workingonit Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Hello Everyone, My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have separated twice and now she wants to finally file for divorce. I am moving out in three days when she returns from her parents house. I do not in any way want this and I love her completely. We have had many ups and downs in our marriage. I have realized many things that I would do differently and so does she. She says that she still loves me and if only I could have overcome one issue we could rebuild and start a new life together and start conquering other issues. It's nothing I do intentionally, in fact I've tried many many things to overcome it. I have studied many books, been to therapists, hypnotherapists, joined online classes/support groups, attended CODA meetings all to no avail. These help me to self diagnose and identify the problems but I can't seem to stop the behavior. In life, but especially with my wife, I panic. I get so driven by fear and worry that I start to scramble, lie and basically manifest everything I am worried about. I come back from a marital separation with high hopes, new tools, new insights and confidence. As soon as I start to see that my wife is unhappy again or she might even say directly "you better not let that stuff back into our marriage or it's over" which of course sends me spinning with desperation. I constantly live in fear of losing her. This causes me to be clingy, needy, catering, over apologetic, dishonest, manipulative and I make excuses and minimize and don't fully own up to things for fear that full admission would spell the end. Now mind you, she has a fair share of anxiety and depressive tendencies. When we both get into our modes we make each other worse. She gets very dark and depressed, has panic attacks, starts shaking, bad bad stuff. She can't take the way it affects her when we get into this pattern. It is too painful and she can't function let alone work or pursue other things in life. She has finally reached the stance that I will never stop this behavior no matter how hard I try and in spite of her love for me, can't endure the way it makes her feel. Not for a day longer. She doesn't say that everything is my fault. She says that we can't ever move on to other issues when this one keeps returning and sends everything into a spin. So, I am here at our apartment starting to pack my stuff while she is gone. I have a friend who will let me stay for a while, a few months at best, while I figure out what is next. I of course, was hoping that she would cool off and reconsider. This is not happening. She says to me that if I really cared about her I would not want her to feel this way, and since I can't stop the behavior that makes her feel so badly I would agree that divorce is the answer. She says that it affects her so negatively that I need to look at it as if I am beating her up. I tell her that I'm trying everything I can and she says that it's not enough. Just as if someone was saying "I'm trying not to hit you but I keep doing it" She says every time she starts to reconsider or wonder if maybe we could get past it, she remembers that I have tried and promised to fix it before. Now if this behavior was specific to my wife, most of you would probably say that you are with the wrong person, and I would agree. It definitely gets to higher levels with my wife, and she gets angrier and I get more scared and insecure, but this fear based, anxiety, self esteem issue affects every part of my life. It's not as destructive but certainly holds me back. I am currently teetering between two things; 1. Attempting to accept this, let go and move on. 2. Desperately searching for a way to overcome this behavior. Or at least figuring out what would work. I know there are no guarantees but if there was something more that I could do, maybe she would reconsider. Almost like if I was an alcoholic, I would finally be going to rehab. Unfortunately, for her, this is an absolute deal breaker. She is completely willing to work on other issues but not as long as I have this behavior. It affects her too severely. In the past she has called it many things; manning up - Not owning up to things fully, not telling the truth fully. being strong - I don't stand up for her to other people. This is conflict avoidance. being an equal partner - I let her make all or most of the decisions. being an adult -I rely on her for emotional support and don't give her the same. I'm usually too afraid to say the wrong thing when she's upset. I agree that she should expect these things from a partner. I have only recently realized that it is all based on fear and anxiety. Every situation that has caused problems or major blowouts has been a result of me being scared of something. This is why now I believe that I finally know that face of my enemy. No more "acting as if" or pantomiming behaviors I've read about that seem unnatural and forced. I need to conquer this fear and anxiety that are the root of all of the behaviors that have caused so many problems in this and other relationships. It seems that it may be too late for these changes to save my marriage but I'm asking if anyone has gone through something similar. Any advice? Something I haven't tried? And sorry for the long winded post. Thanks
Author workingonit Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I took celexa and then lexapro a few years ago. I think it seemed to mellow me out. I do remember feeling very groggy in the mornings and some sexual side effects. Now that you mention it maybe it helped, and then things were better, thane I stopped without ever addressing the underlying problem.
Author workingonit Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I just talked to my wife briefly. I aske her about the lexapro. She reminded me that I had crazy mood swings and it was the negative turning point in our sex life. I also ha a horrible reaction to alcohol with it.
Albertan Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I'm gonna go another way with this. What friends have you got? When was the last time you had a "man date" I'm just saying, it sounds like you are so dependant on this woman for your emotional.....everything!
Albertan Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Oh yeah, I'm also going to guess - the two times you separated before. Were they initiated by her by chance? It doesn't sound like you are very secure in your relationship - although, perhaps, just perhaps (without knowing a lot more detail), there is a good reason for that.
Author workingonit Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I actually have a lot of male friends. I've been hanging out with them more and more lately. I know this is important and something I've neglected in the past. And yes the past two times were her decision. Well, I said I would leave, but after knowing that if I didn't we would divorce. I think it went something like Her:"I can't take this anymore, I just want to pack my things and leave far far away" Me:"okay, okay, I'll leave and give you some space." repeat, repeat
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