justwhoiam Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I'm in my late 30s, he's in his late 40s. He lives in the US (East Coast). We've been in touch for 10 years, he was in love with me for most of the time, but I never really took it seriously, because we were both married and with our respective families. I never flirted with him (I never flirt with anyone), I've never been into him as a man. We were friends. But something was really lacking in his marriage and, sad to say, in mine too (over the years). Then the turning point, last Summer. He flew to Europe and we met. It was special. I didn't meet him with any intention of falling for him or anything. We talked, spent time together and I guess I was moonstruck (please don't laugh at this, I'm serious). There was a full moon and we were out at the beach until past 3 am. I never cheated on my husband and even on that occasion I was the good girl that I am. He held me, we hugged and it was a thrill. He wanted to kiss me so bad, but I didn't want. We said goodbye and I didn't even know if we would have met ever again. Then he was head over heel mad about me. As it was a confirmation of all those years being in love with me. The relationship got stronger, we felt closer to one another. I fell for him really bad. I took a chance the following Fall to go on a business trip. We met again and passion took over, but we didn't make love, almost got there... He wants me to leave my husband and live with him. He wants to marry me. I'd love to marry him, but I feel the responsibility behind that. We both have little kids and I am not that selfish as to take him away from his family and it's something I don't feel like doing myself right now. But that has nothing to do with my love for him, which is boundless. Marrying and getting divorced is quite "common" in the US, not where I live. I don't want to sound too churchy, but I would have never believed I could be the other like this, for the way I am and I have always been. I can be very rational, but I have been controlling my emotions all my life long and it comes a time when you just want to be yourself, without letting society laying down all the laws for you. You feel trapped in the end. But I know what sacrifice is and - in spite of the fact that I am very unconventional and open - I would renounce everything just for the well-being of others. It's not easy being in such a relationship with him right now. I want to marry him, he wants to marry me. He says he knows we will get married and he will wait, because I'm the only woman he wants. Now, I'm visiting him again this year. And I guess we will make love over and over again. Because we've been away from one another for so long... You can't take it anymore. Being with him physically felt so natural and wonderful, it can't even be explained. He keeps saying we belong with one another. Has any of you been in a LDR and waited before making love? I mean, did you have sex the first time you met him/her? Or did it take a while to get there? I guess it also depends on how important it is to you, and that's very subjective. To me it's a huge thing. I'm not an easy woman. I need to be sure about the man and his feelings. I need love to engage in any sexual practice. Not talking about my love, more about his. P.S. Just to make it clear, we both see a lot of people, my work gets me in touch with people from all over the world, but I've never looked for men (though I've had advances). He meets a lot of people too, mainly from the showbiz, so I am sure he could have had affairs if he wanted to, he's just not that kind.
TMichaels Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) We've been in touch for 10 years, he was in love with me for most of the time, but I never really took it seriously, because we were both married and with our respective families. I never flirted with him (I never flirt with anyone), I've never been into him as a man. We were friends. But something was really lacking in his marriage and, sad to say, in mine too (over the years). Then the turning point, last Summer. He flew to Europe and we met. It was special. I didn't meet him with any intention of falling for him or anything. We talked, spent time together and I guess I was moonstruck (please don't laugh at this, I'm serious). There was a full moon and we were out at the beach until past 3 am. I never cheated on my husband and even on that occasion I was the good girl that I am. He held me, we hugged and it was a thrill. He wanted to kiss me so bad, but I didn't want. We said goodbye and I didn't even know if we would have met ever again. He wants me to leave my husband and live with him. He wants to marry me. I'd love to marry him, but I feel the responsibility behind that. We both have little kids and I am not that selfish as to take him away from his family and it's something I don't feel like doing myself right now. Now, I'm visiting him again this year. And I guess we will make love over and over again. Has any of you been in a LDR and waited before making love? I mean, did you have sex the first time you met him/her? Or did it take a while to get there? I guess it also depends on how important it is to you, and that's very subjective. To me it's a huge thing. I'm not an easy woman. I need to be sure about the man and his feelings. I need love to engage in any sexual practice. Not talking about my love, more about his. Uh, "Denial" isn't a river in Egypt, but it sure seems like it's overflowed its banks right outside your door. Let me see if I have this straight. He's miserable in his marriage and after a decade of sniffing around and you up, you innocently meet up with him in Europe, and after sitting on a moonlight beach with someone who's not your husband and in fact has a wife/kids of his own, you're besotted. But no harm done. "You've been a good girl." You never flirt; you never had the hots for this guy, you didn't let him kiss you during your first rendezvous, and maintained your chastity the second time when you snuck off and spent time with someone who had already professed his love for you under the guise of going on a business