How to stop feeling terrible about my bf's past?

July 8, 2012

It upsets me all the time, and just gives me a bad feeling about him.. Especially because we were just friends online when we met,and we were both virgins when we first met. When he went abroad, he told me the things in bed he did with her and described it to me. We got together after we met in person, and although I was disappointed b/c I was always kinda attracted to him, I wasn't as distraught by it as I am now.. I remember he told me at the time that he was waiting for a special girl b/c he's already waited so long, and when I told him it upset me now, all he said was that I couldn't blame him for that. And you might think I'm being unfair for doing so, but I'm just jealous that she was special to him at a pt, and that I gave myself away and never had anyone.

I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I hate him at the same time. He's a nice guy, and is so good to me; I know that he sacrifices for me without me even asking for all of this. But I always have this hatred towards him in the back of my head. I have a sexual past too, but I never had a serious relationship or someone I had consistent sex with, AND I had a terrible first that broke my heart, pretended to love me, and got back with his ex who was an underage girl.

Sometimes, the thought of sex with my bf depresses or even disgusts me, b/c I know how he used to do it with her.. I feel like my sex drive has plummeted and I don't even desire sex anymore.. I don't want to have a lot of sex with him b/c I know that's what he did with her. I haven't told him this in particular, but I've talked abt how his past upset me; somehow, he still couldn't comfort me even when he told me he loved me & not her. I even broke down one time after seeing another picture of them together, and started hitting and throwing things at him.. But he still stayed with me. I don't think he understands just how much this upsets me, and I am SO sick of bringing this up with him. I didn't wanna seem desperate or super jealous at first, but he has already seen how I can get and he doesn't mind.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like ignoring him, and I always have negative thoughts abt him. I was living with him for the summer and was relieved when I had to leave for a diff state to stay with my dad. He tells me he misses me and loves me every day, and I feel this sense of guilt, b/c I am relieved to get away from him. I can't think abt 'us' b/c I always have negative thoughts of him & his ex regardless of what he tells me, and especially b/c he even says things like he hopes she's doing well, and he still cared about her.

I don't feel like talking about this over and over will help. I always get upset because he doesn't say anything bad abt her like I do abt my past sexual encounters (b/c they were all meaningless & due to being heartbroken by my first), and I feel offended that he'd date someone so much uglier, shorter, and older than me.. and that she was his first.

Now that I'm away from him for 2 weeks, I don't even feel like talking to him. He has to initiate talking to me first, & he asks me to text him & I feel guilty b/c I don't feel like initiating it unless he asks me. I think about him a lot.. in a terrible way. Whenever he talks to me now, he says he thinks about me all the time and all of the good things.... But I don't feel the same way. I love him very much, but I feel like my hate is overshadowing any of the good feelings or good times in my mind.

Edited July 8, 2012 by cl3

July 8, 2012

So basically you want us to advise you on how to stop being insane.

July 8, 2012

Wow, you don't have to be a jerk. I don't like feeling this way, but I do. & I can't help it.. It's just a combination of factors that go together badly, including my first being a complete player and user, & knowing what my bf did with his ex.

July 8, 2012

In relationships, we all have things that we have to deal with. And, when we can't, it's called a deal breaker. His past involving this other woman seems to be a deal breaker for you.

You sound young, so let me tell you that this is something that you will have to deal with all of your life. People have pasts, he has a past and you have a past. Learning through those experiences is what makes a person grow and mature. Just because he had a relationship with someone doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. When a relationship ends, you take what you've learned and move on.

One thing you both need to learn is to not talk about sex you've had with past partners, that's a big no-no and doesn't accomplish a thing. And why would you say "bad" things about your previous partners? That's immature and any current partner you have will feel like you'll bad mouth them as soon as they're gone. I greatly respect a man that never mentions exes in a negative way.

July 8, 2012

Sounds like you have some solo work to do...

I'm unclear...are you still with the BF this thread is about, meaning same place and space? It sounds like you lived with him and now live somewhere else.

If so, I'd take this time and space away to work on retroactive jealousy. We can't really help with that. I use the word 'acceptance' a lot. It's a good word.

July 8, 2012

You can't change the past, you can build a better future. His past came before you two were together.

Focus on what you have now. You can build new memories, put the past behind.

Emphasize on the positives you have together.

