StrangeBehaviors Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Been in No Contact after the end of a relationship for about a month. I do not want to reconcile in any way with the person. Good luck to them and all that, just have no reason or desire to go back there. So I will not be initiating communication. Question: In your opinion, would you, or should I, answer if they call, email or make contact? Reason I ask is I've read that many say don't because it puts you back here or there and starts a person's healing all over again. However, I am fine and won't be going back. And more importantly, I don't play games. Period. Anyone calls or emails, I respond in a reasonable amount of time. I don't delay responding to personal people or in business to make someone think this or that. That's games and I don't have the time and patience for that.
Svet74 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 well if you dont want them back then i would not bother replying
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 well if you dont want them back then i would not bother replying Thanks. That just seems childish and immature to me though. (No offense toward your opinion at all.) Seems like a gamey behavior done by people in high-school and college romance years. I'm past that. If someone wants to say hello, what's up, I'm sorry, how you doin', I hate you, whatever....doesn't effect me to respond. If they push for something more or whatever else, I can respectfully decline. If they want to tell me about their new relationship, life or something else, I don't care. If it takes too much of my time or energy, I'll just tell them.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Thanks. That just seems childish and immature to me though. (No offense toward your opinion at all.) Seems like a gamey behavior done by people in high-school and college romance years. I'm past that. It is.....
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Thought I would throw this back up once more for any experiences or opinions. Right now, hovering around less than 2% response. Thanks.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Thought I would throw this back up once more for any experiences or opinions. Right now, hovering around less than 2% response. Thanks. It really boils down to what YOU are comfortable with, because every circumstance is different. We can advise you all day, but really, it's your choice. Take whatever actions you feel are required....if she calls, do what you need to do. There is no "right answer" in these situations. If she calls tomorrow, you'll REALLY wanna answer, right? So do it...If she calls in 6 months, you may be over it to the point where you are able to just ignore it. If my ex called me (5 months after breakup) I'd answer, be polite, and then ask her exactly what she wants. Of course, if she had called me a month after the breakup, I'd probably have begged, and cried, etc. It all comes down to whatever your heart wants to do...and the things is, your actions are gonna have little impact on what she does at this point. Your actions are not gonna push her away, or bring her back unless SHE wants to. Your actions are irrelevant to her right now. What I mean is, if she calls, and still sees you in a positive light, and you answer, she isn't just gonna say "OMG, you answered my call?? **** you, don't ever talk to me again"....conversely, if you answer and she hates you, she isn't gonna say "OMG, you answered, I love you!!". Edited July 9, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
flitzanu Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 you're pretending there are "rules" that you must reply to someone if they contact you, and you DON'T. it's not a game if you're not playing it. if you don't want to speak to your ex, and they contact you, then don't reply. you ignore telemarketers right? you aren't required to speak to them...and you're not required to speak to your ex. 1
LogicallyIllogical Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 It is..... Don't listen to this guy. He's convinced that NC is a "game" and isn't necessary. He gives ridonkulous advice and ignores all advice from others, which is why he's stuck in a vicious cycle of convincing himself his ex is going through a "phase" and will eventually come back to him, although all evidence points to the contrary. Read some of his posts/threads. You'll see what I mean... Want some real advice? Your ex is an ex for a reason. I don't think you have to be in NC with your ex for the rest of your life, but a decent amount of time should pass before you speak again, just to ensure that your old feelings die down. If he/she did make contact somehow, would you be nervous? Have clammy hands? Start feel some sort of panic? Overanalyze his/her intentions? If you're honest and answer yes to any of those questions, you're not ready. If you wouldn't be bothered by contact from your ex, go ahead and answer, but if you were hurt at any point by this person during the breakup(which was only a month ago), you're just putting yourself at an unnecessary risk.
