Alban Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I think you shouldn't let things easily go ..even though he cheated on you I think he loves you, crying is more than just a prove men don't cry so easily. You are so long with him together and you have kids with him and you love him so much. So why don't you give it another shot I see all the people here are just ****ed up for every **** they say dumb him dumb her it's not easy you have spend almost your whole life with him don't let it go away. My advice is give it a break.. 2-3 months without living together might give you two time to heal and come stronger next time. Hope you do the best I wish you happiness Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 My kids and I have talked about it both separately and collectively. My 16 year old son is on my side and agrees that this is the best thing to do. My daughter on the other hand is very upset with me. She has always been his little angel and she will usually follow his lead. Another reason I'm afraid to leave is because I don't want to do this on my own. He's always been a great father to my children, he's loving and attentive. He takes care of them in ways I'm not going to live up to. I don't ever want to stand in the way of their relationship. He's also been a father figure to my 20 year old brother who adores him as much as my kids do. I don't want to take that away from my brother, they're so close you would think he is our oldest son. Your husband can continue to have a good relationship with his children and your brother. He can have visitation or joint custody and continue to be an important part of their lives. I think it's important that they not lose their father in this process. But you also have a right to decide how you want to live out the rest of your life, and with whom. Do you want to share your husband's affections with another woman? Of course not. Do you want to have to take care of your husband's love child for the next 14 years? You've made it clear that you don't. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about if your husband is being faithful to you? Do you want to have to watch your husband kiss and show affection to this OW for the next 14 years until their child is grown, and at other times thereafter, since they will always have this child together? If that's a life you want to live, then I guess you'll be staying. I'm just saying that you don't have to live with this. You can have the strength to leave him, and you can get child support from him. You ARE able to live without him, and would then have the potential to build a life where you are not having to deal with this crap in your marriage. There ARE men out there who are faithful husbands. Don't let him convince you that no man is any different than him. It's your decision if you want to live with this situation, or if being free from it is where you will be happier. Just don't let him intimidate you into any decision. That decision is yours and yours alone--not your children's, not your brother's, not your husband's, but your decision whether this is a life you want for yourself, with the negative stuff that your husband has brought into it. But if you do decide to leave, or have your husband to leave, then have a talk with your children and tell them that marriage is a sacred thing, and that when their dad chose to betray it, he destroyed the trust that is so fundamental to have in a marriage, and that you feel that is not something your marriage can recover from, given that the person he has betrayed you with is now a permanent part of his life. Don't go overboard with trashing your husband to your children. No good can come from that. Don't make them pawns in this, but do let them know that whether to stay or go is really your decision to make, and it's something you have to live with the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I think you shouldn't let things easily go ..even though he cheated on you I think he loves you, crying is more than just a prove men don't cry so easily. You are so long with him together and you have kids with him and you love him so much. So why don't you give it another shot I see all the people here are just ****ed up for every **** they say dumb him dumb her it's not easy you have spend almost your whole life with him don't let it go away. My advice is give it a break.. 2-3 months without living together might give you two time to heal and come stronger next time. Hope you do the best I wish you happiness i agree with everything but a separation, heal together, the three month break could turn into anything and what happens, what it turns into, might be out of shelley's control, cuz i see the boy's mother as a clever little peice, at any rate, we don't know her measure, let's be careful out there, seriously, just thinking of shelley's happiness Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I think you shouldn't let things easily go ..even though he cheated on you I think he loves you, crying is more than just a prove men don't cry so easily. You are so long with him together and you have kids with him and you love him so much. So why don't you give it another shot I see all the people here are just ****ed up for every **** they say dumb him dumb her it's not easy you have spend almost your whole life with him don't let it go away. My advice is give it a break.. 