Yurayura Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 My boyfriend was very much in love with a girl for four years. The fact that she didn't reciprocate his feelings drove him into depression. He is a writer and musician and he has written so many stories and songs about her and his life almost seemed to revolve around her before we started dating. We met while he was still in love with her. We started out as friends but after a month or so, we began to have a romantic relationship. We've now been a couple for eight months. He has been very wonderful to me. He tells me he loves me, buys me gifts, constantly wants to see me, etc. However, he brings up this ex-crush constantly, often out of the blue. For example, while talking about how small my hands are, he added that this old crush had fingers that had interestingly shaped tips. He'd tell me about the stories he wrote for her. He'd bring up his past depression over her every now and then. To make matters worst, he talks to her online constantly. He also seems to take her opinions seriously. When she tells him she likes a movie, he'd go see that movie. When she tells him to read a book, he'd drive to the library just to check that book out. When he meets her face to face, he still acts slightly flustered. He also attempts to re-enact certain scenarios he had with her. Before we started dating, he told me about a time he and his old crush swung on one swing together and how that moment was extremely romantic and very important to him. Now, he often tries to get me to swing on one swing with him. He used to buy his ex crush patterned scarves all the time and now he buys me patterned scarves. All of this makes me think that he still has feelings for her and is trying to replace her with me. The only thing stopping me for wanting to break up with him (because I cannot stand to be the rebound girl) is how wonderful he is to me and how he puts in a lot of effort to show that he cares about me. He has taken me to meet his family and wants to get to know mine and befriend my brother. He is willing to spend large amounts of money on me. It's just that each time he does something special for me, he somehow ruins it by bringing up his old crush. I want to do something about this but I don't want to tell him to stop talking to his ex crush. They are friends after all and they have been for years. I don't have the right to tell him to cut ties with her. However, all of this is making me very insecure and resentful towards him. I am a pretty jealous person by nature and I can't stand feeling like I'm second place. I keep wondering if he'd leave me for her if she suddenly wants him and that's not healty - I don't want to keep feeling like this because it's really hurting my self esteem. Am I overreacting to all of this like an insane jealous girlfriend? If not, what should I do?
Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 He may be doing some things to show he likes you but he's doing lots of things that prove he likes his ex as much too. I don't think things sound good, to be honest. And I suspect laying down the law about his communication with her might lead him to hide when he talk to her. Have you met her? Do you all socialise?
Author Yurayura Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 I was actually friends with her before I met my BF and occasionally all of us socialize, but not often. my BF almost seems to avoid seeing her when I am with her.
Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Sounds very odd, doesn't it? They could be having a form of relationship still, perhaps? And if not whatever it is your bf is embarrassed of it which suggests its not above board and okay. What can you do about this?
veggirl Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Your boyfriend is creepily obsessed with her. Re-enacting scenarios with you of his past with her? Discussing her FINGERTIPS? Buying you things she would like? He isn't rebounding with you, he is trying to make you as close to her as he can since he can't have her! Your BF is pretty sick in the head over this girl, I can't believe you lasted 8 months. I suggest you run far far away, no matter how nice he is to you. His life STILL DOES revolve around this other girl. I'm totally weirded out by your story tbh. 1
Author Yurayura Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 @ veggirl: Sometimes, I think the same things myself.........we lasted 8 months because he was very good to me and I kept trying to convince myself that I was overreacting and all of this was not that big of a deal. Oftentimes I have wanted to break up over this...I still can't compel myself to do that immediately, although I'm not sure what else can be done. *sighs.....*
maysj18 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I agree with veggirl. while he may mean well, he is trying to make you her since he couldn't have her.
veggirl Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Break up with him because if he could have the other girl he would leave you so fast your head would spin. You'll never be his first choice. I can't believe you've allowed this to continue. First sign a guy is not over an ex you need to gooooo.
FitChick Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I wonder what would happen if the three of you got together and you casually asked them, "Why did you two never date?" Maybe he needs to hear from her why she isn't attracted to him to give him a dose of reality. If that's too confrontational, ask her yourself and then casually relay the information to him. "She loves you like a brother." "She told me her idea guy is ____________"
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