Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 The girl that I'm dating has parents that are a huge pain in the butt. She always needs permission to do something. Especially when it comes to her dating me. Her parents REALLY don't like me and the fact that I am 25 (she's 18) make her parents a living nightmare to deal with. A week ago she asked her parents if she can see me this sunday. After two day's her parents told her yes. Today she texts me: 'Hey, my parents are going to a midsummer festival in .... and I need to go with them. If you want, you can still go with us?' How do I deal with this? How do I deal with her parents? How do I react to this? I really like her a lot, but something tells me to tell her that this isn't going to work and say goodbye to her. I just want to tell her parents to go f themselves. But that obviously doesn’t work.
Algermas Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 It does, actually. I too enjoy them young girls and the fastest way to get with her is to have her parents drive her directly into your arms. Go with them to the festival, unless her dad shoots you she'll cream her panties if they treat you like scum. 1
yongyong Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Is she worth more than few humps? I understand her parents though. What if you had a sister like that? Just go with her and deal with her parents. Be a man. Crack some jokes with them and don't touch her around them. If the age is the only issue, it's matter of time for them to open up.
FitChick Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Date an adult and you won't have problems like this. The one good thing about dating after you turn forty is that usually your date's parents are dead. 3
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 But it feels like they are treating me like a doormat. We made plans to go for a picknick. I went to the store today to buy food for us. She knows this. "Sure!" = I'm a push over? "No, that's not what we planned." = Don't give me that bs.
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Date an adult and you won't have problems like this. The one good thing about dating after you turn forty is that usually your date's parents are dead. Tell me about it. I don't have good experiences with girls under 25. Time to be smart about this.
mortensorchid Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I think this is because you are so much older than she is. You may argue that 7 years is nothing, but there is a world of difference between an 18 year old and a 25 year old. (My last bf was 6 years my junior, I am 37 and he's 31, but that's not much of a difference now that we are older and more mature. It would've been if we were both your age.) The best thing to do in this situation is to have a chat with one or both parents. Is it one or both who are giving you some trouble? Mention to your gf that you wish that her parents liked her. Maybe it's only one who doesn't like you. Offer to have a chat with them, and ask why it is that they don't really like you that much. Unless you have done something terrible (prison record, crashed a car, drugs, etc.) then you have nothing to worry about. If you have? Well, then there is little to no hope. 1
Radu Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 What is her cultural background, what country are you guys from ? Are you dating her for fun or as a serious thing. If it's the latter, you need to become friends with what could be your future FIL/MIL, so go to the festival. If you don't make friends with them, you will end up in a very bad situation, as over time they will poision her mind against you, especially considering how obedient she is with her parents. You might want to also check out if her parents have a clan-like mentality [run like hell from this one].
veggirl Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I would say "what? We had plans, and I prepped for those." And also stop dating a teenaged girl who lives at home and has to do what her parents tell her to do. I'm surprised they are letting her date a 25 yr old if she has to do everything they say. 3
Radu Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 It's quite obvious her parents want to chaperone you 2, but the way they did it is quite ... nasty, passive-agressive comes to mind. If you do decide to go, voice your disagreement over this with her in private, drop a hint with them. They will do this again, so over time you need to wean them on the tought of you spending time with their daughter, and add a serious boundary about this. Off-course, if you are not serious about her, don't bother with her anymore ... don't toy with her.
Leopard Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 My ex boyfriend was in your position. My parents hated him, gave me a hard time everytime I wanted to see him, and he had the same attitude. He was resentful and disliked them in return. But this is the wrong approach dude. After I broke up with my ex, my parents told me that although they really disliked him, if he had shown up at their front door with flowers and asked their permission to take me out, then they would have respected him a lot more. He always got upset and angry with me just because my parents didn't like him. He gave ME a hard time, telling ME to deal with my parents and that made the issue worse. My parents disliked my ex because he disrespected them. He didn't understand that at a certain time, I had to be home. At the time I lived with my parents, I had to respect their rules because it was their house and I was living under their roof. My current boyfriend understands all of this. Even though I don't live at home anymore, he always asks my parents if it's okay he takes me away for a weekend, or if he can take me out really late, or if they are okay that I go on vacation with him. They didn't like him at first either, but now they have an enormous respect for him. He brought my mom flowers on women's day and he is so kind and sweet to her. He understands that parents will be overprotective, and he doesn't give me a hard to for it. This is why my parents love my now boyfriend, and hated my ex who thought that parents were only in the way of getting the girl. I think that's the kind of attitude you have. Parents are the "problem" and they keep taking her from you, when really it's as easy as showing up with flowers and saying "Listen, I know you don't like me, but I'm inlove/love/really like your daughter, and I know I won't have your blessing, but I just want you to know I will take care of her and make sure she is safe. I ask that you trust me with her." It sounds cliche, but my parents are the most racist, sexist, old school traditional people in the world (and they're immigrants). If they can accept my current boyfriend (who is an ethnicity they really didn't like to begin with) then trust me, her parents can accept you. My ex was also of this ethnicity, and he made a bad impression on them. When I started dating my current bf, they weren't too happy either. But he changed their minds and gained their respect, now they love him and even invite him out to family gatherings (and this is huge, because they are RACIST, like you don't understand). That's my 2 cents. Don't treat her parents like obstacles, if you accept her, then you have to accept that she has protective parents who will always be wary of any guy she dates. You have to earn their respect. Any man who doesn't respect my parents is not a man in my opinion. If he doesn't understand that daddy's little girl will always be overprotected, that they will always ask my bfs questions and worry when i'm out late (no matter what age) then he isn't a man for me.
