Is it over or isnt it ??? can u answer the questions i have ??

[Xena29]

HI everybody

 

I need some urgent advice ,i'm new to this board so i'll have to explain a little sorry if this will be a long post ............

 

 

ok i have a b/f we've been together 3 and a half yrs both of us previously been married an been cheated on by our ex's .

My b/f is in the Forces an has been posted to the UK (from germany) last march he has been away since an i've only so far managed to go an see him as i have a son from my first marriage anmy b/f he was on a lot of courses an excercises as he was posted on promotion ,so there wasnt really much spare time to see each other .

 

Before he left it was clear to us that i was gonna follow him in oktober as soon as my pets had received theire pet passports , we hoped by that time my divorce would have been through an that we could get married before i move over so i could get moved into one of the married quaters.

 

well my divorce has been going on for near enough 4 yrs an they have kept putting things of because of paperwork still missing, or my ex-husband not wanting to sign the papers , well 8 weeks ago i went to see my b/f in the uk an obviously we startet talking about whats gonna happen concerning my move over ,we had to discuss what would happen if my divorce hadnt come through by then cause it was very likely to be put back to a later date again, he suggested buying a house in the uk but afther looking at a few prices in the paper he started paniking at the prices an if we could afford it at all ,afther having spoken to his das who had convinced him to buy a house his parents then startet looking for properties .

 

the area i'm moving to isnt a very cheap area so the costs of houses were rather high ,but his parents had said to us they were gonna help us with the deposit ,we'd just have to pay the monthly mortgage ,the first houses looked at werent very nice and not worth theire money so the price had to be up'ed .

 

well afther looking at his wages an the costs we would have a month with food fuel etc my b/f got told he had approx 60 £ to live on a month for the first few month until i had settled in an got myself a job .

 

as u can imagine he wasnt happy about that an the doubts in his mind about really wanting to buy this house were there again , now all of a sudden he tells me he doesnt love me anymore , he started doubting his love to me a week ago when the house hunt really started ,and he is now at the point where he tells me that he doesnt love me anymore everytime he thinks about me he has negativ thoughts so he says all thats on his mind at the moment is he wont have any money left an he'll have to stop living and he thinks its not worth it , i asked him if he might just be paniking bout everything an he said maybe that was two days ago and yesterday when we spoke on the phone i asked him that if i was to tell him i would stay were i'am till my divorce is through an we could then get married move into a married quater an not have to buy the house if that would make him feel better an he again said maybe but 10 minutes into the conversation asking him the same question his answer was he was pretty sure he didnt wanna marry me as he couldnt see us in the future he also said that maybe he is making the wrong decision now and doesnt know if he may regret it in 6 weeks or 6 month but that is how he feels right now .

 

he was planning on coming over in 7 weeks while he was on leave an see if he still feels anything for me as he says he wont be stressed then cause he will have finished all his courses an excercises .i had a call of his parents yesterday asking me to come over the coming weekend to look at properties with them so i booked a flight , when my b/f found out he wasnt amused as he was asking me why i wanted to look at those houses .

 

to cut it short a bit ....... i'm going over to see him on the coming weekend to try and sort things out , he didnt want me to come over cause he says its to early to ask a decision of him , but my an his parents thoughts were that matters had to be sorted rather sooner then later cause it would mean for the next 7 weeks i'd be sat not knowing what is going to happen .

 

today i found out that my divorce will be through in september finally .

 

 

I would like to know of u now do u think my b/f saying he doesnt love me is a reaction to stress an paniking bout the house buy ??????????

 

and do u think that if i'll tell him that my divorce is deffinatly through in september he will change his mind ????

again ?????

 

See i cant believe he doesnt love me anymore all of a sudden when 8 weeks ago when i last saw him everything was allright , the 3 yrs we have been together were great , surely we had out ups an downs like every couple ,but we got engaged an we were sure to be married before i moved over , i asked him what made him think that he dotn love me ne more an he said he doesnt know but there was things like he feels attracted to other women he looks at other women an if he had had the chance to he would have cheated on me , he asked me how he would know that he does love me an i didnt know what to answer.

 

God Help me i'm devastated i love him so much an i just cant think i could carry on my life without him ,not thinking what my son (he is nearly 5) gonna think and do when his Daddy leaves us (he doesnt know his real dad ) .

 

Plzzzzzzzzzz plzzzzzz tell me what u think and make of all this

 

Yr advise will be much appreciated

 

THX

[dasani08810]

I personally think he's just freaking. He's going through the negative "what if's". What if you move over there and can't find a job, what if things don't work out, what if what if what if...........

 

Is there any possibility that you can maybe plan a trip over to see him? But, don't surprise him. Just go over and feel things out. Maybe just seeing you will strike up the emotions that put everything back in perspective.

[Xena29]

Hello dasani

 

first of all thx for yr reply ,

 

i'am going over this coming weekend , flying in on the friday and coming back on monday .

 

i'm so scared and nervous ,sometimes i think he is just paniking and then other times i get real scared that it is going to be over .

