bitter1 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I am new, although your stories have helped me these last 8 months to feel connected to others who have shared my experience. My H began his affair Nov/Dec via FB and texting. It became physical in March. I discovered in May. We began MC but he cont. to hide the truth, text. Last Nov he confessed he had still been going to see her/texting but was finally thru. I had changed my job so we could spend more time together and try and heal, had been forced to take antidepressants, and stressed daily over why my husb was still so distant. That day in Nov I left. I was done. Tired of crying, begging, feeling insufficient. I got family help to rent a house for me and our 2 small kids, buy new furniture. I didn't file for Div. Our MC said to wait and see how I felt after calming down. I hit him, confronted her, discovered more lies, more secrets. In the last 8 mo I have tetered back/forth. I have lost respect for him. I lost the loving feelings. I care for him, get lonely, but don't really miss HIM. I miss what I thought we had. He tries very hard to do everything to make it up. He was a minister. To me, too much damage has been done. I lost that spark for him. We are friendly, do stuff together some, although still separated. I guess I just wonder if anyone can relate. I still hurt for the betrayal daily. I am bitter/lost inside. But I am strong. And I am a good mother. I just can't imagine being happy with him as my husband again.
GLDheart Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 ...I have lost respect for him. I lost the loving feelings. I care for him, get lonely, but don't really miss HIM. I miss what I thought we had... ...I just can't imagine being happy with him as my husband again... My Fiancee is in the same boat as your husband. We were deeply in love for almost a decade. We share a beautiful daughter. We were engaged to be married. I thought she was the happiest girl on earth. Sadly, with the bad economy I took a job with awful hours. I attacked that crappy job fiercly and clawed my way up the ranks. I did what I could for my family. I was making more money than I had ever earned in my life. She spent many lonely hours (once the baby was asleep) waiting for me to get home. She allowed a buddy from her work to chat her up a bit too much. She got caught up in the fog of it all. She crossed lines and did damage that just can't be undone. This has been the hardest thing in my life to get through. I still miss her. Just like you, I miss what I thought I had. But I didn't pick this. I didn't throw it away. She did. She had healthier choices she could have made. I would have walked away from that job in a heartbeat, had she only shared with me. Instead she used it as an excuse to indulge her shallow ego. I haven't spoken to her in three months. I wonder sometimes if this has been as hard on her as it has been on me. But what would that change?
giantfan Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Hi This month(July) is 2 years since my wife told me about her almost 1 year affair and I still don't know how to feel. FB reconnect. I miss having someone to completely trust. We are still together, but I really haven't been able to get over it yet. Still have alot of questions that are still unanswered. I feel like damaged goods. Having my kids is what keeps me going and trying to make it work. I don't want to be away from them. Sometimes when I look at her, I get so angry for what she did to our family. On holidays or her birthday, I hate trying to pick out a card for her. Seems like everything hallmark has never fits in anymore. Someone posted that it can take 2 years or more to think about making the right decision about my marriage. I still don't know, just trying to get through it one day at a time. Wish I could forget all the lies and deception. Its an empty feeling for me when someone compliments us about being a great family. If they only knew.
SoMovinOn Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I guess I just wonder if anyone can relate. I still hurt for the betrayal daily. I am bitter/lost inside. But I am strong. And I am a good mother. I just can't imagine being happy with him as my husband again. I can definitely relate. On D-Day, STBXW told me she wanted us to stay married, wanted to R. The R never even really began to happen. Even now, she's said she realized she screwed up the best thing she ever had, she's sorry, she wishes we could be like we used to be ... and there is no way I can. Too much has happened, too much has changed. I would never trust her, I could never love her like I did, ... none of it could ever be like it was, not ever again, no matter what she did now.
