evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I'm the H. We have three kids...13,11,9. I think my wife has borderline personality disorder, and I don't want the kids around her anymore. Do I have any chance to actually get full custody? If it helps, she cheated on me too. Should I act like I don't want the divorce, but I have to for this kids sake? Or play hardball all the way and go for blood? I met with a lawyer a few years ago after the affair, and I imagine I'll ask him the same things...just wanting some other opinions I guess.
Nicomis Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I'm the H. We have three kids...13,11,9. I think my wife has borderline personality disorder, and I don't want the kids around her anymore. Do I have any chance to actually get full custody? If it helps, she cheated on me too. Should I act like I don't want the divorce, but I have to for this kids sake? Or play hardball all the way and go for blood? I met with a lawyer a few years ago after the affair, and I imagine I'll ask him the same things...just wanting some other opinions I guess. Cheating alone won't cost her custody. Much depends on what state you live in. If it's North Carolina congratulations! If it's Colorado, you are screwed no matter what. You need to postpone the divorce and document every jacked up thing she does. Hire a private investigator if you have to. You are going to have to prove, without question that she is the evil, bat**** crazy bitch that you know she is. If you can. Patch things up, and move to a man-friendly divorce state like Florida or North Carolina. In NC, if a spouse cheats, there is NO chance of her getting alimony. I got custody of mine, but my ex was a serious alcoholic. Don't feel bad about any of this, you know she will nail you to the wall if she can.
standtall Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Rose..more info is needed. Is she a SAHM? How long have you been married? Do you or her have a criminal history/ documented substance abuse problem..etc.
Author evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Sahm, yes. 16 years. No history although she drinks and attends alanon. Zero chance of getting her therapist to testify to her have borderline.
Albertan Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 You won't get full custody. The affair probably won't help either. What you can do is give her enough rope to hang herself in court though. People with BPD alienate people, lie, cheat and get irrationally angry. She will eventually alienate the kids, her family and friends. What you can do is be the best damn dad you can be, document everything and do not give her any help at all. With any luck, maybe she'll just walk away(?)
pteromom Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 You probably can't. But you can fight for joint custody. And you can make sure that the time they are with you is stable, loving, and secure. You can show them how to find joy in their life. You can smile when they say they love Mommy, and can hold them when Mommy does something irrational. 50% of a beautiful life is better than 100% of a chaotic fearful life.
Author evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Thanks everyone. I'm in a state that it is not going to happen. I'll be there for my kids no matter what. Thanks for trying to help!
M30USA Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Sahm, yes. 16 years. No history although she drinks and attends alanon. Zero chance of getting her therapist to testify to her have borderline. Her being a SAHM for 16 years will probably outweight almost everything in the eyes of the judge. I'm going through this right now. Women, as it stands, have a better shot with custody. Staying at home that long ups it even more. I agree, you're looking at joint custody at best. She probably will even get primary residence.
Radu Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Sahm, yes. 16 years. No history although she drinks and attends alanon. Zero chance of getting her therapist to testify to her have borderline. Talk to a lawyer in your state, this is a forum with 200+ nations represented. You probably know by now that BPD come in two varieties, high functioning [which hide it all from anyone but close family] and low functioning [which can't hide it from the public]. The former is very hard to show up in public, but both have a pattern of not honoring deals. You need a good plan, and if need be you need to play dirty [see if recording in the home is admissable]. Document everything. Judges tend to favor the SAHParent as the one having main custody and you will probably be required to pay alimony too. So you need ammo on her, to stay in your kid's lives. Proving that she is BPD might be detrimental to you, because it's classified as a mental disorder, sickness, and you 'should be helping her'. It can be used to excuse her. Because she is a SAHP and a woman, the judge will probably treat her with gloves, while any breaking of deals by you will be treated harshly, so you must take care. I hope you don't live in Canada, because this is going to be quite an uphillbattle [she can do a lot of nasty things, there were cases with false DV allegations, trying to get Police to kill the other one, or even killing their own children when the judge started seeing through the mask]. I think in most countries, at around 14, kids can decide with who they want to live. Also, when kids develop their mature personalities, they tend to clash with the BPD if they don't buy fully in their bull****, making them their enemy, alienating them; you being there as a haven of normality will help them a lot. I want you to look up shrink 4 men on google and get in touch with the ppl there. It is run by someone in the mental health field and had some info on law as well.
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Contary to popular belief ~ nationwide ~ the single primary reason men do not get primary custody is simply because they hands down defacto do not seek it! This is for a number of reason ~ the number one is the soceital and cultural fallacy that they've not a snowball's chance in Hell of getting ~ So why try? Women seek, get and obtain priamary custody 90% of the time ~ again primarly because their husbands / SO's don't contest custody nor do they seek it? And if they do? They attempt it only once, if twice at best? But in the 10% of the custody cases in which the man seeks primary custody? They're awarded primary custody 90% of the time. The wife having been a SAHM for sixteen years is actually a negative in that she's been out of the workforce for the last sixteen years, and now is not the time to re-enter in this sad and bad economy for anyone. No one can support children on child support alone, even with a job. Having been a SAHM mom for the last sixteen years? She's going to have a rough time finding anything other than an entry level job with entry level pay. And contary to popular believe ~ child support ~ is meant for the support of the children. Not the continued support of a SAHM. What is paramount in the eyes of the court ~ yes any court in the nation and overseas is the overall general welfare, safe-being, well being, healthy emotional, physical and pyschological state of the children. With that said I would suggest you look into a book titied, "Second Chances" about the short, mid and long term effects of divorce on children. (It can reach into adulthood into their thrities and forties even) Were it me? I'd get a good lawyer and go for primary custody. Women these days think that its an automatic given that they're going to get not only primary custody, but that they can even prevent you from exercising your visitation rights ~ just because they've got a case of the azz at you. There's also to consider "Parential Alienation" ~ I would suggest you do some research on the subject as it is a very real potential to your current and future relationship with your children. 1
M30USA Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Gunny, Maybe the reason men only shoot for primary custody 10% of the time is because only 10% of cases involve a man with reasonable odds (ie, wife has criminal record, uses drugs, has a proveable mental illness, etc.) You really can't expect us to believe that fathers and mothers have an equal shot with all factors being equal. I would say many men dont't shoot for primary where there is a better than average shot, but the bigger factor is that courts still favor women. How can you deny that? My wife got arrested for domestic violence, was found to committed perjury in court, was stay at home mom for 5 years...and even with me pushing like mad for custody, we still got a temporary order split 50-50 with no declaration of primary residence.