trip. He wants you to leave your husband and family and go live with him. But, you are "not that selfish as to take him away from his family." Yet you're planning another illicit meeting and your most burning issue to is to poll others to see how soon they had sex with someone with whom they were in a LDR in order to put your conscience at ease? You're joking, right? Do everyone involved a huge favor, and quit trying to to convince yourself and everyone else that you're a saint. You can paint it any way you like, but the fact is, you did nothing to stop things from progressing with this guy when you knew his true feelings despite the fact neither of you are legally or morally available. In fact, you encouraged the affair by secretly meeting him again, and are planning another tryst. You've been unfaithful to your spouse, and are contemplating adultery. Sorry, but no matter how much you would like to profess your piety and innocence, how selfish can you be? I don't care if you've repressed your emotions from the time you popped out of the womb. The two of you are MARRIED. If you want to lark around and have a relationship with another man, do the "selfless" thing and get out of both of the ones you're in. Then, spend some time figuring out why you got yourself into this situation in the first place. Clearly, there's something going on of which you may not even be aware. Get to the bottom of it with the help of a professional -- if not for yourself, but for the sake of your husband and kids -- whom from all accounts are the real innocents here. Best, TMichaels Edited July 8, 2012 by TMichaels 4
Author justwhoiam Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) 1) The trip I had was for a company I was working for and no, it was not to cover illicit meetings, it was a real business trip. 2) I was not trying to look any better than I am, nor asking for your permission to end in bed with anyone. 3) I didn't ask for advice on what to do, I was just curious to know about US people habits & customs, as that's not my culture. As I said, I know it's subjective, but I guess the environment in which you were brought up can affect one's intimate area. 4) Don't be shocked, but my husband knows about this. I didn't share details about my marriage, nor I'm willing to do this. 5) Being with someone who's married is not something anyone should do lightly. That's what kept me from having sex so far. 6) But things change, so maybe I am ready for a change. If and when I am sure this relationship is serious and not an affair. So whether to wait 5 years or 10 or not waiting at all is up to us. Edited July 8, 2012 by justwhoiam
TMichaels Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) 1) The trip I had was for a company I was working for and no, it was not to cover illicit meetings, it was a real business trip. Doesn't matter. You knew the guy was married. You knew you had fallen for him. If you didn't want the relationship to progress, you would have gone on the trip, and NOT seen him. Or if it was impossible to avoid him, you would have gone on the trip, seen him, and told him it was inappropriate for you two to be anything more than friends or business acquaintances -- full stop -- because you both are married and it would be selfish for you to disregard the impact cheating would have on your families. But you didn't do that. 2) I was not trying to look any better than I am, nor asking for your permission to end in bed with anyone. 3) I didn't ask for advice on what to do, I was just curious to know about US people habits & customs, as that's not my culture. As I said, I know it's subjective, but I guess the environment in which you were brought up can affect one's intimate area. "How you were brought up can affect one's intimate area?" LOL, well you got that right. In most cultures, including in the USA, being married means you've made a commitment to another person -- you forsake all others -- which means you don't share your "intimate areas" with anyone but your spouse. If you want to sleep around, then you do it legally -- you get divorced -- and so should your paramour instead of playing you like a fiddle so that he can have his cake and eat it too as in living two lives and not making a 100% commitment to anyone -- not to you, his wife, AND both sets of kids. 4) Don't be shocked, but my husband knows about this. I didn't share details about my marriage, nor I'm willing to do this. LOL. Somehow I'm not surprised your husband is aware. But, I'm willing to bet your lothario hasn't told his wife. Generally, Americans aren't as laissez-faire as Europeans are about infidelity. Unless her morals are as low as his, if/when she becomes aware of his dalliances she'll be taking him for every penny he's worth in divorce court. 5) Being with someone who's married is not something anyone should do lightly. That's what kept me from having sex so far. Nice to know you at least recognize on some level what you are doing or considering is wrong -- especially since there are young children involved on both sides. 6) But things change, so maybe I am ready for a change. If and when I am sure this relationship is serious and not an affair. So whether to wait 5 years or 10 or not waiting at all is up to us. Since you've admitted that you are not familiar with American culture, here's a hint: The term "affair" in American culture is not used solely to describe a "temporary fling" between two people. It's a euphemism for being in an illicit relationship. Period. Doesn't matter if you're cheating on your spouse for 10 minutes or 10 years. Doesn't matter "if the two of you are serious" or not. If he starts sleeping with you, you're having an affair and your American lover boy is committing adultery which is legal grounds for divorce. As you pointed out in your original post, divorce is not uncommon in the US. About 50% of American first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages whether there are children involved or not. In other words, contrary to many European cultures where divorce is uncommon and spouses turn a blind eye to infidelity, Americans are far less tolerant about cheating. They don't see the point of staying in a uncommitted, unloving or abusive relationship and they aren't shy about ending things via divorce so they are legally and morally free to move on. You clearly don't care about that aspect of American culture, so I'm not sure why it matters two hoots about "what Americans think" in terms how long is it acceptable to be in a LDR before you have sex. You've got the shoe entirely on the wrong foot, but have at it. After all, all that counts in your and your boyfriend's minds is your own happiness. Everyone else is just insignificant and "collateral damage" in your book or else you wouldn't even consider getting into or continuing such a relationship just because "*you're* ready for a change." Best, TMichaels Edited July 9, 2012 by TMichaels 1
