My husband is not taking my filing for divorce well

[Shelly72]

My Husband had an affair and got his ow pregnant.

 

I didn't like his son and told him I didn't I regret how I've treated this kid really bad the more time we've spent together and wish I could take it back.

 

I'm filing on Monday as no fault so I don't have to prove anything, I don't want to make him stay with me because I know he still loves her and I want him to be happy.

 

I guess another reason I'm leaving is because I want someone who loves me too, I've been with him since I was 17 and we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary. We have a 14 year old and a 16 year old together.

 

When I told him I was leaving he yelled, threw a vase across the room that his grandmother gave us before she died, punched a hole through our kitchen wall, then later he cried and told me I can't leave him.

 

Now he calls me names, one of which is not true because I've never slept with anyone but him.

 

He'll wait til our son leaves the room because he knows he'll stand up for me but has no problem with our daughter being there. He tells me he won't let me leave I belong to him. He'll ruin every relationship I'll ever have so I'll have to come back.

 

He makes sure to call attention to his ring (I haven't been wearing mine) he drags it across the counter, clicks it on things and makes sure I'll see it when we talk. He got in the shower while I was getting ready to go out, took off his ring and pushed it in fron of me to see it. I wanted to throw it at him but knew it wouldn't end well.

 

I've nevEr felt so sad in my life, I really do love him more than anything.

 

Has anyone ever dealt with this, have any insight of why he's doing this to me or have advice on how I should handle it?

Edited July 7, 2012 by Shelly72

[2sunny]

He disrespects women.

 

Every abuser needs his victim. I'm glad you are realizing it shouldn't be you any longer.

 

He's also harming your daughter.

 

Run! Get counseling. And honor YOURSELF enough to not go back!

[carhill]

Wow, nice assault. Lucky he didn't get some stainless slapped on his wrists.

 

To be perfectly honest, I ran into a lot of this as a younger man. In fact, many years ago, a former MW with a story very similar to yours also shared your username. At the time I couldn't fathom how at least two women (that I knew of) could both get pregnant with such a man. In my area it was why I had a tough time finding a partner. Other men were polyamorous and were 'hogging' all the women. I understood it better as time went by.

 

My simplest and best explanation is, when you filed for divorce, formalizing your intentions of leaving him, he lost power. You removed choices from his grasp. Losing power can do strange things to some men. You saw what it did and is doing to him.

 

I sincerely hope you have a concrete plan of action in place. Step A, step B, step C.... leaving in such circumstances needs swift and sure execution in order to prevent him from regaining balance and reasserting his power.

 

Best wishes in your journey.

[KathyM]

Time to wash your hands of this man. He is out of control. I suppose he thought he didn't deserve it that you would leave him, since he (in his mind) gave up the OW to stay with you, and that you owe him for that. And I'm sure he's upset that he'll be losing a large chunk of his money, as well as custody of his kids. Oh, well. Too bad, so sad, for him. He created this fiasco, and now he has to deal with the consequences of it. Good for you for deciding that you deserve and want something better than to be disrespected in your own home and better than to have to share your husband with some other woman, and have to take care of a son that is a constant reminder of your husband's unfaithfulness. You deserve better, and he deserves whatever mess he has made for himself. And by leaving, you are teaching your daughter not to put up with infidelity from a man, and not to be a doormat who accepts whatever crappy behavior a man engages in. This will be a good lesson for her, and for your son, when they see some real consequences for infidelity, and maybe your children will be a little less likely to go down that road themselves someday, and maybe they will be a little less likely to tolerate that kind of behavior in their own marriage. Good luck. I think you did the right thing by choosing to leave. I know it's hard, and sometimes scarey, to move on to the next stage of your life without someone who has been a big part of your life for so long, but you need to keep telling yourself that you deserve respect and faithfulness, and anything other than that is something you will not tolerate. It will get easier as time goes on, but I know the initial stage of leaving will be difficult. Hang in there. I think you did the right thing by deciding to leave this mess behind you.

[Shelly72]

I don't know why he's doing this, I thought he'd be jumping for joy over it. But it's been the exact opposite...

 

He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him, and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't.

 

What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then?

[bentnotbroken]

He is losing control of the situation. Get a recorder to tape all conversations. Write down every outburst with day and time. It will provide a record of abuse. This is the advice I received from my great lawyer.

