pink_sugar Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I can understand you needed to take this step instead of divorce. Is he aware you filed for a separation instead of divorce? You can use this time to think things over slowly, let things sink in and plan what you will do when and if you do file. But you definitely need to start staying at separate places. Take what you need and stay elsewhere for awhile until you have a plan in motion. I think you'll realize things will be more clear to you after you've had weeks and months to think things over. 1
turnera Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I left the house early this morning before anyone was up. I filed for a separation because I'm really not prepared for divorce yet. I stayed out Of the house for awhile to collect myself, when I came home he was there. He didn't go to work at all today and just watched his son. He doesn't look good at all... Of course he doesn't. You just shut down the cake shop and he's never had to think about what he'd do without it. Stop letting him guilt you. He is ALL ABOUT CHANGING YOUR MIND right now. That is ALL he cares about and he knows you. He knows that if he is pathetic enough, you'll just cave and let him have his way again. That's all he knows. But what about YOU? 1
UpwardForward Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 He doesn't look good at all. .. this did make me laugh, though ..
dreamingoftigers Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm not going to dig through the whole thread as it is late here. Have you spoken to an attorney. He won't wait. His honey's in law school and he's selfish. You had better get your assets protected before he up and walks with everything. 3
UpwardForward Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I'm not going to dig through the whole thread as it is late here. Have you spoken to an attorney. He won't wait. His honey's in law school and he's selfish. You had better get your assets protected before he up and walks with everything. Yes Shelly, they do do this. We had our own business so it was easier for him to transfer funds to her w/o my knowing it. I would have not known, excepting for an insider - later.
irin Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 please dont ever feel guilty for any of this, you are not at fault!
Author Shelly72 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I'm looking for somewhere else to live right now. This is so hard, I don't think I can do it. 2
Furious Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm looking for somewhere else to live right now. This is so hard, I don't think I can do it. Why should you leave your home...it should be your husband who leaves. Why uproot your children from their home, their neighborhood and friends.
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 (edited) I'm looking for somewhere else to live right now. This is so hard, I don't think I can do it. You can still reside at your home, be there for your children .. But Leave In the Spirit. I mentioned before. Plan your future. It seems you felt so much more tolerant of the situation when you thought you would be removing yourself - or divorcing. You can continue to do the same. Think upon how you would visualize yourself years from now (if your marriage doesn't work out) .. and plan toward your future in the spirit, w/o disrupting anyone. Plan plan plan .. A first step could be extended education in that that you would wish to pursue. Example: Before my husband left me, I wish I would have pursued a field that I could make a living at, and enjoy. i.e. the field of Dietetics .. or becoming a dietitian. The computer age had arrived and my prev bookkeeping skills had become obsolete. While I did receive my real estate license after that, I didn't consider the field stable enough to make a consistant living. I'm just saying, what you need is time to adjust to a possible future of self support. Your share of you and your H's community assets could run out, and spousal support is only for a season. Why disrupt yourself w/o: Thee Plan. Edited July 11, 2012 by UpwardForward
carhill Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Scenario: OP says 'Leave' H says 'No' What next? For more insight, watch a movie which still cracks me up, even though I recently went through a D, War of the Roses. I don't know if the OP has the stomach for it, but my exW taught me a great lesson about how caring less 'wins', relatively speaking, in divorce. If such is not her natural style, and is for her H, it could be a challenge. Myself, I'd likely be focused on stability for the children; whatever promotes health and well-being for them. Friends, school, social and family life. Tough time. No easy answers. 3
pink_sugar Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Scenario: OP says 'Leave' H says 'No' What next? I'm with carhill on this one. He may feel fully entitled to stay if he's the breadwinner in the household. While it's worth giving it a shot, she needs to have a backup living option to give herself time away and to think about what she'd like out of life. She needs to separate from him physically and emotionally. As far as the kids and stability, they are teenagers now, so it is up to them whether or not the want to go with the mother or remain with the father.
