amaysngrace Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I agree with the previous poster that you should not have him to your house every day. Since you have become accustomed to catering to this man, realistically you will still plan your day around his arrival. You need time away from him and do not need to be seeing him every day but if you'd like maybe have him over on Sundays for dinner since thats a family day. But if he shows up every day you'll just be establishing a new pattern but not necessarily a healthy one. 1
carhill Posted July 15, 2012 Posted July 15, 2012 I'll add that, if you/he aren't willing to engage in MC to work on the M and have made an interim 'arrangement' to function for the time being, then accept that choice and approach it just like a business. If there's a schedule, do your part to respect it. If H disrespects it, have boundaries in place with consequences. Keep interactions with H neutral. Refrain from emotional interaction or validation of his emotional outbursts. Removing emotion from the separation process sanitizes it and focuses on the remaining emotional attachments, those with your children. Periodically, if the separation is proving to be a positive experience, re-visit the potential reconciliation process if you choose to. Considering the backstory, I highly recommend using a professional third party to assist. Otherwise, extend the potential and gauge synergy as compared to your boundaries of health. If positive, explore it; if negative, back to business.
Steen719 Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I don't think my husband would ever hurt him. He loves his boy so much I think it might have been to discourage him, because he wouldn't win the fight if he tried. We've been talking about what would happen if he did leave, and he'd still come home after work and be with us and go back to where he was staying to sleep. We both can agree on that if he leaves. Shelly, There are all kinds of love and some are very destructive. What your H has done seems to be more in the vein that he loves himself more than anyone else. Anyway, I was talking about what might happen if your son did something to his Dad. He threatened him, he is very angry, he feels that he has to stand up for you...you, an adult with a working mind of your own and the ability to make better choices for you and your children. I am not trying to be mean, really, I am not. I just do not understand this mentality. This is your chance to help your son. He is not an adult and he is your responsibility. If your H comes every day to the house and does everything but sleep there, how is that giving everyone a break and a way to diffuse the situation? Choose your children; make the right choice and choose your children instead of a man who has cheated, disrespected you and your children, brought another child in the mix, hit you and now engages in an argument with his son about a physical confrontation.
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Has anyone ever dealt with this, have any insight of why he's doing this to me or have advice on how I should handle it? Why is he acting like this? Because he is a POS cheater, pure and simple. Why would you expect graciousness in him knowing you want a divorce when he cheated on you in the first place? How should you handle it? Well if you are getting divorced, and his cheating ass is going to try to make YOU feel bad about this, don't let him. One, you tell him straight up, "This is your doing, not mine. You are a cheater and shouldn't be surprised at this" Two, its best if one of you leaves the house. I'd say it should be him. But you can't force him to do it, and if one of you leaves the house, then the other owes 1/2 the equity in the house to the departing party. That needs to be brought up to your attorney. But you need to let him know that he has no right trying to make you feel guilty as he is a cheating POS.
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him ANYONE is better than a narcissistic cheater. and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. Then you get the best, and biggest bulldog of an attorney you can find and discuss NOTHING with him. If he tries to discuss anything about the divorce with you, you tell him to talk to your attorney. And write down ANYTHING he says with dates and times so your attorney has a record of how he is behaving, especially when he tells you he will not make this easy for you or threatens to drag this out forever. Your attorney can always say, "we are done negotiating, we are going to let the judge decide". His attorney and him will not be able to push around the judge. Half the marital assets is half, and there isn't anything he can do about it. But document EVERYTHING, even if it seems petty, and say NOTHING to him but, "have your attorney talk to my attorney". Discuss NOTHING with him. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't. Document this if he said as much. This would be a threat, again which will work in your favor. What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then? He isn't right, and with all the documentation, your lawyer will make sure it doesn't happen. Get a real bulldog, someone seen as the most ruthless divorce attorney around. Oh, and document the assault/battery. You should have called the cops on him. And I don't know why you said you "asked for it". Nobody asks to be battered.
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 You KNOW he's not right. If you'd read the book by now, you'd know that everything he spews out is straight abusespeak right out of the Abuse Handbook 101. HE IS LOSING CONTROL AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT. And he really isn't going to like it and realize just how insignificant his little threats are when her attorney hands him his ass in court.
2sunny Posted July 17, 2012 Posted July 17, 2012 The most prominent reason he would have to still be at the house every day is to continue his control over you and the kids. That's good reason to keep him away.
turnera Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Shelly, if you backed down and told him you changed your mind, don't be embarrassed to tell us. We see it all the time and we aren't here to judge you - just to help you on whichever decision you make. Let us help, ok?
carhill Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 It's done. He has the power back. A little hysterical bonding and some smooth talk and onward.
