If we all ask ourselves what we want at the very first beginning

July 8, 2012

After reading posts here that (mostly) OWs express their pain, I was wondering if we all ask ourselves what we want at the very first beginning or at early stage when involved with the MM, as well as asking the MMs where the relationship going and reinforce to get straight answers, I guess we would not be here then.

Is that right?

July 8, 2012

I think we all know what we want.. that's happiness for most of us like me.

Those who don't know what they want dumb their partner like it's their fault and give them all the pain what in my opinion what goes aroud..comes around.

July 8, 2012

What I meant is that if OWs ask their MMs to leave their marriages/wives before being deeply involved with them, I guess the Affair would not go very long. Correct? Or I look at things in too simple way?

I think we all know what we want.. that's happiness for most of us like me.
Those who don't know what they want dumb their partner like it's their fault and give them all the pain what in my opinion what goes aroud..comes around.

July 8, 2012

What I meant is that if OWs ask their MMs to leave their marriages/wives before being deeply involved with them, I guess the Affair would not go very long. Correct? Or I look at things in too simple way?

Not necessarily, no. Every situation is different and every person is different. I've read a lot on this site and the one trend I see a lot of is that MP will make false promises and future fake as long as possible if that's what's needed to keep the AP content. Which means that OW/OM may very well ask the MM/MW at the beginning to leave the M/R and then MM/MW will agree, "but.." and then the excuses start. In some cases the MM/MW lies about the fact that they're married, claim to be divorced, separated, ect., so the AP doesn't know TO ask them to leave their other relationship. And sometimes OW/OM start out not caring, it's just a fling, a good time, not lookin for a R with MM/MW and then they get in deeper than anticipated. And at that point they may ask MM/MW to leave the BS, but are also I think more willing to stick around BECAUSE of the bond that was formed BEFORE that's what they wanted. Every situation is different.

July 8, 2012

At the start we wanted the same, to have a part-time relationship with emphasis on sex. In the middle I wanted more and he was not ready. In the end we both wanted more so he left his wife and we did our thing.

I honestly don't think it's as simple as the OP suggests, but sometimes it is!

July 8, 2012

Hi Trinity - are you a OW or OM? Who is Neo?

Both Neo and I made clear from the beginning where we stood. Him that his intention was to stay married and faithful, me that my intention was a regular relationship with no wife on the sidelines. Here we are six years later.

July 8, 2012

In my case, my ex had different motives depending on the affair.

From her first affair with older sugardaddy, she wanted attention and expensive gifts. I don't think she ever saw it as a long term thing. Just milking the guy for trips to Europe, jewelry, fancy restaurants etc. When she got tired of him, she moved on.

But I believe her second affair started out for fun and "trophy hunting" to placate her low self esteem. It felt good for her to steal the attention of a young married doctor who works out a lot. And who already had an attractive wife and a newborn.

Then of course, once she started having sex with this doctor, she began to catch deeper feelings for him. And her hopes of a future with him began to build up. So her expectations from the affair evolved from casual to serious. From what I can tell, the doctor told my ex that he would not leave his wife for her.

So there was no conflict of interest when the either affair began. But desires can change.

So now on the other hand, my ex is now determined to break up his marriage and get the guy to marry her. I really don't think he'll ever get divorced. He's got a newborn and an attractive wife (who is also gonna make lots of money). So now the guy is cake eating. Until the fog lifts for one of them...

Edited July 8, 2012 by Fitz

July 8, 2012

How long were you involved with your MM so far? I can imagine how much pain/heartbreak time you have gone through. I could not imagine I will face that, thus two days ago I had set him straight that since he told me that he is not able to leave marriage now and all the equities, moneies...etc he has been working hard - that he would not want his wife to split 50% because of divorce. So I decided we ended A now, even though the A with him was beautiful, full of passion because I love him.

Also trinity - what is the age difference between you and MM.

Yes, I am an OW. Neo is my MM. I told him from the beginning I wanted him to make a decision and choose between his wife and I and he agreed to do so. Turns out it was harder than he thought to do so. He tried many times to choose his marriage but was unable to let me go. Now he chooses me but is unable to let the marriage go. I say "marriage" because being married to her includes so much more than just her being his wife.

Edited July 8, 2012 by Mount

July 8, 2012

What I meant is that if OWs ask their MMs to leave their marriages/wives before being deeply involved with them, I guess the Affair would not go very long. Correct? Or I look at things in too simple way?

Well, the thing is most OW have no thought of MM leaving his wife without/until they are deeply involved. Without developing feelings that would fuel the desire to want MM to leave his M, there would be no need for OW to ask him to. It kinda seems like putting the cart before the horse IMO. Most OW don’t think of their ideal R as one with a MM so to say “I want you to leave your W as a prerequisite or just in case feelings develop” in the beginning stages of an A isn’t something I think crosses the mind. Besides, plenty of MM make promises to leave the W, but with no real intentions to. So even if you allow yourself/feelings to progress because of this understanding there’s no safeguard that you still won’t be hurt in the end.

