You think breaking up is right for us?

[azzurri_82]

Hi,

 

Newbie here, thanks for all advice in advance. Spoke with my friends about this situation many times an no one seems to be able to give me sound advice, so find myself here.

 

This situation has been torturing me for the past two weeks, but to understand why I think I need to give you a little background on my situation:

 

I'm a very lucky guy. I have what many people might class as a great life.

 

I'm a 29-year old entrepeneur whos small business is fairly successful, and have managed to get myself a bit of financial security in fairly uncertain economic times (not a millionaire or anything, but I'm doing ok).

 

My girlfriend (of 3 years+) is what I would describe as my "perfect woman". She is a wonderful, caring person whom I have so much affection for. She is absolutely beautiful, and "ticks all of my boxes".

 

However, the past two years have almost completely destroyed our relationship. Every time we've argued or had problems, I've blamed it on the fact I'm stressed out to the max due to the business startup, which has pretty much taken up all of my time.

 

Every problem we've had since we moved in together (after having been in a relationship for 9 months before work/location changes meant we had to move in together or the relationship would have finished), I've blamed on some other thing.

 

For the first time in two years, my business has employed people to take most of the workload from me, meaning I've had the time to properly think for the first time in a long time. The business has exhausted me, both physically and mentally, and I feel like a shadow/diluted version of myself.

 

I've started questioning "the point" of everything recently, and the stress from the business has manifested itself physically with me through a poor diet/weight gain, stress (developed muscle twitches), feelings of being "trapped" and wanting to run away from absolutely everything, including my relationship.

 

It has been a pretty intense couple of years, and it has taken its toll on our relationship to the point that we don't do anything together any more. I feel like it is damaged beyond repair, and that it's my fault. I don't have the energy or the inclination to improve the situation, and like the time I have now has shown me that myself and my partner have very little in common (or perhaps I've changed in the last couple of years, I don't know).

 

She resents my business, and we just don't seem to get on very well as friends, like we used to. Her domestic habits/cleaning (or lack of it) really annoy me, as I like things to be very tidy around our apartment (which is why 4/5 months ago we moved to a bigger place, thinking THAT might solve "the problem").

 

I'm a goal-setter and problem solver, so I'm always trying to think my way through situations, and figure my way out of tough spots. I don't/can't see a way out other than breaking up.

 

I think that I really need time out from our relationship to concentrate on myself and my health, without having to worry about someone else on a day-to-day basis. I think I need time to rediscover the social aspect of my own life/my friends, without the pressure of the relationship.

 

I don't spend a lot of time with her friends, nor her with mine, due to the fact our lives are spread out over three cities. She is not the most confident person, so hasn't really adopted a social circle in our new city, instead focusing all on me and our life together.

 

I've found myself recently with a desire for other women (last month or so), and one woman in particular, but I have no real desire, nor would I, actually cheat on my partner. I realise it's just escapism, something "new" and/or exciting, but this takes up more and more of my thoughts recently, which makes you start to wonder if the relationship is right?

 

My physical and mental health has taken such a battering over the past two years, I feel like now "somethings got to give" to relieve the pressure, and I think now it would be a huge relief to come home to an empty apartment and not have to deal with her disappointment, or petty arguments, or the tense "there's something wrong here but neither of us is willing to say anything" atmosphere that permeates our lives.

 

I've come to the conclusion that since I haven't been able to concentrate on how our relationship has developed over the last couple of years, and now I CAN analyse things, that suddenly all of our issues have caught up with me all at once, and perhaps the whole thing has been a bit of a sham?

 

All the things I used to blame on me not having enough time or being tired/stressed out are now staring me straight in the face, and I'm left with the desire to just let the relationship end, in the hope that it helps my physical/mental health, and a few months down the line I'll have sorted myself out to the extent we can either start afresh having learned from MY mistakes, or decide to go our separate ways for good.

 

I realise I've just brain-spewed all of this out on to the page, so I thank everyone sincerely who is able to offer me any advice.

