I just am in shock for a day. Still..I didn't believe it. I decided to go back to the box...carefully hidden in the attic, all the way at the top, covered with old clothes and dust. I only found it because I was specifically looking for a box. I never bothered to look in that attic, and my mother can hear when I go up there and she usually tells me to not go up there because I can get asthma. Pictures of my birth mother and more documents verifying my adoption were in the box. These items were under stacks of useless papers and old bills.. Well, I just break down crying. I don't know why. I just felt like a stranger in my own home. I felt like an outsider. I was overwhelmed. This was yesterday. My mother and father have noticed me acting strange tonight. I didn't hug them or kiss them goodnight and I feel like a stranger. Right now I don't know if I should approach them? I feel like they didnt want me to know. I don't want our relationship to change. As far as they are concerned, they think I think they're my parents. How will they act once they find out I know? I just feel like telling them I know will make them unhappy because they probably wanted me to find out another way. but I want answers. What to do? Edited July 9, 2012 by Girlboots
Radu Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I don't think they didn't want you to know, it's very hard to keep this kind of stuff hidden for the rest of your natural life. They probably didn't know how to tell you either. As for the rest, all of your memories are of them, they were there when you chipped your tooth, when you went to your first day of school, when you went on hollidays you went with them, etc ... They might not be your natural mother and father but they are your mom and dad, the ppl who raised you and who where there for 20yrs. Do you think that you were a strategic investment into their own futures ? Do you think that they spent 20yrs worrying about you and your future because they were bored ? NO, they loved being a family with you. Why don't you go, sit them down and talk with them ... with your parents. 5
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 My mother and father have noticed me acting strange tonight. I didn't hug them or kiss them goodnight and I feel like a stranger. Right now I don't know if I should approach them? I feel like they didnt want me to know. I don't want our relationship to change. As far as they are concerned, they think I think they're my parents. How will they act once they find out I know? I just feel like telling them I know will make them unhappy because they probably wanted me to find out another way. but I want answers. What to do? First of all, you are thinking way too many moves ahead. This is not about what your adoptive parents will think once they know you know. What is most critical at this point is taking care of your own psychology in the present. How do YOU feel? Do YOU need to express yourself??? Etc. We can all tell that they have known for years that YOU were adopted. Now, suddenly, the parameters have been altered, and YOU are the only one who knows they have been altered. Your emotional (self-)preservation is everybody's number one interest in this, so rather than live a very challenging life wherein you find yourself "keeping it a secret that you know they are keeping it a secret that YOU were adopted", what say you do the best thing for your own mind in the present? Tell them what you discovered, and be honest while they do the same. It is neither 'right' nor 'wrong' that you now have this information, so just establish your new 'place' in life and let those closest to you know and understand just where you ARE.
pink_sugar Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I always thought most parents tell their kids about their adoption at a young age. I can understand your frustration, I think I'd be pretty upset too if someone kept an adoption from me that long. Parents should be honest and open with their kids at an early age that way they have an easier time adjusting to the facts. You being adopted doesn't change anything, but it's a major deal when you've known them for so long as your biological parents. 1
scatterd Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Your parents chose you because you are special. Allot of people have parents that don't show love.You was picked they don't know how to tell you and probably does not want you to feel the way you do. They are your real parents they raised you let them know. It will not change the way they feel or how you feel. Don't be sad your loved big time.
