Husband Moving Out But Says His Intent is Not to Leave the Marriage

July 8, 2012

I'd been with my husband 13 years, married 8 years. We started having problems once our daughter was born 6 years ago. I felt alone, as he always went out while I cared for our daughter by myself. He also spent money excessively. I have a demanding job and work about 70 hours a week. I admit that once our daughter was born, I was not able to give him much attention due to me caring for our baby without much help from him and working many hours.

His concerns with me were he felt I was controlling and take my stress out on him. Out of anger, I've also said many hurtful things to him, and vice versa, and both he and I would go for days without talking. My concerns with him were that I felt he was not being responsible. In those 6 years after our daughter was born, he got a second DUI, secretly opened two credit cards and charged $30,000 in a one year period, withdrew his 401K and kept going out. He makes less money than me and I ended up bailing him out of his debt because we have joint account and I knew that his attempts to just pay down the interest would still be coming out of the joint account so I decided to just pay the debt in full to save us money.

He became better with his spending and got better with his involvement with our daughter, but I still felt neglected by him. If he's mad at me, he would not do anything special or even bother to greet me for my birthday, Christmas, anniversary, mother's day or valentine's day. I would always have to initiate anniversary plans. This was not always the case before our daughter was born. When we would fight, he would say he doesn't like me and would often threaten to leave or ask for divorce papers. He has a very bad temper, due to a very troubled childhood and personal issues that never got addressed all his life. But when we're not fighting, everything is good. He is very affectionate and we have fun. We don't have many fights, but the times that we do, they get very ugly.

Three months ago, I discovered naked pics from women on his computer. When I asked him about them, he said that he received pics from this woman and he never discouraged them, but their contacts were only about two months. I accepted his story and we started marriage counseling the following day. Over the next three months, we made every effort to strengthen our marriage and he definitely was recommitting, and we were the happiest we've ever been together in years. He became transparent and gave me passwords to everything. But there was still a part of me dealing with the cheating.

I found out more details about his cheating and that would set us back in our efforts to fix our marriage. I kept asking him to tell me everything, not specific details just when and with whom, about the cheating on his own so that I would only have to process them one time and be done with it, but he would say there was no more cheating, until I discover proof that he cannot deny. Overall, he had been sexting/cybersexing from 2007-2011 with women that he knew from either work, high school, college. Many of these women know about me and our daughter, from Facebook pics. They were not random women. I'm not sure if there were others this year, as I don't have proof. I also discovered a picture of him and his friend with two girls in Vegas, and my husband was not wearing his wedding ring. In looking at our credit cards, I saw that he had been dining with someone else from his work, and he admitted to at least two instances, but claim that they were just friends. I do believe that he never had any physical sexual contact with any of the women. I've spoken to some of them and they confirmed that there was nothing else. I understand that he was sexually frustrated during those years, as I was too angry and hurt to be intimate with him, and sexting/cybersexing was his release.

What led to our separation was in my search for the truth about his cheating, I discovered that he was sexting a 21-year-old (he was 36 then) from work that I specifically asked him about 3 months ago, which he denied any inappropriate contacts with. Embarrassed from this discovery and understandably upset from my digging for info, he said that he could not deal with this and told me that he's moving out. He said that his intent is not to leave the marriage, but he needs to focus on his personal issues. He committed to still having weekly date nights, but opted for individual counseling instead of marriage counseling. He felt that he needed to fix himself before he could fix our marriage, and does not know when he would move back in. He said that he's too confused to think straight, but he does love me and just needs space to clear his head. I was fine with this, but when I asked him if he would commit to not dating/seeing other people, he said he couldn't but has no plans of getting involved with anyone. He said that he would keep wearing his ring and will still come by the house in the afternoons and weekends to help with our daughter.

I begged him to stay and even apologized for digging up info about his cheating, putting aside my pride just to get him to stay. To make matters worse, during the week that he was preparing to move out, I discovered that I may have cervical cancer and may get fired from my job, as I have not been working much in the three months I'd been dealing with the emotional pain of being cheated on. My husband said that he's still leaving and would keep his promise to give me money, although it would not be enough for me to pay the mortgage. I told him that he can still separate from me and that I'd move out so that our house does not go into foreclosure and our daughter can stay in the same school, since I would move in with my parents and we could save the rent money to put towards the mortgage. He still wanted to move out. I felt like he no longer cared and wanted to risk everything we worked on together, especially when I needed him the most, without a logical reason other than internal soul-searching. I couldn't understand why he insists on moving into an apartment. Some of you may think that it's because there is already another woman, but I am certain that there is not one. He really is an emotional mess from his childhood and a part of me feels that by agreeing to my conditions, he feels that I am still being controlling and he's not able to do what he needs for himself.

