chickenlegs Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Hello all, I've been browsing the forum for a few weeks now, and allow me to say that it has helped quite a bit with all of this. I'm very grateful to find this kind of community, full of honest and supportive people. I thought I would finally post a brief sketch of my situation for some feeback. Early May, my gf of 1.5 years decided to end the relationship. On saturday she said she wanted to marry me, and a few days later she wants out. When she first broke it off, she said she had decided there were things about me she couldn't handle in someone for the rest of her life, but as the talk progressed, she became very very hurt and mad for some of the things I had done in the past year and a half. These aren't things that would have obviously been hurtful, just things/interactions that she ascribed a motive to that didn't exist at all. hearing about all of these things was a tremendous shock, and I went from wanting some closure on the relationship to paralyzing regret. I told her the things that had been bothering her would have been changed/explained if she had brought them up. She said that didn't matter. When I asked why she was being unfair about these things, she said she didn't want to be fair to me, that being fair by giving me a chance to make things right wasn't what she wanted. A few days later I was feeling really down about it and tried to show herhow sorry I was about it all, and subsequently I acted stupidly/hastily by going to her house. She was at work, so i called her cell and told her I was there (note: we've been long distance for about 6 mos, so it was a four hour drive to see her). She didn't call and tell me to go home, instead she came home after work and got very upset with me, which is understandable, though I wouldn't have guessed she would become as upset as she did. So I was very patient with her and endured a lot of very hurtful things being said. All i wanted was a chance to take her out for a drink or two and just enjoy her company. I know I had become pretty complacent about things. I had been working about 50-60 hours a week at a physically demanding job, so was always tired when i talked or saw her, and the working kept me from doing anything interesting in my own right, so i really didn't have anything from my life to bring to a conversation anymore. Anyway, as reluctant and mad as she was, she agreed to come out with me. We had a very nice time at first, though it seemed like she was baiting me into getting upset at times. She said she could see that I really have begun to listen to her and internalize my own responsibility for the failing romance, though she still didn't want to give it another shot. We went out to another place and kept talking, but ultimately thigns went bad and we ended up fighting. I was upset that she kept talking about her future as if i was suddenly irrelevant, and so I shut up for a few moments. But then she asked what was on my mind, and I told her that what was bothering me but that I respected how she felt, wished things were different, that I was tired of trying so hard not to win her back but to show her things could be and are different and that I thought she was making basing her decision to get out on how stuck in my ways I had seemed. She started crying, and when I asked why she was crying, she said because she was hurting me, but then some of the things she said had no purpose at all except to inflict pain. Finally, i told her that to me it seemed like she had ended the relationship not because she didn't love me anymore or anything like that, but because there were things happening with me that really bothered her and didn't seem like they would ever change. She got very quiet and said "yes" kind of defeatedly. I reply "Well, then why don't you want to work things out?" She said to just give her some time. I agreed. She invited me to sleep on her couch rather than go to a hotel or drive all the way back home. I did, and thanked her for seeing me and all that, though thigns still didn't end up on a very nice note. I left at about 6 am the next morning, walked into her room before leaving and thanked her. She said she had a nice time befre things went bad. Nothign for two weeks, then I emailed her and asked what the status was. I asked if she was going to call "when she was ready" as she said she would when she broke up, or if she wasnt going to call or what. I really had no idea where things stood. Nothign for 4 days. So i text her asking if she is mad at me and that i really just wanted to know what was going on. Got an email that night saying she is not mad, saying she just wants to do her own thing for a bit. She says its not like she doesn't want to speak with me again, she just doesnt know when that will be. She also isn't sure how she feels about me yet. She asked me to give her the space and time she needs right now. I briefly emailed her back saying take as much time as she wants, and that I am sorry about how things worked out, and that I respect her decisions to make herself happy, whereever I might fit into her life. I also told her I have moved. That was in late may. Nothing from her or I since then. I don't know if i want her back or not, but i do know that this whole thing is driving me crazy. Shouldn't the whole thing with time and space come before the breakup?Why on earth should there be this complete and whole silence from her? I have no idea what she is up to; i stopped to talking to her friends, totally left her alone, etc. Any thoughts from anyone?