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I am new, although your stories have helped me these last 8 months to feel connected to others who have shared my experience. My H began his affair Nov/Dec via FB and texting. It became physical in March. I discovered in May. We began MC but he cont. to hide the truth, text. Last Nov he confessed he had still been going to see her/texting but was finally thru. I had changed my job so we could spend more time together and try and heal, had been forced to take antidepressants, and stressed daily over why my husb was still so distant. That day in Nov I left. I was done. Tired of crying, begging, feeling insufficient. I got family help to rent a house for me and our 2 small kids, buy new furniture. I didn't file for Div. Our MC said to wait and see how I felt after calming down. I hit him, confronted her, discovered more lies, more secrets. In the last 8 mo I have tetered back/forth. I have lost respect for him. I lost the loving feelings. I care for him, get lonely, but don't really miss HIM. I miss what I thought we had. He tries very hard to do everything to make it up. He was a minister. To me, too much damage has been done. I lost that spark for him. We are friendly, do stuff together some, although still separated. I guess I just wonder if anyone can relate. I still hurt for the betrayal daily. I am bitter/lost inside. But I am strong. And I am a good mother. I just can't imagine being happy with him as my husband again. I did reconcile with my fWS......BUT, he was remorseful, transparent, inititated NC himself 3 months after dday after I had thrown him out of the house. Your situation is VERY different in that he continued to lie and deceive you while reconciling. It is what happens in the aftermath of discovery that will dictate how successful your reconciliation will be, and continued deception is suc a deal breaker. Most betrayed spouses want to forgive the cheater, IF the cheater is remorseful, totally transparent, accepts responsibility for their cruel actions, is willing to soul search WHY they embarked on such a self-destructive path, and ends all contact with the paramour. Your H dug his own grave by going through the motions but still continuing the affair behind your back. No, I would not be able to reconcile with such a liar and I could not be married to a man that made me his Plan B back-up choice. All that love and romance and passion certainly belonged in OUR marriage IF I had given him the gift of reconciliation after discovery. As a minister he sounds very full of himself, probably justified the rightness of his actions, and seems to have little respect for women, namely YOU. I know it is hard for those devout in their faith to reconcile divorce in their spiritual hearts. Do not let well meaning friends and relatives sway you from what is in your heart: If you feel you cannot love and respect him again, your marriage will be a disaster. Remember, adultery is the ONE issue that even the most fundamental religions allow a woman to seek divorce. I agree with your MC, however: You do not have to decide anything today if there is one iota of doubt in your heart. Only you and you alone can make this decision. If you feel it is over and done with and you will never be able to recapture those feelings or trust and respect, why condemn yourself to a lifetime of bitterness?
Author bitter1 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I really am comforted to see others on the same zig-zag I am on. Helps to know I'm not just weak in my indecision. WS really has tried to do everything to reconcile since Nov, but I just feel so much more "together" when I am alone and have limited contact. I feel more secure and in control of my life. Unfortunately, we work in the same location now and I was unable to find another job in my field. So divorcing still means seeing him at work somewhat regularly. . He does not control his emotions well now. Tears from him no longer draw sympathy though. I am beyond that.
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I really am comforted to see others on the same zig-zag I am on. Helps to know I'm not just weak in my indecision. WS really has tried to do everything to reconcile since Nov, but I just feel so much more "together" when I am alone and have limited contact. I feel more secure and in control of my life. Unfortunately, we work in the same location now and I was unable to find another job in my field. So divorcing still means seeing him at work somewhat regularly. . He does not control his emotions well now. Tears from him no longer draw sympathy though. I am beyond that. Well, he has a long road ahead of him, and only you can decide how much you want to be a part of his rollercoaster when you have one of your very own to travel on. Cheaters often share the characteristics of poor self-esteem, poor communication skills and tend to be conflict-avoidant. They may be successful; they may be very successful and charismatic ministers, but they have no clue how to develop and preserve intimacy in a marriage. When the going gets tough, or boring, they seek ego-validation from strangers rather than the partner standing right beside them through thick and thin. I am sorry you have to see him every day. That's tough. But what are you doing for you and your happiness and your future? I bet you are a good mother! But what is bitter doing for herself right now? Because that is where the healing focus needs to be right now....on you!
Author bitter1 Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Thank you Spark! And you are very right about the validation coming from other sources. This was seen all through our marriage. He would do anything to help a stranger or friend but had no time for marriage and family obligations. As for me, I have stop putting him first. That means when I am not focusing on my kids, I am doing things for me. I decorated my new house how I wanted. I go out with my female friends to movies, dinner, shopping. I get my nails, hair done when I want and try to build my happiness. I even got a little dog for companionship. I am all about MY happiness now. Lol. He is very envious.
GLDheart Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 ...Cheaters often share the characteristics of poor self-esteem, poor communication skills and tend to be conflict-avoidant... ...When the going gets tough, or boring, they seek ego-validation from strangers... Spark, I know you wrote that for the OP but it definately hits home for me here too.
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Spark, I know you wrote that for the OP but it definately hits home for me here too. See, that is the hole that no one and nothing can fill --EXCEPT ourselves. And that takes a tremendous amount of therapy to understand why you are always vaguely unhappy, somewhat anxious, never feel it is good enough, and tend to project those emotions and blame at the feet of your partner. See, if you do not introspect that, and it OFTEN comes from one's family of origin, as our feelings of self-worth are established very young, you are easily manipulated by the compliments of others. Really, how sad is that?
