TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I posted around 11 months ago a situation I'd gotten in. After my 1st date with a girl, I had an encounter with my ex (drunk and upset she came to my house to talk, one thing led to another as it does). I asked LS then if I should tell the girl I had dated what happened. The majority answered no, since we weren't yet exclusive and it might only push her away from me. So I didn't. 2 months later my ex calls me and tells me she's pregnant. We spoke and agreed abortion was the best option as neither of us were ready for something like that and we didn't want to raise a kid whose parents were not together. Fast forward to July, she's had a child only a few days ago. I spoke with her (blindly panicking) and she assured me it wasn't mine and that she and the father now live together. I have it on good authority (from a mutual friend) she only met the "father" in January. Thing is, the last time I slept with her was the beginning of September so the baby can't be mine (according to the various conception calendars I've consulted) but, again, she claimed she had the abortion of "our child" in November which must be lies since she gave birth in July. So, I'm confused over whether or not this child could be mine, and I'm wondering if I should speak to my current girlfriend about the truth. If I was to tell her, it'll cause problems for us and I don't want to have to do that if I can avoid it. In short, can anyone shed some light on whether this child could possibly be mine? And the ramifications of the situation if it were? Thank you.
january2011 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) That's rather quick if the child is the other guy's and the child would have to have been born prematurely. It could be yours but you'd need to take a paternity test to be sure - I'm not sure how you could go about this, so you might need to do some more research, unless someone who has direct experience of paternity tests responds to your thread. If the baby is yours, then you definitely need to tell your current girlfriend what happened. Though, in my opinion, you should come clean anyway - a potential child is a big secret to hide - if the whispers in your circle reached you, they might reach your girlfriend. I think that she'd be very upset if she had to find out on her own that you might have conceived a child by another woman at a time when you were dating her [your current girlfriend]. Edited July 9, 2012 by january2011 2
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 That's rather quick if the child is the other guy's and the child would have to have been born prematurely. It could be yours but you'd need to take a paternity test to be sure - I'm not sure how you could go about this, so you might need to do some more research, unless someone who has direct experience of paternity tests responds to your thread. If the baby is yours, then you definitely need to tell your current girlfriend what happened. Though, in my opinion, you should come clean anyway - a potential child is a big secret to hide - if the whispers in your circle reached you, they might reach your girlfriend. I think that she'd be very upset if she had to find out on her own that you might have conceived a child by another woman at a time when you were dating her [your current girlfriend]. I don't really want to find out if it's mine though, really. I'm not in a place in my life where I would be able to handle that level of responsibility. Neither is my ex, which is the other reason I don't want involved. My ex, when we were together anyway, enjoyed partying with her friends to the extent she occasionally neglected her job and her studies. I fear if I was to get involved I'd find myself being elected babysitter very often while she went out. I don't know what her set up is at the moment in terms of who's helping her care for the child, and I really hope it's going to work out really well for her, but I just can't be involved. That being said, I'm worried she may approach me at some point in the future and expect me to assume responsibility for someone whom I can't mentally nor financially hope to care for.
irin Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 its not about whether you are ready or not, its too late for that, whether you like it or not if the child is your its your responsibility, and no being a parent isnt being elected babysitter. do the right thing and get the test. its disgusting to neglect a child just because your arent ready for one, you were more then happy to create him/her so why not be happy to raise the child. thats if it is yours. 3
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 its not about whether you are ready or not, its too late for that, whether you like it or not if the child is your its your responsibility, and no being a parent isnt being elected babysitter. do the right thing and get the test. its disgusting to neglect a child just because your arent ready for one, you were more then happy to create him/her so why not be happy to raise the child. thats if it is yours. I'm sorry but I disagree. I will not allow a child that I didn't plan for, a child that might not be mine, to disrupt my life. Call it selfish if you want, as long as that child has a home and a family who wanted to raise it then I shouldn't have to be obligated. I've known people trapped in relationships because the girl they slept with had a child against their wishes. They don't strike me as terrifically happy people. And yes, being elected babysitter is what will happen because, and I cannot stress this enough, I am not suitable to be a parent. I'm still working on my own life, I'd only mess up a child's life. I don't want to be involved, that's all.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Move to Peru. Im not kidding either, women use children as biological weapons against men. Prepare your anus for child support claims. You sound just like a friend of mine. He's warned me I might have to deal with child support claims. I'm a struggling student, I've no money to give. And women DO use children as weapons to tie guys down. I've seen it done before. I have relatives in Australia, maybe I'll pay them a visit indefinitely.
