hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Say the reason you and your ex broke up was because of you. You had anger issues. You want your ex back but the ex left you. There is a small child involved too. After months of the ex being very resentful, the ex finally starts being nice. You've gone to counseling and read books and practiced what you've learned. The ex also tells you that they can't get back into the relationship right now. Also the ex isn't seeing or interested in dating. Question... How long would you keep trying to get the ex back or at least keep trying to show the ex you've changed.
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 You start doing the 180 and hope they see the difference. And if they don't then the 180 prepares you to move on anyway. So, done and done. 3
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 How long tho? I've been 180'd for a good 2.5-3 months. I know that's not long enough to show change. I've got 8 months to a year in my head. Wondering what others think is a long enough time though.
ScienceGal Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 you put in as much time as you feel is worth it, without ever becoming impatient or resentful to your ex. A year sounds like a good goal.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 you put in as much time as you feel is worth it, without ever becoming impatient or resentful to your ex. A year sounds like a good goal. Sounds good. I'm not feeling impatient or resentful at all. I feel I owe it to her, but at the same time there has to come a point to throw in the towel.
Chi townD Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Ahhh.... so hypothecial question is actual personal application! Look, if you were a douche rocket for a long time in your relationship and now you've learned from your mistakes and you've made massive personal changes and are willing to stick by them. Then, give it time. She doesn't trust that these changes are permenent. She thinks that you're doing it for show and if she cracks and breaks down that wall. You're going to revert back to the douche rocket. You have to prove that these changes are permanent, and that's going to take time.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Ahhh.... so hypothecial question is actual personal application! Look, if you were a douche rocket for a long time in your relationship and now you've learned from your mistakes and you've made massive personal changes and are willing to stick by them. Then, give it time. She doesn't trust that these changes are permenent. She thinks that you're doing it for show and if she cracks and breaks down that wall. You're going to revert back to the douche rocket. You have to prove that these changes are permanent, and that's going to take time. Haha. You got me. So if you were the douche rocket how long would you do it. Trust me man I'm not reverting back or doing it for show. I actually read all kinds of material til like 4 in the morning sometimes. A true douche rocket would do just the counseling and brag about the improvements. Don't get me wrong, I was a douche rocket lots of times, but I was also very caring and honesty is my strongest trait. Anyway, thanks for the reply. Ps. I've never heard someone say douche rocket before. I like it!
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I can kind of relate. Like others have said do it until you think it's no longer worth it. Don't let yourself lose out on too much for want of someone else. And I agree that chances are she is going to wait to see if you revert back to your old self. But if you persist with it and stay true then she will see in time. Just be prepared for her to try and "ignite the flame" so to speak. She might do things you dont like deliberately to see how you handle it. So be ready to keep that douche rocket from taking off Good luck.
Svet74 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 i would say about a good year. My ex started to see that i changed after about 6 months. and his feelings returned. But i was acting too desperate in a way. He basically knew i wanted him back so sort of lost interest. its been a year now and things reversed. im pretty much in control. crazy how things change
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I can kind of relate. Like others have said do it until you think it's no longer worth it. Don't let yourself lose out on too much for want of someone else. And I agree that chances are she is going to wait to see if you revert back to your old self. But if you persist with it and stay true then she will see in time. Just be prepared for her to try and "ignite the flame" so to speak. She might do things you dont like deliberately to see how you handle it. So be ready to keep that douche rocket from taking off Good luck. There has definitely been times where I would've gotten mad in the past. I've kept my cool every time. I feel as though I'm not an angry person anymore. No more road rage! I'm confident my douche rocket won't go off anymore.
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Hey good for you mate I wish you all the best. I like to think my ex is testing the waters. I too got mad a lot durign our relationship. But I left her too.. And now Im trying to get her back. I think that she would be scared for getting hurt again. She has done things like sent txts "meant for someone else" and pocket dialed me when she's with a guy friend. I would like to think this is her doing the same thing. Like testing me. I've been pretty good with it every time. Just smiled and said its all good accidents happen. If she's testing the water just keep reassuring her it's safe to swim
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Hey good for you mate I wish you all the best. I like to think my ex is testing the waters. I too got mad a lot durign our relationship. But I left her too.. And now Im trying to get her back. I think that she would be scared for getting hurt again. She has done things like sent txts "meant for someone else" and pocket dialed me when she's with a guy friend. I would like to think this is her doing the same thing. Like testing me. I've been pretty good with it every time. Just smiled and said its all good accidents happen. If she's testing the water just keep reassuring her it's safe to swim Sorry to hear that man. How long you gonna try to win her back before you throw in the towel? In my situation we actually hang out and see each other cuz of our child. But she invited me to hang with her on her day with him. She came over and we had dinner and drinks and played rockband. We even talked in my truck for 2 hours when I dropped her off. We went to the park today as well. I know there is no other guy in the picture because it's been over 4 months and she's still adamant about not wanting to date. I hate these mixed signals. Hot and cold. Good luck to you to Alexander... Let me know whats working in your situation. 1
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 So.. Anybody else have a specific timeframe they'd show change/fight for their ex?
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Well in my case we hung out for 3 months then I scared her off and she put a stop to it. She said she had no feelings and wanted nothing but later admitted to being scared and confused. We have only been talking again recently, and only hung out once. But I'm taking her to the movies tomorrow night and seeing where it goes. I know what you mean with mixed signals. Some days she just seems so distant and sends 1 word txts then other days tells me she cant wait to see me. She's possibly just confused is all. And scared which I understand. These things take time. I'm going about it on a much smaller scale to you in regards to time. We have no children or anything so. My plan is to take her out tomorrow and have a great time with her, then distance myself intentionally straight after. I wont contact her or make plans with her after tomorrow night. But I'll talk to her when she talks to me. That way I'm giving her space to miss me and leaving it on a high so she remembers how good I made her feel. But I wont be pestering her to see me. So if she values our time together and misses me she will contact me. And then if she insists on spending more time with me then Ill discuss where we want it to go. I dont want to scare her off again and try and get any answers before she is ready to give them.