UpwardForward Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 What if: The OW had gotten tired of waiting and kicked him to the curb. Went on w her life, but did ask if he would help out w their child while she went for further education, studying, another relationship, etc. What if: the MM is still friendly w the OW, and ego-wise giving her a kiss - But, he is genuinely trying to make his marriage work, and for all Intents & purposes is really trying to renew his M w his Wife.
Gunny376 Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 Shelly your husband is a user, abuser, and an outright loser. He's manipulative, he's never going to change. He just wants to have things his way, the way its always been ~ his way. He's lost control ~ his "little woman" isn't the mild, meek, giving "Yes Dear ~ Whatever You Say Dear" go along to get along woman/wife/mother he thought he had complete control and domination over. He's never going to change and if you stay with him? Your going to be back in the same situation you've been in for the last five years. Your a "giver" you've given to him, your children. You're the one that fixer your dinner plate last, went to bed after everyone else, was the first up before everyone else to get them off to work. You bought everyone else something, never purchashing anything for yourself ~ (and I willing to bet if you did? You caught Hell from this "Jewel" of a husband) The time to get out is here and now! While your still young, still have your mental, emotional, pyschological, and physical health. Will it hurt! You bet ya! Will it be hard? Damn right it will! Will it be scary! I can almost guarantee it! I don't know what you call what you have with the so-called "Husband" but its not marriage. Your not doing yourself and your children any favors by staying. You don't have a marriage ~ and I doubt you ever had one? How would know the true promise of what a marriage ~ a true marriage is ~ you've not relative point of comparison? What you haven't isn't a marriage ~ its a freaking Black Hole which will suck you in and from which if you don't escape now? You may never escape. And if you stay it will not only suck you in? It will suck the very little what you have of life out you, your individuality, your very being and soul. All the SCH (So-Called-Husband) is doing now? Is what he should have been doing from the "get-go" over the last twenty-two years. He made his bed hard let him sleep in it! Or better yet! Let him go and sleep in the OW's bed ~ Oh! I bet she's woken up that he's a jerk too and won't have him! I know this is probally one of ~ if not most painful events of your life ~ but pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body! 1
eeyore1981 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I was afraid of this...Did she go, did she stay, will we be reading about a missing woman named Shelly in the next day or so... 1
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Shelly your husband is a user, abuser, and an outright loser. He's manipulative, he's never going to change. He just wants to have things his way, the way its always been ~ his way. He's lost control ~ his "little woman" isn't the mild, meek, giving "Yes Dear ~ Whatever You Say Dear" go along to get along woman/wife/mother he thought he had complete control and domination over. He's never going to change and if you stay with him? Your going to be back in the same situation you've been in for the last five years. Your a "giver" you've given to him, your children. You're the one that fixer your dinner plate last, went to bed after everyone else, was the first up before everyone else to get them off to work. You bought everyone else something, never purchashing anything for yourself ~ (and I willing to bet if you did? You caught Hell from this "Jewel" of a husband) The time to get out is here and now! While your still young, still have your mental, emotional, pyschological, and physical health. Will it hurt! You bet ya! Will it be hard? Damn right it will! Will it be scary! I can almost guarantee it! I don't know what you call what you have with the so-called "Husband" but its not marriage. Your not doing yourself and your children any favors by staying. You don't have a marriage ~ and I doubt you ever had one? How would know the true promise of what a marriage ~ a true marriage is ~ you've not relative point of comparison? What you haven't isn't a marriage ~ its a freaking Black Hole which will suck you in and from which if you don't escape now? You may never escape. And if you stay it will not only suck you in? It will suck the very little what you have of life out you, your individuality, your very being and soul. All the SCH (So-Called-Husband) is doing now? Is what he should have been doing from the "get-go" over the last twenty-two years. He made his bed hard let him sleep in it! Or better yet! Let him go and sleep in the OW's bed ~ Oh! I bet she's woken up that he's a jerk too and won't have him! I know this is probally one of ~ if not most painful events of your life ~ but pain is nothing more than weakness leaving the body! I agree!!! Hi Gunny! Good to see you here! Shelly - it will kill you to stay - mind, body and soul! The spirit of you will die if you stay in this abusive situation. Call a women's shelter if you need to - but please get the help you and your kids need to keep this monster away from you!
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