 

i have very mixed feelings its only wednesday today another 3 days to go through untill i can see him ,but then what am i supposed to do how can i react to him can i give him a hug and a kiss like i would if everything was ok or should i let him come to me ?

 

sooooooooooo many thoughts running through my head .

 

And i just cant understand why ,

 

i'm almost certain that if we'd have known for certain before yesterday that my divorce would have been through in september none of this would have happend or maybe not to the extend that it is happening now , surely i'm scared too cause i'm leaving my home country and leaving everything behind me to be with him and yes there have been times when i was thinking is that the right thing to do ? what if it does go wrong ? but I love him and i'm willing to risk it and give it damn good try , so why cant he think like that

[dreamguy]

Xena29,

he didnt want me to come over cause he says its to early to ask a decision of him , but my an his parents

thoughts were that matters had to be sorted rather sooner then later cause it would mean for the next 7 weeks i'd be sat not knowing what is going to happen.

He doesn't want you to come over because he knows you're going there for a very specific reason. To talk about the problem you're both currently facing. He also knows he doesn't have a solution for it right now. He is helpless for the time being. Again, that's my personal advice as a guy who wanted to get married 2 months ago and has been almost through the same stress your bf is going through. My ex doesn't work so you can understand how I felt all the weight of the world on my shoulders when we talked about marriage. The only difference is, I didn't freak out, she did. It's all a question of character and endurance.

I would say you should visit your bf by all means if you want to see him. I'm sure he misses you as well but he just doesn't want to talk about the "house issue" right now because he has no solution available !

 

See i cant believe he doesnt love me anymore all of a sudden when 8 weeks ago when i last saw him everything was allright , the 3 yrs we have been together were great

8 weeks is a long time when someone is abroad. I'm not saying that he stopped loving you. Taking the current situation into consideration it's more likely he freaked out and he is in denial. Perhaps, deep down in his heart, he doesn't want to date other women but he feels it would take off the unbearable pressure off his mind if he did. So it's crucial NOT to put ANY additional pressure on him for the time being. Even if it means not mentioning the house and marriage issues AT ALL ! Be there for him, show him you care and let him know you're a strong person. It is in times like these that your partner knows they can count on you. If you really love him, it's worth the wait.

I think it's ok to tell him about the news concerning your divorce but just don't bring up the stressing topic of marriage now. Go there, spend and enjoy every second with him.

Many people never understand that accurate timing is what often makes you succeed in life.

Don't make the mistake I made (this goes to bloot who says I'm caught up in giving advice to others and I never take the time to question myself ).

I pressured my ex for engagement at the wrong time. She freaked out. She ended the relationship.

 

he asked me how he would know that he does love me

You can't tell someone how to know they love you ! They have to feel they need your presence in their lives. They have to know you make them happy and a better person. They have to feel they can count on you and they can also be there when you need them.

 

Good luck and keep us posted as soon as possible.

[Xena29]

Dreamguy thx so much for yr reply

 

everything u say is what i think too and it made me feel a lot better reading what u think about all this .

I have only just spoken to him on the phone ,i texted him this morning to see if it was possible to speak to him at dinnertime .he text me back saying i could ring him now so i did

 

he sounded tired bless him , i asked him if he had read the text message i had send him yesterday where i told him that my divorce will be through in september an he had , i asked him if it made him feel any better and his reply was "not really" he said that is just a little to late .

 

stupid of me i know but i asked him if he was looking forward to the weekend and he said no (well of course i aint if i think about what might happen) i asked him if he was excited to see me and again his answer was not really .

 

i asked him if we could try either way to have a nice weekend together like maybe go and watch a movie or something and he said yes we could do .

 

out of all this i'm seeing that there is another chance for us if only we try (or am i just to blind to see the truth ) ,if he really truly wouldnt love me anymore wouldnt his answers be more specific instead of saying "not really "wouldnt he say NO ?????

 

i said to him on the phone that i would like to tell him what i think this is all about ,and he said ok but he had wanted to have a lil snooze at dinner time , so i said that if he would let me i could ring him later on tonight and we could talk again then i told him i feel the need to talk to him an if he would understand and he said he does , so tonight i will ring him again .

[dreamguy]

Xena29,

"Not really" might mean anything from "Yes but I can't make it obvious because I'm still under pressure" to "Not at all".

First of all, talking on the phone won't help as much as being there in person (if you can afford it). The thing is, you can only hear his voice over the phone while you can see his entire body gestures and facial reactions when you're there in person.

Take it easy when you talk to him on the phone tonight and try not to ask him direct questions like "are you looking forward to the weekend ?" or "are you excited to see me ?". Because he knows that if he answers "yes" to that then you will be all over him again. He cannot take the pressure right now.

[Xena29]

Thx

Just today and tomorrow to go now ,i'm so nervous .

Spoke to him twice on the phone yesterday,he sounded tired and not happy at all (if it was cause of what he said i dont know ) but we sort of managed to have a normal chat an even agreed on going to the Pictures together on saturday night , he even tried pulling a joke when he said he wasnt gonna get to his parents till saturday night an when i reacted to that with " why " he laughed an said i was only pulling yr leg :-S .

