What do I do?

[lostmyself12]

Hi, new to this forum, but I am feeling very alone and need some advice. Please no flaming, as I am not an angel in this situation.

I will be married for 7 years in about a month. My husband and I have two little girls, almost 5 and 6. I am incredibly unhappy in my marriage, and I am certain my husband is as well.

I started sleeping with the OM in April of this year. The inappropriate contact began at some point late March early April. I love the OM, and he loves me, however, naturally because of the nature of the relationship things are often rocky. I also never wanted my marriage to end because of my affair, I tried to end it prior to engaging in this relationship. I've also stopped sleeping with the OM over a month ago, however, up until today I have maintained daily contact with him.

My husband is controlling, however when I told him I wanted out of our marriage I don't think he took it seriously. There was very little change in his behavior. Then he found out about the OM (I really wasn't very sneaky, I think I probably subconsciously wanted to get caught) and immediately went in to fix the marriage overdrive. He said he wanted to do MC (which we tried and he decided he didn't like the first therapist after about 3 sessions) but the more I pushed him away the more his controlling personality started to escalate, to ways unknown before. As the breadwinner for our family by a longshot (100k vs 20k) he would tell me that there was no way I would ever get custody of our children if I didn't try to make it work with him because I was an adulterer and I don't make enough $ to support them. Or one time he took away my debit card/checkbook/credit card & cell phone unless I submitted to him sexually (I had been refusing), when that wasn't an ample threat he with me in the car took off towards the OM's place of work telling me he was going to kill him. I relented, and felt like I was a tree that needed to be peed on by a dog. Husband also decided that I needed to be back on my anxiety meds, and told me he would kick me out if I didn't start taking them again, he was counting my pills (I was flushing them) When none of these forceful tactics seemed to be working to bringing me around to 'love him' as he said, he became totally depressed, despondent, and borderline suicidal. He'd take 8 tylenol pms every night and then drink energy drinks all day (he has high blood pressure) and then say that he had to do these things because I wouldn't love him. and that I'd ruined him and broken him. I finally broke down and went to see a counselor on my own because I could not longer mitigate the situation on my own, she told me on no uncertain terms that I am in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship and that I should seek help through an organization in town to get myself and my kids out. I told husband this (probably shouldn't have) and he took it as an epiphany. Friday night/Saturday/today he read a book about co-dependency and controlling and has told me that he has no problem with me leaving, that he isn't going to try to stop me that I can stay in the guest bedroom etc. But that he wishes I would try and work it out with him.

Problem #1 - I don't trust him, he's said all these things to me before, the only difference is this time that he's read a book.

Problem #2 - I'm so burned (I was called every name in the book, and told over and over again to get the out of HIS house just as an example) I don't want to give him anything - I don't think I love him at all anymore.

Problem #3 - I don't make enough money, and I'm actually quitting my job (we work at the same office) to go back to school FT next month - so how to I leave anyways.

Problem #4 - I know he'd be okay with 50/50 custody of our girls, but I'd be the one leaving their home. This really sucks to put it mildly, I can only imagine the girls will think I abandoned them. He's talked about me moving out before in front of them, and they obviously get really upset.

Problem #5 - I think I've become incredibly dependent on the emotional support of the OM to get out of my marriage, and while he said he'd 'hold my hand through the whole thing' it's become pretty apparent he's not going to be there. I'm scared to do this, and it'd be easier to just roll over and do what my husband wants. HOWEVER, that's how I got into this mess in the first place. I need to find the strength to leave on my own.

RAHR! I'm frustrated, scared, exhausted, um, scared

[Albertan]

Okay.

First things first, lets look at this from the other side for a second. You had an affair, you have two young children. I think it would be obvious that after he found out he is entitled to "go a little crazy". I think when this happens to people there is a certain amount of things said/done that have to be forgiven as emotionally, I am sure he is all over the place.

I'll also say, just because a counsellor said it, does not make it true. While there are many good MCs and psychologists, I've also met some terrible ones.

 

Secondly. You say the OM loves you and you love him, yet he's not going to be there to hold your hand through the separation. How exactly do you love him and he love you? - when you're in a marriage and a OM/OW enters the picture, that's not love. Its distraction/lust/excitement.....

I'll give you the bad news now....its never going to work with OM.

 

Apologies if that sounds really harsh.

That all said, clearly you need out and I'll go through your problems one by one:

1. Yes he only read a book but he has had time to think, reflect and also perhaps handle the situation more. My best advice is to be honest with him and explain that your marriage is over, not because of someone else but that for you, the love has gone. Of course there will be hard times but that comes with a process like this. It could be a separation is something that works for the best of you, whatever way things work out.

2. See my first statement. People say and do things (look on these boards) when then have been hurt, when their angry. I'm not saying it is right but we all do things sometimes in the heat of the moment.

3. Money is always a hot potato. What family/support do you have? There are plenty of options right now but last thing you want to do is immediately move out and away from kids. You're married, so that means half of everything is yours. What assets do you have? It may well be you have to save for a month or two to afford move out.

I'd need more info to help you more on that but check your local government services, there are plenty of support systems for housing/benefits.

4. This is where you both need to be adults and come to agreements on how to deal with kids. I have done this (twice). Most recently my wife moved out and we talk to our children all the time about mommy and daddy having different houses. Its not easy but the important thing is not to bash the other parent and to keep sharing responsibility of raising the children. The only advice I can offer you, is to keep bringing it back to the well being of the children. Also remind him, the way he acts/what he does could well come back and bite him in the ass one day in court (good advice for you too).