[g450]

I don't know why he's doing this, I thought he'd be jumping for joy over it. But it's been the exact opposite...

 

He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him, and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't.

 

What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then?

 

After all hes done for you? Like cheat on you and pregnate an OW? Wow. What a piece of work.

 

I have followed your other thread in the parenting section and I do have to say I am a bit confused. Just a few weeks ago you were telling us you would never leave him and he was the best man in the world. Now he is the worst. But then again I could have told you that when you were praising him.

 

At least now he can concentrate on his newborn Son and the OW.

And you can find somebody who is not a maniac.

 

When he hit you, did you file charges?

[UpwardForward]

I don't know why he's doing this, I thought he'd be jumping for joy over it. But it's been the exact opposite...

 

He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him, and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't.

 

What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then?

 

The way he's carrying on, I would think he and OW no longer have a R going -unless it's his pride or thought of future finances that's hurting.

 

IMO, just because people are telling you that he and OW are still having sex, that doesn't make it so.

 

I don't think anyone should divorce with the thought that they will find someone more loving and appreciative. But only to divorce because you feel the M is no longer reconcilable.

 

Do you expect the two of you will reside together after he is served D papers?

 

Do you have a plan for residence and support, because there's a big possibility that he will not leave.

[KathyM]

I don't know why he's doing this, I thought he'd be jumping for joy over it. But it's been the exact opposite...

 

He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him, and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't.

 

What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then?

He is upset because he wants to have it all--the marriage, his/your kids, the family money, AND he wants to have this OW in his life and the child they produced. He may or may not still be sleeping with her, but he sure as heck is still romantically involved with her if they are exchanging kisses and affection, and still having an emotional connection with each other right under your nose outside of your own house. Who knows what happens when he sees her at her place or elsewhere.

 

Don't allow him to intimidate you into letting him stay there. He sounds like a violent, controlling, abusive man in addition to being a cheater. He is trying scare tactics so you will be too afraid to leave. He is trying to make you afraid that he's the best you can do. Don't fall for this. My sister's first husband behaved in a similar way when he realized his wife was preparing to leave him. He told her she was fat and no man would ever want her. (She was normal weight and a beautiful woman). He told her she would never find anyone else. (She is now happily married to a wonderful man whom she loves very much). Don't allow this guy to intimidate you, or damage your self esteem any more than he already has. Keep telling yourself you deserve better, and then make a plan for how to remove him from your home. Consult with an attorney as a first thing, and I'm sure he will have some recommendations on how to handle this. You may want to get a restraining order against him after you get him out so that he doesn't bother you. You can handle this. Don't let him intimidate you.

[turnera]

I don't know why he's doing this

Shelly, we have been TELLING you why he's doing this - HE IS ABUSIVE.

 

Did you read the book we recommended? Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men? Start today. You need to be smarter and more educated than him.

 

He keeps telling me no one will ever be better than him, and can't believe I would leave him after all he's done for me and I must be the stupidest woman In the world if I think I'll get away this easy. I'll never be able to get rid of him or live without him. He'll make sure I don't.

 

What if everything he's saying is right? What do I do then?

You KNOW he's not right. If you'd read the book by now, you'd know that everything he spews out is straight abusespeak right out of the Abuse Handbook 101.

 

HE IS LOSING CONTROL AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

 

Did you pack the bag like I asked you to?

[Shelly72]

After all hes done for you? Like cheat on you and pregnate an OW? Wow. What a piece of work.

 

I have followed your other thread in the parenting section and I do have to say I am a bit confused. Just a few weeks ago you were telling us you would never leave him and he was the best man in the world. Now he is the worst. But then again I could have told you that when you were praising him.

 

At least now he can concentrate on his newborn Son and the OW.

And you can find somebody who is not a maniac.

 

When he hit you, did you file charges?

I opened my eyes to what he deserves, he's not happy being with me so I should let him go. I don't think he's the worst, but he has done a 180 since I told him.

 

No. I didn't press charges when he hit me, I was asking for it. I knew it would make us both look bad if anyone found out so we both decided to act like it never happened.