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Gunny, Maybe the reason men only shoot for primary custody 10% of the time is because only 10% of cases involve a man with reasonable odds (ie, wife has criminal record, uses drugs, has a proveable mental illness, etc.) You really can't expect us to believe that fathers and mothers have an equal shot with all factors being equal. I would say many men dont't shoot for primary where there is a better than average shot, but the bigger factor is that courts still favor women. How can you deny that? My wife got arrested for domestic violence, was found to committed perjury in court, was stay at home mom for 5 years...and even with me pushing like mad for custody, we still got a temporary order split 50-50 with no declaration of primary residence. There's no question that in most jurisdicitions thorughout the United States that there's a definite bias toward awarding primary custody toward the mother. And this is based upon the wrong preconceived notion that Fathers simply cannot provide for the mental and emotional well being of children in a nutruring way that a mother can, expecially of little girls................... Or that Mother's cannot provide the masculine nuturing enviornment that a little boy would need. (Ref: "Gender Shock") My primary source in stating that Father's don't get primary custody simply because they fail to seek it was from the Nexus/Lexus database (a paid academic/research data base used by attorneys, researchers and such) for a paper that I wrote on the subject.
M30USA Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Got it, Gunny. I was reading more into your statement than you were actually saying. You were merely stating that fathers don't seek custody most of the time--which is true. I've realized that many women think that, just because a man cares for a child DIFFERENTLY than a woman, they aren't taking care of the child. Men don't get all bent out of shape over a simple scratch on the leg. Men foster the child's development and autonomy rather than making the child dependent upon them. Somehow the courts only think that the female way of raising children is the right way.
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Got it, Gunny. I was reading more into your statement than you were actually saying. You were merely stating that fathers don't seek custody most of the time--which is true. I've realized that many women think that, just because a man cares for a child DIFFERENTLY than a woman, they aren't taking care of the child. Men don't get all bent out of shape over a simple scratch on the leg. Men foster the child's development and autonomy rather than making the child dependent upon them. Somehow the courts only think that the female way of raising children is the right way. Years ago I had a friend of mine whose wife was taking night classes at the local university. Before she would leave she would have his and the children's dinner fixed. One morning the chldren came to her starving! She got upset with the DH and asked why when she had prepared dinner for them the night before. He told her it was because the children had turned their noses up at what she had prepared for them, and he said "Fine! Off to bed with you!" She threw a hissy fit about it! But to this day? Their children eat what's put on the table and haven't turned their noses up at whatever's put on the table. My XHEX would use to spend a good fifteen ~ twenty minutes fussing, arguing, negotiating which fast food resturant to eat at? Me? I never had that problem! I'd pick one and they never had a problem with it, (usually its the one that giving out the latest toy what-ever and not the food) Women and men's parenting methods, approaches aren't necessarly better or worse. Just different. Both parents and both genders bring different unique things to the table.
Radu Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think one relevant difference in the way men and women see kids is on the airplane. Almost every time, a woman will put the breathing bag on her child before putting it on herself, they need to be reminded of this. Men don't, and the correct way to put them is first on adult, then on child. Put a picture of an attractive man, an attractive woman, an attractive couple deep in love, and a woman with a baby and most of the times the women will look at the woman with a baby. Women generally get horrified when they see how their husbands play with the kids, example ... tossing the child into the air and catching it. I don't think there is a right way and a wrong way to raise children when it comes to women and men, but a child needs input from both. I've seen quite a few momma's boys raised by single mothers, who can't even wash their socks. 1
M30USA Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 Gunny and Radu, Excellent posts. I totally agree. But how about when you have a spouse (man or woman) who downright refuses to let the kids be parented in any way other than their way--and gets in a knock down, drag out rage if you don't agree? 1
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 I think one relevant difference in the way men and women see kids is on the airplane. Almost every time, a woman will put the breathing bag on her child before putting it on herself, they need to be reminded of this. Men don't, and the correct way to put them is first on adult, then on child. Well Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was going to do that anyway!! :lmao: And while we're on the subject? Only 2 % of any and all air plane accidents occur whle over water? And they tell you that in such an accident? You can use the seat cushion as a floatation device! What I want and need is one of those seat cushions that bounce across those corn fields. :lmao: And then they ask you how much you weigh on those prop jet commuter air planes so they will know how much fuel to put in the plane? :eek: FILL THE DAMN THING UP!!!!!! FILL IT UP!!!! FILL THE DAMN THING UP! :mad: :lmao: 1
M30USA Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 All I know is this... When my son (just a baby at the time) was walking along a dock, he came close to the edge and tripped. I darted over there in the BLINK OF AN EYE and was literally ready to jump into the water (which was a swamp with deadly mud). I didn't see my wife doing the same. It was just ASSUMED that it would have been me. Yes, I know women have their own kind of love, but I bet 9 out of 10 times other couples would have the same thing happen: the man would jump in.
Author evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Don't forget my wife is crazy! 1
Author evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Thanks. If it comes to that, I will contact you.
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