Awful Breakup!

[tara1500]

Hi Everyone- I'm looking for some insight into my breakup and seeing if their is anything I can do to fix the relationship.

 

My ex and I still live together and I can't move out for a few months due to money situations. My Ex broke up with me on Wednesday and said it was because he wasn't attracted to me anymore we hadn't had sex for awhile which was all him not me. He also said he had been unhappy for years- which I don't think is the case. I asked him if he saw us reconciling in the future he said no I'm done with you, I don't want you ever again. However, he wants to remain best friends like we have been and even share our dog and go camping with our dog. We have been together for over 8 years- I just turned 30 and he is going to be 35 in a month.

 

I have gone above and beyond for this man helped him get into school, a job and he has a new sporting hobby he started about a year and a half ago- recently he's become really obsessed with it and fitness and has gotten into really good shape. (he has gone on a break the past two times he has gotten into great shape it's a weird thing he does- but this time I believe it's permanent.)

 

I did something I'm not proud of I looked at his phone while he was sleeping on Saturday morning. He had come home after 2AM on Friday. He had a fake guy name in his text messages and I read the messages and they were really sexually explicit from a girl he went on a date with- the messages started the day after he dumped me I'm not sure how he met her maybe online?

I just find it strange that the day after he breaks up with me he has lined up a date with someone for Friday and how sexually charged the conversation was.

 

A big part of me wants to try and work things out or see if we can reconcile- I dated him for almost my entire twenties and I'm devastated right now. I even bought some online Ex Recovery System Program- pathetic I know. However if anyone has used it - did it work for you?

 

My first question is how do I implement no contact if we live together? or does this fall under the limited contact model and how do I implement that successfully?

 

How can someone move on in the matter of one day of trying to find a hookup after 8 years together? it blows my mind.

 

Here's the thing I'm a really attractive girl, I have great educational credentials, I own my own business. Everyone comments to me including his mother what a huge mistake he has made and they all repeat the old adage to me you don't know what you have until it's gone and he will figure that out probably later rather than sooner.

 

I know I have to just start living my life- do I start going out with other people? Is there anyway that this limited contact stuff works? I don't even know what to do at this point. I appreciate all and any insight.

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi Tara1500,

 

First of all, let me just say I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, it's tough enough breaking up with someone, not to mention the added stress of having to see that person every day and in this case, actually live with them.

 

To be honest, it sounds like your ex is keen to test the waters a bit and play the field which you're right, is far easier when you can take your significant other for granted. He'd like you to "kind of" be in the picture and offer yourself as his best friend, person to confide in, etc while still feeling he's allowed to explore his options.

 

As you yourself pointed out, he tends to want distance when his body confidence is at an all time high which makes me think these actions have more to do with his unhealthy sense of self esteem than what you have or haven't done in the relationship. For some people, a significant other who's been loyal and steady is sort of a given and I wouldn't be surprised when he has some sort of set back to his own self confidence, he might start attempting to come back to you again. Just as a point of comparison, I helped my ex pursue his dream career and built up his very low self esteem and he then left. When he experienced a few knocks to that confidence (in part because it was something I was contributing to) he scrambled to try to recover the relationship. I wonder if your ex might be taking you for granted with all of this in a similar way.

 

I know this is incredibly hurtful and you feel like you've invested years of your life in someone. But to be honest, as difficult as it is to hold on to right now, I would hate for you to end up with someone like this for life - someone who's own confidence comes before everything else, including your well-being. I don't know if you guys discussed ever wanting to get married or have children but this doesn't sound like the type of man capable of handling anything near those types of responsibility. If he had lined up dates before he decided to end things, he's essentially just covering his ass and trying to make sure he doesn't have a period of time in which he isn't being validated. That is incredibly selfish and self absorbed and at 35, chances are this is a behaviour that would only become more exaggerated with time. He's too old too change but you're too young to not want something better for yourself.

 

I really think you need to physically remove yourself by staying with friends or spending as much time out of the house as possible. Be completely emotionally unavailable to him as well. If he's selfish and mean spirited enough to put you in this position where you're essentially trapped with him, then don't give him the benefit of your company without any of the responsibilities or commitments you deserve to ask for.

 

I'm not entirely sure what your ex is doing but he's really handled the situation incredibly badly. I know you have years of history with this man and believe me, when I was told my ex "wasn't worth it" I couldn't even wrap my head around not having him in my life on a hourly, let alone daily basis. But honestly, you deserve someone who has the integrity and depth to end things at the very least in a kind and respectful manner. You may have fallen in love with this guy when he was behaving in a different way, but his behaviour is inexcusable - be heart broken but moreover, be furious.

 

And when you're done being furious, as I did, you can start seeing this guy for what he is. You're going to get through this. No once could have believed those very same words less than me 8 months ago. But you seem like a lovely and very attractive girl and you deserve far better treatment.

[Sugarkane]

Really what a jerk! If he was unhappy for "years" why did he string you along for so long?!

[Tree_Salmon]

Pick up the pieces and move forward. You can be happy again just not with this person. Let it go.