[darkmoon]

he is throwing tantrums; you may find his love tainted (like the torch song) but here is a man emoting, a vindication of sorts, i thought he'd be bland, as he threatens to be horrible it will look like a stock typical jealous silly reaction to anyone else you go out with, have a secret talk/s with a few lawyer some are worth hiring but some not tough enough specially when women are often required to be culturally subservient

 

but if you both renew your marriage vows, that's up to you too - you two still love each other

Edited July 8, 2012 by darkmoon

[turnera]

Excuse me? Darkmoon, did you bother to read her other thread first? The man has his mistress drop their child over at her house so SHE can babysit, while he plays smoochy face with his mistress - IN FRONT OF HER! And then tells her she's too sensitive and needs to get over it.

 

He's in love, all right - with himself.

[iambookworm]

I opened my eyes to what he deserves, he's not happy being with me so I should let him go. I don't think he's the worst, but he has done a 180 since I told him.

 

No. I didn't press charges when he hit me, I was asking for it. I knew it would make us both look bad if anyone found out so we both decided to act like it never happened.

 

NO ONE deserves to be hurt. I think you are still doing this for the wrong reason and still hasn't faced up to the fact that he is abusing you and hurting you and your family.

 

He IS happy because he has TWO women who gives him everything he wants. You, as the perfect housewife and someone who focuses on him and gives him everything he wants, and the OW as the one who gives him everything sexually but is not a good housewife as she focuses on her career and not him.

 

You had accepted it for a couple of years and he got used to having everything. Now, you are changing the equation. YOU are leaving him and like a boy who doesn't get his way, he is throwing tantrums.

 

He knows the OW won't give him the love and adoration that you do. She is only with him for the kid and the fun. If you leave him, she won't accept him in her life as he would expect the level of love and adoration that you give him.

 

In everything that has happened, have you sat your kids down and talked to them? THEY should be your priority, not your husband. You are first, and foremost, a mother. They need you at this point. Your husband is an adult, even if he is behaving as a kind.

 

But again, as some posters have said, what are your plans? Will you be able to provide for yourself and your kids? Do you have plans in place?

[darkmoon]

Excuse me? Darkmoon, did you bother to read her other thread first? The man has his mistress drop their child over at her house so SHE can babysit, while he plays smoochy face with his mistress - IN FRONT OF HER! And then tells her she's too sensitive and needs to get over it.

 

He's in love, all right - with himself.

 

yes, i've been following this entire entry, and on this new section shelley wrote this - "I really do love him more than anything" i also advised her about lawyers, but losing, or divorcing, somebody you love is painful, with no revocation, but really, it is just shelly who knows what she wants, we can only be her sounding boards

[turnera]

A mature person doesn't stay with someone who is toxic - especially to your kids - just because you love them. There has to be more.

[g450]

I opened my eyes to what he deserves, he's not happy being with me so I should let him go. I don't think he's the worst, but he has done a 180 since I told him.

 

No. I didn't press charges when he hit me, I was asking for it. I knew it would make us both look bad if anyone found out so we both decided to act like it never happened.

 

Im glad you now see what I saw in your other thread. Trust me, you were going nowhere fast.

 

And nobody ever "deserves" to be hit. You should have filed charges if for anything, to have a record of abuse come Divorce time.

[UpwardForward]

Im glad you now see what I saw in your other thread. Trust me, you were going nowhere fast.

 

And nobody ever "deserves" to be hit. You should have filed charges if for anything, to have a record of abuse come Divorce time.

 

Yes, but that was nearly 6 yrs ago.

 

Shelly, has he hit you since, or how many times has he hit you?

[pureinheart]

He is losing control of the situation. Get a recorder to tape all conversations. Write down every outburst with day and time. It will provide a record of abuse. This is the advice I received from my great lawyer.

 

Shelly, take this advice and DOCUMENT. You may need a restraining order:(

[Shelly72]

Yes, but that was nearly 6 yrs ago.

 

Shelly, has he hit you since, or how many times has he hit you?

 

That was the first and only time, he only backhanded me though. He didn't do anything else. I haven't thought much of it since then either.

[Shelly72]

My kids and I have talked about it both separately and collectively.

 

My 16 year old son is on my side and agrees that this is the best thing to do.

My daughter on the other hand is very upset with me. She has always been his little angel and she will usually follow his lead.