This week, I met an amazing guy. I understand that I'm vulnerable and in rebound mode, but this guy really seems like he was made for me. We are just compatible in every way and I feel like he was placed in my life during this period for a reason. I love my husband, but the more I talk with this guy, I realize that I deserve so much better. I had no plans on dating while separated from my husband, even though he couldn't commit to the same, but this guy makes me feel so wonderful and helps me forget the pain from my husband. I recognize that it would not be fair to this guy if I get involved with him and only to leave him and reconcile with my husband. But the more we talk, I realized that if he is who he appears to be, I'm not sure I would want get back together with my husband. I think that I was only in love with the idea of marriage, even if I'd been betrayed and hurt so much by the man I married. I decided to go out with this guy as soon as my husband moves out of the house. Am I making a mistake?

Edited July 8, 2012 by FaithHope

July 8, 2012

I begged him to stay and even apologized for digging up info about his cheating, putting aside my pride just to get him to stay.

That is not something you apologize for, under any circumstances.

As for the OM you met, I don't know if that is right or healthy - I will be interested in reading other peoples perspective and insight.

*btw, welcome to LS. Keep posting and reading - it helps.

July 8, 2012

I agree with you that it was not something that I should have apologized for, especially since my husband was not being honest with me. At the same time, I saw how much of an effort he was making for us to both have a fresh start. He was the same man I fell in love with. But deep inside, I couldn't fully start anew and move forward knowing that he was not completely honest with me about the past and his cheating.

July 8, 2012

Frankly, I would focus on my health, child, and security w.r.t. housing and employment before worrying about finding a new man.

July 8, 2012

Your H is a blatant cheater. You're buying his lies.

Don't date anyone until your D is FINAL! The less you harm others - the better. The more you focus on being healthy - the better. Go to individual counseling.

July 8, 2012

I think that my husband is a blatant liar. I am certain that there was never any physical cheating, but definitely plenty of emotional cheating, which he could not muster up the courage to be honest about. The betrayal and shattering of what I viewed to be the family that I had hurt so much. I was disgusted about having to put on my wedding ring. We were doing fine this year and rarely had any arguments until my discovery about his cheating in 2007-2011.

I do recognize that I'd hurt him with my words and actions in the past, especially after his second DUI. His emotional baggage from his childhood causes him to shut down when confronted about lies or issues that are uncomfortable for him to discuss. He's very difficult to talk to, often yelling so that our entire neighborhood could hear us fighting. I do feel that he really needs this individual counseling, but to leave his family behind when we need him the most is pretty selfish. He has told me a few times through tears that he is no longer in love with me, but then a few days later, he would say how much he loves me and how glad he is that he chose to stay.

His lease is for 12 months and he even said that he doesn't even know if he'll be back within that time period, as it may take him longer than a year. Yet he still considers us married and we'll still be filing taxes jointly, but he can't commit to not dating/seeing anyone. He says that the last thing he wants is to get involved with anyone. He's still going to be coming by the house to help with our daughter and do household chores. I love this man, but I wonder if I'm holding onto him because I don't want to be seen as someone who failed in her marriage. I think about no longer having the Christmas cards with our family portrait on it and it breaks my heart.

I recognize that we had an unhealthy marriage, but we were trying to fix it, until he snapped. I told the marriage counselor that this was my fear with him...how easily he gives up when he does not like what he is faced with.

July 8, 2012

Thanks Lady Grey. It's really good to see other people's thoughts on my situation. I did tell our marriage counselor that I thought he was getting off easy for the cheating, and she kept telling me that I'm choosing to punish him. I told her that I just needed answers about the cheating to put closure on it and be able to move forward completely, and she said that he probably doesn't remember all the women. I can deal with forgetting names, but he couldn't remember the difference between 2 months and 5 years of cheating on me! It was frustrating.

July 15, 2012

Thanks for the input everyone...you are right about not pursuing a new relationship. I am now focusing on myself and my daughter. I discovered that my husband is going through midlife crisis. I want to be supportive, but it's really difficult as the person I married has been replaced by this non-caring and selfish person who does not have any consideration for the family that he is abandoning. I have accepted that I am not central to his midlife crisis, just a casualty of it. Watching my husband try to escape some of his inner fears and frustrations in the name of self-preservation is exhausting.

