Sugarkane Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I tried to get advice from a different therapist, since all the current one is get angry and doesn't give me advice. He suggested I write an email/ letter to Tge ex friends. I got zero closure and no one cared that I was depressed and suicidal. They all supported and encouarged my ex even though he dumped ne by text after a year. I'm starting to think I should send it. The likely hood of running into them is almost zero. I've only seen them twice in over 1 abd a half years.
Mariana345 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I tried to get advice from a different therapist, since all the current one is get angry and doesn't give me advice. He suggested I write an email/ letter to Tge ex friends. I got zero closure and no one cared that I was depressed and suicidal. They all supported and encouarged my ex even though he dumped ne by text after a year. I'm starting to think I should send it. The likely hood of running into them is almost zero. I've only seen them twice in over 1 abd a half years. You can write it, but I don't think you should send it... Get your closure, but keep your dignity, don't send it
Author Sugarkane Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 You can write it, but I don't think you should send it... Get your closure, but keep your dignity, don't send it Why not? I never got to say anything. If only I could leave them in Tge place where they left me.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 A similar thing happened to my cousin's friendship group. Guess what? He actually gave more support to the ex [the woman had a similar breakup to mine] than to his friend. Why couldn't they do this?
Author Sugarkane Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 If people have been in a similar situation on here, how did the mutual friends nit screw them over? Why should I do the right thing? Why do they support a liar and a cheater?Anyone?
StarlaStardust Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I can't say I agree with your therapist at all. I am actually pretty surprised they suggested you send the letter and wonder if you heard them right? It doesn't seem healthy to chase down people who have turned their backs on you, just to tell them how much they suck. You're not the vanguard of right and wrong, just the vanguard of YOU. This means you decide for yourself that it was unacceptable of them, and use that decision to inform whatever happens with them in the future. For example, if one of these lousy friends who turned their backs on you tries to come back into your life in the future, you'll have decided that their behavior was unacceptable, and you'll be able to set a boundary with them around that, whether it means not being friends again, or having some sort of reassurance from them that they are very sorry and it won't happen again. I HAVE been suicidal and ripped up like you. And I think you're only keeping yourself down by dwelling on this idea that other people MUST be there for you and that they really let you down when they're not. It indicates a serious lack of self-reliance. It really helps when they are there for you, and it sucks when they turn their backs on you, but ultimately you're just letting yourself down by looking to others to 'fix' you. Of course, this is a simplified way of putting it, but it feels important to get this general idea across to you. Maybe you should write a letter to YOURSELF to apologize for abandoning yourself when you needed yourself the most, but were too busy worrying about what other people were doing/feeling victimized. 1
StarlaStardust Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Why not? I never got to say anything. If only I could leave them in Tge place where they left me. This sounds kind of vindictive, you know? I really doubt your therapist wants you pursuing this sort of agenda. You sound pretty young -- how old are you, if I may ask?
Author Sugarkane Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I'm in my 20s. The problem is I highly doubt the opportunity will ever happen to talk to them again. I highly doubt they'll ever contact me, wondering whatever happened to me. And like so many exes on here they paint us black and tell lies about us, so they look good. The therapist meant contacting them in a civil way, not nasty. What are the alternatives? I did everything right and still got no closure. What else can I do?
Author Sugarkane Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I Also found them insincere. That they thought they understood. That's really arrogant coming from someone who's never had a breakup in their life and has the same group of friends.
esteem-jam Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 It can look like you switch therapist after therapist until you find one who suggests you do this and that- that you send them something and explain something. After you found the therapist, you go on and do it whatever this is, cause finally you have an approval to do this. You probably dont need those people telling you theyre sorry, or that big unjustice happened to you. I can comfort you: what happened to you was very bad, you did not deserve that. Dont be suicidal! Some of that may be your own fault, some of that was his fault, resulting in one huge mess. If I would know you I would go on a date with you, not saying I would like you, or you me. Just stuff happens, do something for yourself and focus on the future.