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Thank you Spark! And you are very right about the validation coming from other sources. This was seen all through our marriage. He would do anything to help a stranger or friend but had no time for marriage and family obligations. As for me, I have stop putting him first. That means when I am not focusing on my kids, I am doing things for me. I decorated my new house how I wanted. I go out with my female friends to movies, dinner, shopping. I get my nails, hair done when I want and try to build my happiness. I even got a little dog for companionship. I am all about MY happiness now. Lol. He is very envious. Good for you! Are you still in IC? And, what do you do for fun, or intellectual stimulation? Taking any courses? Want to develop a hobby? It's time for you to be the woman you were meant to be, not just great wife and great mother. We are never too old to try or learn something new. I bet you spent years supporting that man in his endeavors. I know minister's wives. Think on YOU, B.
scatterd Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Once your mate cheats on you it takes the purity away something that you can never get back.How about the trust can you fully trust again? I know it hurts like hell but only you know what you can handle.I feel for you and hope all works out well.
drifter777 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 See, that is the hole that no one and nothing can fill --EXCEPT ourselves. And that takes a tremendous amount of therapy to understand why you are always vaguely unhappy, somewhat anxious, never feel it is good enough, and tend to project those emotions and blame at the feet of your partner. See, if you do not introspect that, and it OFTEN comes from one's family of origin, as our feelings of self-worth are established very young, you are easily manipulated by the compliments of others. Really, how sad is that? Spark: you should try to resist the temptation to analyze others based on your own issues. As Freud said "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", meaning in this case that the vaguely unhappy, anxious, never feeling good enough emotions a BS feels might just be due to the current state of their relationship and inability to resolve or accept your WS's infidelity. Your contention that the BS's feelings of anger/sadness/shame are OFTEN due to their FOO or trauma when they were kids is too simplistic, too narrow and does not apply to the majority of cases.
GLDheart Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) Spark: you should try to resist the temptation to analyze others based on your own issues. As Freud said "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", meaning in this case that the vaguely unhappy, anxious, never feeling good enough emotions a BS feels might just be due to the current state of their relationship and inability to resolve or accept your WS's infidelity. Your contention that the BS's feelings of anger/sadness/shame are OFTEN due to their FOO or trauma when they were kids is too simplistic, too narrow and does not apply to the majority of cases. I may have not been clear. I am the BS and my EX was the WS. When I said that "It hits home for me here", I mean that her insight into the mentality of some types of cheaters pretty much nails my EX. My Ex is a pretty classic example of "anxious insecure" attachment style stemming from too much to get into in this thread. For myself, I test out as the "secure" attachment style and it truly breaks my heart the character flaws my Ex lives with on a day to day basis. Her insecurity ruined us and has left me healing from the trauma. Edited July 10, 2012 by GLDheart
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Spark: you should try to resist the temptation to analyze others based on your own issues. As Freud said "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar", meaning in this case that the vaguely unhappy, anxious, never feeling good enough emotions a BS feels might just be due to the current state of their relationship and inability to resolve or accept your WS's infidelity. Your contention that the BS's feelings of anger/sadness/shame are OFTEN due to their FOO or trauma when they were kids is too simplistic, too narrow and does not apply to the majority of cases. Drifter, I am talking of common characteristics of cheaters. I think you should resist the temptation to project your own sitch on everything I write.
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I may have not been clear. I am the BS and my EX was the WS. When I said that "It hits home for me here", I mean that her insight into the mentality of some types of cheaters pretty much nails my EX. My Ex is a pretty classic example of "anxious insecure" attachment style stemming from too much to get into in this thread. For myself, I test out as the "secure" attachment style and it truly breaks my heart the character flaws my Ex lives with on a day to day basis. Her insecurity ruined us and has left me healing from the trauma. Thank you for reading the entire thread. My analysis of the mentality of many a cheater comes from YEARS of IC and MC for both me and my fWS.
drifter777 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Drifter, I am talking of common characteristics of cheaters. I think you should resist the temptation to project your own sitch on everything I write. No, you make blanket statements. I'll post whenever I like, but thank you for sharing.
Spark1111 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 No, you make blanket statements. I'll post whenever I like, but thank you for sharing. So then you disagree with my blanket statement that cheaters have poor self-esteem, are conflict avoidant, often selfish, and poor communicators? Or that they have a huge hole within and look for strangers to validate them instead of validating themselves? I'm just looking for why you disagree with this "blanket" statement. 1
drifter777 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 So then you disagree with my blanket statement that cheaters have poor self-esteem, are conflict avoidant, often selfish, and poor communicators? Or that they have a huge hole within and look for strangers to validate them instead of validating themselves? I'm just looking for why you disagree with this "blanket" statement. I pretty much disagree with all blanket statements; life's too complicated for one-size-fits-all. I apologize if you see this as an attack on you personally. Let's stop this.
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