SmileFace Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 You had sex... Having the child is not against your wishes.
pink_sugar Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm sorry but I disagree. I will not allow a child that I didn't plan for, a child that might not be mine, to disrupt my life. Call it selfish if you want, as long as that child has a home and a family who wanted to raise it then I shouldn't have to be obligated. I've known people trapped in relationships because the girl they slept with had a child against their wishes. They don't strike me as terrifically happy people. And yes, being elected babysitter is what will happen because, and I cannot stress this enough, I am not suitable to be a parent. I'm still working on my own life, I'd only mess up a child's life. I don't want to be involved, that's all. My parents were this case. My mom planned my brother against his wishes, said he was an accident and they ended up getting a divorce when I was 4 or 5. However, if you have any suspicion the child is yours, it is your responsibility to have the test done, just for your own personal relief. If she chose to have the child anyways instead of an abortion, than you shouldn't be concerned about whether or not she'll get you involved as it's clear she would have done so already if she wanted anything from you. But it's not fair to the other guy either to raise a child he may not know isn't his. 1
irin Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm sorry but I disagree. I will not allow a child that I didn't plan for, a child that might not be mine, to disrupt my life. Call it selfish if you want, as long as that child has a home and a family who wanted to raise it then I shouldn't have to be obligated. I've known people trapped in relationships because the girl they slept with had a child against their wishes. They don't strike me as terrifically happy people. And yes, being elected babysitter is what will happen because, and I cannot stress this enough, I am not suitable to be a parent. I'm still working on my own life, I'd only mess up a child's life. I don't want to be involved, that's all. how old are you , did no one explain to that have sex comes with the possiblity of pregnancy? im not asking you to raise a child that isnt yours, or be in a relationship with the mother, simply own up to your responsibility go take a test. if the child is biologically your it is your obligation, you made him/her by choice, she didnt rape you, did she? 1
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 how old are you , did no one explain to that have sex comes with the possiblity of pregnancy? im not asking you to raise a child that isnt yours, or be in a relationship with the mother, simply own up to your responsibility go take a test. if the child is biologically your it is your obligation, you made him/her by choice, she didnt rape you, did she? I'm old enough to understand the ramifications of sex, thank you. What if I take the test and the child is mine? I'm now obligated to be involved in a situation I was promised I would not have to deal with. How do you explain that? How wool my girlfriend feel if I have a child to suddenly take on. My feelings and situation doesn't come into play at all, no? If it were my child, I would, instinctively, want to be involved, but I refuse to **** up my child. And if were to raise it now that's what would happen.
venusianx13 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 If you get the test and the baby is yours, you would have the option of voluntarily signing away your parental rights (before a judge). Once you have signed away your rights, you are not responsible for the child in any way, nor will you have any further role in the child's life.
Million.to.1 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Judging by the time frame, it could well be your child. If she is in a relationship with "new guy" and the two of them are jappy to raise the child as theirs, then fine, but you should still get a test done. The child has a right to know who it's biological father is at some stage. And new guy MUST know it's not his... unless they actually met last year, had sex, and got together in january and your friend is misinformed. I think the right thing to do would be to get a test. That way you will know for sure and be able to reach and agreement about how to go forward. Give up your parental rights to the new guy. Get sometime in writing so you are not financially obligated if that's what your afraid of. What if new guy bails on her and she comes out 10 years later that it was yours all along?? Just sort it out properly so at least you are all on the same page. Whether you like it or not, that little innocent human being might be half you. Half you genes. That counts for something doesn't it? Don't you care even just a little bit about what sort of person it will grow to become? What about your family? What about the childs rights here??? How could you just not care?
FitChick Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Hope she marries the new guy if he is doing well financially. Then ask for a paternity test and if it's your kid, offer to sign away your rights so it can be legally adopted by the guy and grow up in a stable, loving family. Otherwise, if you wait a few years and the couple are unhappy, she may come after you for child support. You want to strike while they are playing "happy family." That way, if they divorce he will legally be the kid's father and responsible. Have you thought about getting a vasectomy?
