Male perspective wanted!

[tallydoo]

I recently started talking with my ex again (about a week ago), and ever since then he's been acting strangely. The general gist of what he's been doing has been making sure I'm invited to all of his group plans and that he's invited to all of mine and giving me open invites to hang out at his place, he's been bringing up little references to obscure facts about me (my tastes, etc.) and our relationship, and just generally joking around with me and teasing me. And it's been pretty much a week of this, and we've both been initiating texts and phone calls back and forth. I've just seemed to slip really easily back into his life, and he appears to be making an effort to make me feel comfortable and even special. He's also been completely ignoring the girl he started seeing right after we broke up, so they're apparently not together anymore.

 

So I'm not sure if he's starting to feel like reconciling, or if he's just showing that he still cares about me as a person, or if it's just out of habit. We tried being friends right after the breakup, and this is a complete 180 from how he was treating me then (and how I was expecting to be treated when we started talking again). He's also a really firm believer in a foundation of friendship before relationship, as am I, and at least last time this is exactly how he got close enough to me and confident enough to ask me out. What do you think is going on?

[Dblock10]

I'm male, how old is he? are you?

 

i don't know the break up details. but he has seen another girl, so i assume he is or has gotten majority over you.

 

have you seen any one else?

 

from my point of view, if a guy puts in this amount of effort with an ex girl, yes they do want to reconcile etc. its obvious.

 

but i don't know the guy. maybe you should ask him. or go along with it but put your guard up. don't have any expectations and cross the bridge when you come to it

[Nicomis]

I'm male, how old is he? are you?

 

i don't know the break up details. but he has seen another girl, so i assume he is or has gotten majority over you.

 

have you seen any one else?

 

from my point of view, if a guy puts in this amount of effort with an ex girl, yes they do want to reconcile etc. its obvious.

 

but i don't know the guy. maybe you should ask him. or go along with it but put your guard up. don't have any expectations and cross the bridge when you come to it

 

He wants you and he to engage in some "sweet lovin down by the fire" JS

[tallydoo]

We're both in our early 20s.

 

We broke up after dating for a year because he was "worried" (possibly commitment issues, possibly due to circumstances outside of our relationship). We've been broken up for 4 months, tried being friends for a while, and then I cut off contact to heal. And as far as him seeing the other girl, they went on a few dates but it fizzled out after a couple of weeks; she still seems to be really interested in him, but he's not at all into her.

 

I've also called him out multiple times on mixed signals, both before we started dating and after we broke up, so you'd think he'd be careful of that...right?

[Dblock10]

so basically the grass wasn't greener for him.

 

either way, i would say he is interested again! what you going to do

[tallydoo]

Haha, that's MY question! Right now, I'm trying to hang out with him and be receptive and flirt back just a little, but it's starting to get exhausting being around him because he does SO MUCH and I can't stop myself from analyzing it. We got lunch with some friends today, and I'm planning on not seeing him for a while now. I've had a lot of people tell me to make him come to me, seeing as he was the one who broke up with me, but I also talked to a close friend of ours last night, who told me that I should kick him in the butt--I have to be more proactive and "catch him on the rebound". I'm just not sure how I would go about doing that, or if I should.

[Dblock10]

Haha, that's MY question! Right now, I'm trying to hang out with him and be receptive and flirt back just a little, but it's starting to get exhausting being around him because he does SO MUCH and I can't stop myself from analyzing it. We got lunch with some friends today, and I'm planning on not seeing him for a while now. I've had a lot of people tell me to make him come to me, seeing as he was the one who broke up with me, but I also talked to a close friend of ours last night, who told me that I should kick him in the butt--I have to be more proactive and "catch him on the rebound". I'm just not sure how I would go about doing that, or if I should.

 

catch him on the rebound? so you saying you might be the rebound from his last bit of fluff?

 

yeah i agree, he should be pursuing you, or your feel used if you have to go out your way to get him back so to speak.

 

what your doing is fine. and actually going a bit cold wouldn't hurt, get him thinking for once...

 

you need to not analyze it even though i know thats hard.

[tallydoo]

Okay. I'm going to see him on Friday for something, and I'm going to try to stay away until then. I went cold before, and it did clearly make him start thinking about things; I just hate to play games with him.

 

Just to clarify about catching him on the rebound: it seems to both the mutual friend and me like my ex's bouncing all over the place and trying to figure out what he wants--he may want me but isn't sure if he can reconcile for whatever reason--and I might have to be the one to get him to stop being out of control. So it's not quite the same sense as like a rebound relationship.

[Dblock10]

but why should you have to stop him bouncing around out of control.