If he reassures you that he's happier now and loves you, that's all that should matter. The more you bring up the past, the more unhappy you'll become. The past is in the past for a reason.

It's unfair to judge his past when you have a story of your own. He is who is he is today because of what he's been through. If he didn't have a story, he wouldn't be the man that you love today.

July 8, 2012

As the poster before me said, it's called retroactive jealousy. It's very real and apparently somewhat common. It's a horrible horrible thing. I know this because I used to have it bad just like you do.

All that can be said is understanding that you are not alone in how you feel. You aren't crazy, and the reason you feel the way you do is rooted in your DNA.

That being said, you also have to understand how illogical RJ is and how you should be strong and not let it affect you. It's like crying over spilled milk...except the milk was spilled by someone else, in another house, and you weren't even there when it happened.

I believe the vast majority of people have some form of RJ. Though most people are able to dismiss those "thoughts" and not let them develop into something more. Those of us that can't seem to shake the bad thoughts I believe suffer from some type of OCD (look up pure O). I have pure O OCD, though I believe it's somewhat minor.

Do you feel as if you have OCD-like tendencies? I'm not talking about washing your hands twenty times a day. I mean being ultra focused in something you do or the inability to manage time correctly because you get caught up in trivial things that you can't stop doing?

July 8, 2012

oh boy you have issues, if just one past partner (that you didn't know) is upsetting you to the degree that the thought of sex now disgusts you...and lets also mention the hitting incident and the fact you keep bringing up the past with him and the feeling of relief you get by spending time away from him.

I'm not sure how long you have been bf/gf for, to get get a feel for how long the both of you have had to put up with this, but if its been more than 3 mths and you have not dealt with this, then break up with him. Its not like you have a legal obligation to stay with him and continue to suffer. Do him and yourself a favour and dump him and tell why, so you can both move on, and he can find a passionate fun girl, and you can start over and actually fall in love.

July 8, 2012

I love him very much

Are you sure? Because you don't sound like you are behaving in a loving way toward him at all. Love is just words unless your actions are loving, too.

You are jealous that he cared for someone in his life, his first gf, his first relationship. You are seething inside and out that you aren't the first and only person he ever cared for. That's selfish of you, not loving.

I think your past experiences are the real issue, here. You are bitter about the player ex-bf, and every other guy you were with was meaningless. Imagine how you would feel if your current bf looked at your past with seething rage and became an insane jealous person because you'd had sex with multiple men before him.

You want what your bf's ex had - a man who cared for her. It sounds like you have that now. Why can't you enjoy it instead of sabotaging it?

July 8, 2012

It upsets me all the time, and just gives me a bad feeling about him.. Especially because we were just friends online when we met,and we were both virgins when we first met. When he went abroad, he told me the things in bed he did with her and described it to me. We got together after we met in person, and although I was disappointed b/c I was always kinda attracted to him, I wasn't as distraught by it as I am now.. I remember he told me at the time that he was waiting for a special girl b/c he's already waited so long, and when I told him it upset me now, all he said was that I couldn't blame him for that. And you might think I'm being unfair for doing so, but I'm just jealous that she was special to him at a pt, and that I gave myself away and never had anyone.

I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I hate him at the same time. He's a nice guy, and is so good to me; I know that he sacrifices for me without me even asking for all of this. But I always have this hatred towards him in the back of my head. I have a sexual past too, but I never had a serious relationship or someone I had consistent sex with, AND I had a terrible first that broke my heart, pretended to love me, and got back with his ex who was an underage girl.
Sometimes, the thought of sex with my bf depresses or even disgusts me, b/c I know how he used to do it with her.. I feel like my sex drive has plummeted and I don't even desire sex anymore.. I don't want to have a lot of sex with him b/c I know that's what he did with her. I haven't told him this in particular, but I've talked abt how his past upset me; somehow, he still couldn't comfort me even when he told me he loved me & not her. I even broke down one time after seeing another picture of them together, and started hitting and throwing things at him.. But he still stayed with me. I don't think he understands just how much this upsets me, and I am SO sick of bringing this up with him. I didn't wanna seem desperate or super jealous at first, but he has already seen how I can get and he doesn't mind.
I really don't know what to do. I feel like ignoring him, and I always have negative thoughts abt him. I was living with him for the summer and was relieved when I had to leave for a diff state to stay with my dad. He tells me he misses me and loves me every day, and I feel this sense of guilt, b/c I am relieved to get away from him. I can't think abt 'us' b/c I always have negative thoughts of him & his ex regardless of what he tells me, and especially b/c he even says things like he hopes she's doing well, and he still cared about her.