[RogerWallace111]

I can identify with a lot of what you're feeling. Came to a similar point with my ex and decided to "end" it, though we still hung out and had sex on a somewhat regular basis. I felt lots of pressure as she was into the homey, relationship-focused life, and didn't have many close friends. I was stressed from school and then work, sleep deprived, etc. She also wasn't much of a cleaner, and as a pretty neat type, like you, I found that irritating. Her nagging/neediness was getting to me, and I also started looking at other girls wondering what could potentially be... So I broke up with her, but we tried to do a "friends w benefits" thing, as she insisted she couldn't stomach the thought of f*cking anyone new. It was basically just an unofficial, downsized relationship though, as we were still loving with eachother and talking regularly. In hindsight, if she hadn't proposed the "friendship", and I'd actually felt the loss, I'm pretty sure I would have gone back to her within a period of weeks. Anyway, for me, as things since deteriorated and we are truly are broken up (got back together officially for a few months before she ended it), I've realized a lot that I was blind to in the moment.

 

Not suggesting that you would necessarily share these sorts of feelings, but: I saw that she was never the real cause of any of my stress, though I took it out on her at times by distancing myself, etc. And that if I had approached things differently, I could have actually allowed her to be my stress relief. Just a classic case of taking someone for granted. I saw that I loved her deeply, she did me, and that her "neediness" was really just frustration with my failure to fully reciprocate the love she was trying to give me.

 

All that being said, if you're really feeling the way you are, and it's not just frustration w/ aspects of the relationship, the textbook advice would be to end it. If you're an easy going type of guy when it comes to women, it could be helpful to your physical/mental state- but if you get f*cked up over her, it could potentially make things worse. I've gotten even less sleep and more stressed in the wake of my ****, though I exercise a lot. I myself thought it would be a relief in some way, but instead it turned out to be an even greater stressor. The taking a break thing sounds like it might be a good idea, though it is rough for both parties, as she'll be wondering if youre really coming back, and you'll be in some sort of limbo. Plus you could possibly lose her if you did indeed realize you want her. It's hard to say, as you still feel in many ways that she's your "perfect woman", but also are looking at the potential benefits of being single. Some people will tell you that the moment you think of other girls, end it out of respect for her. But that **** is bound to happen to any uncastrated male. So, I don't know. I'm not the type who would propose a black and white "do this" type of thing as I don't know you.

 

Think about how much she means to you, what the real causes of your stress, etc are, and if feeling the "pressure" of the relationship might just be a response to that stress. Cause you could find yourself without her, enduring the same ****, only to see that you could have made a point to revitalize what you two had and made it a helpful thing...

[azzurri_82]

Thanks for your advice, much appreciated.

 

I've started second-guessing myself to the point that it's driving me mad. Am I lusting after another woman because I want to end it with my girlfriend, or is my wanting to end it the reason for the lusting.

 

I'm just not sure about how I feel, and I feel like I need to let the full thing dissolve in the hope that we find our true feelings for one another. If we break up and don't want to get back together, then it was the right thing to do.

 

If we break up and DO get back together, then surely there is a reason for that, or is that just terribly flawed logic?

[Samilia]

It is pretty clear to me that you want out of the relationship. Guilt is probably holding you back, or fear of being alone. Either way you said it yourself "I think that I really need time out from our relationship to concentrate on myself and my health, without having to worry about someone else".

 

You also refer to desire toward other women, which makes me guess that you guys don't have sex anymore. The absence of sex is a red flag for me that something is wrong. Not saying that it can't be fixed though, depending on the reason. But I could be wrong, maybe you guys still sleep together, you just keep an eye out for something else. Either way, you're lacking something.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty about leaving your partner, however I think you should break up properly, be honest with her (no "I need a break" kind of deal") and give her time to move out maybe? Anyway you know best about your situation. I just hate seeing people end up here with question such as "he told me he needs space".

 

Go to the gym, drop the bad eating habits, allow yourself one indulgence (I love chocolate) and keep everything else that's bad for you at bay. You will get back on track in no time!

 

Good luck, I hope you find yourself happy and healthy soon

Edited July 9, 2012 by Samilia

[azzurri_82]

Thanks Samilia, your advice is much appreciated.

