Waiting for Him to Initiate

July 9, 2012

So, this guy that I had very strong feelings for in college (which was 4 years ago now!!!) just friended me on a social networking site.

If he asked me out, I'd see him in a heartbeat. However, I am insistent that he initiates contact with me and asks me out. My best girl friend thinks I should reach out to him first though, as an ice breaker. I disagree with her.

Back story is: when I first got to college, said guy asked me out. I had a boyfriend, said no. Two semesters later, I was single. We ended up in class together. I asked him out...turns out he was in a relationship. So, he said no. The flirtations, however, constantly continued, to the point of frustration and anger on both of our parts sometimes. I have not kept in contact with this guy. Neither of us ever viewed the other as a "friend," since we were both attracted to one another.

Now, he just requested me online out of the blue, and I find out through the grapevine that he is recently single. I accepted his request, so we are now friends.

Do I want him to talk to me? Yes. Do I want him to ask me out? Yes.

However, the next time I have a boyfriend, I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship. I want to feel wanted. I feel like it's honestly his job to initiate the conversation with me, and show me why he felt the need to friend me.

So...what do you think...let him start a convo with me (and not get ahead of myself), or seem super eager and start a convo with him (when the last "event" of our relationship was him turning me down)?

Any advice is appreciated.

July 9, 2012

He might be scared. I've been dating my girlfriend for a couple of months now and I was terrified of telling her how I felt when we first started hanging out together. She sent me signals but I was just scared of what she would say. I finally got up the courage to kiss her. I think if you really like this guy then you should ask him out. We all risk rejection in dating. It sounds like he likes you so don't worry about who initiated it as long as it happens.

July 9, 2012

My rationalization is that I was the last one to "do the asking out." He friended me...I mean if he's motivated, he'd send me a message, right?

Well, all I can tell you is that you never know how somebody feels. He could be attracted to you but doesn't want to ask you out because he feels that you may reject him now

Give him a little bit of time to contact you if you like and then contact him if he doesn't do it. You got nothing to lose

Don't try to figure men out, it will drive you nuts. Just go with the flow - him not initiating doesn't mean anything

July 9, 2012

Well I've never made the first move, so my advice to you would be wait for him to make the first move.

However a lot depends on how much you like him. If you want him to initiate and be the one who really really wants you, then making the first move would cloud all of that and you really wouldn't know. Maybe he will simply agree and a relationship would blossom because it's convenient.

It's up to you, but I agree that he should make the first move. Otherwise how would you know if he really likes you? Men rarely reject women. So you're right to wait and see if he does anything.

July 9, 2012

Yeah, but I HAVE made a move before. Is him friending me on a social networking site even proof of him being interested in me?

And also, yes I am scared of him rejecting me.

Who knows...but he might be thinking the same thing. How is he supposed to know that you like him? Just send him a simple message saying "hi" and see where that leads you. It's not like you have to ask him out right away.

July 9, 2012

Who knows...but he might be thinking the same thing. How is he supposed to know that you like him? Just send him a simple message saying "hi" and see where that leads you. It's not like you have to ask him out right away.

I think she wants to see if he likes her enough to initiate, regardless if he is scared or nervous or whatever.

If he initiates contact, then it shows the OP that he likes her enough to overcome his shyness or fears or whatnot. If she initiates, she makes it that much easier for him, and I don't think she wants to pave that road for him.

She wants him to pave it himself. I totally get it though. You want to see how much the guy actually likes you. After all, you see how the women who are "easily available" are often used and abused simply because men saw the opportunity.

OP doesn't want to make an opportunity. She wants the guy to do it because that's how much he likes her (if he does).

July 9, 2012

Give him a little bit of time to contact you if you like and then contact him if he doesn't do it. You got nothing to lose

Don't try to figure men out, it will drive you nuts. Just go with the flow - him not initiating doesn't mean anything

Actually, weird you said that. I was thinking of giving it a little bit of time and then possibly reaching out. I'm not against being friendly at all...I just want to feel valued, since he rejected me last.

July 9, 2012

I think she wants to see if he likes her enough to initiate, regardless if he is scared or nervous or whatever.

If he initiates contact, then it shows the OP that he likes her enough to overcome his shyness or fears or whatnot. If she initiates, she makes it that much easier for him, and I don't think she wants to pave that road for him.

She wants him to pave it himself. I totally get it though. You want to see how much the guy actually likes you. After all, you see how the women who are "easily available" are often used and abused simply because men saw the opportunity.

OP doesn't want to make an opportunity. She wants the guy to do it because that's how much he likes her (if he does).

That's exactly what I'm saying. Thank you.