 

true i hate games to, but in a way its not a game, its what you should do. failing all this, play your hand tell him you still have feelings and wondered if he feels the same. if so maybe you could meet and re connect

[tallydoo]

but why should you have to stop him bouncing around out of control.

 

This. I need to realize this. It's not my job anymore. I just want to help

 

I'll wait it out for a while longer. I'm just getting antsy because his birthday is pretty soon, and I have a perfect idea for it if this works out before then.

 

I promise, I am okay walking away from this if it becomes clear that this isn't going to work.

 

Thanks for all your insight.

[Stanza]

Hi,

 

Firstly, I'm taking it you've met a lot? So more than a couple times a week? I think to start with you need to go slow. Secondly, I don't like the mind games either but going hot and cold on either side will make things HORRIFIC down the line.

 

I think you need to talk to him and say something like, it's really great we can hang out but I am feeling that it would be good if it was once a week for the time being until we know where things are headed...

 

You can re-phrase of course, but the important bits are, say it from your view (I'm feeling...) and get it mapped out. So once a week, fortnight, whatever but get it clarified so that that is what it is and no mind games.

 

That's what I'd do anyway I think you're doing great with it all, I really do. He's going to flip-flop between pulling/pushing towards you and you have to go with that. I think having it clear how much you meet will help, then you can work on yourself and enjoying your time the when you're not with him. He is going to want to see how things are different, so make sure that whatever caused this BU originally is either improved on or away.

[tallydoo]

Hi,

 

Firstly, I'm taking it you've met a lot? So more than a couple times a week? I think to start with you need to go slow. Secondly, I don't like the mind games either but going hot and cold on either side will make things HORRIFIC down the line.

 

I think you need to talk to him and say something like, it's really great we can hang out but I am feeling that it would be good if it was once a week for the time being until we know where things are headed...

 

You can re-phrase of course, but the important bits are, say it from your view (I'm feeling...) and get it mapped out. So once a week, fortnight, whatever but get it clarified so that that is what it is and no mind games.

 

That's what I'd do anyway I think you're doing great with it all, I really do. He's going to flip-flop between pulling/pushing towards you and you have to go with that. I think having it clear how much you meet will help, then you can work on yourself and enjoying your time the when you're not with him. He is going to want to see how things are different, so make sure that whatever caused this BU originally is either improved on or away.

 

Hi Stanza,

Thanks for your reply! Yes, since last Friday we've seen each other for an extended period of time 6 times (we initially had plans for once, maybe twice, and then things just sort of snowballed). I'm definitely not planning on going cold--I've done that once before with him, before we were dating because he was actually playing with my feelings (unintentionally), and it really hurt him; I won't consider doing that to him without legitimate reason. I'm just planning on being too busy for more than once or twice a week It's also really hard because his brother and sister-in-law are among my best friends, and they're moving in about a week and a half, so I miss out on time with them if I say no to a lot of things that my ex asks me to do; plus others of his friends will invite me to things that he's going to be at just because I integrate so naturally into the group. It's just really weird being back and seeing how well we really do fit into each other's lives.

 

He's so far only done pulling, as far as we go; I'm more the one pushing him away (slightly, I promise!) and limiting the amount of time we spend together. He initiates plans most of the time, or like yesterday I'll text him about one of the plans that I missed ("Hey, sorry I couldn't come Tuesday, but if you didn't do (activity) I'd be up for doing it today!") and then he'll be excited that I'm free and quickly make up some plans to include me.

 

It's hard to know if the reasons for the breakup are still there--neither of us really knew what they were. It seemed to me like there were some commitment issues on his part, and his life was really unstable at the time and completely out of his control (even our relationship was a little tenuous because we were both graduating college and had no idea if we were even going to be in the same state next year), so I think he decided to take control of one of the few things he had a say in and make it stable...or something. I'm not really sure. I just know that he had a lot going on in his brain--it was nothing that was my fault, and it was nothing I could help with. So there's not much for me to work on except for being healed from the hurt.

 

Thank you so much for the help. I really do appreciate it, and if you think of anything else, feel free to post--I need all the help I can get!

[carhill]

We broke up after dating for a year because he was "worried" (possibly commitment issues, possibly due to circumstances outside of our relationship).

 

It's hard to know if the reasons for the breakup are still there--neither of us really knew what they were.

 

Resolving this part and communicating your perspectives is the first step.

 

The key is balance. Sure, you were attracted to each other and 'clicked' and that's why you became a couple. It's easy to fall back into that pattern. However, if nothing which precipitated the breakdown of your relationship has been resolved, whether that be with you, him or the relationship dynamic itself, history as they say, will repeat itself.

 

So, balanced with wonderful feelings of spending time with each other again should be a reflective and serious discourse about the nuts and bolts of the relationship breakdown, where each party owns their responsibility and communicates their perspective about personal growth and change.