 

We do have sex, just not quite as much as we used to (but then, who has as much as you do in the first six months of any relationship?!).

 

You're right about me feeling incredibly guilty. I can hardly even speak to her at the moment, as I'd rather keep my mouth shut than lie to her. She knows something is not right with me, and is overcompensating by being a bit needy, which in turn makes me need alone time even more.

 

The guilt doesn't come from anything other than the fact that she relies so heavily on me for some things, I don't even know if she'd know how to pay her household bills or taxes etc.

 

The whole situation is complicated by the fact she owes me around $4,000 for when I cleared her credit card bills, and she has been paying me $400 a month to clear this in the next year. We're also supposed to be attending a wedding in the next couple of weeks and the thought of that is filling me with complete dread. It seems so cruel to do it and send her on her own.

[Chi townD]

Thanks Samilia, your advice is much appreciated.

 

We do have sex, just not quite as much as we used to (but then, who has as much as you do in the first six months of any relationship?!).

 

You're right about me feeling incredibly guilty. I can hardly even speak to her at the moment, as I'd rather keep my mouth shut than lie to her. She knows something is not right with me, and is overcompensating by being a bit needy, which in turn makes me need alone time even more.

 

The guilt doesn't come from anything other than the fact that she relies so heavily on me for some things, I don't even know if she'd know how to pay her household bills or taxes etc.

 

The whole situation is complicated by the fact she owes me around $4,000 for when I cleared her credit card bills, and she has been paying me $400 a month to clear this in the next year. We're also supposed to be attending a wedding in the next couple of weeks and the thought of that is filling me with complete dread. It seems so cruel to do it and send her on her own.

 

 

Love how some folks come on here and list everything wrong with their relationship and then in one or two sentences, " OH! By the way, I'm totally hot for some other girl/guy."

 

The fact is, you listed all of your complaints and worries and things that are bugging you and I have a feeling we know more about what the problem is in your relationship than she does.

 

Is because you two are NOT COMMUNICATING! I mean, having a sit down, soul searching deep discussion! I mean you saying, " Hey, I'm not happy with the relationship! I feel this way or feel that way. We need to fix this or we need to end it. We should consider couples counseling!' THAT kind of talking. At least to try and find a happy median. I mean, you were happy with her once or else you wouldn't be with her in the first place. You two need to figure out where you two went off track!

[azzurri_82]

Hi Chi townD,

 

Thanks for your candor, but that's simply not true (the bit about you knowing more than her). She knows exactly how I feel about these things, having told her many times before about the aspects of our relationship which I'm not happy with (including parts that I could try harder with).

 

It's true that I haven't told her about my crush, but that's simply because I'm not convinced it's real, and that's it is simple escapism.

 

Everything else, I've told her many times before, and told her that many of these things could end our relationship is they are not sorted, but it seems neither of us has the willpower, or the desire, to make these things better/happen.

[Chi townD]

Then you're not communicating correctly with her. If at the end of the conversation she isn't either extremely motivated to make things right or at least formulated a game plan on corrective measures on how to fix this because she is about a hair away from truely losing you, then you didn't have the right talk.

 

And this is a relationship, there should be some give and take in this discussion. i.e. I don't like how YOU handle your money, I resent how YOU feel about my business, Don't list everything that you don't like about her or what she's doing. Present it as a problem and at least talk about some viable solutions. Because if you don't, then all you're doing is b*tching at her, and who wants to listen to that.

 

But, then you have to discuss what you're willing to change, what you're willing to do. What if she wants you to spend more time with her because you're TOO wrapped up in your business? Can you compromise? Find that happy median and meet half way? I mean, I just re-read your orginal post and for the two years you said there has been some strain, you make no mention of doing anything nice for her. NOT ONCE! There's plenty of stuff about how work takes up too much of your time and your stressed out and she contributes to that stress. You state that you are a problem solver and a goal setter? How come you can't work this issue?