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 On the other hand, if she DOES get the legal ball rolling, he WILL be responsible financially for taking care of his wife and family; it will likely be HIM moving out, as long as Shelly doesn't cave. Shelly, do you have a support system of people who can back you up when these decisions are made? You're not moving out without the kids, are you? 1
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 You're not moving out without the kids, are you? Seems as if children are split on this. Son w mother, daughter w father. Why would they want to be uprooted to live in another residence, anyway.
Author Shelly72 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I'm leaving, we both agree it's his house (it's in both our names but he paid for it, so why should he leave? The kids are staying with him as we both think it would be easier for them.
2sunny Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm leaving, we both agree it's his house (it's in both our names but he paid for it, so why should he leave? The kids are staying with him as we both think it would be easier for them. It's YOUR house as much as its his! You've been married a long time - he just happens to have a job that brings in money. Don't leave - require him to leave. And certainly don't leave your kids - the court may show that as abandoning your kids. See an attorney ASAP and get money ordered through the court.
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 See an attorney ASAP and get money ordered through the court. Yes Shelly, I hope this is covered with your legal separation. At this time, how do you feel about leaving .. i.e. relieved, apprehensive, or .. ?
bentnotbroken Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm leaving, we both agree it's his house (it's in both our names but he paid for it, so why should he leave? The kids are staying with him as we both think it would be easier for them. Have you spoken to a lawyer before you move out. You wouldn't want to be accused of abandonment. 1
UpwardForward Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 IMO, it will always be construed as abandonment. A mother leaves her residence and kids because of hurt over H's infidelity and the reminder in bringing his lovechild into the residence. However the household is divided, there will be guilt. This is why I have suggested working on and strengthening Shelly, and her Future. This can be done w/o leaving. 1
eeyore1981 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 This is so not good. Shelly has no sense of self-worth, and she's not just going to have a lightbulb moment and suddenly recognize she is just as much a person with just as many feelings and just as many rights as she sees her husband having. She believes she's less than human, and I have no doubts her oh so special and loving husband has nurtured these thoughts since he first got his hands on her. Shelly, ask yourself why you feel so unworthy. Look at all the women posting in here, who are now or have been in the same boat you are in now, do you feel they are all unworthy as well? Do you feel this way about your daughter? Please answer these questions for yourself, because you don't deserve to have spent so much of your life with this man and then just fade away like you didn't even exist. Don't parrot what you've heard all your life, think for yourself. Please talk to your attorney before you do anything, especially before you sign anything. 2
turnera Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Shelly, please please don't leave your house. Be strong and tell him you need him out. PLEASE! Please understand that we have seen this time and again, and it's your low self worth combined with his abuse that is telling you to leave. I know you think you'll be ok 'out there,' but I'm not so sure. HE cheated. HE abused. Why on earth should you move out? What does your lawyer say about it? 1
amaysngrace Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm leaving, we both agree it's his house (it's in both our names but he paid for it, so why should he leave? The kids are staying with him as we both think it would be easier for them. And your lawyer says this is a good idea? You said "we both agreed" and I really hope the "we" is you and your attorney...
wow04 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Don't do anything without talking to your lawyer. You chance losing more than you know.
whichwayisup Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm leaving, we both agree it's his house (it's in both our names but he paid for it, so why should he leave? The kids are staying with him as we both think it would be easier for them. Do NOT move out of your house. Unless you want to come by and visit your kids and see the OW in YOUR bed, eating dinner at YOUR diningroom table. Tell him to leave and go stay with his OW and their son. DO NOT leave and DO NOT leave your kids behind. Talk to a lawyer asap and make sure you are protected, otherwise your husband will screw you over so badly. 1
Author Shelly72 Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 I don't want to go, and he doesn't want me to either... I'm the one who cane up with leaving. He said he'll do whatever I want to if there's any chance we can work it out. He's not ready for it to be over. We both came up with the kids staying here but we haven't talked about it with them yet.
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