He's recently out of a relationship. I don't want to be easily available for rebound, but I still have latent feelings for him that could easily be revived. I just want to know I'm wanted.

And, for the record, I have initiated a great deal with my past ex-boyfriends. I ended up attracting lazy guys or guys who liked me less than I liked them, because I made it easy for them.

I just don't want to do it again.

July 9, 2012

Well I've never made the first move, so my advice to you would be wait for him to make the first move.

However a lot depends on how much you like him. If you want him to initiate and be the one who really really wants you, then making the first move would cloud all of that and you really wouldn't know. Maybe he will simply agree and a relationship would blossom because it's convenient.

You guys gotta stop placing so much value on who initiates what. It doesn't matter and most men don't analyze things to that extent

The first girl I ever dated approached me first and I was crazy about her. It wouldn't have made any difference who approached who because we had fantastic chemistry right away

If he likes you, you initiating convo with him won't change anything. Plus guys don't reject women too often so you don't have much to lose anyways

July 9, 2012

^

It has nothing to do with guy or girl. She wants him to initiate because previously when SHE did, he rejected her. She doesn't want this to repeat, so she wants HIM to initiate otherwise she won't know for sure if he is interested or if he is rebounding because she's making herself convenient.

July 9, 2012

I think she wants to see if he likes her enough to initiate, regardless if he is scared or nervous or whatever.

If he initiates contact, then it shows the OP that he likes her enough to overcome his shyness or fears or whatnot. If she initiates, she makes it that much easier for him, and I don't think she wants to pave that road for him.

She wants him to pave it himself. I totally get it though. You want to see how much the guy actually likes you. After all, you see how the women who are "easily available" are often used and abused simply because men saw the opportunity.

OP doesn't want to make an opportunity. She wants the guy to do it because that's how much he likes her (if he does).

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

July 9, 2012

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

lol

I'm not surprised.

July 9, 2012

^

It has nothing to do with guy or girl. She wants him to initiate because previously when SHE did, he rejected her. She doesn't want this to repeat, so she wants HIM to initiate otherwise she won't know for sure if he is interested or if he is rebounding because she's making herself convenient.

Nevermind... I just realized you were a female. You weren't white knighting her. You were simply being a normal female, with the whole "sit back and let him do it all thing... and prove his love like in the movies"

And like brahmabull117 said, it doesn't matter who initiates first.

July 9, 2012

lol

I'm not surprised.

I'm telling you from a guy's perspective that everything you said in that post is nonsense. I would never assume a woman is a whore just because she approached me first. I wouldn't treat it any differently than if I approached her and it wouldn't make it any less likely for me to take her seriously

I think you're just working very very hard to rationalize your fear of rejection

July 9, 2012

If I read? She just said that she "doesn't want to wear the pants again". Hmm... I'm pretty sure that meant something like, "I don't want to be the initiator, because that's for men". But, I guess that had nothing to do with gender. Funny, how guys will say anything when brown nosing and whiteknighting.

I didn't know that it was offensive to expect a man to "wear the pants" sometimes.

That's okay hunny. Here's a tampon.

July 9, 2012

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Yeah, come on. Look at your signature. WIFE = what?

July 9, 2012

I'm telling you from a guy's perspective that everything you said in that post is nonsense. I would never assume a woman is a whore just because she approached me first. I wouldn't treat it any differently than if I approached her and it wouldn't make it any less likely for me to take her seriously

I think you're just working very very hard to rationalize your fear of rejection

They are. They're just in denial. That's 3 males now, that came in to give their point of view, yet the insecure OP and her insecure leopard would rather ignore how to get a man..... coming from 3 men.

The sad part is: the OP's friend has the best advice, but insecurities won't prevent that advice from being used.

I hope to god OP's friend bags the guy. She sounds like an awesome chick who doesn't sit around and rationalize insecurity (fear of rejection) with nonsense.

July 9, 2012

So, this guy that I had very strong feelings for in college (which was 4 years ago now!!!) just friended me on a social networking site.

If he asked me out, I'd see him in a heartbeat. However, I am insistent that he initiates contact with me and asks me out. My best girl friend thinks I should reach out to him first though, as an ice breaker. I disagree with her.

Back story is: when I first got to college, said guy asked me out. I had a boyfriend, said no. Two semesters later, I was single. We ended up in class together. I asked him out...turns out he was in a relationship. So, he said no. The flirtations, however, constantly continued, to the point of frustration and anger on both of our parts sometimes. I have not kept in contact with this guy. Neither of us ever viewed the other as a "friend," since we were both attracted to one another.

Now, he just requested me online out of the blue, and I find out through the grapevine that he is recently single. I accepted his request, so we are now friends.