 

Another reason I'm afraid to leave is because I don't want to do this on my own. He's always been a great father to my children, he's loving and attentive. He takes care of them in ways I'm not going to live up to. I don't ever want to stand in the way of their relationship.

 

He's also been a father figure to my 20 year old brother who adores him as much as my kids do. I don't want to take that away from my brother, they're so close you would think he is our oldest son.

[amaysngrace]

I've been where you are right now and it's normal to be afraid of the unknown. But if what you have with him is making you unhappy then you owe it to yourself to face your fear and move past it.

 

You seem to be worrying about what is best for everyone but yourself but it's your life too. Your happiness counts as much as anybodys.

 

Please remember that.

[Radu]

My kids and I have talked about it both separately and collectively.

 

My 16 year old son is on my side and agrees that this is the best thing to do.

My daughter on the other hand is very upset with me. She has always been his little angel and she will usually follow his lead.

 

Another reason I'm afraid to leave is because I don't want to do this on my own. He's always been a great father to my children, he's loving and attentive. He takes care of them in ways I'm not going to live up to. I don't ever want to stand in the way of their relationship.

 

He's also been a father figure to my 20 year old brother who adores him as much as my kids do. I don't want to take that away from my brother, they're so close you would think he is our oldest son.

 

Sounds like your son is a smart young man and he will do good.

Your brother will probably side with you because blood is thicker than water.

 

Your daughter on the other hand is in a very dangerous position, do you want her to idolize your husban'd actions with the OW, or do you want to show her that there are repercusions for these kind of actions.

 

Your argument about protecting these relationships would be valid if truly t was in their best interest, but you will teach your son a bad lesson, your brother a bad lesson and you might screw up your daughter.

So much better to leave in the grand scheme of things.

 

You are doing the right thing, and he is one of the biggest pieces of trash i've ever read off.

[UpwardForward]

My kids and I have talked about it both separately and collectively.

 

My 16 year old son is on my side and agrees that this is the best thing to do.

My daughter on the other hand is very upset with me. She has always been his little angel and she will usually follow his lead.

 

Another reason I'm afraid to leave is because I don't want to do this on my own. He's always been a great father to my children, he's loving and attentive. He takes care of them in ways I'm not going to live up to. I don't ever want to stand in the way of their relationship.

 

He's also been a father figure to my 20 year old brother who adores him as much as my kids do. I don't want to take that away from my brother, they're so close you would think he is our oldest son.

 

IMO, this has nothing to do with your children or in your setting a precedent for them. He will always be their father.

 

It also has nothing to do with the OW - or who you 'think' he wants to be with.

 

It has to do only with your sanity, and what you perceive to be your life - as you wish it to be.

 

Divorce is a big step.

 

It would appear that with your husband's other son coming to visit and with the constant reminder of H's infidelity - the only way you seem to be able to have toleration or to cope - is that you are visualizing your self removed from the situation i.e. with divorce.

 

I am only guessing that the hurt has become so intolerable, therefore it is Your divorce - and no one else's

 

Your (almost grown) children, your brother, the OW are not the thought/consideration - It is between You and your husband.

 

If you decide to go ahead with this, you will have to make your own life for yourself esp financially, and make arrangements for your children that are amicable for your children and husband.

Edited July 8, 2012 by UpwardForward

[turnera]

Shelly, you can expect daughters to defend their dads to the end. Just what they do. But in the end, YOU are the adult, not her. You have to do what is best for the WHOLE family, not just her happiness. She won't even be living there in a few years, once she goes away to college. You can make this an amicable divorce where she gets to have plenty of time with her dad (but don't suggest she stay with him). Ask her brother and uncle to talk to her about what he is REALLY doing; she's old enough to understand how he is objectifying women and SHAMING you by forcing you to care for his bastard kid (no offense) and playing kissy face with his mistress in front of you. Please understand that at her age, she will almost always choose the dad; it's how girls grow up and break away from their moms, just like sons break away from their dads (often having arguments as the young man ages). Take her to a therapist and explain to the therapist why you need to do this for you. Explain the abuse he's put on you, in front of your daughter; let the therapist help her see the right path.

 

And remember that you can always get back together down the road if he ever gets his head out of his ass and realizes what he's done to you and makes up for it. He CAN learn. So far, he has had no REASON to.