5. You CAN do this. It is bloody hard and there'll be a lot of days when you doubt yourself, want to cry and scream. There will be days when you can't get out fast enough. There'll be days when you miss you kids. BUT, it does get easier, you do and will get through it.....on your own. Having other relationships will only complicate matters, cause more animosity with your husband and further confuse you. Don't rely on other people, trust in yourself and know that you're doing the best thing for yourself.

 

I really do wish you all the best. Remember, do what's best for you and what's best for your children. Keep that in mind every day.

[andyg99]

I also never wanted my marriage to end because of my affair, I tried to end it prior to engaging in this relationship.

 

you tried? there is no try in this situation, you either ended it or you didn't and you chose not to and had an affair anyway. BTW - this OM dude doesn't care, he's not there holding your hand because things are crazy now and he probably wants no part of it. If you want to end your marriage by all means do it, but don't drag a third party into the equation, your children deserve better....

[lostmyself12]

Thank you everyone for your necessary and helpful words.

I've cut off contact with the OM today. I can't do it with his **** anymore and it's not fair to anyone. I actually did it prior to reading all these posts (congratulatory pat on the back to me).

Today husband moved all my things into our spare bedroom and gave me until August 1 to move out. He called me a liar repeatedly, told me he was going to get tested for STDs and got the OM fired from the gym I met him at (his pt job). He was back to being his incredibly mean hurtful self and I broke. I couldn't take it. I told him I would go to MC at the new place Wednesday and then we snuggled. WTF?! He's become so blatant in his verbal assault until he gets what he want then affection cycle it's nearly laughable, but the only person that isn't laughing is me. I'm crying.

I've contacted a local women's organization today too to figure out some financial/housing arrangements.

Should I feel bad about placating him and then bailing? I don't know how to handle this anymore.

Edited July 10, 2012 by lostmyself12
additions

[2sure]

Good grief...this is crazy. You need a lawyer. You do not need to leave the house and you will get custody of your children. You need a lawyer, he has brainwashed you. Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer.

[Albertan]

How exactly is she going to afford a lawyer?

I am sorry, I am also struggling to see the "abuse" angle in the light that some others are here. He is hurt, upset, angry, bitter and he has a damn good right to be. How many stories are there on these boards with people finding out their spouse has been having an affair and then they've gone crazy. Many of the time, responses are "good for you" "he/she deserved it".

 

Talk about double standards.

 

Now I'm not saying there isn't abuse, obviously I am not there and only have the little info provided to go on but I think him saying she is a liar and getting angry etc....can be understood somewhat.

 

I'll also point out that lostmyself12 is in no way guaranteed 'custody'. More and more countries are moving towards shared/joint custody arrangements as it recognized that both parents need to be involved in raising their children. I actually believe England passed legislation to this effect.

 

All that said!!!! You DO NOT NEED TO MOVE OUT! Its probably wise if one of you does sooner rather than later. You also are entitled to half the assets and I bet a good wedge of child support and other benefits. There is lots of support for you out there, you just need to start investigating your options.

 

Do not feel bad about placating him. I know I sound like I am being quite hurtful but I do feel for you. Being financially strapped and being 'trapped' in a relationship you want to get out off must be impossible. If you've made it clear that you want out, that there is no going back, then he must know it is coming.

 

Questions:

Is your name on the title of the home?

Is there anyway he would move out for a while?

What money can you access from bank accounts/credit cards?

 

Advice:

Do not move out and leave the children. This will not look good for you.

If you can, do seek legal advice. A lot of places have lawyers that provide free services. Most often lawyers will give a consultation for free also.

Document everything!

Keep on your meds, to keep your anxiety down.

[lostmyself12]

I'm feeling a little sick tonight. Last night (I think, my life is such a blur anymore) after H had left work early and moved all my things into the spare bedroom and continued to verbally assault me at the office, in Party City (he took my wedding band from me and threw it in the store, it's gone) and again at home. (all in front of our children) Needless to say I was downtrodden and weepy, H came to me and said, I'll make you a deal, you sleep in the bed with me tonight and I'll go to twice a week counseling. (at the time I thought he meant MC, but he meant IC) I didn't immediately agree. Later I was lying on the couch totally despondent and he asked me to come snuggle him, which I refused. He then came and laid with me, put his arms around me and I sobbed like a little girl. It's so hard when I feel so alone (no family support and friends, but they've got their own families to deal with) and a hug went a long way, even from him. We wound up going to bed in the same bed and kept a standing appointment with a new MC today. I was honest with the MC that I didn't feel safe from his rages, that I walk on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, and she flat out refused to see us for MC until I felt safe at home. And that H was welcome to and encouraged to continue with IC, he actually went back for a second session alone this afternoon (same day). I am sick to my stomach. 24 hours of changed behavior does not a reformed man make, however I now feel like a sneaky b**ch waiting to hear back from the woman in transitional housing that is supposed to help me find a stable place to live.

The counselor initially suggested H find somewhere else to stay, and then asked him if he would leave me alone if I stayed in the spare room. The problem is that our 4 year old comes to our bed every night to sleep with ME, so I don't want to not be in here.

I'm so sad almost all the time, I am also sick to my stomach almost all the time.

I realize that I probably didn't really ask anything here, but I just need to put it out there.

Oh, and I checked my email address that I used to use to email with the OM, but I have been using to get emails for my 'secret' checking account and the women's/children's org I've turned to for help and there was a message from the OM saying that H has separated us and he needs to talk to me one last time. Going NC with the OM has been really really really hard for me, as I thought there was something special there (which he proved otherwise by shutting me out when things got really hard for me) so seeing that message was like a knife in my gut. What could he possibly have to say to me?

It's all too much for me. I'm just so so sad.

[reboot]

He doesn't "need to talk to you one last time". And you don't need to hear anything he has to say.