Seipazo Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) Hi all, Bottom line: I want my girlfriend back, and I'm trying to figure out her signals. Quick summary: I'm American. She's German. I'm 27. She's 18. I met her last July 12th, 2011. I was a lifeguard on the beach here in NY. She sat behind my lifeguard chair. We hit it off, kept in touch, I visited her, she visited me, etc. We skyped nearly every day. And she ADORED me. There is NO question about this. ADORED me. We talked about how we were soulmates, and talked about marriage constantly. And I met her parents; she met mine. And we talked about how our story should be a movie, and that I should write the script (I'm a screenwriter). I'm a super busy guy (also a Lawyer, filmmaker, etc) and in April, I got super busy. And for some reason, I started to lose interest in her. The busier I got, the less time I made for her. For about 4 weeks. I don't know what I was thinking. I've never had a real girlfriend or a long-term relationship, and I think I got scared of how close she was becoming to me. Meanwhile, she wrote an email to me that said basically, "I know you told me you were scared that I was going to break your heart, but I fear that it is my heart that suffers. I am so sad that it seems like you don't want to see me again." My response? A lame text: "Don't worry. I won't break your heart." What a cavalier foolish response (only now do I realize the errors of my ways and the lessons I have learned) Anyway, she eventually told me that her friend suggested that since I was clearly not interested, that she should go out with her ex boyfriend instead, who was still interested in her. She did. And she said her feelings for me weren't there anymore. I suddenly realized how much truly this girl meant to me. I flew to Germany to try to save it. It went okay the first day, but then not so well (she told me her feelings had changed), and I flew home early. That was a month ago. We kept in touch, going back and forth. Twice she said we could start over. Twice she considered coming to NY to visit me after all. But then she finally said no, she didn't want to try it again, that she was starting to date her ex again, and that she didn't want me to wait for her. So essentially, what happened (I think) is that she was head over heels for me, but then I 'broke up' with her first, emotionally. And then she broke up with me, physically, by pulling the trigger. I fear that I broke her heart first, and well, now it's my heart that's broken. But here's the thing: while we were dating, she told me the relationship with her ex was never easy. And I know that she loved me while we were dating. So much. I was just an idiot and neglected her (yes, an idiot, I know now). I got upset and unfriended her on FB about seven days ago. And then five days ago, she changed her relationship status from nothing (we failed to make it official--yet another problem, I know) to "in a relationship with Ex Boyfriend". That crushed me when I saw it, and I wrote her a nice email, wishing her happiness, and the very best. She replied, wishing me the same. But wrote, "What saddens me is that we never got to go to Paris together, that we never got to have our pajama day, that we never got watch Spirit together..." A whole list of things we wanted to do. It was weird. On one hand, why did that sadden her? Did she miss me? On the other hand, why did she rub it in that I can't do those things with her anymore? I replied, calling her on that, asking her to not reply, but the next morning, she replied with an apology--that she didn't mean to hurt me with what she wrote. Keep in mind that I have over the last month apologized for neglecting her; that I didn't mean it; that she was my first long-term relationship (true) and I didn't realize that the girl in my life needs to be a higher priority than work. Etc. that I would never again neglect her again; that I would forever more make her the number one priority in my life. Didn't change her mind. But turns out when she sent that last email apology, she was on IM. I said hi. We 'talked' for about 40 minutes. This was 3 days ago. And this is where things get interesting/confusing: a) I asked her if she'd consider dating me again if she breaks up with her ex. She replied, "I don't know" b) She told me that she doesn't love her ex. I asked if she had feelings for him while we were dating, and she said no. c) she said the only reason she agreed to meet up with him again is because she thought I didn't love her, and because she thought that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. d) She