 

I still strongly suggest couples counseling before you throw in the towel. I just don't like when people are ready to throw away something that could be really good without REALLY trying from BOTH parties. I don't mean to come across as "bashing" on you. I mean, if you put a true amount of effort into this relationship as you do in business and it still doesn't work for you. Then, oh well! It wasn't mean to be.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Chi townD

[KatZee]

I still strongly suggest couples counseling before you throw in the towel. I just don't like when people are ready to throw away something that could be really good without REALLY trying from BOTH parties. I don't mean to come across as "bashing" on you. I mean, if you put a true amount of effort into this relationship as you do in business and it still doesn't work for you. Then, oh well! It wasn't mean to be.

 

See, this is assuming that both people in the relationship WANT to put the work in. My ex and I had a (so I thought, great) relationship. But when things got rough, I was the ONLY person putting in the effort and wanting to try. All he did was coast along, stick his head in the sand, not communicate, and take advantage of everything. I would be the only one carrying the relationship. And then he finally ended it.

 

He cited "unhappiness" "it's a square peg and a round hole" and all this other sh*t. Meanwhile there was literally only ONE thing fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Communication. He was a liar. He never communicated, and if he DID on the rare occasion (I think I can count on one hand the number of times we actually had any sort of discussion about us, in three years) he would just blow smoke up my as$, say what he thought I wanted to hear. Never TRULY meant what he was saying, would say he would "try" and then did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

 

We could have had a great thing if he had an ounce of integrity, but he never put one minutes worth of effort into us, and I couldn't force him to. If someone doesn't have the motivation, or the desire to put the effort in, what good is therapy???

[RogerWallace111]

it sounds like you want to break up with her... i agree w/ chi that there should be some more to-the-point communication about yourguys' issues, but it seems like you don't even want that. and i agree it's sh*tty to throw away something that could be great (if she's really your "perfect girl") without really putting some effort into exploring the issues with eachother. you've said these things but i'm talking super assertively with a goal to really reach some conclusions. but if it doesn't feel like that's worth doing, you should tell her truth and finish it. she can still pay back the money she owes you with little to no real contact.

 

logic flawed or not, the idea that it will be a clear, serendipitous choice for both of you whether you would want to try again after a breakup is just unrealistic. you could decide it was the wrong choice, but she could end up hurt to the point she doesn't want to try again. or she could decide she still wants you and you'll have found you actually are happier single. and if you attempt to breakup with some voicing of the fact you might want to try again later, it'll be particularly f*cked up for her. waiting sucks. my ex told me she thought "maybe someday" we could work but I'm not clinging to that **** because when I did it was screwing with me heavily.

 

don't let guilt stop you if that's the main obstacle

Edited July 9, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[Blastoplast]

Communicate your feelings with her. My EX's biggest mistake with me was not communicating how she was feeling at the end. I knew something was off, and when I asked her she just ran from it like she has from all her other problems. You owe it to yourself AND your partner to at least have the talk, see what works out best for both of you.

[Samilia]

Thanks Samilia, your advice is much appreciated.

 

We do have sex, just not quite as much as we used to (but then, who has as much as you do in the first six months of any relationship?!).

 

You're right about me feeling incredibly guilty. I can hardly even speak to her at the moment, as I'd rather keep my mouth shut than lie to her. She knows something is not right with me, and is overcompensating by being a bit needy, which in turn makes me need alone time even more.

 

The guilt doesn't come from anything other than the fact that she relies so heavily on me for some things, I don't even know if she'd know how to pay her household bills or taxes etc.

 

The whole situation is complicated by the fact she owes me around $4,000 for when I cleared her credit card bills, and she has been paying me $400 a month to clear this in the next year. We're also supposed to be attending a wedding in the next couple of weeks and the thought of that is filling me with complete dread. It seems so cruel to do it and send her on her own.

 

Welcome.

 

I wouldn't tell her about your crush, it's unnecessary hurtful.

 

Money is just that.. money. Some things are worth more to me, like my peace of mind.

 

Ah sex.. yes.. after 6 months the fire isn't as bright, but it still has to be good.

 

I can rely on what you said about cleanlinesses, although for me it's more about sharing the tasks at home. I don't like flying solo when it comes to dishes or dirty laundry. I too want to be able to relax, and a messy house isn't relaxing.