July 15, 2012

I discovered that my husband is going through midlife crisis.

I want to be supportive, but it's really difficult

He's not going through a mid-life crisis and you don't need to be "supportive" of what you perceive to be a mid-life crisis. Stop making excuses for him.

Your husband's bad character started to shine through six years ago. What you need to come to terms with is that it was always there. It's who he is.

He has no remorse because it's not in him. He won't be accountable for his behavior because it's not in him. He has shown you over and over again that he cares only about himself. And he obviously can't control himself . . . or his drinking.

There's nothing to save. Save yourself.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Alice2012

July 15, 2012

Thank you, Alice2012. Being on this forum has really helped me gain a new perspective on my relationship. I've always been committed to the idea of staying married, for better or for worse. From everyone's response to my post, I've come to the realization that I've already tried my best to save this marriage. I've come to accept; however, that I can't save my husband. The hurt is too deep, and to think that he had me believing that reconciliation would only happen if I handle my personal issues. His ego and selfishness is really something else. I agree that I need counseling, but I won't be doing it for him, but rather for myself. To top it off, while he is moved out, he won't even contribute enough money to save the house. The spending money that he is keeping is more than what my daughter and I have to spend on the two of us, despite him owing us $50,000...Yes, he ended up using my daughter's savings also during his spending spree.

July 15, 2012

Thank you, Alice2012. Being on this forum has really helped me gain a new perspective on my relationship. I've always been committed to the idea of staying married, for better or for worse. From everyone's response to my post, I've come to the realization that I've already tried my best to save this marriage. I've come to accept; however, that I can't save my husband. The hurt is too deep, and to think that he had me believing that reconciliation would only happen if I handle my personal issues. His ego and selfishness is really something else. I agree that I need counseling, but I won't be doing it for him, but rather for myself. To top it off, while he is moved out, he won't even contribute enough money to save the house. The spending money that he is keeping is more than what my daughter and I have to spend on the two of us, despite him owing us $50,000...Yes, he ended up using my daughter's savings also during his spending spree.

You need to put an PI on him to track him and see what he is up to. I'm sorry, but it sounds like your husband has an OW -- with his track record (which establishes his character), and when he moves out of your marital home and into an apartment, signing a one year lease, blows a whole lot of savings and keeps more money for himself than for his wife and child, my guess is that he has a woman on the side.

July 15, 2012

He pissed away your daughter's savings and wants YOU to work on your issues?

Time to see am attorney. Like, now. And don't fall for his guilt-trip "why are you doing this to me?" bull****.

Your husband sounds like my husband did, but even worse.

They don't learn (if they do at all) until you bring out the big guns and don't back down.

They figure they don't have to respect you until you do.

July 15, 2012

Thanks Athena and dreamingoftigers. I spoke to his mom and she told me that their family has a history of depression...grandmother, aunt, mother and I suspect my husband also. Not that depression justifies his actions. It's hard to believe that I married such a selfish person with so many issues. I have to try my hardest to make sure that my daughter does not suffer the same issues.

July 15, 2012

I'm getting there, LadyGrey...thank you for talking some sense into me. Everyone on this site has been great so far.

July 29, 2012

Here's an update...my husband has bipolar disorder. It runs in his family.

July 29, 2012

You know - he has MANY things! Labels don't FIX the issues - change does. But he's not likely to FIX any of those issues whiles he's comfortable.

He needs to quit drinking ,- that also leads to depression. It could be that he's not bipolar at all - but just an alcoholic that needs to do some hard work to quit the drinking.

Alcoholism IS genetic. YOU can't fix that and YOU can't fix him. He has much work to do for HIMSELF - and it's best if you stay away while he either shows that he's a changed man long term - or not.

Paying his debt - is not good! Stop taking away his consequences for his bad behavior! He lied! He spent money on drinking and women then got rewarded for bad behavior.

Get tested for std's - you may think he didn't cheat but he lies! Also - a MM doesn't take his wedding ring off unless he plans to send WOMEN the message that he's SINGLE and wants to get laid!

I think you need to start separating your finances. Get legal advice and wait to see if your H will do rehab. He needs it!

Dating anyone at this juncture is only going to complicate things for you - and cause MORE hurt feelings. I don't think it's wise.

Your H hasn't been a decent husband. I hope you can invoke the changes you want to see... By taking care of YOURSELF. Read the book co-dependent no more by Melanie Beattie.

You can't fix him. The M may be over. My gut says he wants his apartment so he can do whatever he pleases.

