Waiting for Him to Initiate

July 9, 2012

I don't mean whore. I mean...less valuable, since I was too eager. My last boyfriend was a genius. Deep thinker, insanely intelligent, not at all shallow...and I initiated the relationship with him. I also led him a lot in the relationship--just day to day things.

What happened? I ended up becoming an almost mother-like figure to him, the sex dwindled to nothing, and his friends started calling him out on him taking advantage of me and asking me why I date him.

In the long term, the initial process of asking somebody out really doesn't mean much to be honest. If it didn't work out, then you guys were clearly incompatible. It wouldn't have made any difference if he approached you first or you approached him. Guys just don't analyze things that deeply. I don't treat a woman any differently for approaching me. It's a very minuscule thing

Furthermore, if he's the kind of guy where he always wants you to initiate everything. It sounds like he's not very masculine and is probably not worth your time. I myself have no problem with a girl leading/initiating if she wants to but I can do plenty of that myself as well

And, I am afraid of rejection--with this guy, this time. But, I obviously wasn't afraid in the past, since I did ask him out. I give a lot in my relationships, but I also want to receive from the next guy I date.

Which is reasonable, but my point is that whether you approach him or not isn't going to make the relationship any better or worse. Avoid analyzing things as much as possible I would tell you

If he doesn't contact you and you end up never contacting him, you risk the possibility of missing out on a great relationship with a guy you really like. What's the point in that? Plus it's possible that he'll start initializing a lot if you do start talking to him (and he sees that you still like him)

Edited July 9, 2012 by brahmabull117

July 9, 2012

Ok, you're acting like you know my friend. She has cheated on multiple boyfriends (I've never done that), and she has been in several relationships where she's been hit by men (I haven't).

So...her advice is good?

I'm not in any way acting like I know your friend. I'm taking my (a male perspective), 2 other males views, AND your friend's view.

I don't understand how you could come to a dating-advice site, just to ignore the advice and try to rationalize not doing anything. I'm honestly trying not to be mean, but look at the big picture:

1) you and a guy like each other

2) the guy reached out and added you

3) 3 men tell you their view and give you the "go ahead"

4) your friend gives you the "go ahead"

yet.... you side with someone who has 200 posts in 2 months (no life or experience with males), who's only "advice" is to sit back and hope for the best. Well... good luck OP. I'm not trying to be mean, but you're going to miss out on a lot of guys that you like if you keep ignoring everyone's advice and trying to rationalize why you should do nothing.

July 9, 2012

lol

I'm not surprised.

It's okay, just admit it: you're insecure and afraid of rejection. No need to rationalize it using fuzzy logic.

July 9, 2012

In the long term, the initial process of asking somebody out really doesn't mean much to be honest. If it didn't work out, then you guys were clearly incompatible. It wouldn't have made any difference if he approached you first or you approached him. Guys just don't analyze things that deeply. I don't treat a woman any differently for approaching me. It's a very minuscule thing

Furthermore, if he's the kind of guy where he always wants you to initiate everything. It sounds like he's not very masculine and is probably not worth your time. I myself have no problem with a girl leading/initiating if she wants to but I can do plenty of that myself as well

Which is reasonable, but my point is that whether you approach him or not isn't going to make the relationship any better or worse. Avoid analyzing things as much as possible I would tell you

If he doesn't contact you and you end up never contacting him, you risk the possibility of missing out on a great relationship with a guy you really like. What's the point in that? Plus it's possible that he'll start initializing a lot if you do start talking to him (and he sees that you still like him)

It is actually really relieving for you to say that you don't view a woman badly for approaching you first. And I agree with you, I do analyze things a lot. haha.

But I also see what you're saying...don't let the "What If?" hang there forever, when I could be missing out on something wonderful.

I'll take your advice and go with my gut and wait it out a little.

July 9, 2012

It's okay, just admit it: you're insecure and afraid of rejection. No need to rationalize it using fuzzy logic.

Yeah, I bet your W.I.F.E. never "Fs" you. I know I wouldn't.

July 9, 2012

I didn't know that it was offensive to expect a man to "wear the pants" sometimes.

That's okay hunny. Here's a tampon.

If you want the guy to wear pants, get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich. What does sending someone a message on facebook have to do with wearing pants? What a bizarre argument.

July 9, 2012

It is actually really relieving for you to say that you don't view a woman badly for approaching you first. And I agree with you, I do analyze things a lot. haha.

Stay out of your head as much as possible. Men don't analyze things like that

And yes I don't care at all if a girl approaches me and neither do any of the guys I know. Just don't act like a whore when you do it (which I imagine should be no problem)

But I also see what you're saying...don't let the "What If?" hang there forever, when I could be missing out on something wonderful.

I'll take your advice and go with my gut and wait it out a little.

Good I'm glad your seeing things my way. Always go get what you want in life

July 9, 2012

OP, if you want to wait for him to initiate, then wait for him.

Keep in mind that the advice you are getting here are from men who b*tch and moan on a forum instead of actually having relationships (and then play gender wars because they need an excuse for not "wearing the pants").

Keep me updated on how it goes

Oh, I'm aware that some of them probably have their hands down their pants while they look at comic book characters.

I think I'm going to wait. Lol, I'll keep you posted!

July 9, 2012

It's always painful to read a post from an innocent new person here when they accidentally evoke so much anger. It's like they sent a PM directly to the bitterest members personally insulting them.