darkmoon Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) adoptees (me) can feel like OP I think she needs to talk to her adoptive parents - - just say what you told us and express yourself, non-adopteds can even script the scenario, even when the adoptee is an adult, but adoptees have an instant understanding, say what you need to say to your family OP, you'll be alright, you know they love you, just say what you told us. Edited July 9, 2012 by darkmoon 2
2sure Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 When I was young and unprepared, I gave a daughter up for adoption. I met the couple and we chose each other. They wanted an open type of relationship and I thought it best we not stay in contact until the child was grown. She always knew she was adopted, knew my name, things like that. We met a couple of years ago...she is now an adult...we visit and stay in touch. my daughter and she are getting close. She is like a part of our extended family. I don't feel like her mother, she has a mother. She does not feel like we are her long lost family. She has a family. Her adoptive parents do not feel threatened by our relationship...but it took them awhile, even though they thought originally it should be an open adoption. They probably always wanted to tell you...and time slipped away. They can't stand the thought of your feeling betrayed by them, or...gotta ask. 1
sally4sara Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 They ARE your parents. They do know you and have for many many years. They know you as a parent knows their kid. They so wanted you, and thought of you as their own child, wanting you to know them as your real parents because that is how you were loved and raised. Once you were in their lives, what happened before that didn't matter to you or them. You were given warmth and love and it doesn't disappear with this discovery. Tell them you know. All you need concerning this is information about you medical history. The rest is stuff that didn't happen because a couple wanted to raise a child in love together. 1
2sure Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Tell them you know. All you need concerning this is information about you medical history. The rest is stuff that didn't happen because a couple wanted to raise a child in love together. The rest of the stuff DID happen, and that's ok, it's a part of every adoptee. Keeping it a secret, like most secrets, makes one feel left out or like something is wrong...and that's valid. It might be that OP chooses to go no further or for some reason is unable....but it all happened and that's ok and it's valid. 1
sally4sara Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 The rest of the stuff DID happen, and that's ok, it's a part of every adoptee. Keeping it a secret, like most secrets, makes one feel left out or like something is wrong...and that's valid. It might be that OP chooses to go no further or for some reason is unable....but it all happened and that's ok and it's valid. I'm talking about the childhood she didn't have because she wasn't being raised by people who didn't feel ready to be parents.
MuscleCarFan Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 My mother and father have noticed me acting strange tonight. I didn't hug them or kiss them goodnight and I feel like a stranger. Right now I don't know if I should approach them? I feel like they didnt want me to know. I don't want our relationship to change. As far as they are concerned, they think I think they're my parents. How will they act once they find out I know? I just feel like telling them I know will make them unhappy because they probably wanted me to find out another way. but I want answers. What to do? Even though you are adopted, your parents love you very much and will always think of you as their daughter even if you are not biologically theirs. I would just bring up the subject of adoption and all the questions you have swimming through your head.
pink_sugar Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 When I was young and unprepared, I gave a daughter up for adoption. I met the couple and we chose each other. They wanted an open type of relationship and I thought it best we not stay in contact until the child was grown. She always knew she was adopted, knew my name, things like that. We met a couple of years ago...she is now an adult...we visit and stay in touch. my daughter and she are getting close. She is like a part of our extended family. I don't feel like her mother, she has a mother. She does not feel like we are her long lost family. She has a family. Her adoptive parents do not feel threatened by our relationship...but it took them awhile, even though they thought originally it should be an open adoption. They probably always wanted to tell you...and time slipped away. They can't stand the thought of your feeling betrayed by them, or...gotta ask. 2sure I'm glad you told us your story. I've actually been wondering why my H's mom was never "motherly" to him. But it makes sense now. She was 20 when she had him and his father raised him most of his life until he passed away, in which my H was forced to live with his mother and stepfather whom he wasn't close to. He did see his mom twice a month, but she was never really motherly to him. So I can see how this happens, especially if you give a child up for adoption.
2sure Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm talking about the childhood she didn't have because she wasn't being raised by people who didn't feel ready to be parents. Gotcha. And agreed.
Author Girlboots Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Well, I read your responses and thought hard about it. They do love me. I still don't feel like I want to tell them I know. I feel like they hid it from me for a reason, and I don't feel like I want to dig further into this. I'm happy with my life, and I don't want to cause chaos. I've still been keeping to myself and not really speaking to them, but I always withdraw from people when I'm feeling upset, and I guess they understand. My mother came into the room today and asked if everything was ok, I said I'm ok and she said "Ok, I love you" and I said it back and cried after she left. I just felt so happy that they loved me and I didn't feel weird anymore. It will be kind of awkward acting like I don't know and I feel like I'm "playing along" but I dont know...I just wish I never found out that way. 3
The_Reginald Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Honestly I think you have every right to be angry if not outraged they kept it a secret. But that said let me tell you from experience being blood related does not mean anything AT ALL. My parents are my biological ones and my relationship with them is awful. If I could have chosen to be adopted instead of being brought up by my parents I would have. So consider yourself lucky you actually have mutual feelings of love with your parents even if they aren't your biological ones. 2