I'm sorry about your health - your H isn't being loving, supportive or anything good... He's thinking of himself! That sucks balls!!! Why would you even WANT such a selfish and self centered man? That's not a healthy idea of love or marriage! He should be looking after you and your best interest - but NO - its all about HIM! That's so backwards in a healthy relationship it's pathetic!

If it were me - I'd say enough of this man DRAGGING me down! But that's just me and my healthy boundary speaking!

There comes a time where you just gotta make decisions that start helping YOU - instead of ones that prolong the pain.

When the horse is dead - its best to recognize that the horse is dead - and get OFF THE HORSE to MOVE FORWARD!!!

July 29, 2012

Thanks 2Sunny...I should have elaborated in my update. Yes, it's over. I am consulting with an attorney regarding finances and divorce. I will also be keeping a close eye on my daughter as she gets older now that I am educated on what bipolar symptoms are, and get her help as soon as possible. My husband remained undiagnosed until now. I am now part of a forum regarding bipolar disorder. My experiences with my husband and the horrible things he did were a constant pattern in other people's marriages who are part of that forum, and whose spouses suffer from bipolar disorder. It's amazing how members of that forum could have written each other's post. Bipolar disorder is a terrible condition, if left undiagnosed and untreated like my husband's. However, living under that condition is even worse.

July 29, 2012

Thanks 2Sunny...I should have elaborated in my update. Yes, it's over. I am consulting with an attorney regarding finances and divorce. I will also be keeping a close eye on my daughter as she gets older now that I am educated on what bipolar symptoms are, and get her help as soon as possible. My husband remained undiagnosed until now. I am now part of a forum regarding bipolar disorder. My experiences with my husband and the horrible things he did were a constant pattern in other people's marriages who are part of that forum, and whose spouses suffer from bipolar disorder. It's amazing how members of that forum could have written each other's post. Bipolar disorder is a terrible condition, if left undiagnosed and untreated like my husband's. However, living under that condition is even worse.

Learn about alcoholism too! Two DUI's and his behavior shows he has more than bipolar!!!

July 29, 2012

Bipolar disorder and alcoholism (substance abuse) go hand in hand.

July 29, 2012

Bipolar disorder and alcoholism (substance abuse) go hand in hand.

No they don't. That is NOT an absolute!

Ian a recovering alcoholic and I am absolutely NOT bipolar!

Learn - you need more eduction!

July 29, 2012

I appreciate that you are not bipolar 2Sunny. I'm not making excuses for my husband...anymore, and like I said the marriage is over. However, many individuals who have bipolar (and do not have proper treatment) self-medicate via alcohol, drugs, etc. That's what I meant by them going hand in hand. I'm so glad that I found the bipolar support forum who understand the symptoms of bipolar and finding other spouses who've been through what I'd been through. Some left the marriage, some stayed. I choose to leave.

July 29, 2012

I dated a bipolar guy once. Wow. Just wow.

One night long after we broke up he came unto my house at 2 am and started dancing on my coffee table. We couldn't get him to leave.

I called his parents and his father, who was much taller and stronger took him out in a headlock.

July 29, 2012

dreamingoftigers...yes, I'm learning that untreated bipolar could cause one to engage in actions that are just beyond comprehension. The bipolar forum has really opened my eyes and provided me with the comfort and answers that I'd been needing. It confirmed to me that there was nothing more I could do to save the marriage unless he is committed to helping himself via proper treatment/medication. Perfecting the medication combination is a struggle with many bipolar sufferers, and committing to taking them is another obstacle. Believe it or not, some of the spouses of bipolar faced much worse experiences than I'd been through.

July 29, 2012

That's all good if he treats his bi polar. But if his possible alcoholism isn't addressed as well - and he doesn't get help - it may look much the same as it has.

Either way - if HE doesn't research and take action - why should you?

This really IS up to him, not you... Especially since you don't plan to stay married to him.

What exactly is HE doing to address his problems? What CHANGES is HE making?

Is he's till drinking? Is he on medicine now?

July 29, 2012

dreamingoftigers...yes, I'm learning that untreated bipolar could cause one to engage in actions that are just beyond comprehension. The bipolar forum has really opened my eyes and provided me with the comfort and answers that I'd been needing. It confirmed to me that there was nothing more I could do to save the marriage unless he is committed to helping himself via proper treatment/medication. Perfecting the medication combination is a struggle with many bipolar sufferers, and committing to taking them is another obstacle. Believe it or not, some of the spouses of bipolar faced much worse experiences than I'd been through.

Same info you'd get from an al anon meeting...

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