[tara1500]

Thank you everyone for the advice- I feel like my life is in shambles at the moment.

 

I think it's going to be really hard to move on. He also has been sending me mixed messages which is worse. I went to stay with family for the weekend out of state and he sent me a text message last night asking if "everything was ok" I didn't respond for an hour or so and he wrote another text "saying I was ignoring him and it was rude and weird" I wrote back eventually and said my phone was on silent in my bag everything is great" he then responded "I was worried" and I didn't know how to respond to that so I said "oh ok" For someone who has done what he has done it surprises me that he worries at all about me. It gives me a little bit of hope that somewhere deep down he will want to try again at some point. 8 years is a long time to throw away in my opinion.

 

Also I'm stuck living at his house because I need until October to come up with enough money to move out my student loans drain my bank account every month.

 

Should I not read too much into his text messages? Do you think he still cares? I am really trying to implement limited contact and see if it works- I still am wondering if anyone has done limited contact and if anyone reconciled?

[KatZee]

You really need to take what he's saying at face value. I know you don't want to believe that he's been miserable for years, but there's a good chance he has. Especially if he literally said those words to you, hasn't been sleeping with you, and pretty much slammed the door in your face in regards to a recon.

 

I know YOU want to recon, but both people have to want that. You snooped in his phone and you found some extremely sexually explicit texts. I need to tell you that he didn't just end it with you and find this girl. He's KNOWN THIS GIRL. I can't say for how long, but it's been long enough for him to start up an emotional affair. Possibly physical. Not sleeping with you is a huge indication of unhappiness/possible infidelity.

 

You've been with him an extremely long time. So this isn't going to be easy, but you need to get out of this apartment ASAP. There is no point waiting until October. See if you can move in with family for a short while.

 

My ex kind of acted like yours. On the outside he appeared happy and fine, but when it came down to it, he wasn't happy and he finally told me. People can be superb actors.

 

Keep your dignity intact. Don't beg for a chance with him again. He's made it clear he's uninterested and he's already fooling around with someone else. Do you really want to be living in an apartment with him, being around him as he goes out to meet/date this other female?

 

Also, that "Text your Ex" or whatever other program you got WILL NOT WORK. It won't really matter what you do or don't do at this point. He doesn't want to be with you. So LC/NC and all those games these programs teach you will have zero effect. Those programs only work if the person wants to still be with you on some level.

[tara1500]

Again thank you everyone for the advice. I feel like since we still are living together his constantly playing mind games with me. He keeps saying he doesn't want to get back with me. He keeps trying to have conversations like we used to have, and asks me where I'm going and with who- my response has just been I don't really need to answer to you anymore you broke up with me. He still keeps calling me his nickname for me and it's strange. Also we had to give our dog a bath yesterday and he told me he liked the color of toe nail polish I was wearing. Last night I said to him point blank when he was trying to engage me in conversation before I went to bed that I just didn't feel like talking to him that much. He also won't sleep on the couch he still sleeps in the same bed as me. I also tried to get him let me buy him out of the dog- and he refused said if I paid him 15K for the dog then he'd consider it. I said to him you do know that we aren't going to be able to do every other week it's just not going to work out.

I'm confused because I think he's sending me mixed signals, maybe he's just feeling guilty?

[Chi townD]

I think it's going to be really hard to move on. He also has been sending me mixed messages which is worse. I went to stay with family for the weekend out of state and he sent me a text message last night asking if "everything was ok" I didn't respond for an hour or so and he wrote another text "saying I was ignoring him and it was rude and weird" I wrote back eventually and said my phone was on silent in my bag everything is great"

 

REALLY?!?!?! WOW!!! This got me spun up! What you should have replied was " RUDE?!?! REALLY?!?!? Well, is it just as rude to go screw some girl less than 24hrs after our break up.....or not as much? Did you think that little of our relationship? Did you think that little of me? That you couldn't even mourn the loss of your relationship you cheating douche rocket! Do me a favor and go screw yourself! And go to the doctor because you probably got herpes dumbass!!!"

 

Sorry....that just...WOW!!! The balls on that guy.

 

Get out, break the lease, ask your folks for help to get setup somewhere far away from this asshat! You deserve soooo much better.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Chi townD

[tara1500]

