amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I don't want to go, and he doesn't want me to either... I'm the one who cane up with leaving. He said he'll do whatever I want to if there's any chance we can work it out. He's not ready for it to be over. We both came up with the kids staying here but we haven't talked about it with them yet. Shelly you didn't answer the question...did you see a lawyer? If for no other reason, get one so that you aren't doing this alone. You'll come from a position of power once you have legal representation. Please see one ASAP.
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I don't want to go, and he doesn't want me to either... I'm the one who cane up with leaving. He said he'll do whatever I want to if there's any chance we can work it out. He's not ready for it to be over. We both came up with the kids staying here but we haven't talked about it with them yet. Nowhere in this do you say that you ASKED him to leave. Did you? He says he will do whatever you want - LET HIM. ASK him to move out. HE is the one who ruined the family, Shelly, NOT YOU. Please don't move out. 1
Author Shelly72 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Our conversation went like this: Me: so maybe I should just go. Him:go where? You don't have anywhere to go do you? Me: just go rent somewhere. Him: are you sure you want to do this to us? Me: no, I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you, but we should take a break for awhile. (I was crying by this time) Him: I want you to stay here with me too, you're who I want. I'll back her off, and he won't come around anymore. I will do anything you ask me to, I need you. You're my girl, we belong together. Me: we just need time to make sure we're doing the right thing. It's not fair to the kids. Him: yeah, I know. What are we going to do with them? Me: I was going to ask you. Him: they probably should stay here so no one asks anything. Me: yeah, we shouldn't up root them. Him: please don't leave me. I love you more than anyone in the world. Me: I'm sorry. Then I walked out of the room.
pink_sugar Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I don't think many of the posters here don't understand that her kids are TEENAGERS. They are quite capable of being included in the discussion and deciding where they want to go. They are not by any means little. I agree, see a lawyer about your options. While he does pay for everything, he is the one who committed adultery and should pay the consequences. Tell him you need him to stay somewhere else while you have time to think things over. If he really will do anything, he'll leave.
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 How can one tell him to move out, when he acts as if he is committed to Shelly and the marriage and wants another chance. 1
shayla Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Let him go and live with his other woman and their son. He has his second family and he cannot seem to stay away from her, so let him go to her and you stay home with your kids.
Furious Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Do not do or commit to anything before you see a lawyer. You must be informed of your legal rights and what you are entitled to. 2
turnera Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 How can one tell him to move out, when he acts as if he is committed to Shelly and the marriage and wants another chance. Because for THE LAST FIVE YEARS he has NOT been committed to Shelly, he has flaunted his mistress in her FACE, he has been KISSING his mistress right in front of his WIFE, he DUMPS his love child in her LAP and expects her to take care of the kid and NOT COMPLAIN, and he VERBALLY ABUSES her. Reason enough? Words are easy. Words are the ART of an abuser. If he loves her, he would already be moved out to make her life less stressful. is he? No. He's plopped right down there, telling her he can't live without her, but NOTHING about what SHE is going through.
carhill Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 It's now Wednesday. Any movement on that MC appointment?
KatZee Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 (edited) I think there is so much good advice given on this thread, but I have to agree that Shelly has zero sense of self-worth. I think she's blowing a lot of hot air with these "conversations" she's having with her abusive husband, but at the end of the day NOTHING is going to happen. She's going to stay with him, she's going to get sucked right back into his manipulation and his lies, and his charming ways. Shelly, your husband has done a damned good job at knocking you down as an individual. You want to be strong but you just can't act on it. I don't believe there are any lawyers involved, and I don't believe there are any definitive plans set to get things moving. Just, "Oh maybe I should leave." NO. You should NOT leave. That is not the right move, and the longer you continue to act without having a lawyer who is looking out for YOUR best interests, is the sooner you're going to go about screwing yourself. Your husband IS NOT looking out for you and your best interests. Everyone already said it here so it's not worth repeating. But the words, manipulation, control, and abuse should all be words you continue repeating in your head. No one said this would be easy, but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? With your husbands infidelities? Do you really see your husband doing a complete 180 after everything he's done to you? If anything he'll just become much better at hiding it. OR he'll change for a set period of time, and then just fall back into his old habits. He does not act like a man in love with you. He doesn't act like a man who even LIKES you. He clearly doesn't respect you at all. Flowers mean sh*t, as does his pathetic sorry as* sap letter. His tears mean nothing either. He has A LOT to lose if you file for divorce. You can walk away with child support, sole custody, cash... he will be RUINED. And that's why he's suddenly had an "awakening." I'm sure he was out screwing this OW laughing at you and thinking, "hahaha this dumb woman will never leave me." THAT is what he thinks about you. Stop dawdling, and START BEING PROACTIVE. Get a lawyer, GET A PLAN. You're walking around with no clue what the hell you're doing and I'm sorry, this guy has ruined you enough, you don't need to become your own worst enemy on top of it. It really makes me sick to see what he's done to you. Edited July 12, 2012 by KatZee
Author Shelly72 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 No I didn't get an attorney, I wasn't planning on it... We told our kids I didn't file for a divorce just a separation, our daughter was happy, but our son is furious. He's never acted like this toward either one of us, It was so weird. He ran off before we could ask him who he would like to go with. Our daughter wants to stay with her daddy though
eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 No I didn't get an attorney, I wasn't planning on it... We told our kids I didn't file for a divorce just a separation, our daughter was happy, but our son is furious. He's never acted like this toward either one of us, It was so weird. He ran off before we could ask him who he would like to go with. Our daughter wants to stay with her daddy though Shelly, what are the goals you are hoping to achieve with your current actions?
