lemonlime Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I had broken up with my ex for about 4 months a year ago. Things were going really well. We'd been back together for almost a year. But I have an addiction problem and I relapsed. I didnt tell him for 6 months. We had talked about the possibility of that happening. But he said that he always imagined it being once, or maybe a week. Never a prolonged deception. Things were generally pretty good. But my using began to affect our relationship. I began to get depressed, and overly anxious. I took it out on him. But we really loved each other. When I found out he was blaming my unhappiness on himself I told him the truth about everything. I knew he may break up with me. And he did. I had hoped he was going to support me, try to understand. But he said that he couldnt give me the support he thought that I needed. That he didnt think I would have time for him and my new sobriety. That he didnt know if he would ever be able to get back with me because hes not sure he could handle it if it happened again. And I understand, I really do. But we really love each other so much. I never meant to hurt him like that, I dont know how to make it up to him. I know I probably just need to give him some space for a while and that any decision he makes will be a consequence of my actions. He held me for two hours when he came to get his stuff. I said I thought I was going to marry you, and he replied so did I. I just feel so guilty, and broken. I have a four year old from a previous relationship and it breaks my heart to see how he already notices hes gone. I broke my family. I hate my addiction soo much. Its cost me so much in the past and now I really think its going to cost me the man of my dreams. Hes everything I ever wanted and I hurt him and I just dont know how to make it any better. If anyone has any advice please let me know.
sweetheart5381 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 You did an incredible thing by being honest with him and letting him go. You put him above your addiction, that's real love. Take the time to really get a handle on the addiction, beat the hell out it and use the man you love as the catapult. Guilt and shame will get you nowhere, you should focus on the positive part, your love for one another. Love doesn't die, relationships don't die, but they change when necessary. Your health and well-being are your first priority and your man is doing you a favour by stepping back and letting you duke it out with the addiction. It is a personal fight and he is trying to give you strength to do so by bowing out. I commend you for being so honest. Beat the hell out of that addiction!
Author lemonlime Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I need some advice. I had therapy yesterday. And I've been talking with my sponsor. My ex and I are going to meet up on Saturday to exchange the last of our stuff (I just keep finding more of his) and to say whatever it is either of us has to say. My therapist suggested that I very whole heartedly told told him that I understand where he is, and how hes feeling. I understand that he doesnt know what to do from here. And its not about making a decision right now. But would he be willing to meet up for 15-20 minutes and go on a walk once a week to catch up and so he can see the changes occurring due to my working my program. If any part of him wants to see if things work in the future Im hoping he will agree. (He claims there is). She said its really important to initially keep it down to very limited amounts of time, and build from there, to give him time to work through his feelings, hurt and anger. I think what he wants is to take time apart (like nc apart) to decide what to do. But I feel like his natural self will go straight to trying to move on. Anyone have an opinion?
Author lemonlime Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Anybody? Or been in a similar situation. I feel lik e99% sure hes never going to forgive me. I just feel like **** constantly for tearing apart my family. Especially when some people hint that i never should have said anything. I feel like what I did was the right and fair thing to do.
macjuggalo Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 You need to stop tearing yourself down about it, you did the right thing. Remember if you aren't happy with yourself first nobody else will ever make you happy. 1
Blastoplast Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I can see where he'd want to take it slow -- addiction is a LIFELONG battle. He's been hurt by you before, and if he still has feelings for you he wants to be sure he won't be hurt again. Fool me three times type of thing, ya know? I wish you the best with your battle, life and love are the best drugs out there, always keep that in mind.
Author lemonlime Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Well this has never happened before. When we broke up it was for more of communication issues. Him holding on to resentments about stupid stuff, and me being a little overly anxious about some stuff. When we started dating I had about a year sober, and this is the first time that ive ever had a slip. Basically because i stopped going to meetings and doing what i needed to do. Which im now actively participating in again.
Author lemonlime Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 So I went to talk to him. He agreed to meet up once a week. He said that he wants to get past it and move on. Hes just not sure if he can. And he doesnt know what he would do if it happened again. He said that he feels torn right down the middle between loving me and being angry and hurt. Im hoping time, and me working my program will help, but is there anything else I can do? Im trying to give him as much space as i can. Its really hard though because when we are together, its like we arent broken up, but then we dont talk again for a week. I almost feel like it might be easier if I actually saw some of the hurt and pain. I dont know :/
leoc1973 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 OK this guy is full of ****. First of all he should be supporting you instead of punishing you(if he really loves you) This is one thing that I consistently hate when I read people's stories. When people use love to put fear into people. Like the fear of losing someone and leveraging it. You have/had a problem and you are working on it and I don't know what this guys angle is. I don't know if he is trying to put the fear of losing him into you to teach you a lesson to never lie to him again or what. Why do you think he agreed to meet with you once a week? So he can keep his eye on you and make sure you aren't going anywhere. thats why! When a guy leaves a woman he doesn't wanna deal with all that guilt and crying that comes along with it so if a man is seriously trying to leave you he will avoid you like the plague. Seriously! If he is trying to get you clean then good for having the right intentions but bad way of doing it. Especially with an addict. The first thing you wanna do is go grab the bottle or the needle or the pills or whatever. he should be there for you and not threatening to take his love away if you don't stop! You have done good to get clean/sober in the first place and you had a slip up! So what. he should get over it and himself. I am a man and I know what he is doing. Tell him look buddy if you love me you will be there for me if not there is the door. Tell him you will get clean on your own and find a man who deserves you! It takes such a strong person to kick addictions and its always easy for someone who hasn't been through it to lecture you on how evil you are. Good for you for being strong and don't start using again. For you child if no one else!
Author lemonlime Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 I think he was really hurt that I lied to him. He doesnt know what he wants right now. His brother is an addict in and out. He said one of the main reasons he broke up with me was because he knew he should be wanting to support me, because I was doing something that could realistically threaten my life. The fact that all he could think about was how much I had hurt him made him think he would end up treating me with anger and resentment, and he knew thats really the last thing I need right now. When we broke up previously he went through this angry disrespectful stage, and it really seemed like treating me like that hurt him, because hes not like that at all. Hes always said he never wants to treat me like that again. He seems to think that thats what would end up happening. I told him that if he started acting like that we would know it wasnt working, and I wouldnt put up with it, but he said by then he would have already hurt me even worse. I honestly believe hes really hurt and really confused. I think he loves me, but he doesnt know what he wants.
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