J_weik Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 To understand my situation, refer to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t42443/ After all that happened, I called her last night and we fought some more. I Asked if she is happy now that i will be out of her life and she said yes. I believe i bugged her too much yesterday and she started saying things to hurt me on purpose. Just like when she said, "Ill never have feelings for you, not even in 4 years." Theres no way she can tell tell what she will feel like in the future, it just isn't possible. Anyhow, my follow up email today: I'm writing you this letter as sort of a goodbye i guess. Where do i start laine. Seems like just yesterday we were at chris's and i was so nervous to touch you. When you walked into my life, i felt a sense of pride. Then after we got to know each other, i started thinking about things. All the stuff you told me you did before we met, realy messed me up. It made me jealous, it hurt me, and it made me sick at the same time. I didn't want to touch you, nor be with you. But i gave it a chance, and my heart grew for you. And about me being controllig, i knew it was wrong, i knew it was wrong at the time even. But i didn't know how to go about keeping you, so i thought that would be the best way possible. Little did i know that i would back fire on me. The things you said yesterday, realy hurt me elaine. Far worse then you actually breaking up with me. When you said that towards the end you had no feelings for me, and that is why we didn't do anything. Why would you stay with me if you didnt like me like that? Thats just leading me on. You know what i went through with Tawn before you, and you did the exact same thing to me, and i don't understand how. I wish you would have held your ground and stood up for yourself when we were together. Things would be fine now if you had done that. I have alot of faults about me, alot and i know this. But so you do, and i believe your biggest one is not thinking before you act. Anyhow, i just wanted to let you know, that im not mad at you, as i have no reason to be mad at you. You did what you feel is the best thing for yourself, and i'll respect that. I realy do wish we could remain friends, but frm what you said yesterday about, You knowing that youll never have feelings for me, I dont think we can be friends. That feels like ****, when someone rules you out all together, even in the future. You also have to realise, i have alot going on in my life right now. I have a rare diease that i got diagnosed with, and i dunno wtf i'm going to do about that. I have a tumor under my wisdom tooth, and i don't have the cash to get anything done. My father has been in and out of the hostipal and will most likely be dieing soon, and i'm to stubborn to go see him. And its tearing me up. So when i call you, it isnt to yell at you, nor even to realy talk about "us" persay, its just to talk to you. And the only thing to talk about that i know will keep you on the phone for awhile, is about us. I don't know where i'm heading, but i won't remain down like this. I've been like this forever, and its time for me to do something for my self, and be happy with my self. I'm sorry i took two years of your life, and i realy do wish i could make it up to you, realy i do. (Not by going out with each other either) But i dunno how i would do that. If you ever need anything, or like i said yesterday, if you ever get hurt, and don't know where to turn, look me up. I care about you more then i do myself, and would do anything, including give my life for you. You're prolly thinking "drama queen" right lol? Well, its realy how i feel. Good luck with whatever you do. Btw, I'm not lieing about the other stuff i'm going through. I have cancer in my lympd nodes, My pops is dieing, and its eating me up on the inside, but also at the same time, i hate him, and never want to see him again (He drank alot when i was young, and used to hit me, then i moved out and havent spoken to him since.)
tattoomytoe Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 do a spell check b4 you send it... nothing worse than your ex saying you can not spell to boot.
Author J_weik Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Need more opinions before i send it out. Lastnight i think we both said some stuff that we did not mean, and i feel like crap for saying what i said. If i have to leave her life, i wish to do so in civil manner, even though i don't agree with why we broke up.
DerangedAngel Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 I can't tell whether or not you're trying to make her feel guilty, or make peace. I wouldn't be happy to receive it. 1). It makes you look bad, desperate even. You're constantly acting like you don't really want to get back together and when you worry that's what it's looking like, chances are, that's what's really happening. She'll see through that. 2). You're dragging it out. Totally. Going into your past and hers. 3). I feel sorry for you and I don't even know you. If you're going to send a goodbye letter (which I say don't do at all) make it short and to the point. Be it friendly or hateful, it needs to stay that way. I'm sorry for your break-up. Good luck in your future relationships, and with your health. Might want to rethink hating your father at this time. -Deranged
DerangedAngel Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Why do u feel sorry for me? You just don't seem happy, or confident that you're gonna be okay. It seems like maybe making her feel bad for you is your intention, so you can get her back. Maybe it's a subconcious thing. I didn't actually mean it in a rude way, but if you send her this letter the way that you have it written I think she'll only be annoyed. It has an air of self-pity (something else?). That's all the advice I've got. Do what works for you. -Deranged
Author J_weik Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 I personally don't think i'll be ok. I dunno where to start, where my place is. I don't know a thing that makes me happy, except her. I have rage against other people, and towards her. I gave her a chance after i found out what she did, she on the other hand, did not give me a chance. I have cancer, and i ask myself why me? I hate my father but i feel bad because he is alone, dieing. I have no friends up here, as i started dating her right when i moved up here. I can't turn to anyone and get comfort, its just me. Sometimes i wish that when i go to sleep, i would not wake up. Then i have her telling me things that realy realy hurt. And she is too immature to even realise what she says, or care what she says for that matter. Im totally lost about this whole situation, and have no clue as to what to do. I wake up and do the same thing everyday, go to the gym, work, come home and be alone, hating myself, for what i have done to her, knowing there is no possible way i can ever make it up to her, or get her back. Then i go to sleep, and i see her face. I wake up and i cry, i hit my wall, i yell. I can't do this.
yes Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 I wouldn't send it. No use. I mean - what do you hope to accomplish by sending it? I think right now you should focus on your dieing(sp?) father and on your health. You'll likely regret it a LOT if you don't go see him at the hospital. Research your rare disease, find out how to handle it. Get a job - or if you already do, focus on finding ways to save up for removing the tumour; find out how long you have before it gets really bad. You will certainly get over this break-up, but you won't get over not taking the last chance to see your dad nor not taking care of yourself. It sounds to me like what you really need right now is not a gf, but supportive friends... people who'll easily stay on the phone with you to talk about your and their lives. good luck, -yes
Author J_weik Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 Screw my father. I hope misses me, and i hope he is lonley as hell.
yes Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Having seen your latest post, I say GET HELP. Call a social worker, call a cancer society for support, - DO get help, you have too much on your plate to get through it alone, I think. Are there any relatives you can turn to? Why do you hate your dad so much, anyway? Why are you being so brutal to him? Do you not feel a iota of at least compassion? But again, i think this is the time to take care of dad and yourself - then you'll have years to deal with r/s issues. good luck, -yes
Author J_weik Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 Well, getting beat from the time that i was 4 up until 13 realy makes you hate someone. Drinking was more important to him then to his own child. He used to come home, and hit me for no reason. And i thought it was something wrong with me. Thats when my low self esteem started. To this day i still have no self esteem for myself at all. I feel nothing for him except hate. I'm ashamed to be his son, and have his blood inside me.
Author J_weik Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 Only relatives i have up here is my grandmother, whos in a nursing home. I moved up here with my mom, but she passed away 3 years ago. I have other relatives, on my mothers side, but they live in cali.
guest Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Keep your head up. Live your life to the best of your capabilty and do things you always wished you could do. Learn from other peoples mistakes as well as yours. Take care of yourself and the best of luck with everything.
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