StarlaStardust Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 closure comes from within. i know this will sound blunt, but when you finally understand that, that's when you've achieved being a mature person. move AWAY from, not toward, people that treat you like this. you need to focus all this energy back on improving yourself and your own happiness and learn the hard lesson of letting go. most of us don't get closure. it sucks. we're all here trying to be mature enough to finally deal with it on our own. 1
StarlaStardust Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 If you'll never have the opportunity to talk to these people again, you are very very lucky. you have a clean slate to start a new life and become the person you always wanted to be. commit to doing what it takes to be happy in a way that comes from within. i've been there in that dark place when you think you need other people to validate you, and the key is finding your way out of there. i've also gotten no closure whatsoever from the love of my life who broke up with me in an email and then never talked to me again. it's been a hard 3 months, and i did try to chase some sort of closure, but i'm learning that closure is a bit of a myth, girl. i gotta go to bed but i hope i am making a little sense! you deserve better than needing to chase some people down to inform them they suck. the best revenge really is living well. the only person you should have anything to prove to is yourself. start there.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I know we don't get closure- that's what I was trying to do. I get do sick to death with doing the right thing when I've been treated like @hit. Why was it ok for my ex not to do the right thing? Why was it ok for people to take sides "just because they knew him first"? Why was it ok for the guy after me to dump me, then ask me back later, only to stand me up? Then blame the whole breakup on me and blow up my phone. Then verbally abuse me By text! And I snoop on my fb and he has a new gf anyway? And that wasn't completely crazy either?
Author Sugarkane Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I could purposely run into them, but why bother? I have a life and they only ignore me anyway. I have more important things to do.
wilsonx Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Bull****, you want to contact your ex more then anything. Dont play the game where you want to send your ex's friends a letter, grab some A-1 sauce a fork and start eating crow. Others here might not see it but I do. The act of getting closure is a chase. You are still chasing your ex which is normal in what you are dealing with
Author Sugarkane Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I never want to ever see or talk to him again. He would never understand.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Other people on here have told their exes what they think of them in front if their latest flavour of the month. Why didn't any of you tell them off?
StarlaStardust Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Other people on here have told their exes what they think of them in front if their latest flavour of the month. Why didn't any of you tell them off? Because I'm 27 years old, and it's not my job to make other people look bad. Besides, let's be real. Once you've walked away from the confrontation, he'll just say you were some psycho. And she'll likely believe him. I know you are hurting and you feel like you got the short end of the stick (you did!! and it SUCKS)!! But I would say devote the next 6 months to making new, better friends, and improving your own mental state. If you still feel you need to send them a letter, then do it. Join meetup.com and go to events where people engage in activities that interest you. Join a gym that offers classes. We can help you brainstorm ways to get your whole life back on track. You are barking up the way wrong tree right now, and I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you take 1000000% personal responsibility for your life and its current state. When it comes to other people, this means staying away from the ones that make your life worse -- NOT chasing them down to tell them how much they ruin your life. And find a different therapist maybe. Though, I still have a hard time believing they want you to send that letter. DO write it, though, to get it out; it will be very healing. But don't send it.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Yeah I've joined meetup but because where I live it's @ucking difficult. I don't want to get on a train late at night by myself or otherwise Its expensive to get a taxi aswell. What do I do? I hate living where I live. It's depressing living in the suburbs if you're single.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 It's very difficult to consider doing the right thing, when people have hurt me intentionally and don't know or even care.
Mariana345 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 See, If they have hurt you, why would you like to give them a chance to hurt you even more? Sending that letter is no guarantee you will feel better, however it could be another tool for them to keep moking you, and that won't give you any closure. Anyway, you are going to do what you think is the best for you, but we don't want to tell you later "I told you so", so think carefully
Author Sugarkane Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thankyou for your advice. I will sleep on it. I will write out any anger first. 1
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