firemanq Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 I did not notice anyone telling us, except darkmoon, if they were or were not adopted. I and my 2 siblings were adopted. Mom was divorced, a sin 60 years ago. She met Dad, and he adopted the 3 of us. He was a great Father, not perfect but he did love us, he cared for us, he worked long hours for us and made sure we were taken care of. Later, 3 more were born to the marriege. As far as he was concerned, there were 6 kids, all of us were his. When you were adopted, you were chosen. The did not have to accept you, but they did. That means you are special, and very lucky. Why they did not tell you is a question you need to ask them. They may have meant to tell you, but never felt the time was right. They may have felt you would have rejected them. I obviously have no more idea than you do, but ask them. 1
3DRocks Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 I think that anyone can be a mother/father, that's just biology. It takes love and commitment to be a parent. I'd agree that being adopted makes you well loved. I'd definately talk to your parents. You may learn why they didn't tell you (their own fear of rejection, who knows). A secret has a way of rotting on things like this. Just wait till you both have time to sit down and talk and not get interrupted.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well, I have two great parents. They love me very much, they've given me anything I ever wanted, and I have great uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. But, I could never find baby pictures! Just from age 2 and up. Never found it weird, my parents always said they couldn't afford a camera, good enough for me...but I was filling out an application for college (I know, I'm starting late), and I was looking for documents, and I found out I was adopted. I did not believe it at first. maybe it was an error? Oh well...I just am in shock for a day. Still..I didn't believe it. I decided to go back to the box...carefully hidden in the attic, all the way at the top, covered with old clothes and dust. I only found it because I was specifically looking for a box. I never bothered to look in that attic, and my mother can hear when I go up there and she usually tells me to not go up there because I can get asthma. Pictures of my birth mother and more documents verifying my adoption were in the box. These items were under stacks of useless papers and old bills.. Well, I just break down crying. I don't know why. I just felt like a stranger in my own home. I felt like an outsider. I was overwhelmed. This was yesterday. My mother and father have noticed me acting strange tonight. I didn't hug them or kiss them goodnight and I feel like a stranger. Right now I don't know if I should approach them? I feel like they didnt want me to know. I don't want our relationship to change. As far as they are concerned, they think I think they're my parents. How will they act once they find out I know? I just feel like telling them I know will make them unhappy because they probably wanted me to find out another way. but I want answers. What to do? They should have told you the truth a long time ago. I assume that they were scared to tell you - Incase one day you chose to go look for your birth parents, and maybe leave them to be with your blood parents.. I will read the rest of your thread before replying more. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well, I read your responses and thought hard about it. They do love me. I still don't feel like I want to tell them I know. I feel like they hid it from me for a reason, and I don't feel like I want to dig further into this. I'm happy with my life, and I don't want to cause chaos. I've still been keeping to myself and not really speaking to them, but I always withdraw from people when I'm feeling upset, and I guess they understand. My mother came into the room today and asked if everything was ok, I said I'm ok and she said "Ok, I love you" and I said it back and cried after she left. I just felt so happy that they loved me and I didn't feel weird anymore. It will be kind of awkward acting like I don't know and I feel like I'm "playing along" but I dont know...I just wish I never found out that way. I think you should just be honest and tell them what you said here. Make sure they know you love them, aren't going to leave them, but you do want to know about your birth parents and you hope they respect that it's something you need to know about. If you don't talk about it, it'll eat you up and you'll feel weird and uncomfortable. This doesn't have to turn into a fight or arguement - Just pure honesty and they owe you that.
FitChick Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Even if you decide not to look for the bio mom, you have to be prepared in case she contacts you. At the very least you should get all the medical information you can about family health. I had a friend who was adopted and I always envied her. Her parents doted on her, she had the best clothes and toys, they went to Disneyland, etc. I had a horrible mother.
pink_sugar Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I agree. I know my H's mother never was a good mother to him. She had him at a young age and his father raised him until he passed away and he had to move in with her at 16. IMO she should have relinquished her rights if she couldn't raise him. She made minimal effort and only supported him financially, never emotionally there and still isn't. Biology doesn't always matter.
quankanne Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 hugs to you, Girlboots, that's a huge thing to have discovered ... and I'm wondering if your folks weren't sure how to raise the subject with you, or when a good time would be, so they shelved it for a later date and in the meantime just loved you in a way that only they could. Maybe hoping this would give them a chance to figure it out? put it aside for the meantime, and when you feel strong/comfortable enough to approach the subject, don't hesitate to ask. As I said earlier, they just might not have known how to tell you ... it doesn't matter how long it takes for you to raise the question, because only you can decide when that time's right. But for your sake, seriously consider asking them while they're still alive, because they're the only ones who'll be able to answer.
youdunsay Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Biology doesn't matter. Sure you can pay visits to your blood parents. But it is your parents who nurtured you twenty over years, their effort to educate you, raise you well into a mature adult that counts.
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