FightClub Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) Hey guys, So a few threads and a few feelings of seeking closure from the MW/MM have come across the forum a few times, usually from former OM/OW seeking it for the finale, the nail that shuts the coffin for good. It has me thinking lately, when I first came to LS trying to understand why exMW couldn't give me closure at the end of the long distance EA/PA, it really plagued me for some time after the initial months of No Contact and drove me to read as much about NC/Closure on LS. And then recently someone pointed out, outside of a affair situation, such as normal dating, it happens so often where someone ends the relationship without closure i.e. 'things left unsaid' and it amazes me that at first I thought it was only one ex-girlfriend that did that but as I look deeper in my history, it's happened three times. A great revelation that has come from this has boggled my mind; in all three of those normal dating scenarios, I would request that they at least tell me why the break up happened, etc and each time it was a response that was a long, drawn out letter with nothing more than emotion, no real answers, only words that strung on forever. Shortly after the affair ended, I contacted one of those ex's after four years out of curiosity, because she at the time was also a long-distance girl-friend that ended much like my situation with exMW. Amazingly, it was a brief conversation but it really showed that in four years, she could properly articulate what went wrong with our relationship, on both sides of the coin. I didn't ask 'why?' this time, I just simply asked, 'looking back, what was on your mind then?' The truth is, she didn't know what really happened at first, even now she can only piece together fragments of what she remembered. but it goes to show that closure is not a definite, planned 'break in-case of emergency' letter to give someone. Closure in many ways is understanding the pain, working through personal discovery, moving past that point, focusing on your new path and reaching towards a future where you love yourself more and can invite someone else to share that love with when you truly are ready. I recognize these days, I miss exMW from time to time, I recall our connection and the time we spent learning about each other but I recognize almost two years after it ended, I'm still here, not defeated and perhaps knocked down a few notches but I'm still moving forward. You have to be willing to accept that no matter how many letters you send, no matter how many questions you ask of them, they may never be able to answer you or understand what happened because it was a choice they made. A poor choice, lack in judgement, whatever the case may be, it's in the past and they simply made a choice and don't know why it truly happened. Sometimes they regret that choice and other times they move on without a care. I am still moving towards a better future, I love myself a hell of a lot more than I have in the past and I'm positive there is someone out there for me, I just haven't found her yet. And the discovery, I suspect, will blow my mind even more than my experience with exMW. Closure is you, walking away from the pain and running toward the light of self-love and appreciation for the person you were and where you are going from this point on. -FC Edited July 8, 2012 by FightClub 3
iambookworm Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Thank you. I am one of those who needed closure from my xMM. But I know that that will never happen. I'd even gone to the point of thinking up scenarios of how I will exact revenge. pathetic huh? It's been 3 weeks now and I believe I am on the road to recovery. I just hate that I am now questioning my judgement of people. Anyways, closure. No, I'm not going to get it. C'est La Vie. I'm moving on and loving myself. And ultimately, that's the only thing I can do.
Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 When I was in that position I wrote to him, but didn't send it. THEN I replied to myself as though I was him. I did this more than once. It sounds crazy, I know, but it is surprising how much we *do* know actually, and although we feel confused and lost... a lot of answers lie within ourselves and by trying to explain things from his point of view, typing it out clearly, it really helped me to see the dynamic and some of the factors at force that maybe I'd misjudged. It was cathartic and I honestly recommend it to anyone suffering real relationship pain. 1
Author FightClub Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 When I was in that position I wrote to him, but didn't send it. THEN I replied to myself as though I was him. I did this more than once. It sounds crazy, I know, but it is surprising how much we *do* know actually, and although we feel confused and lost... a lot of answers lie within ourselves and by trying to explain things from his point of view, typing it out clearly, it really helped me to see the dynamic and some of the factors at force that maybe I'd misjudged. It was cathartic and I honestly recommend it to anyone suffering real relationship pain. That's actually a really great idea for anyone who has contemplated sending or breaking No Contact with a letter! -FC
Author FightClub Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 No closure = your imagination. Go think Hey Felicity, Unfortunately, a lot of times when people are fresh or even some time after the break up of a traditional relationship or an affair, people don't quite see it that way, yet. It took me a long time to really understand the concept of closure and ironically, the above is literally what happens when you stumble one day and say, 'Hey...I have my closure, it's me. ' -FC
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