How did you get over cheating from spilling into next relationship?

[skyisfalling]

Hi,

I just recently found out my ex bf had been cheating around behind my back and didn't even realize it until after he dumped me. I had no clue, I'm sure there were red flags and im going to see a therapist about it but I wanted to know. For everyone who got cheated on my their significant other, how did you deal with cheating in your next relationship? Did you doubt your SO more because of your past?

 

I found out my ex cheated by finding him on an online dating website.. I feel like in my next relationship, I'm just going to check "just in case" to see if my bf would have his profile up on a dating website.. I really dont want baggage but I feel like after being hurt so bad you can't help but be a little distrusting.

[GLDheart]

The simple truth is that IT WILL SPILL OVER into the next relationship.

 

The key is in how YOU use that to your advantage. I like that you say "next time" you will do a little homework. There is nothing wrong with that. But try to be healthy about it. Jumping the gun and installing spyware on his phone/computer would be an example of unhealthy behavior. Watching for character insecurities, the other telltale signs, and key phrases he uses is just plain old wisdom gained through life experience. The other thing that "spills over" is the strength and resolution to do what you have learned is right moving forward. You will now be able to cut your losses on a bad investment much sooner and cleaner if the need ever arises again.

[g450]

Exactly Right. Once cheated on, no relationship will be the same. My GF (now Wife) also had a cheating H. And my XW cheated on me.

 

Early on in our relationship this did cause problems because we were both insecure. Add the fact that she had a lot of ex boyfriends who basically used her for sex only and at one point I had to kick her out of my house for going to "visit" her estranged H and it's a small miracle that we ever got married in the first place. For some reason though we could not keep away from each other. We clicked and both had something to offer the other.

 

So we are good now. I do still tend to keep my ear to the wall and not be so blind if ever I see what I percieve to be a red flag but it's been good so far this last year or so. Feeling secure in a marriage after all that carnage takes time. Time spent with the person you love. It's not automatic.

 

In my current marriage Im like Reagan in the Cold War..."Trust But Verify" Not to say that I spy. I dont. But I dont have my head in the sand like the trusting fool I was in my first marriage. Those days are forever gone.

[venusianx13]

I'm dealing with this now, myself. I was cheated on in my last relationship (relentlessly, even though he denied it up and down until I managed to find undeniable proof.) Dealing with these things leaves impressions/patterns in our minds which WILL carry on to a new relationship. My advice would be to take things slow and truly evaluate a person's character before getting too involved. Who does (s)he hang out with/what are his/her friends like? What kind of relationship do they have with their family? Also, try to get a general idea of what their past relationships were like. Does (s)he speak disrespectfully of others? Are their sentiments mostly kind or bitter? I am dating a TRULY nice guy. The kind you read about who "finish last." I appreciate how genuine he is, and trust him, yet, I do find myself, at times, with that little voice in the back of my mind nagging me. It's normal. Keep your eyes and ears open, but don't dig for dirt unless you see a real red flag at some point. Suspicion and insecurity can ruin a good relationship. Your mindset will always affect someone as close to you as your SO (and vice versa, of course). Try to keep things positive and don't expect the worse.

[g450]

I second what Venusian just posted.

 

Take your time. I say court for at least a year before jumping into a marriage. In that time, if there is any unresolved funny business going on with your SO then it will eventually show itself to you within that time frame.

 

That happened to me as all kinds of obsticles (kids, exes, ex fbs etc) caused problems with us but with enough tough love and care I ironed it all out for the most part. It was mostly about upholding my own boundries and being man enough to back them up with actions. But I was lucky. Having said that, not sure I would want to go through all that again. So much drama and headgames I had to endure. But in the end I am married to a woman that trully loves me and that made it all worth it.