2-3 months without living together might give you two time to heal and come stronger next time. Hope you do the best I wish you happiness I agree here, for the most part. And a separation may be the way to go for now. The only thing I would add is: Husband knew his marriage was in trouble (thoughts of an impending D) when his son came for this last 4 day visit. He just hid in bed, and w/o even telling his W beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Men cry very easily when they are manipulative and think it will get them what they want. I think he and his law school OW had a time table for his exit strategy and Shelly is screwing that timing up. they probably wanted to wait till she graduated so they could go on having the built in babysitter in a pinch, be able to hook up for those times "he just couldn't" watch the kid and Shelly "had to do it", and then either when the OW passed the bar and got in with a decent firm - they'd have built in help for the divorce proceedings. Then they could have everything squared away tidy to leave Shelly in the dust. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Reading the other thread, which I didn't read before responding here initially, IMO, if they do separate as opposed to a straight divorce, it should be a legal separation if available in their jurisdiction. Settle the major issues, bifurcate the rest and have clear legal boundaries regarding finance, custody and visitation. An informal separation will be an open invitation to abuse of the process by the philandering husband, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shelly72 Posted July 8, 2012 Author Share Posted July 8, 2012 He and his son went out to do something because he was bored. When they came back he had a dozen roses. He laid them on the table next to me and walked out. They had a note tucked in them that made me cry. I don't know what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) This is common. If he's a narcissist, very common. They're masters at manipulation. I could tell you stories. I heard many a middle of the night phone calls just like what you're sharing here. Edited to add he is regaining balance quickly. You don't have much time. Edited July 8, 2012 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Google "cycle of abuse" People like him instill crazy making behavior...he's winning by keeping you a victim. You know maybe you aren't strong enough to leave just yet. That's okay. It happens. What I would do is get a notebook and a pen and journal someplace quietly where you can reflect on your feelings a little. Think of all the good and all the bad and weigh it out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 From what I've heard from MW's, journaling helps, though it can be difficult to keep it up. The next play will likely be the children end-run. Don't underestimate how this end-run can be used. If you've been with this guy since you were 17, he knows *all* your buttons. You have my sincerest sympathies. I'm so glad to be away from that stuff. Crazy-making. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 He and his son went out to do something because he was bored. When they came back he had a dozen roses. He laid them on the table next to me and walked out. They had a note tucked in them that made me cry. I don't know what to do... I think he's drawn to you because he sees the love, and your acceptance of his son. It's up to you if you wish to dump him - or try to save the M. Because of the vulnerable age of the little boy, I can't see an inbetween. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Think of all the good and all the bad and weigh it out. This. .. .. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 He and his son went out to do something because he was bored. When they came back he had a dozen roses. He laid them on the table next to me and walked out. They had a note tucked in them that made me cry. I don't know what to do... Divorce him! He's trying to manipulate you into staying! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 He does it because you have allowed it! Stop ALLOWING it! Don't give into his manipulation! Flowers are nothing but manipulation! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Roses are as cheap as words. All you should care about is actions. Actions like... NOT sleeping in when he knows his mistress is bringing over their son for YOU to watch NOT leaving you and HIS KIDS alone while he goes out to have fun with HER son ASKING you what it would take for you to give him a second chance and agreeing to them INSTANTLY VOWING to never speak to OW again except through emails that YOU monitor That would be good for a start. Has he done any of that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 He's just sad his perfect life might end = having BOTH women for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Alban Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 He and his son went out to do something because he was bored. When they came back he had a dozen roses. He laid them on the table next to me and walked out. They had a note tucked in them that made me cry. I don't know what to do... Don't listen to others, don't you see him ? He is trying to save your marriage, try to fix it don't be like some girls here who just are trying to convince you to dumb him. Give him a last chance, if he ****s it up again then you are free to go you can say then that you tried atleast. Think and make a choice, this is about your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 If the note said: 'Honey, I screwed up, and bad. I've made an appointment with a marriage counselor for tomorrow and am taking off work so we can work together to save our marriage. It's that important to me. Love xxxx' I'd be positive about that meeting. Otherwise, he's just a typical guy, one I've seen hundreds of in my life as a man, who's playing a woman's emotions. That's why he has a 4 year old with an OW he still sees and gets his wife to watch the child. He's an expert. Who knows who else is out there in the woodwork. It's so typical, there should be a picture in the dictionary. OP, if it's possible to share, what did the note say? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) That was the first and only time, he only backhanded me though. He didn't do anything else. I haven't thought much of it since then either. You haven't thought about it much? What if he does it again? He and his son went out to do something because he was bored. When they came back he had a dozen roses. He laid them on the table next to me and walked out. They had a note tucked in them that made me cry. I don't know what to do... You have two choices. Either stay and learn to love and accept his child, do family counselling or separate/divorce. Doing as you are now is not helping. There are two different issues going on. How you feel towards his son and him still cheating on you with the OW. RIght now your marriage isn't worth saving because he IS cheating on you. Did you go read Clair93's thread? How her stepmother is abusive, crazy and threatened to kill her? If not, please go read it. This is why IF you choose to stay, you MUST do counselling. Edited July 8, 2012 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Don't listen to others, don't you see him ? He is trying to save your marriage, try to fix it don't be like some girls here who just are trying to convince you to dumb him. Give him a last chance, if he ****s it up again then you are free to go you can say then that you tried atleast. Think and make a choice, this is about your life. Have you read the entire 3 threads? This man has a 5 year old with another woman whom he knocked up while married to Shelly. He not only has an affair child, but he continues to see the OW and talks down to Shelly making her feel stupid when she tells him how she feels about seeing him and the other woman kissing and leaving the son with her to watch. This man slapped her when she found out he impregnated another woman, tells her he won't let her leave, that he will ruin any other relationships she has and then tries to sugarcoat it with flowers and false promises. He knows her weak points and this cycle will continue. She's put up with more than enough from him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Alban Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Have you read the entire 3 threads? This man has a 5 year old with another woman whom he knocked up while married to Shelly. He not only has an affair child, but he continues to see the OW and talks down to Shelly making her feel stupid when she tells him how she feels about seeing him and the other woman kissing and leaving the son with her to watch. This man slapped her when she found out he impregnated another woman, tells her he won't let her leave, that he will ruin any other relationships she has and then tries to sugarcoat it with flowers and false promises. He knows her weak points and this cycle will continue. She's put up with more than enough from him. No, just this thread. And yes, it is the case like you say it he is a waste of human being, he should be fully ashamed what he is :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 This is common. If he's a narcissist, very common. They're masters at manipulation. I could tell you stories. I heard many a middle of the night phone calls just like what you're sharing here. Edited to add he is regaining balance quickly. You don't have much time. Shelly pay attention! See that lawyer. Stay focused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Expect him to ramp up the pressure on the kids, since you're not paying attention. He'll guilt them into pressuring you to let him stay. And remember the abuse cycle - he'll keep working the cycle until he finds the one that gets you to back down - pity me, how dare you, what if we..., you little witch who do you think you are, if you think you'll get away with this, I can't take it I'm going to kill myself...expect him to show you all of them, until you back down. Are you ok today? Remember, if you caved and relented, don't be ashamed. Abuse victims try to strike out, revert back, try again, go back to the guy, over and over. Just let us know what happened, and we'll help you move forward, whatever you decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) I've just read your posts on the 3rd thread. Wasn't aware of a 3rd one until someone mentioned it. I don't know if she broke up with him because she had outgrown him, or decided to go ahead w her life with another because he wouldn't divorce. But the fact remains you still have him. If I were you I would take the child coming and going in my stride. Think toward building up your life with a possibility of career, and with extended education courses, etc. While you're doing all of this, if he wants out of the marriage, perhaps you'll get a better settlement. As it is now, he will fight you - and you are probably unprepared to go out in the world. Even though after your 22 yr M, you're entitled to lifetime spousal support - that doesn't last forever because of the expected longevity of your H, and his business. There's a slight possibility that he thinks since he has always provided for - and taken care of you, he can expect you to care for his son - or anything else he wishes. IMO, demanding the situation to change, will not work. Edited July 9, 2012 by UpwardForward Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 That's a fair point. You could take some time to get it worked out. But I'd still get the paperwork started, before he talks you down. Link to post Share on other sites
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