My wife cheated - dealing with it

[Wardy277]

I have been with my wife since we were 15. We got engaged at 19 and married at 24. Now just over 1 year on and I have found out that my wife had cheated.

 

She is a musician, and one day after a show she went round another guys house, made out and about tossed him off. She says that's all that happened and I believe this. The week of the show I took the week off as it was half term, she is a primary school teacher. But this show was a last minute minute. I was left alone at home while she went out. I had feelings that she was out later than usual and eventually I asked jokingly if she had cheated after telling me not to fee sorry for her about all the marking she needed to do.

 

We have been to marriage counseling but my wife said she wasn't ready and just felt numb. She has been going out with friends and drinking as she said it helps her deal with it. She feels very guilty and wants to be with me.

 

Meanwhile I am feeling very lonely. I am trying to be with her, cuddle kiss etc but she said I am smothering her and being too clingy. We have good day, e.g we went town shopping and had a good time but randomly I wake up feeling terrible.

 

It's been 1 month now and I don't feel any better. It's constantly in my thoughts. I did something stupid today, I went thorough her phone and found messages to her friends. At the time she said she misses the guy and he was lovely. She said that she was in a bad place back then and the guy she missed didn't exist. The guy took advantage of her and acted all nice and complimented her, but he was an ass and used her.

 

My wife has been diagnosed with depression over a year ago now. Her pills help her but she ran out and at the time of the affair she had not been taking them for 2 weeks. I want to belive it was just her state of mine but I can't help but think it will happen again.

 

She it still quite distant. We haven't had sex since (not for lack of trying on my point) I feel lonely and that she is getting over it faster than me. I love my wife and want to make it work. We don't have kids, our house is in my name so there is not much legal keeping us together.

 

Am I being stupid and she didn't have sex with him so it's no big deal? I don't know what I feel or how to deal with it. I randomly wake up feeling terrible and sick. Some time es I feel like the bad guy when I txt her when she is our, or her asking me if she can go out. I am not stopping her.

 

 

Any advise would be very helpful

[GLDheart]

...She has been going out with friends and drinking as she said it helps her deal with it...

 

SHE needs to deal with it? What a crock of shyt. I don't care about pills or depression or any other "surface" detail. Deep down your wife is doing what she wants to do. THAT IS SHE WANTS TO GO OUT AND EXPLORE. That is your problem. This hurts but it is the truth: She has lost attraction for you. She has "gotten the itch" to see if the grass is greener out there. AND SHE IS DOING IT WITH ALL OF THE COMFORTS OF HOME TO SUPPORT HER WHILE SHE PHILANDERS.

 

You now have two problems:

 

1. A wife that is walking all over healthy relationship boundaries.

2. Yourself that is willing to allow it.

 

Would you respect her if she just let you screw other girls with no ramifications? No you wouldn't. You'd treat her like dirt and cheat more. She has a crush on another guy and no attraction for you.

 

Can you get this back? YES! There is no gaurantee here, but either way YOU NEED DRASTIC ACTION. I have been in your shoes and it hurts, it kicks you right in the pride, it knocks you down a peg, and it makes you question everything.

 

I believe this is the moment in life for which they invented the phrase "If you love her, set her free. If she returns, it was meant to be."

 

In one way or another, you need to tell her: "Honey, I am starting to feel like your prison warden and I refuse to worry about your intentions in this relationship." "You are a grown woman making the grownup decision to cheat on me." "We have been through alot of life together, and to me that means everything." "However your actions tell me that you think very little of us. You are clearly throwing us away and I will not sit by IN GREAT PAIN and have you trash us, me, and everything good we ever shared." "I think it is time you go stay with your mother, a friend, this other man, or some damn hobo under a bridge." "I do not condone what you have done to me. I LOVE YOU but I HAVE SOME THINKING TO DO." "Please do not contact me until you have given this serious thought." "Your selfish actions have put me in a world of hurt." "I need some space and time to figure out IF I CAN EVEN BE WITH A WOMAN ACTING THE WAY YOU ARE NOW."

 

You may feel like kicking her out pushes her right into the arms of the other man. To that I ask: Could you even keep her away from him if you tried? Do you want to live in constant fear? Do you need the stress of babysitting a grown woman? The truth is SHE needs to do what is right for HER. Your hard stance on this will gain you self respect and also respect from her. In the end I hope she wakes up and picks you.