As far as the thread question, sometimes you’re on the same page initially, but things don’t go as planned. xMM and I had an (unspoken) understanding that we were a no-strings-attached R and stated several times there was no intention by either of us that he would leave his W. This worked for us for a long time until life threw us a couple of curve balls and things changed from what we initially intended. Sometimes, you just get more than you’ve bargained for.

July 8, 2012

After reading posts here that (mostly) OWs express their pain, I was wondering if we all ask ourselves what we want at the very first beginning or at early stage when involved with the MM, as well as asking the MMs where the relationship going and reinforce to get straight answers, I guess we would not be here then.

Is that right?

I had a thread some time ago asking a similar question, that is, did the relationship have a goal/trajectory that was discussed before hand or was it just something you played by ear.

I don't think most people are intentional and direct when it comes to romantic relationships. I certainly never used to be and had you asked me back then, I'd say the same as most say "It just happened. We didn't plan for it. We fell in love. One thing lead to another" etc. Now, I am clear when I go into any romantic dalliance what I want and don't want and whether it has potential or not before diving in.

Yes, forethought and planning in any situation alleviates a world of woe. But a lot of MM and OW are just going on feelings, emotions and instant gratification. It feels good so we will do it. It is often talked about that if it feels beneficial they will do it until it doesn't....that's about as far as it often goes. This is not only in As, but regular relationships as well. It's common in our society to associate love with "falling in it", "head over heels", something that controls and consumes you and that you must pursue and not think about. So most people don't. If it feels good now, it's good now. What happens later is dealt with later and then hindsight becomes 20/20.

July 8, 2012

At the early stage of my relationship with MM that started from the end of May, I did not mean to have him leaving marriage/wife right away. HOWEVER, I don't feel satified that we sneak aound each week and he can only give a little percentage of time as he has to act 100% in his family with his wife. Meantime he is not willing to leave marriage now, and can not promise in next 6 months or next few years either when I was asking him the key question

So that sets me clear that going forward if I continue A with him, that would bring me bitterness. Is that right?

I had a thread some time ago asking a similar question, that is, did the relationship have a goal/trajectory that was discussed before hand or was it just something you played by ear.

I don't think most people are intentional and direct when it comes to romantic relationships. I certainly never used to be and had you asked me back then, I'd say the same as most say "It just happened. We didn't plan for it. We fell in love. One thing lead to another" etc. Now, I am clear when I go into any romantic dalliance what I want and don't want and whether it has potential or not before diving in.

Yes, forethought and planning in any situation alleviates a world of woe. But a lot of MM and OW are just going on feelings, emotions and instant gratification. It feels good so we will do it. It is often talked about that if it feels beneficial they will do it until it doesn't....that's about as far as it often goes. This is not only in As, but regular relationships as well. It's common in our society to associate love with "falling in it", "head over heels", something that controls and consumes you and that you must pursue and not think about. So most people don't. If it feels good now, it's good now. What happens later is dealt with later and then hindsight becomes 20/20.

July 8, 2012

The age difference is 18 years 3 months.

Mount, what is the age difference in your case?

July 8, 2012

At the early stage of my relationship with MM that started from the end of May, I did not mean to have him leaving marriage/wife right away. HOWEVER, I don't feel satified that we sneak aound each week and he can only give a little percentage of time as he has to act 100% in his family with his wife. Meantime he is not willing to leave marriage now, and can not promise in next 6 months or next few years either when I was asking him the key question

So that sets me clear that going forward if I continue A with him, that would bring me bitterness. Is that right?

Most likely.

I did not expect mine to leave either, but that didn't change how I felt in terms of feeling like there was a built in glass ceiling. Over time I wanted more and wanted to be able to plan in the same way I would with a single boyfriend. I couldn't. It did make me build up resentment, as instead of leaving, I expected him to magically decided he wanted what I wanted. He wasn't budging...something had to give...and often it's the OW. Why though? Think about it...why should you have to be the one compromising the most or giving up what you really want?

I think we have to be clear about what we want and be willing to walk away if it's not met. Some bargain, some lower their expectations...I wouldn't recommend it though, as usually that still leads to resentment. Iit's usually not that you now realize you don't in fact want what you said you wanted/needed, but you just can't get it, so you say oh whatever, i'll be happy. I tried that...I couldn't silence my true feelings though.

July 8, 2012

That is why I decided to end the A with him now.

At the early stage of my relationship with MM that started from the end of May, I did not mean to have him leaving marriage/wife right away. HOWEVER, I don't feel satified that we sneak aound each week and he can only give a little percentage of time as he has to act 100% in his family with his wife. Meantime he is not willing to leave marriage now, and can not promise in next 6 months or next few years either when I was asking him the key question

So that sets me clear that going forward if I continue A with him, that would bring me bitterness. Is that right?

July 8, 2012

Hi LadyGrey, first of all I am so glad that you replied my post as I was reading your posts to others, that so insightful.