I don't feel like talking about this over and over will help. I always get upset because he doesn't say anything bad abt her like I do abt my past sexual encounters (b/c they were all meaningless & due to being heartbroken by my first), and I feel offended that he'd date someone so much uglier, shorter, and older than me.. and that she was his first.

Now that I'm away from him for 2 weeks, I don't even feel like talking to him. He has to initiate talking to me first, & he asks me to text him & I feel guilty b/c I don't feel like initiating it unless he asks me. I think about him a lot.. in a terrible way. Whenever he talks to me now, he says he thinks about me all the time and all of the good things.... But I don't feel the same way. I love him very much, but I feel like my hate is overshadowing any of the good feelings or good times in my mind.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way, most people will say different but it's because they **** anything that moves. Now considering his number is low (one other person I'm guessing?) I would move past it, if only because most guys excluding virgins have bedded more women. With time you'll learn to not care as much.

July 8, 2012

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way, most people will say different but it's because they **** anything that moves. Now considering his number is low (one other person I'm guessing?) I would move past it, if only because most guys excluding virgins have bedded more women. With time you'll learn to not care as much.

She "bedded" a number of men herself. Why should she be all up in arms because he had one ex gf?

July 8, 2012

She "bedded" a number of men herself. Why should she be all up in arms because he had one ex gf?

Bedding those men and having it be "meaningless" is her way of proving to herself that she can have sex without the emotional connection. She hasn't quite realized she's wrong about that though. She can't spare herself heartache with smoke and mirrors. Now that she's with someone she cares for, her mind is in overdrive and is distraught. She's obsessing over this one woman because she isn't happy in her own skin (upset that he would date someone who is "uglier, shorter, older"). She is hurt, confused and insecure and really just needs to calm down and take a step back. Ideally, she should be single and sort herself out.

July 9, 2012

Bedding those men and having it be "meaningless" is her way of proving to herself that she can have sex without the emotional connection. She hasn't quite realized she's wrong about that though. She can't spare herself heartache with smoke and mirrors. Now that she's with someone she cares for, her mind is in overdrive and is distraught. She's obsessing over this one woman because she isn't happy in her own skin (upset that he would date someone who is "uglier, shorter, older"). She is hurt, confused and insecure and really just needs to calm down and take a step back. Ideally, she should be single and sort herself out.

I agree that her feelings about herself and her past are at the heart of this. She does need to deal with that, maybe in therapy, because those feelings will follow her into all her relationships the rest of her life. It will be difficult to find peace until she can find peace with her past.

July 9, 2012

doesn't sound like this is about the boyfriend's past, but about the OP and her displeasure with her own past. by focusing on her boyfriend's history it allows her a space to vent without actually getting to the root of the issue.

July 9, 2012

She "bedded" a number of men herself. Why should she be all up in arms because he had one ex gf?

oh this girl is being dumb then, i'd dump her

July 9, 2012

Bedding those men and having it be "meaningless" is her way of proving to herself that she can have sex without the emotional connection. She hasn't quite realized she's wrong about that though. She can't spare herself heartache with smoke and mirrors. Now that she's with someone she cares for, her mind is in overdrive and is distraught. She's obsessing over this one woman because she isn't happy in her own skin (upset that he would date someone who is "uglier, shorter, older"). She is hurt, confused and insecure and really just needs to calm down and take a step back. Ideally, she should be single and sort herself out.

Yes, I have had sex with guys before my bf, and I really regret it now. I was depressed, and badly hurt, and made wrong decisions. I wanted to fool around to get over my first & replace him in my mind, when I was just making things worse. I know it's selfish of me, but it pisses me off that he loved someone else, and she loved him.. And I liked him better before he left to take a job abroad he didn't want to do and met her. I liked him when he was still a virgin, & wish he was my first instead of that *******. So even though I'm with him now, I keep thinking to myself that I would've loved him more if I met him in person earlier and we were each other's firsts..