 

Since you're in your early 20's, this type of dynamic is probably a few years to a decade in your future, so it's normal to full-steam ahead/waffle/go together-breakup, etc. at this time Don't worry about this. It's normal. Also normal is 'playing the field' and having other relationships, which teach about relationship dynamics.

 

 

Well, there's the 'fatherly' perspective from an old male.

[tallydoo]

Resolving this part and communicating your perspectives is the first step.

So, balanced with wonderful feelings of spending time with each other again should be a reflective and serious discourse about the nuts and bolts of the relationship breakdown, where each party owns their responsibility and communicates their perspective about personal growth and change.

 

Oh, I agree! Thanks so much for the input. Right now I feel like we're dancing around that first step, and I just have to wait for it to happen. In the meantime, though, I'm having fun watching this happen

[Iwantyouback31211]

Im glad things are getting worked out for you, if anything this could help with closure.

 

If hes showing that much interest in you, he is thinking about being with you still. Dont make it too easy for him though.

[Feelin Frisky]

My guess based on your express details is he's trying to make things right with you and move ahead with you as a couple. But all I can do is guess based on your qualifiers. "Males" don't think or feel as a block. But I wouldn't act that way unless I really cared.

[tallydoo]

Im glad things are getting worked out for you, if anything this could help with closure.

 

If hes showing that much interest in you, he is thinking about being with you still. Dont make it too easy for him though.

 

Thanks! I'm glad too; at the very least it's nice to know that we can hang out without it being awkward. My problem is typically that I make it too hard though, and I'm not sure if he'd have the confidence to actually pursue me without a little encouragement.

 

My guess based on your express details is he's trying to make things right with you and move ahead with you as a couple. But all I can do is guess based on your qualifiers. "Males" don't think or feel as a block. But I wouldn't act that way unless I really cared.

 

Haha, yes, I know that most males don't think the same. I just know that my male friends think about things like this differently than how I think about it, so I was hoping to tap into thought patterns that might be closer to my ex's than my own thoughts. Thanks for the insight

[tallydoo]

And I may have completely ruined things last night, or I may have magically fixed them. I have no idea. Anyway, I found out a close relative of my ex's (with whom he was really close and whom I've met) is on his deathbed, so I texted him my support and condolences, and we had a small conversation about it. Then a half-hour later, he texted me to see if I'd eaten dinner yet (I had and said so), and then about an hour later he updated me on his grandfather and we had a much longer text conversation about it that ended sort of abruptly with him not texting back for a while; and then finally he texted extremely late with "Thanks for texting me, I really appreciate it." So I may have played my hand a little too early, but no regrets. And he's leaving tomorrow to head out to his grandparents' place so at least I have some time to let the dust settle if I did screw it up.

 

I'm starting to go with my gut at this point; it's just easier than overthinking everything and trying to decide if something's too much or too little. Fingers crossed that I don't mess it all up!

[tallydoo]

And now he's invited me to go to a movie with some of his other friends. Here's the kicker, though--I'm the only female going or even invited, and all of his friends are taken.

 

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing--am I being friend-zoned, or is he just trying to feel me out a little in a more comfortable situation?

[leoc1973]

As a male. We usually don't wanna friend zone our ex's we usually want a relationship or them out of our lives. He is definitely reaching out to you for some kind of relationship.

 

Be very careful tho. You don't wanna be a F buddy while he is looking for Mrs. Right. I know I know. Like every one says... He's not like that, he would never do that, He's a lot deeper, bla bla bla! NO! he's a guy and he likes sex and a steady stream of it for that matter.

 

When you guys hang out is it just hanging out? Any kissing or sex? Has he tried? You have make sure that this little game he's playing isn't so that later on(if you guys are sex buddies) he can have what he wants and then play dumb saying he never asked you to get back together.

 

But from what I am gathering. He does want you. I just don't know if he wants you permanently or to get what he needs for now. Its not all about sex either. He might be looking for emotional love too. Just don't let yourself get in way deeper than he is letting himself.

 

Lots of times when we leave our girlfriends and meet someone new we see a new pretty girl and feel like we hit the jackpot and found such a great girl but after a little bit her crazy comes out and we want our ex's back because they are great source of emotional and physical support but it might just be a band aid and you might turn into a "for now" girl.

 

Just go slow and don't allow yourself to be used.

 

Oh and a question for you. The person that you are mutual friends with. Is this a male? He might have ulterior motives.

[tallydoo]

Answer: Yes, but he's also getting married soon and I don't think he would jeopardize that, especially considering how close I am with his fiancee as well.

 

Thank you so much for all of your insight! But do you have any tips on how to avoid being an emotional band-aid/what to watch out for? Do I just need to keep my distance?