I don't know how Facebook works but you can say Hi to someone without asking them out, yes? Did this guy find you on Facebook? If so, then things seem hopeful.

July 9, 2012

If you want the guy to wear pants, get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich. What does sending someone a message on facebook have to do with wearing pants? What a bizarre argument.

Wowwww.....

July 9, 2012

It's always painful to read a post from an innocent new person here when they accidentally evoke so much anger. It's like they sent a PM directly to the bitterest members personally insulting them.

I don't know how Facebook works but you can say Hi to someone without asking them out, yes? Did this guy find you on Facebook? If so, then things seem hopeful.

Seriously, what's with the attacks?

Yes, I'd never ask him out again. I asked him out last, and he was in a relationship, so he said no. But I feel like he should send a message first to follow up the friend request...because I don't know why he seeked me out after 4 years.

July 9, 2012

Yes, I'd never ask him out again. I asked him out last, and he was in a relationship, so he said no. But I feel like he should send a message first to follow up the friend request...because I don't know why he seeked me out after 4 years.

What did I tell you about not analyzing?

Go with the flow

July 9, 2012

Seriously, what's with the attacks?

Yes, I'd never ask him out again. I asked him out last, and he was in a relationship, so he said no. But I feel like he should send a message first to follow up the friend request...because I don't know why he seeked me out after 4 years.

This is the island of misfit toys.

July 9, 2012

OP if you two are friendly with one another, no harm in giving him your number to call. He'll either call or he won't. But just leave it at that, no need to examine it further atm. I've done it.

July 9, 2012

So, this guy that I had very strong feelings for in college (which was 4 years ago now!!!) just friended me on a social networking site.

If he asked me out, I'd see him in a heartbeat. However, I am insistent that he initiates contact with me and asks me out. My best girl friend thinks I should reach out to him first though, as an ice breaker. I disagree with her.

Back story is: when I first got to college, said guy asked me out. I had a boyfriend, said no. Two semesters later, I was single. We ended up in class together. I asked him out...turns out he was in a relationship. So, he said no. The flirtations, however, constantly continued, to the point of frustration and anger on both of our parts sometimes. I have not kept in contact with this guy. Neither of us ever viewed the other as a "friend," since we were both attracted to one another.

Now, he just requested me online out of the blue, and I find out through the grapevine that he is recently single. I accepted his request, so we are now friends.

Do I want him to talk to me? Yes. Do I want him to ask me out? Yes.

However, the next time I have a boyfriend, I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship. I want to feel wanted. I feel like it's honestly his job to initiate the conversation with me, and show me why he felt the need to friend me.

So...what do you think...let him start a convo with me (and not get ahead of myself), or seem super eager and start a convo with him (when the last "event" of our relationship was him turning me down)?

Any advice is appreciated.

Hi Orla,

Thank you for posting this. My recommendation is to know what you want, go after it and not give up until you have it or it's obvious that it's impossible to get. What could be wrong with pursuing your happiness to the fullest, not hurting anyone along the way and never giving in to despair? Us men have to put up with a lot of rejection and it hurts. I'm 35 years old and if you count each time in my life that I have made even the tiniest of moves, whether it be simply asking for a girl's phone number who is single, then I have probably been rejected more than 200 times in my life!! But I know that I cannot let it get me down because no woman is ever going to begin a long, determined and persistent pursuit of me. Even the women that do make the first move always turn passive after the third or fourth exchange.

Here's a secret that women do not know about: it's very difficult for guys to resist a woman who patiently and consistently pursues them. Have you ever had a guy that you sort of liked but you didn't want a relationship with but he calmly and patiently did not take no for an answer and continued to pursue you? If so, was it difficult to resist? If it was then guys feel the exact same thing, it might even be more difficult for guys to resist because we are not accustomed to dealing with this thing. I can only speak for myself but I've only had maybe 5 girls pursue me consistently and it was very hard to resist and I ultimately gave in.

There is a problem however. Guys will take advantage of women that pursue them, meaning they will just try to sleep with them and move on. Don't have sex with him thinking that that will make him fall in love with you. At least don't be easy. The more he has to work for it, the more meaningful it will become and the more meaningful the act is, the more likely he is to fall in love with you. So be careful that if you do pursue him eventually he will definitely try to just have sex with you because men have sex on the brain, but that does not mean he's falling in love with you or is interested in a long term relationship.

This would be my strategy: you've liked him for four years so I'm sure you have it in you to put up a 4 month pursuit. Contact him once a week for four months. Don't take no for an answer. If he brushes you off or ignores you, suck it up and don't let it take you away from your goal. Remember: you want something and nothing amazing is going to come to you without risk or effort. Don't give up until he actually gets visibly mad and angry. If he gets mad and angry then he's really not interested or you're just going to become annoying.

July 9, 2012

Yeah, but I HAVE made a move before. Is him friending me on a social networking site even proof of him being interested in me?

And also, yes I am scared of him rejecting me.

So people with 200 friends on those sites are interested in all those friends romantically?

See where I am going with this?

How does he know you are interested if you don't hit him up?

As men get older they stop hitting on everything with a heartbeat.

They chase less. Women used to men hitting on her all the time need to realize this.

Hence I don't troll my meager FB page for dates.

It's actually kinda creepy if you think about it.

But, it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to hit on guys over FB.

July 9, 2012

I'm going to close this up while cleaning up the horribly off-topic and disruptive mess. Thread starter, if you wish this re-opened, alert on my post here and advise moderation. Overall, I think fewer members will get suspended if we all just move on.

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