 

Good luck my man. I have walked in your shoes and feel your pain.

Edited July 8, 2012 by GLDheart

[DuckSoup]

Most likely your wife is in a full blown affair with this musician.

 

Cheaters always lie and minimize their conduct.

 

She has probably been in an affair for quite some time and has had full blown sex with him many times. There may have been multiple other affairs that you don't know about before and during the marriage.

 

Her reaction in continuing to reject you and going out partying is a very bad sign. Most likely she won't have sex with you because in her mind that would be "cheating" on her boyfriend! (Very common w/cheating wives btw.)

 

Sounds like she views her marriage to you as a "starter" marriage and now she is done with you, using you only for a financial support system (she's perfectly happy enough to go on shopping trips with you, I guess you are carrying her bags through the mall and you provide the credit cards too, right?)

 

She is also a head case (depression) and a multiple substance abuser (alcohol/prescription meds).

 

If you don't have kids, DO NOT have any, and ditch her immediately. Time to see the solicitor for a divorce. You're a young man and have a lot of life left in front of you.

 

Find a woman who gives a sh*t. Your current wife doesn't, and has zero respect for you.

 

Sorry but the situation you described is unsalvageble, your wife has no remorse at all for what she did, she's continuing going out drinking and looking for other men to have fun with.

 

If you have kids, it's a little more complicated, but basically divorce is still your only realistic option.

 

Get out NOW before wasting more of your life with this b*tch.

 

 

Am I being stupid and she didn't have sex with him so it's no big deal?

 

No it's a very big deal even if no sex, but rest assured, they DID have sex.

[Silly_Girl]

 

She is also a head case (depression) and a multiple substance abuser (alcohol/prescription meds).

 

 

"Head case" is not an appropriate term for someone with mental health issues such as depression.

[Steadfast]

She cheated (or is cheating), has done (or is doing) drugs and pulling away?

 

Sounds like she's offering you the ideal escape plan. I'd take it.

 

GLDheart gave good advise on setting up your boundaries. I realize that you love and want her, but at this point letting her go is the only chance you have to save the relationship. Repeat: She must come to you.

 

If she doesn't? It either means she's not willing to give up her authority in the relationship or she doesn't want to. Either way, it'll mean she really doesn't love you and who wants to be with a wife that doesn't love them?

 

Set your boundaries and stick to them. You'll be shocked in her change of attitude. Some time apart might reveal you don't want her back.

[BetrayedH]

Get her the book, "How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." It's a quick and easy read and may at least get her started in the right direction. At his point, you can expect to stay in misery if she doesn't change to being a truly remorseful spouse.

[DuckSoup]

"Head case" is not an appropriate term for someone with mental health issues such as depression.

 

Sorry but please don't think you can dictate to others the same way you do to your significant other.

 

I'll choose my vocabulary as I see fit, not the way you see fit.

[Wardy277]

Thank you for your replies. My wife is feeling very guilty. She finds it hard to look me in the eye. I do believe her that it was one time and didn't have sex. If this is true do you think it makes a difference. Is there any chance my marriage can survive this. She does feel very guilty

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry but please don't think you can dictate to others the same way you do to your significant other.

 

I'll choose my vocabulary as I see fit, not the way you see fit.

 

It's less about dictating and more about understanding.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry but please don't think you can dictate to others the same way you do to your significant other.

 

I'll choose my vocabulary as I see fit, not the way you see fit.

 

Sorry but I agree with SG on this one. Calling a person who has mental illness a head case is very offensive. It is a disease, one does not choose to have. That's like calling someone who has cancer "Chemo queen" or "Baldy".

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your replies. My wife is feeling very guilty. She finds it hard to look me in the eye. I do believe her that it was one time and didn't have sex. If this is true do you think it makes a difference. Is there any chance my marriage can survive this. She does feel very guilty

 

Is it over with that guy?

 

one thing has to stop, her going out and getting drunk with her friends. That is not helping and you don't know for sure (unless you hire a PI) if she is seeing her exOM behind your back, using her friends as a cover. Or they are lying for her.