Leopard Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I would say "what? We had plans, and I prepped for those." And also stop dating a teenaged girl who lives at home and has to do what her parents tell her to do. I'm surprised they are letting her date a 25 yr old if she has to do everything they say. My parents were like that. At 19 you aren't a fully grown mature understanding and reasonable adult. At 19 you're still naive. And yes, if she lives under their roof, she has to obey their rules. They feed her, clothe her, shelter her and they raised her. It's called RESPECT. The OP can date whoever he wants, but if he doesn't want parents to be involved, then he shouldn't date someone so young. It's not his gf's fault she is young and still has parents that are actively involved in her life.
Algermas Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Attention OP, never take what a woman says about any situation pertaining women seriously. Ever.
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) I only date girls for something serious. (With an 18 year old that’s probably not going to work) However, I don't think her parents believe this is the case. They probably think I only want to have sex with their daughter. We are from The Netherlands. Her parents are catholic. I don't think her parents and I will ever get along. The look of disapproval really pushes my buttons. She tells me that her parents don’t want to hold her back or prohibit her from dating me; Yeah sure. Leopard: You make a valid point, it makes perfect sense. I really have no clue what to do anymore. I decided on going with them, but I am not sure if I should mention that I am “upset” about the plans we made and that I made preparations for it. The consensus on here tell me to do so.. Damn… Telling her this makes me come across as weak and unflexible? Not telling her is like a doormat... There doesn't seem to be a right way. Algermas: You are into PUA, am I right? I know what you are getting at. I don’t want to believe you, but in my experience you are right. How do I confront her without making her parents the bad guy's. Edited July 7, 2012 by Thierro
carhill Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Presuming this is a potential long term relationship, 'damn parents' does not portend well for its future. Up to you what you want to do about it. Her parents certainly aren't going to change.
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Presuming this is a potential long term relationship, 'damn parents' does not portend well for its future. Up to you what you want to do about it. Her parents certainly aren't going to change. I know what my problem is. Me worrying about this is the main issue. Not knowing what to do, not knowing how to act like a man. I want her parents to be different, I want the girl that I am dating to be more present, more communicative and affectionate IRL through e-mail/texts etc. etc. I know that she has a different 'style' like you said in one of my other posts. But her lack of common courtesy –and that of her parents- is starting to annoy me. It's becoming more and more clear that this isn't going to work out. But I wish it did.
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 The best thing to do in this situation is to have a chat with one or both parents. Is it one or both who are giving you some trouble? Mention to your gf that you wish that her parents liked her. Maybe it's only one who doesn't like you. Offer to have a chat with them, and ask why it is that they don't really like you that much. Unless you have done something terrible (prison record, crashed a car, drugs, etc.) then you have nothing to worry about. If you have? Well, then there is little to no hope. I'll try. Her mom is a tad more approachable than her father. Thanks for the suggestion. Who knows, a little bonding is always good.
veggirl Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 My parents were like that. At 19 you aren't a fully grown mature understanding and reasonable adult. At 19 you're still naive. And yes, if she lives under their roof, she has to obey their rules. They feed her, clothe her, shelter her and they raised her. It's called RESPECT. The OP can date whoever he wants, but if he doesn't want parents to be involved, then he shouldn't date someone so young. It's not his gf's fault she is young and still has parents that are actively involved in her life. Sure she has to obey their rules like curfew and whatnot, but RESPECT doesn't equal "Say jump and I'll ask how high." She had plans with her boyfriend that presumably she had asked permission to go do, or informed her parents. And then later they said "no come do XYZ with us instead. But you can bring your boyfriend." You can't see how that would be uncool if you are the boyfriend who has already made plan A with his girlfriend and bought the things for THAT? All of a sudden to be told "I can't. My parents said so. But you can come do this instead." You must be missing the part where they had plans. I agree he should not be dating an 18 yr old. That's why I told him he shouldn't in my post
carhill Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 OP, one potential is turning 'damn parents' into 'I respect their perspective but disagree with it'. One's mindset is important in situations like this.