Tree_Salmon Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Don't listen to this guy. He's convinced that NC is a "game" and isn't necessary. He gives ridonkulous advice and ignores all advice from others, which is why he's stuck in a vicious cycle of convincing himself his ex is going through a "phase" and will eventually come back to him, although all evidence points to the contrary. Read some of his posts/threads. You'll see what I mean... Want some real advice? Your ex is an ex for a reason. I don't think you have to be in NC with your ex for the rest of your life, but a decent amount of time should pass before you speak again, just to ensure that your old feelings die down. If he/she did make contact somehow, would you be nervous? Have clammy hands? Start feel some sort of panic? Overanalyze his/her intentions? If you're honest and answer yes to any of those questions, you're not ready. If you wouldn't be bothered by contact from your ex, go ahead and answer, but if you were hurt at any point by this person during the breakup(which was only a month ago), you're just putting yourself at an unnecessary risk. This is true. Playing games will only cause some weird results that wont give you anything. Just move on and worry about yourself. The best attitude to have is to be confident in everything you do. Confidence is the key to everything. I replied to all of my old ex's messages and she wanted me worse than ever. i didnt have to ignore anything to grab her attention i just answered with confidence because i believed what i was saying. Playing mind games only confuses them, sometimes they mistake it for confidence but when they start having longer conversations with you they will realized you were just playing a game. Find yourself, be happy by yourself, improve yourself and then see how you feel about this. I bet you wont care as much as you thought.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Don't listen to this guy. He's convinced that NC is a "game" and isn't necessary. He gives ridonkulous advice and ignores all advice from others, which is why he's stuck in a vicious cycle of convincing himself his ex is going through a "phase" and will eventually come back to him, although all evidence points to the contrary. Read some of his posts/threads. You'll see what I mean... How did you manage to type all that with your head inserted so far into your rectum?? Pull it out, and look around. The world isn't the dark black cloudy place you think/wish it is. Lighten up. Don't be so bitter. The world is a nice place to be Can you explain how telling someone to do what they want is...."redonkulous advice"? FWIW, I've never ignored anyone elses advice, nor am I stuck in any kind of cycle...Nor did I say she was going to come back, I said I hope she does....I tihnk you may have me mixed up with a different poster. Edited July 9, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
ihateslowjams Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 If you know you don't ever want to reconcile, then it shouldn't phase you to respond to her. There isn't a rule to follow in your own life to make you happy. Just be yourself. If you're the type of guy to respond in a timely manner, do it. If you want to respond 3 days later, do it. Point is, you're not supposed to care how she sees you're timely response is like. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. Im the same way like you. I respond asap and hate it when people don't respond to me within an hour or 2. Its like, you really don't have your phone next to you in this day and age??? 1
Gulf-Delta Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 If you know you don't ever want to reconcile, then it shouldn't phase you to respond to her. There isn't a rule to follow in your own life to make you happy. Just be yourself. If you're the type of guy to respond in a timely manner, do it. If you want to respond 3 days later, do it. Point is, you're not supposed to care how she sees you're timely response is like. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. Im the same way like you. I respond asap and hate it when people don't respond to me within an hour or 2. Its like, you really don't have your phone next to you in this day and age??? Exactly. "But wait, NC is the ONLY way too go...treat her like she treated you, be an *******, derp, derp"
JesseMartin Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I do not want to reconcile in any way with the person. Good luck to them and all that, just have no reason or desire to go back there. So I will not be initiating communication. Question: In your opinion, would you, or should I, answer if they call, email or make contact? Reason I ask is I've read that many say don't because it puts you back here or there and starts a person's healing all over again. However, I am fine and won't be going back. And more importantly, I don't play games. Period. Anyone calls or emails, I respond in a reasonable amount of time. I don't delay responding to personal people or in business to make someone think this or that. That's games and I don't have the time and patience for that. Hey! Going through a break up has many similarities, both metaphorically as well as physiologically, to a drug addiction. No contact is the equivalent of kicking your addiction by going cold turkey. I think it's the best thing to do in most cases, because something as little as a text message can set off a whole chain of emotional responses, which subsequently cause you to relapse into full contact or to an earlier stage in your recovery. That being said, no contact is an especially valuable step to take for those who have problems setting boundaries themselves. People that have to go cold turkey because they can't handle anything in between. I was one of those people, and I think most people are better off following that advice. You, on the other hand sound like you're very much in touch with your boundaries, and what type of person you are when it comes to interpersonal contact. In your case I would say, stick with your values. Ask yourself what your strongest self would do, and do that. Beware however, she might be unstable when she tries to contact you. Your 'coolness' with the situation might set her off. Just remember, don't engage in any emotionally heated conversations. Always choose the high ground, keep things civil and rational. Let me know how it goes
Author StrangeBehaviors Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the responses. Just interested in others' opinion vs. what is recommended in the majority on this forum. I didn't go and search out GS's posts. He's probably like anyone else, sometimes has great thoughts and advice, sometimes not so much, and sometimes in the middle. What he says here doesn't seem to stray much into some crazy thought in my opinion. Everyone so far kind of reinforces what I would do anyway. I'm fine if they contact and fine if not. Gulf says it's what YOU are comfortable with. Flitz says it's not a game if you're not playing it. That's a real good example of how I am and how I was trying to relate to NC. Logically kind of re-states what Gulf says with some good examples. Tree makes it clear to be confident in who you are without need for any input from others for justification of that. And SlowJam seems like me and kind of sums it up. Be yourself and responding & the timeframe of the response doesn't matter. I'm confident in who I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. Any ex contacting me will not change that or put me in some negative position. Guess that's why I was asking 'cause I could not relate to all of the "NC no matter what, ever." And to be fair, there are some areas that say only after you are healed to a certain point, then some small contact might be ok. However, you should wait x amount of time before responding. But that seems more for the fragile, weak, and people wanting to continue some pitiful game. If someone wants to interpret an adult response to something in a timely manner in a negative way, then I won't be spending much energy towards them. Got too many other things to do in life! Thanks everyone. Edited July 10, 2012 by StrangeBehaviors
Samilia Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Well depends, do you want to keep this person in your life? If no, then just let them know so, you aren't interested, good bye, have a good life. If you don't care either way and aren't affected by it, then why not. NC is for the people who needs to move on, or who want their ex back (it happens). But it's typically to be able to heal, seems like you're fine!
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