I have many regrets, if I could take back all of the sexual encounters I have, I would.. I know people will judge me for it, & it's something I personally feel terrible about; giving in too early is my biggest mistake & it crushed me.

He told me about how he loved having sex with her when we were still friends & got back to the US, & how he had loud sex with her that everyone in the hotel could hear when weren't as serious (among other things). When I have sex with him now, I can't help but think how he did this stuff with her, & I didn't realise how much it bothered me until later on in our relationship.

I even thought to myself, how if I had a normal relationship with a good guy before him, I would relate to my bf & not mind his past so much.. I just miss his self before he got with her.

July 9, 2012

By the way guys this is why you want to be the guy that slams a girl hard then vanishes, all of the benefits none of the downsides.

July 9, 2012

the guy above me: you sound like a jerk -_-

Also, I know people keep mentioning how he's only had 1 girl & it's no big deal.. But he's not like other guys. He was waiting for a special girl to lose it to, I remember him telling that from the beginning. It pisses me off that she was special to him, & how he told me how he'd do it 8 times a day, so much his pelvis hurt. I have this gross image in my mind of it all. I thought it through, & wouldn't mind a guy who had only casual relationships like me, although more.

July 9, 2012

the guy above me: you sound like a jerk -_-

Also, I know people keep mentioning how he's only had 1 girl & it's no big deal.. But he's not like other guys. He was waiting for a special girl to lose it to, I remember him telling that from the beginning. It pisses me off that she was special to him, & how he told me how he'd do it 8 times a day, so much his pelvis hurt. I have this gross image in my mind of it all. I thought it through, & wouldn't mind a guy who had only casual relationships like me, although more.

I am a jerk, as you know that's not a negative trait when it comes to dealing with young women.

July 9, 2012

I love how my post gets completely glazed over.

WAY too much analysis and judgement going on here.

RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY. It's written ALL OVER the op's face.

Op...look it up. The most important part about dealing with any issue is being able to understand exactly what your issue is.

Just to clarify, women get RJ differently than men. Men obsess over the casual sex his partner used to have. Women obsess over the MEANINGFUL relationships her partner used to have.

And the op already said she wouldn't mind if he had casual encounters but the ONE SPECIAL ENCOUNTER absolutely kills her.

RJ as plain as can be.

Edited July 9, 2012 by KungFuJoe

July 9, 2012

I was saying to my most recent bf when he brought this up not too long ago something about this topic. It would be foolish if not downright neive of you to think that this guy (let alone anyone you pass by on the street who you never say a word to) doesn't have some kind of past. He told me about things in his past, I told him about some things but not everything about mine. I just responded with a nod of the head and tried not to show much emotion about it. I used to be far more open about myself, but have learned over time not to be. People take information about you and just rip you to shreads with it, and they tend to take things from the past and use them against you with it.

So the answer, which was pointed out by someone else on this thread, is to not talk about the past so much and focus on the here and now, and the potential future you have with this person. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for us? We have the now, and that's what matters.

July 9, 2012

I was saying to my most recent bf when he brought this up not too long ago something about this topic. It would be foolish if not downright neive of you to think that this guy (let alone anyone you pass by on the street who you never say a word to) doesn't have some kind of past. He told me about things in his past, I told him about some things but not everything about mine. I just responded with a nod of the head and tried not to show much emotion about it. I used to be far more open about myself, but have learned over time not to be. People take information about you and just rip you to shreads with it, and they tend to take things from the past and use them against you with it.

So the answer, which was pointed out by someone else on this thread, is to not talk about the past so much and focus on the here and now, and the potential future you have with this person. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for us? We have the now, and that's what matters.

I agree with you, and I keep hearing to focus on now rather than the past. But, what if I have a visual image of it? He told me about having sex with her, and I found pictures of them making out before. We never took pictures like that, & when I saw the pictures with her, he looked happy. I feel like comparing myself to her, and I know it's pointless.. But from the first time we had sex (& we weren't together at the time, it just happened), I asked her "was it better with me or her?" I was drunk, & didn't know that I would get so upset about this almost a year later and after dating him for a while.

The first time we did it together also didn't feel special to me at all.

All of this is so new to me.. He's the first guy I've ever been in a serious relationship with and loved. I feel like mentioning this & holding this against him again& again won't solve anything, but at the same time I don't wanna break up with him...

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How to stop feeling terrible about my bf's past?

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