Yes, so what you really trying to say? Were you saying that he was simply just playing (or using) me...? I had such impression as well and I asked of course, and the MM told me that he loved me, cared deeply about me....blah...blah. He claimed that his wife does not have sex with him for many years because her age (also close to 60 y/o soon), and has no emotion connection with him, although he does have strong feeling for her as the family member; Plus all the complication behind the marriage - assets/houses/stocks, relation with adult children, he does not want to leave marriage NOW. But again, very simple, I need answer to be yes or no, so he said no, so I told him I let you go last Friday. He agreed as well, and asked me to be his friend, and I disagreed.

I could be wrong, but I bet you assumed that because he was willing to have an affair with you that you were under the misconception that he was in an unhappy marriage and the odds were that he would leave if he starting caring for you, right?

Edited July 8, 2012 by Mount

July 8, 2012

After reading posts here that (mostly) OWs express their pain, I was wondering if we all ask ourselves what we want at the very first beginning or at early stage when involved with the MM, as well as asking the MMs where the relationship going and reinforce to get straight answers, I guess we would not be here then.

Is that right?

Yes, in my experience. We discussed and agreed expectations, and the R met those.

July 8, 2012

When we were just starting to be physical, the MM admitted that he had been attracted to me for very long time, thinking of me at night (sexually), and as for me I am always attacted to him very strongly over the time I worked for him, the we got closer and closer as best friends/special friends, then affair. I guess at that time my emotion was controlling my logical mind. Plus I am always into elder guy, guess it would be another topic though:rolleyes:.

Well you can't know for certain what is someone's else motives are but from what you posted, your mm just wanted an affair, had no intention of ever leaving his marriage. He wants both. I think most men are this way.

One thing that might be helpful for you is to examine why you felt it was OK to get yourself into a high risk situation, (him being married) so you will recognize the signs of an unavailable man, married or otherwise and you won't put yourself out there like that again and invite that pain into your life.

Congrats for knowing when to call it a day and move on!

Edited July 8, 2012 by Mount

July 9, 2012

LadyGrey, any insights for those reasons why I stepped in the A at the first place? :cool:

When we were just starting to be physical, the MM admitted that he had been attracted to me for very long time, thinking of me at night (sexually), and as for me I am always attacted to him very strongly over the time I worked for him, the we got closer and closer as best friends/special friends, then affair. I guess at that time my emotion was controlling my logical mind. Plus I am always into elder guy, guess it would be another topic though:rolleyes:.

July 9, 2012

No, none of them, not at all.

The only thing that sits background is that, the MM was my old boss that we had been working together for a couple years, thus I guess the attraction was developed. He helped me at work a lot, plus I said before I am into elder guy, that is why I flied into the flame(?). My last relationship was ended almost 4.5 years ago, after that, before the Affair, no relationship at all.:confused:

You haven't really told us anything about your background so I don't know but the first question I would ask is there a history of infidelity in your family?

A recent romance or job ending, a death of someone close to you?

July 9, 2012

Yes of course, this was my 1st A. As I mentioned earlier and the MM also admitted that he was attracted to me for long time, so over past year he gave me lots of hints at workplace, by touching me a lot...etc (you can say it was sexual harrassement) but I was attracted to him as well. I am not saying that he was schemed to have me being his OW, but somehow I was being sucked in.(?)

The older guy thing, I can relate to that when I was younger, I'm middle aged now so now I'd prefer them more my age. lol Anyway, when I was younger and I liked the older guys, (not always) it was because of my daddy issues.

One more question, was that is your 1st affair with a mm? If so, why did you allow yourself to feed the attraction knowing he was married?

Edited July 9, 2012 by Mount

July 9, 2012

I was not aware the attraction untill last summer he made a pass on me. Initially I felt angry then over the time I felt attracted to him as well, then over the time I decided that I wanted to be involved with him. Then of course I dont feel right that I cannot have him 100%.

As the MM told me he never touched any other women besides his wife over the 35 marriage. I had asked if he had any other EAs/PAs, of course his answer is no.

I think you missed this question, why did you feel it was OK to feed the attraction to him knowing he was married? Why was he not off limits?

Actually he very well may have schemed. Men often sense a vulnerability in who they might have a chance with. Do you know if he has had other affair?

July 9, 2012

LadyGrey, any further perspective on this. Honest to say I feel a bit pain inside of me for letting him go, I love him even though the "love" might be just a delusion and I am in my very late 30's I am not supposed to be so naive anymore.:(:(

I was not aware the attraction untill last summer he made a pass on me. Initially I felt angry then over the time I felt attracted to him as well, then over the time I decided that I wanted to be involved with him. Then of course I dont feel right that I cannot have him 100%.

As the MM told me he never touched any other women besides his wife over the 35 marriage. I had asked if he had any other EAs/PAs, of course his answer is no.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Mount

Sign In

If we all ask ourselves what we want at the very first beginning

Recommended Posts

Mount

Alban

Mount

Ducky23

Silly_Girl

Mount

Fitz

Mount

skylarblue

MissBee

Mount

Mount

MissBee

Mount

Mount

cocorico

Mount

Mount

Mount

Mount

Mount

Mount

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...