Do I want him to talk to me? Yes. Do I want him to ask me out? Yes.

However, the next time I have a boyfriend, I don't want to wear the pants in the relationship. I want to feel wanted. I feel like it's honestly his job to initiate the conversation with me, and show me why he felt the need to friend me.

So...what do you think...let him start a convo with me (and not get ahead of myself), or seem super eager and start a convo with him (when the last "event" of our relationship was him turning me down)?

Any advice is appreciated.

You should be happy and eternally grateful to this guy for taking time out of his hardworking days to even bother with you. So yes, you ought to go and ask him out fast and be very super eager about doing so.

July 9, 2012

OP, if you want to wait for him to initiate, then wait for him.

Keep in mind that the advice you are getting here are from men who b*tch and moan on a forum instead of actually having relationships (and then play gender wars because they need an excuse for not "wearing the pants").

Keep me updated on how it goes

July 9, 2012

I didn't know that it was offensive to expect a man to "wear the pants" sometimes.

That's okay hunny. Here's a tampon.

I guess that's why you have 200 posts on a dating website within like 2 months. You suck with men, don't know what you're talking about, and when push comes to shove, you're not equals, you're not independent, you're not strong...

you're just an insecure coward, lol.

OP's friend >>>>> you + OP

July 9, 2012

I didn't know that it was offensive to expect a man to "wear the pants" sometimes.

That's okay hunny. Here's a tampon.

Other thing I was going to add here is that it's very possible that the guy could have more "sure" options where he doesn't feel like there's any chance of rejection there

Guys will often go for the lesser attractive option that's more of a sure thing rather than risk rejection. That's why I tell you "who initiates what" really means nothing. There's a million reasons for why a guy wouldn't contact a girl and there's no point in analyzing it

My best advice would be give it a little time and then contact him when you feel time is right. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain

July 9, 2012

I'm telling you from a guy's perspective that everything you said in that post is nonsense. I would never assume a woman is a whore just because she approached me first. I wouldn't treat it any differently than if I approached her and it wouldn't make it any less likely for me to take her seriously

I think you're just working very very hard to rationalize your fear of rejection

I don't mean whore. I mean...less valuable, since I was too eager. My last boyfriend was a genius. Deep thinker, insanely intelligent, not at all shallow...and I initiated the relationship with him. I also led him a lot in the relationship--just day to day things.

What happened? I ended up becoming an almost mother-like figure to him, the sex dwindled to nothing, and his friends started calling him out on him taking advantage of me and asking me why I date him.

And, I am afraid of rejection--with this guy, this time. But, I obviously wasn't afraid in the past, since I did ask him out. I give a lot in my relationships, but I also want to receive from the next guy I date.

July 9, 2012

Other thing I was going to add here is that it's very possible that the guy could have more "sure" options where he doesn't feel like there's any chance of rejection there

Guys will often go for the lesser attractive option that's more of a sure thing rather than risk rejection. That's why I tell you "who initiates what" really means nothing. There's a million reasons for why a guy wouldn't contact a girl and there's no point in analyzing it

My best advice would be give it a little time and then contact him when you feel time is right. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain

That's what I'm thinking. What if he's throwing spaghetti against the wall and seeing what sticks? What if he's contacting several girls and seeing who's the easiest? That's my most major reservation.

And I do agree with you. I do agree I have to go with my gut and that there is no harm in being friendly. I just can't "jump on it."

July 9, 2012

OP, if you want to wait for him to initiate, then wait for him.

Keep in mind that the advice you are getting here are from men who b*tch and moan on a forum instead of actually having relationships (and then play gender wars because they need an excuse for not "wearing the pants").

Keep me updated on how it goes

Yeah OP. Ignore your friend and 3 men. Just be like Leopard.... someone who has no life outside of these forums with 200 posts in only around 2 months because when push comes to shove, just sit around and hope for the best.

And that's exactly why she's where she's at... 200 posts at 2 months on a dating advice forum as the gender who doesn't even need to do/be anything to get a man.

You can hate me OP, and you can be an insecure coward like leopard.... but you know your friend gave the best advice

July 9, 2012

Yeah OP. Ignore your friend and 3 men. Just be like Leopard.... someone who has no life outside of these forums with 200 posts in only around 2 months because when push comes to shove, just sit around and hope for the best.

And that's exactly why she's where she's at... 200 posts at 2 months on a dating advice forum as the gender who doesn't even need to do/be anything to get a man.

You can hate me OP, and you can be an insecure coward like leopard.... but you know your friend gave the best advice

Ok, you're acting like you know my friend. She has cheated on multiple boyfriends (I've never done that), and she has been in several relationships where she's been hit by men (I haven't).

So...her advice is good?

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