gobain Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I would think that, if she wanted to work things out with you, she would have contacted you by now. But it just may be that she isn't ready to do so yet. She sounds like she has a lot to work through. Either way, you have to let her do the contacting. Don't chase her - it'll only backfire. It sounds to me that when she ended the relationship, she wasn't being honest with herself - or you - about the reasons why she chose to do this. I think she may have trouble facing you because then she would have to face herself and her own reasons for breaking up. Don't get me wrong - I don't think she even understands what's going on inside herself yet, so she's explained it as best she can for now. Give things a little more time. If you don't hear from her, try to move on. If you must contact her, do it in a letter or email. This will give her time to think about what you say and to think about how she really feels before talking to you. This, of course, is only my opinion. I hope it helps.
Author chickenlegs Posted July 11, 2004 Author Posted July 11, 2004 Hello, Still nothing. We've been apart for just over two months, NC ineffect at her request since May 30. WTF. I'm starting to miss her more and more, and with each passing day I don't hear something from her, I get more and more miserable. It's not like I wake up thinking "todays the day", its just that time passes and I realize how long its been and it hits me full force that the woman I have loved more than anything has been able to drop me and do whatever it is she is doing right now. Nothing for 5 weeks now, going on 6. This was her idea. She wanted no contact. I can't even do anything from TSOG because there is absolutely no interaction at all. My best friend is getting married in two weeks, I am the best man, and I am going to the wedding alone, which is fine, but in a big way it is becoming less and less fine. I am going to miss my lover. It will be wonderful to see my friend marry because they are great together, but I am starting to think I will hate him for it, for doing this when I have been left behind. I know it doesn't make any sense but it feels like the other shoe dropping on my the two relationship I've made so important; first she goes, and completely goes, and now he is getting married and we never see each other anymore as it is. ****. Why in hell hasn't my ex gf called me? She hasn't made any contact AT ALL. NONE. Until the day she broke it off we spoke everyday onthe phone, saw eah other wehenver we could. The more I move on and the more I restore myself the more I miss her and am filled with regret. THe more action I see sexually from other women the more I hate myself for being with someone else, for manipulating a person into bed with me when I know full well how in love with my ex I am. I vacillate between wanting her back so badly and wanting her to be happy without me and just anger for seemingly been forgotten wholly and without hesitation. I have made so many mistakes and this was the last person who I would have chosen to have loved and lost. I've been in love before and this was so much better, even though the most significant previous relationship ended at first much more compassionately and courteously until I slept with someone else, and then she ****in flipped out. Which brings me to another thing. THe only girl I hav ereally loved before this was a beautiful, sweet girl and it just didn't work out, even though she really wanted it to. I was really depressed at the time and I wasn't able to give her what she wanted, and I made her miserable so I broke it off, and she was fine. Hurt, obviously, but fine, and civil and tender with me, even as she marked her boundaries. She gave me so many chances to improve myself and come back to the relationship and I couldn't get it, I couldn't get that the relationship didn't work because of myself and so I just started moving on and ended up sleeping with someone else. My ex was very upset with me, and I ddin't know she was still in love me. So i ended up hurting two women in that one brief evening. And I felt so sorry about I counld hear my ex saying stop it, stop talking to me and jus tleave me a lone. I couldn't understand all and eventually she had to have a mustual friend tell me she doesn't want me in her life and that there is no reason to talk to each other ever again. So that was it. I haven't seen her for more than five years now. And the weird part is that for some reason, after themost recent rleatioship I have the weird urge to drop her a line, saying only that I have heard how well she is doing and that I am very proud of her, proud to have known her and sorry things turned out so badly. I honestly am not trying to rekindle or anything like that. THere is just an overwhelming desire to say something nice to her. I had not idea she was giving as much as she was. I took me five years. Any ideas.
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