Thanks again for the advice. I thought his text message was really weird and it's just on par with the games he is playing. Also he has started acting even more strange. Monday-Wednesday my Ex has been very nice to me bringing up our past history etc. He also keeps asking me where I'm going when I go out and who I'm seeing. Then Wednesday night I went out with a friend of mine who is going through something similar and I didn't tell My Ex where I was going he had gone to an exercise class and he texted me at 10:30 asked if I was coming home that I night I said yes I was. I then got back and he wouldn't speak to me and he spent two hours cleaning the kitchen, Thursday he wouldn't really speak to me either. Then on Friday he sent me a text he had gotten an award in his sport I didn't respond right away but I did end up texting him a congratulations. Friday night I get home from work and he has a buddy over and they are drunk. He tried to engage me in conversation when I was in the shower and then when I went to the bedroom. He came into the bedroom and was talking to me like nothing was wrong which kind of made me mad and I said look right now I don't like you. He then said well I like you. I said I don't like you again and he got angry and left the bedroom slamming the door. Then he came into the bedroom at 3:30 in the morning he was drunk and he took my hand and then gave me a hug and a kiss and said I'm sorry everything is like this right now. No matter what I will love you forever. I then said to him do you think we will end up getting back together at some point and he laughed and said why do you keep asking me this- I then asked again he said I don't know anything is possible. Considering when we broke up he said to me we were never going to get back together I find this confusing. He finally came to bed at 5 AM he was constantly texting someone until 7:30 in the morning I said who are you texting he said people you don't know. Now all day he is texting people back and forth and he keeps trying to engage me in conversation. He even asked if a shirt he was wearing looked alright. I feel like he's playing mind games! Does anyone have any advice on this?

I also feel since he broke up with me he doesn't have a right to ask me where I'm going, who I'm seeing, He also tries to look over my shoulder when I'm on my Iphone or Laptop and see what I'm doing. I am so confused! This behavior is so strange to me!

[StrangeBehaviors]

He's not sending you mixed messages.

 

You just don't understand the language.

 

You are, and have been for a long time, the fallback person. He improves himself physically, educationally, and/or financially to get someone different than you.

 

He's not sure he has got the other person in the position he wants so he is keeping you on the string with comments & actions. So here is what is going to happen.

 

1) He'll get them in the position he wants, and he will be done with you.

 

2) He can't get them in the position he wants, and he does whatever he can to reconcile with you. And you will go back to it thinking things have "worked out". Then he will begin his search again for a different person and you will be in your current position again until he achieves #1.

 

So in a sense, you will be a participant in your own demise unless you get cutthroat strong now.

[Samilia]

Can he be the one moving out instead of you is what came to my mind. I don't see it as a healthy situation to be living with him still.

 

Also, I don't see how you could be friend with a liar. Obviously he's been poking around dating sites or flirting with other girls for a while now, and that led him to decide to break up with you. He didn't wake up one day and all of the sudden decided it was over.

 

You're telling us that you're a good looking woman, independent, with your own business, I know it's 8 years of your life, but you're still young.. I would reflect on that, you can meet someone else without a problem. I would just give it a few months, or a even a year, and then start fresh.

[salmagundi]

oh man, Ifeel for you. I have exactly the same problem. I live with girlfriend who, as of yesterday, is now my ex. The problem is that she wants to continue living with me (?!) inthe same apartment. That feels like i would be opening myself up to a world of pain...but on the other hand we have 11 months and 2 weeks left on our lease so I'm kinda stuck....

 

damn....

[Samilia]

oh man, Ifeel for you. I have exactly the same problem. I live with girlfriend who, as of yesterday, is now my ex. The problem is that she wants to continue living with me (?!) inthe same apartment. That feels like i would be opening myself up to a world of pain...but on the other hand we have 11 months and 2 weeks left on our lease so I'm kinda stuck....

 

damn....

 

How much would it cost you to break the lease?

[salmagundi]

here in quebec leases aren't easy to break. I'm not sure what it entails but I believe it involves paying several months rent or finding a subletter (if the landlord will allow it.). I have a few friends that have broken up but been forced to continue sharing the appartment. It didnt look like much from the outside...I don't think I like it now that its my turn...

[tara1500]

Thanks again for the advice. I think I am going to work on moving on at this point. I just financially can't swing moving. I live in a really expensive state where rent for a one bedroom apartment is at least 1200 a month. Currently I run my own business in the legal field, do contract work for others and wait tables a few nights a week to pay my $2000/month student loan payments. I have to wait until October when my friend's lease is up so we can rent a place together- it's the only way I can afford to move. I think last night was the nail in the coffin for me- He made us dinner and invited me to watch TV with him so I did. Then I saw he had put a password on his phone so I laughed and said that's funny. He said what's funny? I said the fact you put the password on your phone I'm not going to look at your phone again I just needed some answers at the time. I then said to him it hurt my feelings at how fast you had lined up someone to fool around with. He responded by saying our relationship had been dead for months, then he started yelling at me that I was a leach on his life, an albatross around his neck, That he couldn't wait to f*** a girl that wouldn't wince in pain (sex was an issue for us the one way he loved to have sex hurt for me other ways were fine it was just that one way hurt) and he couldn't wait to upgrade me. All he does is his sport, he barely works and only works enough to pay his bills - he started his own company and doesn't have much motivation to build it. I don't understand who he thinks he can get. It blows my mind at how mean he has been to me and the anger and venom he has towards me. I've done nothing except be his number one cheerleader for years and I was always in his corner supporting him, loving him etc and this is how he treats me. He even said to me last night how I was trash and he was glad he kicked me to the curb. I have a law degree, I'm incredibly motivated with my work, I'm a good person- treat everyone with respect and kindness, and to see this is how he feels about me really makes me sad and angry- because I'm not those things. I've worked hard my entire life to get where I am today.