Failing to Reach Indifference

[Ajax]

So it will be two years ago in August that my ex broke up with me, and I came here to LS. The full story was documented here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/245261-still-pining.

 

The Cliff's Notes version is pretty standard though. I was head over heals for her. Things seemed fine but then she dumped me out of the blue saying she needed to "figure herself out" and couldn't be in a relationship at the time. And of course she was with a new beau within weeks. I was crushed.

 

It took me a while to move on, and in most regards I have. But a couple nights ago I was at my friends Alan and Meg's family's house, whose cousin happens to be the ex. I was talking to Alan's dad, who at one point asked if I knew what happened at my friend's wedding in October. I had been at the wedding but I didn't know what he was referring to.

 

He recounted a story of my ex's boyfriend's social awkwardness at the wedding and some instances where he outright offended people. He said how the family never cared for the guy and that now their relationship was over.

 

I didn't ask any questions. Just listened and shook my head. It didn't especially bother me, but I admit that I took some satisfaction in knowing that my ex wasn't with this guy anymore and the possibility that it might lead her to reach out to me at some point in the near future.

 

I know that the odds of that are pretty low. I went into NC mode two weeks after being dumped and she's never attempted to get in touch with me. And I also know that just because she broke up with the guy she left me for doesn't mean she has any interest in catching up with me now.

 

It's just been on my mind the past couple days. It would be nice if I could say that after almost two years since leaving, I don't care anymore. But I guess on some level I still do.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Ajax sorry but I can't remember why you were invited anyway. Sounds like my revenge fantasies where I try and hurt my exes for screwing me over. How do you have mutual friends? My ex friends didn't even care and all cut me off. How does that not happen to everyone on here.

[jquest1280]

Hi Ajax.

 

2 years...hmmm...I would still say that's normal. The news gave you pause. But you didn't get the urge to call her and reconnect. You didn't launch into fantasies about getting back together. After 2 years of NC, caution has crept into your blood. I think that's progress.

 

5 years after my BU, I came upon an unfavorable review of my ex's firm in the net. (He owns the company, and they provide services). my first reaction was not 'serve you right, you scumbag.' Instead it was "oh no, this is bad for business!". Maybe I will always care. But, I got better things to do now...

[Ajax]

Hi Ajax sorry but I can't remember why you were invited anyway.

 

I was friends with them for years before meeting my ex through them, so the invitation was always going to happen.

 

But you didn't get the urge to call her and reconnect. You didn't launch into fantasies about getting back together. After 2 years of NC, caution has crept into your blood. I think that's progress.

 

You're right that I don't have the urge to call her, and I don't have her number anymore anyway. But it has started me thinking about different scenarios of getting back together.

 

A few months ago after doing some soul searching I came to the realization that while I had no inclination to talk to her, I wasn't comfortable never talking to her again. I don't expect to ever have her back, but at some point in the decades before we both depart this world I'd at least like to share a joke, a smile, and a drink with her one last time.

 

I guess the news that she's single again is reopening my mind to ideas, realistic or not.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Ajax

[Mcnulty]

I totally get how you're feeling.

 

Same thing happened to me a month ago. saw her guy, my ex friend out with another lady, thought, ah they might just be friends as I go out with female friends, then my friend who lives across the street from him told me she never sees her car there anymore...then I hear and then see he is on a dating site...he was always a bit of a player...sooo, I thought, karma does exist, but then I got to thinking, I don't want her to be unhappy and I hope he hasn't hurt her...because i still love her...always will.

 

I started thinking about her more, got caller witheld numbers on my phone, so I thought, maybe it's her...lots of scenarios went through my mind.

 

Then saturday gone, i go back to my friends house and lo and behold...her car is there...upset me all over again.

 

What i'm saying is, don't go down this road, try to move on and shut it out, cos she may get back with him, OR have another guy already.

[Blastoplast]

Hey Ajax, I read your original thread and I feel ya man. I'm going through a tough breakup right now with my ex -- seems like my ex has a lot of the same issues as yours, minus the wanting to see other people, although maybe she has wanted to see people, or has been thinking about it. I don't know. The hardest part about the break-up for me is this message she sent me a month before we broke up:

 

"if we go, we can get married and have babies and live happily ever after!"

 

This was in regards to a cruise we wanted to go on... I know a lot of stuff had been weighing on her conscious, but what changes in the course of a month from where you want to get married and have children to saying the spark isn't there anymore and some relationships just end?

 

What I'm getting at is, some women just don't know what they want. I've made it clear to my EX that I wanted nothing more in the world than her, and that she makes me happier than anything else in life. If your EX cant love you for who you are, or isn't interested in you -- there's nothing that can change that except herself. I just wish you best of luck in your future, keep your head up!

[Ajax]

Thanks for the input guys. And I'm sorry you're struggling, Blastoplast. Breakups are hard, any way you slice it.

 

 

What i'm saying is, don't go down this road, try to move on and shut it out, cos she may get back with him, OR have another guy already.

 

I know what you're saying, and I'm under no illusions. I came to accept the situation a long time ago. And I have moved on with my life. I think I just have to also accept that true and total indifference towards her isn't in the cards for me.

[Starman8]

I know how you feel. I'm just a couple weeks away from the one year mark and I still find myself missing my ex and wishing sometimes for reconciliation (even though I know it would not be for the best).

 

My situation was very similar to yours, she gave me the same exact excuses and I ended up seeing her with my replacement several weeks later.

 

I just can't seem to understand how we could share 2+ years of intimacy and she could just discard me like that. I was good to her and always made sure we had fun. It's just weird that she would never check in or anything after all the time that's gone by. She knew that I loved her. I just want to feel like our time together meant something to her.

 

I wish these feelings would go away, but doesn't seem likely at the moment. I won't contact her, I'll just keep on going.

[MissMoni]

I think that when we do care, a small part of us may always care, even when they never reciprocate. It will be two years for me in a couple months too, and I have friends that are completely weirded out that I still think about him. I think that since you were triggered to think about her, you thought about reaching out, and it may have bothered you that she never did. What I try to remind myself is that we never may know why they don't reach out. Maybe it has nothing to do with us. I'm still struggling with that myself.

[broken-and-lost]

Hey Ajax,

 

I remember reading your original post about this girl and i was on here round about the same time will be two years for me in september and i'm pretty much like you i haven't found any indifference to her either, like you she meant the world to me, so i don't think i'll ever get that myself. i still think mine is with the guy she left me for.

 

I've got no illusions of any reconciliation's either but have always wanted us to talk and been stupid enough to write to her on more then one occasion asking for exactly that never with any positive results.

 

I feel you man !! my advice tho seeing as you haven't been as stupid as me and broken NC i'd stick to what you've been doing like others say if she wanted you in her life she'd come to you.

Edited July 16, 2012 by broken-and-lost