 

She has to get back on meds, do counselling on her own and with you as well.

[GLDheart]

...She finds it hard to look me in the eye...

 

I don't like reading that at all. It takes alot to make someone carry that much shame. Like the other posters above, I would put money on the full blown affair as well.

 

Give some thought to a little distance in this relationship. She needs to know that her behavior is a deal breaker. She has to earn you back with new found honesty and integrity... STARTING WITH FULL DISCLOSURE and ending in going No Contact with the Other Man and the friends that she uses to enable her affair behavior.

[FryFish]

Calling a person who has mental illness a head case is very offensive.

No it isnt...

[Chi townD]

Thank you for your replies. My wife is feeling very guilty. She finds it hard to look me in the eye. I do believe her that it was one time and didn't have sex. If this is true do you think it makes a difference. Is there any chance my marriage can survive this. She does feel very guilty

 

Well, if she does feel guilty, she as a crappy way of showing it. For someone that is TRUELY remorseful, they don't go out drinking and partying to "deal" with it. They tend to be clingy to a point, because deep down, they know they've almost lost you and will do everything in their power to try and make it up to you.

 

Normally what happens is something called hysterical bonding and what that is, is a lot of sex. It's a subconsious, animalistic response to reclaim what they believe is theirs. Now, it doesn't happen with EVERY case, but it does happen a lot of the time.

 

They do everything in their power to reaffirm their dedication to you and they willingly give up their privacy to you. Give you there phone to check the text logs, e-mail passwords, Facebook passwords....everything. I wonder what she would say to you if you asked to see her phone?

[DuckSoup]

It's less about dictating and more about understanding.

 

I understand perfectly.

 

You didn't even bother responding to the OP's post to try to provide him with some help.

 

The only reason you jumped into this thread was to snark and provide support for OP's cheating spouse.

 

What's your advice for the OP? Stop the threadjack please.

[DuckSoup]

Sorry but I agree with SG on this one. Calling a person who has mental illness a head case is very offensive. It is a disease, one does not choose to have. That's like calling someone who has cancer "Chemo queen" or "Baldy".

 

Bull.

 

The OP's post clearly states that his wife goes out drinking frequently and she stopped taking her medication.

 

Just because someone has been diagnosed w/depression doesn't absolve them from the responsibility of taking their medications and stopping alcohol abuse.

 

It also doesn't absolve the person from the responsibility to treat their spouse properly and not cheat.

 

"I'm depressed which gives me a free pass to cheat and go out drinking."

 

Your kind of enabling logic ("let's feel sorry for the little cheater because OMIGOSH she was diagnosed with depression") is worse than useless.

 

OP's wife is a head case, she is abusive to her spouse, and her depression has nothing to do with that. Nothing in OP's post suggests her doctor ever stated that her cheating and drinking and disrespect of her husband is in any way caused by her depression. She uses that diagnosis as an excuse.

 

A typical cheater by the way.

 

If it wasn't the depression, it would be some other excuse.

[jnj express]

Hey Wardy---so your method, of handling your wife's choosing another man, in preferance to you, is to beg/cry/cajole/tell her how you love her/do anything, and everything to get her back

 

Do you, just out of curiosity, know what you stated when you took wedding vows, do you, just out of curiosity, know what the definition of mge. is----

 

I always thought it was a 2some, am I wrong??????

 

Your wife seems to think its a 3some, when she wants it to be-------

 

You are screwing this up so badly----you do not do what you have been doing, in dealing with a cheater---you say it was only a kiss---well guess what---SHE F'ing went to his house, behind your back, and lying to you, and took another man in preferance to you---I don't care if it was anything more than her going over there, and nothing happened---she F'ing went to another man----and you are doing absolutely nothing about it------

 

Excuse me---you are crying/begging/loving her

 

What she did was to commit a crime agst her mge---tell me has there been one iota of accountability, on her part---has a NC letter been sent---have actionable boundaries, with consequences, been put in place----I E---What have you done about this, besides, crying/begging/and telling her how you love her???????

[RobD70]

Thank you for your replies. My wife is feeling very guilty. She finds it hard to look me in the eye. I do believe her that it was one time and didn't have sex. If this is true do you think it makes a difference. Is there any chance my marriage can survive this. She does feel very guilty

She is feeling guilty but not doing anything to make up for what she has done?