 

I wouldn't stay with someone out of pity but I understand how you don't want to hurt her either. She will find a way to pay her bills, no worries. The number actually is right on it. Some of my friends pay.. what is the name of that place for your taxes? I don't even know, I do mine alone, but mine are easy. Anyway, she can find help there too.

 

I ask my mom sometimes when it comes to matter of the heart. She's 73 and witty as one can be, she's clever and honest enough to give me good advice, maybe you have the same kind of mother, could you talk to her? I know, it sounds crazy to some, but she really is source of good advice for me. Just an idea.

I find friends to be very often blind sighted by friendship.

 

Good luck, I can tell you're a kind man, I hope you find your way through all your current emotions.

Edited July 10, 2012 by Samilia

[azzurri_82]

Thanks Samilia.

 

I go from feeling one way to another. I've got an incredible amount of affection for her, I'm just not 100% sure we're compatible in the long-term, but you don't really think about things like that when you're blinded by the feelings that the early part of a relationship brings.

 

I have managed to contract some kind of throat infection in the last 36 hours, meaning that I've been unable to have the chat I want to with her last night, or most likely also for the next three days. I literally cannot talk at all today.

 

I'd love to speak to my mother about it, but unfortunately my mom loves my girlfriend a lot.

[azzurri_82]

She has realised we've been having the problems I discussed above for quite some time.

 

She actually suggested that she move out and we live apart again, she could move closer to her work 15/20 miles down the coast, and perhaps see me in the city once or twice per week, but more "quality time together".

 

Is this sort of thing workable? Can you take a step backwards in a relationship of this length and it succeed?

 

I wasn't sure at all before, since I reasoned that if we were going to be together long-term, we'd have to live together at some time in the future, and if we can't do it successfully now, then what will change in 2/3 years?

 

Her moving out to find her own place after two years of living together, us dating 2/3 nights a week for a couple of years, and a happy home life with house/kids 5-10 years down the line. Is this possible do you think?

[Samilia]

She has realised we've been having the problems I discussed above for quite some time.

 

She actually suggested that she move out and we live apart again, she could move closer to her work 15/20 miles down the coast, and perhaps see me in the city once or twice per week, but more "quality time together".

 

Is this sort of thing workable? Can you take a step backwards in a relationship of this length and it succeed?

 

I wasn't sure at all before, since I reasoned that if we were going to be together long-term, we'd have to live together at some time in the future, and if we can't do it successfully now, then what will change in 2/3 years?

 

Her moving out to find her own place after two years of living together, us dating 2/3 nights a week for a couple of years, and a happy home life with house/kids 5-10 years down the line. Is this possible do you think?

 

I think this is a great idea. It will help you figure out what you want.

 

I don't know if it's possible, the kids and the house.. maybe if the two of you really work on the issues that bother you? I'm sure there are things about you that she dislikes.

It seems that she is smart enough to have understood what was going on, or maybe she feels the same way and hasn't told you yet.

 

I'm an advocate of not putting myself through misery unnecessarily, if things don't work out the first time, the second probably won't either. However I do understand that sometimes life gets in the way and that's a different story all together. People work like dogs, go to school, death of a family member, etc etc.. I'm willing to work through that, maybe you guys are too?

[azzurri_82]

I get the feeling both of us just want to know how it is going to end up. Neither of us want to waste time going back and forward whilst we could be out there looking to improve our respective situations individually.

 

Like I said, there's a lot of affection between us, and we don't want to hurt one another or ruin what could be a great relationship.

 

It's just sadly lacking at the moment, and I've clearly got individual issues that I need to deal with on my own at the moment.

 

What I'm scared about is that we're here again in 2/3 years, having found that actually, people don't change that much, and we're stuck in the same rut as we are now.

 

I've been in plenty of previous relationships, but normally I'd be so glad that it's over. I've got no regrets about past relationships.

 

This time I think that no matter what happens, I'm going to regret something.

[azzurri_82]

UPDATE: One month later and we're still together. I'm certainly happier than I was, well, more content I'd say.

 

When it came to the crunch of actually moving out, she no longer liked the idea, since she thinks that if we move out into separate homes, we're going to split up anyway.