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 But as for time, I'm only going to persist until it becomes obvious theres no hope. OR until my feelings come back too strong and I start to hurt again. Because I can tell from spending time with her that its already starting to bring back feelings I had fought hard to overcome. I wont let it get unhealthy. I suppose by distancing myself Im safeguarding my own feelings. Making it so she is the one who asks to see me.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I absolutely hate one word texts! But I love the have a great day at work texts. I agree with you Alexander about doing it until it gets unhealthy. I know I have my emotions under control around her, even tho I just want to hold her and kiss her. I usually have my happy face on and not my sappy face. With the setbacks that come with this type of situation I think it's a good idea to have a minimum timeframe set in your head. I've wanted to give up many times but I keep telling myself do it for at least 8 months(enough time for her to see lasting change) or until she starts banging another dude.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 i would say about a good year. My ex started to see that i changed after about 6 months. and his feelings returned. But i was acting too desperate in a way. He basically knew i wanted him back so sort of lost interest. its been a year now and things reversed. im pretty much in control. crazy how things change If she ever comes around that would be the greatest gift to our child. I think if I was casually dating someone I'd drop them in a second to have my family back. I won't be casually dating anytime soon tho. I've got too much self imorovemt to do during my free time. Hearing you say this has reassured my decision to keep on truckin. Thanks
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Same, I just reassure myself that she's having a scared moment. And she wouldnt be scared if it wasnt important to her. In a way.. I'm okay as long as I am in control. When I start feeling like my emotions are taking control of my willpower then I'll start distancing myself even further, or perhaps walking away. But I'll pursue answers before then. Yes its a different situation for you, much more serious having a child involved. 8 - 12 months sounds good. By banging another dude do you mean seeing someone? Or just sleeping with them? Because everyone has needs and feels lonely sometimes. Can you honestly say, if the situation arrose and hasnt already, for you to have a casual on nighter with a girl to get your mind off of things and have a temporary break from it all that you wouldnt take it? It doesnt mean you arent still thinking about or connected to someone in your life. I know I've had sexual encounters with more than one girl since my ex, recently too. But I still love her with everything I have and would do anything for her. It's just a time out in my eyes.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Hmm. I tell myself now I wouldn't have sex with anyone right now. I'm pretty good about that stuff. If I was drunk who knows though. I guess it wouldnt be a deal breaker but if I found out she had sex with someone that would make me get emotional and I'd probably do something stupid. I know how she is when it comes to sex and she wouldn't just give it up for some random guy. So if she did that I'd lose a bit of respect for her. If she was having sex with someone it would be because she's emotionally invested in them, at which point I'd have to just accept she's moved on. At one point several months ago I "saw" on facebook she was having a conversation with a guy she knew from 10 years ago. He basically stated he wants to get with her, but she declined him and didn't want to lead him on. That's how together my ex is. So if she's sleeping with someone it's because most likely she's into him.
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Ah okay well then disregard everything I said up there.. I hope everything works out how you'd like mate. Keep us all posted with what happens
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Great... Now I can stop thinking if my ex is gonna bang another dude.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I hope everything works out how you'd like mate. Keep us all posted with what happens I actually have a thread started. I usually post there to update or just rant. Check it out sometime. It's pretty long tho.
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 And now I feel like a D***head. Lol. I had a couple of tricks to get me passed those thoughts, but this was when I was sticking to NC and didnt think I was ever getting back with her. So they might not work in our current circumstances. The only tip of real relevance I can give you would be to hit the gym. Not only does it increase health and fitness but it decreases depression. The reason this helped me with these thoughts is because I accepted that I could not control who she may get with in the future, but I can make steps towards guaranteeing she will be downgrading. I've come so far as far as maturity and emotional awareness (much thanks to Loveshack) but also I work on making my body more appealing and aesthetic. So yeah if she doesnt get back with me she will find someone else. But with hard work and discipline I know I'll be wiser and better looking than whoever he may be. Like Big bang theory, how Leonard is intimidated and depressed because Penny's ex has this godlike body, but even better for me because I'm not a muscle bound idiot. Im a muscle bound man with a heart of gold. And thats F***ing hard to find according to women in this day an age. It's not much, but hopefully it helps. The only other thing I did was think of myself finding someone better looking and nicer than my ex. But given our situations thats completely irrelevant.
AlexanderJames Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I actually have a thread started. I usually post there to update or just rant. Check it out sometime. It's pretty long tho. I'll have a look, get a bit more involved in your story. Then maybe I can give better advice. Haha dont worry buddy I know how hard it is to vent and keep it short. But the same goes for you if you ever have a spare month or 3, perhaps if you find yourself hibernating and want to indulge in a lengthy read have a look at my profile. I've got 10 - 12 threads explaining my situation step by step in heaps of detail haha.. Some good advice to cater for most peoples needs I think.
Author hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 No worries man. I'll get over the thought. I don't go to the gym, but I work out at home. I know she notices cuz she mentioned my arms looking bigger. Thing is though, she works in a gym and probably sees big guys all day long. I wouldn't compare to a workout king. The thing that will help my situation is continuing being the best father and really working on my behavior. The only card I have as for her getting a downgrade is being a better man than the next guy.
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