Sounds like she is just depressed because her A fizzled before it got started, she feels bad because the OM rejected her for an EA and she has to use her backup plan (you).

 

You are acting too nice and too beta to her. She is turned off by your attention and you are basically rewarding her for cheating on you. She doesn’t respect you because you don’t respect yourself. What she did is cheating and grounds for a divorce. If I found out my W did something like that and was disappointed that the OM didn’t want more from her I would D asap. I would not put up being married to someone that would stab me in the back like that (I have issues with being disrespected).

 

No kids, an A after only a year in M, you need to plan your escape. Not all marriages can or should be saved, don’t stay because you are afraid to be alone. She has shown you that she is a poor wife and you don’t have to live with that.

[nofool4u]

I have been with my wife since we were 15. We got engaged at 19 and married at 24. Now just over 1 year on and I have found out that my wife had cheated.

 

She is a musician, and one day after a show she went round another guys house, made out and about tossed him off. She says that's all that happened and I believe this.

 

Do yourself a favor. Don't believe it. You think after a show she went to some guys house and just kissed? Think again.

 

 

We have been to marriage counseling but my wife said she wasn't ready and just felt numb. She has been going out with friends and drinking as she said it helps her deal with it. She feels very guilty and wants to be with me.

 

Meanwhile I am feeling very lonely. I am trying to be with her, cuddle kiss etc but she said I am smothering her and being too clingy. We have good day, e.g we went town shopping and had a good time but randomly I wake up feeling terrible.

 

She says you are smothering her and too clingy because she'd rather be saving it for another guy. Her is what is happening, you have been together since being 15. Some people love that, some can't deal with the fact they haven't gotten to sleep around. Your wife is the latter.

 

 

It's been 1 month now and I don't feel any better. It's constantly in my thoughts. I did something stupid today, I went thorough her phone and found messages to her friends.

 

Nothing stupid about trying to get answers from a cheating wife.

 

 

At the time she said she misses the guy and he was lovely. She said that she was in a bad place back then and the guy she missed didn't exist. The guy took advantage of her and acted all nice and complimented her, but he was an ass and used her.

 

About the bolded part. Bulls*** and onions.

 

She went over there knowing exactly what she was doing. Was he using her? Sure. But thats what a cheater deserves. She doesn't get to play the "poor me" card here. She cheated.

 

You can't take advantage of someone that wants it.

 

Besides, I thought she said nothing more than kissing happened. Being taken advantage of entails more than that. You're wife is lying. She had sex with him.

 

 

She it still quite distant. We haven't had sex since (not for lack of trying on my point) I feel lonely and that she is getting over it faster than me. I love my wife and want to make it work. We don't have kids, our house is in my name so there is not much legal keeping us together.

 

Then I'd suggest getting rid of her. I know you say you love her, but IMO this is desperation talking. You don't want to lose a woman to another man. I get it. Been there, done that.

 

But there is nothing worth fighting for with a cheating woman and the fact you have no kids and the house is in your name should make this all too easy to move on with your life and find someone that isn't going to regret not sewing her wild oats.

 

Am I being stupid and she didn't have sex with him so it's no big deal?

 

She had sex with him. If she isn't having it with you, she is having it with him.

 

Again, you found out she feels taken advantage of. That feeling doesn't come from a couple of kissy face sessions.

 

 

I don't know what I feel or how to deal with it. I randomly wake up feeling terrible and sick. Some time es I feel like the bad guy when I txt her when she is our, or her asking me if she can go out. I am not stopping her.

 

 

Any advise would be very helpful

 

If she wants to go out, then tell her you will file for divorce, she can move out, and she can go out and do whatever she wants, whenever, and she can sew her oats till her heart is content.

 

Then you can move on and find a decent woman.

[2long]

The solution here is simple, but it might be an easy path 2 take.

 

She should be willing 2 do WHATEVER IT TAKES 2 convince you that she wants your marriage and will "forsake all others" like she promised on her wedding day.

 

If she's not, chalk this up 2 experience and move on. You are very young (I've got ailments older than you, LOL!), and you can start fresh with a little more wisdom from your experiences 2 date.

 

-ol' 2long