Celtica Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 If you want to sleep around, then you do it legally -- you get divorced -- and so should your paramour instead of playing you like a fiddle so that he can have his cake and eat it too as in living two lives and not making a 100% commitment to anyone -- not to you, his wife, AND both sets of kids. TMichaels hit in on the spot again. My dad had an affair for 8 years and played it out by being aloof, renting his own apartment "so he wouldn't have to commute far to work", and being incredibly condescending and rude to my mom. Honestly, he dragged his family and wife around - push and pull - plagued with doubts and escapism for nearly a decade. It was manipulative and controlling of him to do and I would have been much happier in those 8 years had I not been stuck in limbo and the drama of uncertainty. I had wasn't made clear about this affair until 2 years ago. He would have saved a lot of emotional grief had he divorced my mom sooner, but he was being selfish. HE didn't want to get hurt by his family's FAIR choice to either accept or not accept the consequences. An example of him trying to keep his cake and eat it too... Now... Considering you are the "other"... Well, my dad sounds just like this guy you are seeing. He wanted to marry the home-wrecker. But she was "afraid" she would never be "accepted" into OUR (my sister and me) lives. Are we serious here? Really? Accepting the woman who mutually seduced my dad during a weak point in his marriage? What foolish hopes come into the minds of dreamers. Would I welcome my dad's decision to divorce? Well, I would certainly go through the 5 stages of grief, and therefore be angry at one point, but I would eventually accept him and his decision. You are officially having an affair with another man. I don't care if you haven't had sex, you are involved as emotionally as if you had sex. With that type of attitude, both of you should be having a divorce no matter if you guys are having an affair with each other or are completely alone. OR you should resolve any marital issues you are having and cut relations. When you keep people in limbo that's when you are doing the most damage. From my own experience.
Author justwhoiam Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) Hi Celtica, I'm sorry to hear about your story. I wouldn't make comparisons though, except for the fact he was seeing another woman. Just to make it clear, I haven't been having an affair with him, and we've been friends for 10 years now. You can't stop your feelings I guess, but of course you can decide to hold your instincts, so that's what I did. I guess that's the best one can possibly do. I'm far from perfect. And it sounds like you both are quite young. It'd be funny if one day that happened to you both (not to one another, ha!). Anyway - to comment on TMichaels conclusions - that's why we met. We are friends. I'm not losing a friend because he has feelings for me (though now I also have feelings for him). If that means I'm a dreamer, maybe I am one. Mind you, he's not the only one who had, I just didn't have such feelings for the other two. One was a close friend, and I was single. And the other... I already had a boyfriend and then a husband. And everything has gone smoothly over decades (that means nothing ever happened with them). Weird enough, culturally speaking, I just see it the opposite way. People are selfish when they just care about their own happiness, and not care about others. If I were into that, I would leave my family, marry this guy and move to the US. My job would allow me to work there too. Or even, I could marry him and he could start living here (he could do that too) and he should leave his family and kids. Or we both go to Alaska and get lost (that's less feasible, because he would lose his job...). Last, but not least, please don't call him Lothario, because I don't think he is. He might be a jerk occasionally, but many men tend to be one now and then. Ha. (Again, no one's perfect). Now, that said, I guess we went rather off-topic here. So instead of being judgemental of our decisions about when to get married (which I clearly stated we both want, but I don't live in Las Vegas, and that might take 4 to 15 years legally), I am still interested in knowing about other people in a LDR. Edited July 9, 2012 by justwhoiam
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 This sounds soooooooooooo much like something NOT the product of true love meant to be, but instead the result of the dynamics of the human mind and the internet. Tiz probably true that anybody who you trust with many of your deepest vulnerabilities is going to seem more and more attractive as time goes by. The duration of your friendship and the tantalizing experience of suddenly meeting in person and wanting to somehow make-up for lost time in terms of various types of physical interactions, likely combine to have you both heated-up like crazy. While this guy may seem plenty deep and thoughtful to you, from afar, he is probably considerably shallow by U.S. standards. Those whose attention CAN be so easily swayed from (their emotional commitments) are never good bets for others to risk it all over. Most of what you have shared appears to be an electonic illusion in progress.
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