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Hope she marries the new guy if he is doing well financially. Then ask for a paternity test and if it's your kid, offer to sign away your rights so it can be legally adopted by the guy and grow up in a stable, loving family. Otherwise, if you wait a few years and the couple are unhappy, she may come after you for child support. You want to strike while they are playing "happy family." That way, if they divorce he will legally be the kid's father and responsible. Have you thought about getting a vasectomy? Actually I have, but I may want kids some time in the future. I think a paternity test would be a bad idea, but I understand I need to sign away my right if the child is mine. The problem is, how do I find out if it is? My ex won't admit it's mine while she's playing happy families in case she jeapordises what she has. So what do I do?
funlady Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 You had sex with her 11 months ago? How could that child be yours? I don't get it.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted July 15, 2012 Author Posted July 15, 2012 You had sex with her 11 months ago? How could that child be yours? I don't get it. We slept together beginning of September and she had the kid in the beginning of July. It's around 10 months time between when we were together and when she gave birth. I'm just wondering if there's a chance it's mine and how I can avoid any ramifications if it is. I've just today seen new pictures of her - turns out its a girl - and if she is mine then I'd feel the need to do something. According to Facebook - exactly as I predicted - my ex dumped the kid on her mother, not yet a month old, and went out partying. Where I the father I'd really disapprove of this and no doubt there'd be a million arguments between me and my ex. I'm at a transitional period in my life - I'm trying to figure out what to do with my career, my future, and I'm trying to build a life with my current gf. All of that would fall apart if I was to be a father to that girl. I'm not being cruel, she's being cared for more than I could do.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 An update! A revelation, to clear things up. I found old text messages on my phone that guarantee two things: 1) The last time I slept with my ex was on October 11th, 2011. She gave birth July 30th. 2) According to a text message, she went on her second date with the man who is the father of her child, in the beginning of December. So unless the first date was a few months before (and he's perhaps the unluckiest man on Earth), the man can't possibly be the father of the child. And it fits in with my exs confession in November 2011 that I got her pregnant. It's strange to think there's a child out there whom might be mine...
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Possible she had sex on date #1? Unlikely, if I know her as well as I thought I did, but possible yes. Even so, they would have had to have had a 1st date in October, so why wait two months for date no 2?
Balzac Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 The significant date is that of ovulation. Sperm life has a normal maximum.
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 An update! A revelation, to clear things up. I found old text messages on my phone that guarantee two things: 1) The last time I slept with my ex was on October 11th, 2011. She gave birth July 30th. 2) According to a text message, she went on her second date with the man who is the father of her child, in the beginning of December. So unless the first date was a few months before (and he's perhaps the unluckiest man on Earth), the man can't possibly be the father of the child. And it fits in with my exs confession in November 2011 that I got her pregnant. It's strange to think there's a child out there whom might be mine... Two words. Paternity test!
alexandria35 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 An update! A revelation, to clear things up. I found old text messages on my phone that guarantee two things: 1) The last time I slept with my ex was on October 11th, 2011. She gave birth July 30th. 2) According to a text message, she went on her second date with the man who is the father of her child, in the beginning of December. So unless the first date was a few months before (and he's perhaps the unluckiest man on Earth), the man can't possibly be the father of the child. And it fits in with my exs confession in November 2011 that I got her pregnant. It's strange to think there's a child out there whom might be mine... But in your opening post on this board which appeared on July 13 you said this... Fast forward to July, she's had a child only a few days ago So how can she have given birth on July 30th when she had already given birth on July 13th? And if she did have the baby early in July and you had sex with her in Mid October then it is almost definitely your child. I know you don't see the point of getting a paternity test since she is happily raising the baby with someone else right now but you don't know what might happen later? If things don't work out with the guy she is with now, then she might declare you the father and hit you with child support and make it retroactive right back to the day of birth, and if you are the father, you're going to have to suck it up. Wouldn't you rather know everything right now so you your future and so you can be honest and upfront with any women that you get seriously involved with?
alexandria35 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I was wrong. It wasn't July 13 that you first posted, it was July 9th that you said she had given birth a few days before. The liklihood of this baby being yours is very high, unless she had a one night stand right before or after sex with you.
Balzac Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 My bet is that "new guy" is is listed as father on the birth certificate. That's OP's best reason to ignore this question of DNA.
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