kaylan Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) OP her parents have a right to be concerned. Id be very suspicious of a grown man in his 20s sniffing around some right out of high school teenager whos barely wet behind the ears. And her age, age gaps Ike yours are very pronounced. Im 25 and would never date a girl under 21. And I especially see teenagers as kids. Most girls under 21 arent really on my level in terms of life experience and they tend to be very naive. And while shes living under her parents roof, and they provide for her, then shes going to have to abide by their rules. You gotta deal with that. She may be a legal adult, but shes still their teenage kid and she isnt close to be independent. When she moves out then she can make her own rules. Personally I think you should date women your own age because then parents arent an issue. And do you actually like this girl? If I was her older brother Id be keeping an eye on you since older guys are known to try and prey on the naivety of young chicks. Why are you courting teenagers anyways? PS - Disregard PUA nonsense. Im a man here telling you what others have said. I also can tell you my luck with women got way better once I started ignoring all the PUA nonsense. Its really just mental masturbation mixed with some BS and a few tidbits of common sense. Edited July 7, 2012 by kaylan
Author Thierro Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Sure she has to obey their rules like curfew and whatnot, but RESPECT doesn't equal "Say jump and I'll ask how high." She had plans with her boyfriend that presumably she had asked permission to go do, or informed her parents. And then later they said "no come do XYZ with us instead. But you can bring your boyfriend." You can't see how that would be uncool if you are the boyfriend who has already made plan A with his girlfriend and bought the things for THAT? All of a sudden to be told "I can't. My parents said so. But you can come do this instead." You must be missing the part where they had plans. I will tell her this when I see her tomorrow (just 8 hours from now.. ) OP, one potential is turning 'damn parents' into 'I respect their perspective but disagree with it'. One's mindset is important in situations like this. Writing ‘damn parents’ shows a lack of character. My bad.. Thanks for setting me straight. OP her parents have a right to be concerned. Id be very suspicious of a grown man in his 20s sniffing around some right out of high school teenager whos barely wet behind the ears. And her age, age gaps Ike yours are very pronounced. Im 25 and would never date a girl under 21. And I especially see teenagers as kids. Most girls under 21 arent really on my level in terms of life experience and they tend to be very naive. And while shes living under her parents roof, and they provide for her, then shes going to have to abide by their rules. You gotta deal with that. She may be a legal adult, but shes still their teenage kid and she isnt close to be independent. When she moves out then she can make her own rules. Personally I think you should date women your own age because then parents arent an issue. And do you actually like this girl? If I was her older brother Id be keeping an eye on you since older guys are known to try and prey on the naivety of young chicks. Why are you courting teenagers anyways? PS - Disregard PUA nonsense. Im a man here telling you what others have said. I also can tell you my luck with women got way better once I started ignoring all the PUA nonsense. Its really just mental masturbation mixed with some BS and a few tidbits of common sense. I thought she was a lot older when we met. I really didn’t want to go through with it when she told me she is 18. A person changes so much at that age. I met my ex when she was 17, I was 19(?) at the time. It turned out in a relationship well over 4 years. So I know that there’s a possibility that it can work out, but it’s certainly not for life. She’s smart and very mature for her age. But her age does become more apparent. Something that is bothering me. Maybe you are all right to just tell her that she is too young for me. But I do believe that the both of us can have a really good time together. I feel that I can learn something from her. I know she feels the same way. We already discussed our age difference. We both have a hard time with it, but we also feel really good together. There’s a connection. We certainly don’t rush things. We want to take it slowly. Her parents have the right to feel this way. I should be more considerate about their feelings. However, her parents have always been like this. I don’t agree with their parenting style.
funlady Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 If you REALLY like her go to that damn festival and pretend it was the best idea ever to do so. You win them over, they will let you see her. You alienate them, they will do anything in their power to end this (and clearly they can if she does whatever it is they want her to do) They are testing you and will be testing you for a while still. OR you can give up and date someone older.....just my opinion.
FitChick Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I thought the Netherlands was like the Scandinavian countries -- a sexual playground. Prostitution is open and legal, drugs are legal, they show pornography on TV, etc. So it's strange her parents are so uptight about sex.
denise_xo Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 You won't be able to change their parenting style. Perhaps you should go ahead to this festival, show them that you're an adult and expect to be treated as one, and later negotiate your boundaries with your gf.
TheFinalWord Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 The one good thing about dating after you turn forty is that usually your date's parents are dead. That literally made me LOL :laugh::laugh:
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