 

i feel a bit better afther the chats on the phone,just got to get through the next two days .

 

God Give me strength

[Xena29]

Hello there ,

 

Here i'am again,if u've read my previous posts then u'll know what this is all about, and guess what i'm back to the state i was in 2 month ago and i really really dont know what to do ne more do i carry on hoping or should i just face it and get on with my life ?

 

2 month ago when i went to see my b/f we got it all sorted he said he was just paniking and that of course he Loves me ,he did say that he cant guarantee he wont get cold feet again but he does love me and wants to be with me.It was all fine afther that for about 4 weeks then he had to go away on excercise an i knew i wasnt gonna get any phone calls or text messages of him as he wasnt allowed to take his mobile which i was okay with,he got back of this excercise and the very first thing he did was call me to say that he was back.We had a great conversation for about 15 minutes until he said he'd have to go now and start unpacking all the kit but he'd text me later on. so he did at night to tell me that he was tired and off to bed and we'd catch up later.

2 days went by an i only had a few texts off him and then all of a sudden his mobile was switched off again an i couldnt get a hold of him, i rang his parents cause i got worried and they had only just spoken to him an hour before i rang them , i said well thats weird cause i keep trying to ring him and the phone rings but he wont pick up , so his mum said she'd try again and would tell him to contact me and so he did , it turned out that he was on excercise again and didnt have a chance to tell me cause it wasnt planned for them to go on excercise again.

Ok so i knew where he was and it all seemed fine he said he'd contact me once he was back of this excercise , so there was me waiting just a few days before he was supposed to get his 2 weeks leave he text me to say he was back off excercise and wasnt gonna be able to come and see me on his leave as he had to stay at work cause of the Firemen strike and they were short on personnel , ok so i wasnt happy about that but there was nothing i could do about it ,just a day later i asked him if he could ring me cause i would like to talk to him , he rang an i asked him if everything was allright and why even though he was back now he didnt ring me without me having to ask him an he said he was just busy , i then said to him that i have a funny feeling bout it all and then asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he said YES , as u can imagine i broke out in tears immediatly i asked him why an he came up with stupid reasons like we had nothing in common an all he ever feels and thinks when he thinks of me or talks to me is sadness cause of us beeing so far apart and the only way we could be together was for us to get married so i could be able to move over into an Married quater and he wasnt sure if he still wants to marry me as it could go wrong and he doesnt want a 2nd failed marriage . i was crying the whole time an didnt understand why this was happening so i asked him again r u sure u want to end this relationship and then he said I DONT KNOW .

well i was confused first he says no and then he doesnt know what he wants,i said to him in that conversation that i was gonna move back to the place i had moved from to be with him but that i wasnt gonna give up on him , i know he is going to irak in november and wont be back till march so i wouldnt have been able to move to the uk to be with him anyway as he'd be away . he agreed on that it was a good idea cause at least i'd have all my friends and family there , i asked him if i would see him again and he said of course we'll see each other again .

The call ended shortly afther that and i was in a real state i text him a few times to tell him that i wont give up fighting for him cause i love him and i told him i will always be there for him .

Just 3 days later he rang me to tell me that he had tranferred some money to me so i could pay off my horrendous phone bill , the day afther that he rang me again to tell me that he'd set up a direct debit for me to get money of him every month ( he had planned to do that when he first got posted to the uk about 5 month ago but never managed to do it untill now ). both phone conversations were fine he asked me how i was feeling and if i was okay and of course i told him that i'm rather confused with what is going on and that i would like him to tell me what it is thats going on and he said that he doesnt know i asked him if its just another panik thing and he said again i dont know .

Well come on do u send money to someone u dont wanna be with and set up a direct debit for them if u dont love that person anymore ???

I wouldnt !

he has called once more since then which was last week tuesday , we've texted a few times since then but nothing really exciting he just keeps saying he is very busy and i can imagine he is as he is going on a long excercise again in a week for 6 weeks and when he gets back from that he has 2 weeks at work and then he is off to irak .

 

I have in the mean time handed in my notice for my flat and am gonna move back to where i've moved from over 3 yrs ago , my friends r there and my parents have moved there too so i wont be on my own as much as i'm here .

 

I cant just give up on him i love him to much i wanna fight for him but i dont know what to do , at the moment i dont know when i'm gonna get to see him next as he doesnt know himself when his next leave will be , My little boy misses him so much i'm really starting to have loads of trouble with my son cause he is missing my b/f so much , my b/f isnt his real dad but my son doesnt know that he is only just turned 5 and i have been with my b/f for over 3 yrs now so my son only knows him as his dad .

 

Do u think i should carry on fighting for him and hoping things will turn out allright ????

 

I did ask him a week ago in a text if he thinks we have at least a small chance to sort all this out and he replied "i suppose there is a small chance "

 

Please please HELP me with some advise