said about why she is with him, "I like being with him" (my interpretation being: he is helping me get over you) Again: she told me she doesn't love him, but I KNOW she loved me. I could tell by the way she looked at me, talked to me, the things she did for me, etc. e) I decided to be cocky funny (esp. since she went back to her ex and all my friends say it's not going to last because he's an ex AND 18) and I said, "WHEN you break up with him, will you let me know?" f) She replied with my nickname, "Jerky! ;)" I could tell she was smiling as she wrote it. g) I replied, "When you break up with him, will you let me know?" h) She replied, "You would still want to date me?" i) I replied, "Absolutely" j) I said, "Will you let me know?" k) She replied, "Yes, I will let you know." Then we said goodbye. Everyone I tell this story too says this is positive. Three weeks ago she said she didn't want to try again. Now, on this IM chat, she says, "I don't know". Three weeks ago, she said she didn't want me to wait. Now, on this IM chat, she asks, "You would still want to date me?", i.e. you really ARE waiting for me? And then.. she agreed to let me know when she breaks up with her ex. Why would she agree to that if she didn't still have feelings for me, right? Part of me feels like she put up a wall to me because she didn't want to get hurt again (her words, actually). I think she does have feelings for me, but she was pushing them down and trying to forget me. And hey, she had a handy ex-bf there who was into her--of course she'd go back to him. If I had a handy ex-gf here, I'd probably be with her now too, to try to get over her. And one more thing: many of her friends on FB 'liked' her change in relationship status. Except three key people: her three best friends, all of whom I know. It's weird right: if she were really truly happy with her ex, and she was over me, and not interested in me at all anymore, and moving on, and if she were truly happy, wouldn't her three best friends click 'like' for this change in status? To support her new relationship? BUT THEY DIDN'T. And they haven't. Even today, five days later, not one of her three best friends 'like' her change in relationship status. So, I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I haven't contacted her since that IM chat three days ago. July 12th is coming up (our would-be anniversary) and a bunch of people told me sending this would be smart: "I woke up with a smile today, thinking of you, because on this day, one year ago, I turned around on my lifeguard chair and saw your beautiful smile staring back at me. :)" Perhaps with a photo of the beach where we met?--I took a nice one the other day... The other thought: I have begun to write the screenplay about our love affair. It starts on the beach. Back and forth between NY and Germany. It's a touching story. And right now, as I write this post, I am at the end of act II. And I was thinking of writing the end of the story as I WANT it to turn out. And then... printing it out and sending it to her... It's just that deep down, I feel like she really does still have feelings for me. And this IM conversation was the first time in five weeks that I saw a piece of that 'wall' come down. It was the first time I actually could sense that there was still something there between us. And she called me jerky. Any advice? Does this sound like it could be promising? Could giving her space simply be all she needs? Or good to also keep in sporadic non-threatening non-pressuring contact, i.e. the message above, to continually let her know that I really do care about her, but not in a pushy way---cause truly, the only reason she's gone now is because I neglected her. Honestly, I think that's what happened during the IM chat: I think she finally started to realize that I DO care about her deeply. That I SINCERELY am enamored by her. That maybe I really DID just get busy. Guys, I have never met a girl like this before. She is AMAZING. The most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. And I feel like an idiot for neglecting her. I feel like she lost trust in me, but that she still has feelings for me--feelings that I just need to rekindle. Do you have any thoughts on how best to rekindle the feelings she once had for me? Please help! Thank you!!! -Lifeguard in Love Edited July 8, 2012 by Seipazo wanted to add something new
HokeyReligions Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I think I've seen this movie. it's not worth the sequel. If true you are stalking, move on. If not - move one!
Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 sounds very messy. and you sound like a nice guy another thing id say, she is 18 my friend. and going back out with an ex because her friend told her... well, need i say more.. you flew out to see her... thats a huge commitment your part it didn't work out well. what you need to do is give her space. its your call if you send that letter and photo etc. i think its romantic and there are not enough guys out there like you. but, if she isn't in the right frame of mind, it would be like presenting someone with seafood when really they wanted a big steak
Author Seipazo Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Yeah, messy indeed. Blech. I'm so upset at this situation. The girl of my dreams, and yuck, somehow I pushed her into the arms of another guy. Unbelievable. I'm torn between giving her total space, or on the other hand, acknowledging the day we met. I feel like if I don't, it's as if I don't care (which is what got me into this mess in the first place). If I do, you're right, it could come across as too romantic. Maybe there's a way to write it that is not so romantic but acknowledges that I am thinking of her? I don't know... Some websites say no contact is the way to go. Others say limited contact, particularly if you're the one who broke up with her in the first place (which technically, I guess I did, even unwittingly). Any further thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Yeah, messy indeed. Blech. I'm so upset at this situation. The girl of my dreams, and yuck, somehow I pushed her into the arms of another guy. Unbelievable. I'm torn between giving her total space, or on the other hand, acknowledging the day we met. I feel like if I don't, it's as if I don't care (which is what got me into this mess in the first place). If I do, you're right, it could come across as too romantic. Maybe there's a way to write it that is not so romantic but acknowledges that I am thinking of her? I don't know... Some websites say no contact is the way to go. Others say limited contact, particularly if you're the one who broke up with her in the first place (which technically, I guess I did, even unwittingly). Any further thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. yeah that is tough.. id hate to feel like i pushed a girl into another mans arms. but ultimately she knows your feelings you have told her... so what else can you say? what do you think saying something along those lines will achieve? one thing I've learnt about girls, is once they have made a decision they stick to it. they are like a light switch. on or off. it depends on what the last last thing was that you said to her.. and her reply? no contact isn't a game, you can't be told to do it. you need to do it for your own reasons and those reasons only, otherwise you are playing a dangerous game and only you can lose. reading what you have said, unfortunately you have basically said to her that your OK with being played with, she's playing with your emotions, she knows you care deeply. but you've just said to her, have fun sleeping with your ex and when your fed up again ill be waiting for you to pick up the pieces and be your love fool. to me, that is your only downfall.. you need to put up a wall yourself so you don't get hurt. get the idea of being with her again out of your mind if you can. show her that you will move on without her if she doesn't come back to you soon. it all boils down to whether you can handle being essentially a back up, how long you want to be in limbo and how long you are prepared to wait, feeling like crap
Author Seipazo Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 So you're basically saying that you don't think I should send her any message on July 12th? Online, just now, on Facebook, her friend Hanne (one of her best friends) liked something I had posted on her (Hanne's) wall a while back. I decided to say hi. we chatted about nothing in particular. I then said, before I even knew what I did, "say hi to _________ for me, of course." She said, "Of course - bye :)" Was that a further mistake? I'm so torn up about this whole thing.
Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 oh dear lol! your not great with this are you.. passing messages through friends is just a no no. humans want what they can't have dude. and no with everything you have said, sending something on july 12th is not a good idea.. if anything saying nothing may make her think about you more, or make her wonder why you haven't said anything. she is with the ex, even though she doesn't sound too happy about it, she is obviously fine, she is using you as a safety net. be a man walk away and try and forget her. or continue to go on at her and push her away more. its so so so hard trust me i know. but pushing them away more will suck more
caseyjayne Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 You seem like a really genuine guy but by the sounds of it she is playing you and her ex. If she wanted to be with you after that discussion why doesn't she break up with her ex and stop leading him along afterall you should know how much it hurts to be left by someone you have feelings for. So I honestly really feel for her ex. Feelings can change because of distance and I know this first hand but you really need to work to get the spark back. I agree with whats been previously said, getting back with your ex because someone tells you to is very immature and very insensitive, he obviously has feelings for her. If you really love her (like I do my ex) then you need to give her space and stop clouding her judgement... you also need space because do you really want her back after knowing that she's had her fun with this other guy? I think you really need to think about whats best for you! goodluck
Eddie Edirol Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Dude you messed this up by agreeing to do an international long distance with her in the first place. Most women need you NEAR them, skyping everyday doesnt a relationship make. If she was here, your business wouldnt be so bad because she can see you. You have to let this one go, unless youre moving to germany. She cant know you want to get with her, you'd have to turn it around to make her want to get back with you. Begging for her wont make her want you, it will just make you look pathetic, and no where near attractive. You wont be able to get this one back, so dont bother. Chalk it up to a learning experience, dont neglect a woman that adores you. Chances are, if she adored you, a woman who lives in your state will to. Go find someone new.
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