 

Our day-to-day life has improved, although we still have our wobbly moments due to her lack of tidiness around the house, which I hate, and she just can't seem to keep things tidy for longer than about 90 minutes at a time!

 

The 'crush' I have has subsided, it was just complete fantasy and escapism which gripped me for a couple of weeks, an 'escape hatch' if you will, which 5 years ago I probably would have used to exit my current relationship.

 

Bizarrely, since everything else has become more normalized again, our sex life has sort of fallen away. She has been ill, and decided to no longer take the pill, since she has been on it for three years and says she no longer wants to take it because of side effects (unrelated to her recent illness), which I'm fine with, but it has disrupted our sex life.

 

I've done quite a bit of reading on here rather than contributing over the past month, and a bit of me wonders whether I've a touch of G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome)?

 

Having talked it through with a perticular male friend, some who are very like me personality-wise, they keep urging me to finish it, because "your head isn't in this relationship any longer, you are like me, you need to move on and find something new" but this angers me, I'm not sure whether that's because I think they are correct and I don't want them to be, or whether it's because I know it's wrong and I feel like it's a criticism. He's like, "Whatever will be, will be, just end it and see what happens".

 

I'm going to be 30 this year, I'm no longer a 'kid', and I feel perhaps like this is a big turning point in my life, moving in to my own new decade. I can't get away with the same sort of behavior I could when I was 21/25, and sort of feel like time is running out, which probably sounds ridiculous to people in their forties and fifties. I just want to make sure I'm heading in the right direction for me, but there are so many issues that cloud my judgement, such as what I think I should do, what I really want to do (which changes on a daily basis), what my friends and family think I should do etc.

 

There is a lot of pressure from my parents to find "the one" and settle down (although I don't believe in a "one", I believe there's potentially millions of women I'd be happy spending my life with, what's important to me is not finding "the one", but A "one" with whom we can grow together and share experiences, through mutual respect and trust). There's a lot of pressure from my father in particular to give him grandchildren, although I'm hoping my younger sister might bail me out of that particular pressure in the next few years!

 

I feel like I'm stuck in a personal rut at the moment, and although the personal anguish and stress from an "imminent" break-up of a month ago has subsided, I'm not really sure where I should go from here?...

[Appleness]

Azzurri,

 

I am truly happy to read your story and I am happy to know that there are people like you out there. She is a very lucky woman.

 

There are many men in your place who would have listened to his friends and just split up. For me, I have always believed that dumping someone is easy because at the end of the day, you just make the decision to not put in any effort to change your situation yourself. You chose to stand up for yourself and think for yourself to disregard what they had to say. In other words, you knew what you wanted.

 

Thank you for your story.

[hopelessromantic29]

Then you're not communicating correctly with her. If at the end of the conversation she isn't either extremely motivated to make things right or at least formulated a game plan on corrective measures on how to fix this because she is about a hair away from truely losing you, then you didn't have the right talk.

 

And this is a relationship, there should be some give and take in this discussion. i.e. I don't like how YOU handle your money, I resent how YOU feel about my business, Don't list everything that you don't like about her or what she's doing. Present it as a problem and at least talk about some viable solutions. Because if you don't, then all you're doing is b*tching at her, and who wants to listen to that.

 

But, then you have to discuss what you're willing to change, what you're willing to do. What if she wants you to spend more time with her because you're TOO wrapped up in your business? Can you compromise? Find that happy median and meet half way? I mean, I just re-read your orginal post and for the two years you said there has been some strain, you make no mention of doing anything nice for her. NOT ONCE! There's plenty of stuff about how work takes up too much of your time and your stressed out and she contributes to that stress. You state that you are a problem solver and a goal setter? How come you can't work this issue?

 

I still strongly suggest couples counseling before you throw in the towel. I just don't like when people are ready to throw away something that could be really good without REALLY trying from BOTH parties. I don't mean to come across as "bashing" on you. I mean, if you put a true amount of effort into this relationship as you do in business and it still doesn't work for you. Then, oh well! It wasn't mean to be.

 

Beautifully said!!! I wish EVERY guy had ur mCentality!