Author Shelly72 Posted July 12, 2012 Author Posted July 12, 2012 Shelly, what are the goals you are hoping to achieve with your current actions? I want to see if he truly makes me happy or if I'm just sticking around for another reason. I want him to figure out what he wants too, I just want him to be happy.
eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I want to see if he truly makes me happy or if I'm just sticking around for another reason. I want him to figure out what he wants too, I just want him to be happy. Six months from now, are you going to be okay with the situation if you are moved out, your children live with him, and he has also moved in his OW, and is fighting against giving you any of the assets you two have built over the years? I'm not saying this is definitely what will happen, I'm saying it's a legitimate possibility. Will you be okay with that?
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I want to see if he truly makes me happy or if I'm just sticking around for another reason. I want him to figure out what he wants too, I just want him to be happy. I think these seem like sound reasons. Just remember that absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. And IMO men can be more fickle/less loyal than women. (I'm not considering the past in this - just from now forward, and according to the pleas/promises he has been making to you.)
amaysngrace Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I'm sorry but what a poor example you and he have been for your children. Someone needs to be a role model for them and you've both failed miserably.
turnera Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I want to see if he truly makes me happy or if I'm just sticking around for another reason. I want him to figure out what he wants too, I just want him to be happy. I'm sorry but you need mental help, Shelly. You are NOT acting in the best interests of yourself OR your children. You need to go get checked out by a psychologist, ok? For your kids?
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Shelly, Just to say that I don't join others with thoughts that the answer to all of life's problems are found on the psychiatrist's couch. Even if my thoughts are not the same as others' approaches, you will never see me telling them to see a shrink - or because my opinions vary from theirs. (This counseling thing is starting to even sound demeaning.) I would just suggest that you don't do anything in haste (or for the wrong reason) and with careful thought to your decisions and future.
turnera Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 upward, she is HURTING inside and does not have the knowledge or objectivity to understand why. A person who's been to at least 8 years of specialized college training to learn how to help people is in a much better place to help her find peace than us armchair counselors. It can't hurt her and it most certainly can help her. We get that you don't want her to leave her husband, for whatever reason. But please don't try to talk her out of getting help from people who CAN help her. 1
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 upward, she is HURTING inside and does not have the knowledge or objectivity to understand why. A person who's been to at least 8 years of specialized college training to learn how to help people is in a much better place to help her find peace than us armchair counselors. It can't hurt her and it most certainly can help her. We get that you don't want her to leave her husband, for whatever reason. But please don't try to talk her out of getting help from people who CAN help her. I've never said I didn't want her to leave husband, just that it's for Shelly's and her children's best interest if she doesn't leave the home at this time. I could support or counsel Shelly whether she wishes to save her M, or start a new life for herself. Of course she's hurting. That's why she wishes to run. Everything is for a season and diff stages of grief.
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I'm sorry but you need mental help, Shelly. You are NOT acting in the best interests of yourself OR your children. You need to go get checked out by a psychologist, ok? For your kids? Who are we to say??
turnera Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Shelly has gone through a major upheaval since she came here, when she was being rude to a child because the child exemplified her unmet needs by her husband. Given their background, Shelly moving from one abusive situation to another and becoming a de facto servant/employee/maid/bedmate for this man, she has run from one end of the spectrum to the other and is now finding herself defeated, feeling worthless, and only wanting her HUSBAND to be happy. She is one step away from giving up, apologizing for making a stink, and turning into a robot for the rest of her life. The same thing that happens to hundreds of thousands of abused/controlled women. The only way I know for her to move beyond this stifling situation - when she has NO healthy background/childhood upon which to gauge normalcy or healthiness - is to get someone to guide her through it who has HER interests at heart and who DOES have the ability to help her see what better options are.
carhill Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Seen at the bottom of every page on Loveshack: Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. My opinion, in light of H's plea that he would do anything to reconcile, is that MC could help the marriage. This opinion is not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. OK, disclaimer
UpwardForward Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 I believe Shelly said on one of her threads that she and H attended 'couples counseling'.
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