Whissper Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I met a guy a few months ago. We worked for different companies but our work brought us into contact on a regular basis. We started talking a lot both at and away from work. He ended up getting another job a long way from here but we kept in touch almost everyday via FB and phone. I developed pretty strong feelings for him and then found out he was in love with someone else. Though I had only gone so far as telling him that I had become somewhat obsessed, I got pretty upset that he hadn't mentioned this other person at that point and we had a long and not altogether pretty conversation about it. We decided we would try to remain friends. For a few days everything seemed alright; we would chit chat lightheartedly and laugh a lot. Then for a couple of days he stopped replying to me at all. I sent him a message that I would try to leave him alone until and unless I heard from him...that time he replied almost right away...telling me that he was sorry, he had to fix things and that he was a mess, but it was late and he had to go to bed. I said okay and goodnight. For a couple days we were back to him not responding to me anymore. I only messaged to ask how he was doing, I didn't badger and never left and long drawn out pleas or accusations, just "how are you doing" a couple times...no answer. I left it alone for about a week, pulled myself together the best I could and then asked him to at least let me know that he's alright and give me a little closure. Still nothing. I don't know how to move on now...I feel like the door is wide open and I can't close it by myself, because there is that little part of the back of my brain that keeps saying things like "maybe he just needs time" or even "maybe he's been injured and in the hospital or dead even". I know it's most likely that he just chickened out on the goodbye thing, but I can't seem to move past this without knowing...and he just won't answer me, not even to tell me to get lost. I won't pester him constantly or make a scene or get all psycho, so I have left it alone...not sent any messages for a week and keep telling myself to just let it go. But...I keep FB open at all times and my phone near me almost always, just in case he wants to contact me, you know, when he get's out of the hospital or whatever lol. So, my question is...how the heck do I move on when he just dissapeared without explanation or goodbye? I'm having a real hard time with this one.
StarlaStardust Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Happened to me. That's why I'm here on this forum. You just move on. It takes time (sometimes a lot). Guys who do that can't "deal" with facing uncomfortable situations. Guys like that make lousy fathers and husbands. Consider yourself lucky. Stop sitting by the phone. We're children of the modern era -- you'll check it every few hours anyway, so there's no need to be all obsessed and staring at it, haha. What are you doing to cope?
StarlaStardust Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 And, Whissper, I'm sorry you're going through this:( I know how bad it sucks, and you don't deserve it. All you can do now is "accept" it and take really good care of you.
Author Whissper Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Thanks Starla, for the most part I know I have to just move on and let go...it's just so hard when I don't really know what the heck happened. You're right about the phone lol . Right now I do have one real good friend to turn to. The problem is that he has said he loves me and while I respect him an awful lot, I don't love him. Talking to him about someone else breaking my heart feels so wrong, though I have when it got to be to much with this one. We've been close a lot of years and I was just on the verge of setting down tentative plans to try to make a partnership of it, hoping that I might come to love him as well as respect him...and then this other guy shows up and for the first time in more years than I care to count I let my guard down and I fell...hard and fast lol. Now when I talk to my friend I feel miserable about it, like I'm a horrible person...and that old Meatloaf song "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" plays in my head every time lol. He's a real great guy and I don't want to treat him like that...so I came here.
StarlaStardust Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Good for you, girl. I don't believe turning to another man who has feelings for us when a guy has broken our heart is a healthy way of moving on. I say this from experience. Here's a steaming platter of unsolicited advice: Depending on how old you are, I might actually recommend casually dating as many guys as possible for a while. Deciding to settle with a guy who is great but that you're not "into" and then changing your mind when you meet someone you feel real chemistry with (but who clearly sucks since he left you feeling this way), indicates a lack of options/putting yourself out there. I think if you are interested in a "go" with your guy friend, he needs to court you like any other date would, so that you can see him with fresh eyes, while also seeing how it feels to take it slow and get to know a few other guys. Will it change your friendship forever? Probably=/. But as long as he is in love with you, it's bound to change one way or another eventually, good or bad. And stop listening to Meatloaf. JK. I'm glad you have found this forum. If you have no friends to talk to, and this forum doesn't feel like enough, there's no shame in finding a counselor/therapist to talk to. Also sit down and seriously brainstorm ways of coping that involve hobbies, physical fitness, studies, self-improvement, whatever interests you (preferably a little of each!).
Author Whissper Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 All that...yep. Mostly what I have figured. 35 w/two teenage kids btw...so dating is soooo hard for me. And yes, I have told mr. great guy that I really think falling for someone like I did indicates a problem and that I need to get out and check things out. At the time I had firmly decided that after trying a few times, "love" and "chemistry" just weren't important. This situation has almost moved me from deciding that it's not only "not important" but a really bad idea...but, not quite I guess. For the time I'm just making sure I like myself and how I look and behave whenever I'm out; and digging being flirted with and flirting right back! This place is great. I imagine I'll be around whenever the urge to text/pm mr. Houdini get's to be too much.
StarlaStardust Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Ain't it something that a grown-@ss man can houdini like that? Hang in there; we're here for you!
Author Whissper Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Thanks Starla, you've been great. Weekends and evenings are so rough. I just don't understand how someone can ignore a simple request to let me know that he's still alive and just doesn't want anything to do with me...how hard is that? I even told him I wouldn't reply if he'd just let me know he's alive and well and say goodbye to me. Grrr.
Author Whissper Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Especially difficult when the very last thing he said to me was that he was a mess and needed to fix things...just two days before he was calling me sweetie and joking around with me.
StarlaStardust Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Girl, the last thing my guy said to me was "I'll be ready to talk to you tomorrow." POOF. He's a magician! (((((((((((((((((Whissper)))))))))))))))))) <---- that's a hug
Author Whissper Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Now that is rough...to actually give you hope and then nothing...grrr... *hugs back* I keep trying to be angry, but it keeps going away lol.
Moonchie Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I saw both of your men. They were two drunks together lying in the street. I spat on both of them, kicked them, and walked away. They asked why I did that to them. I told them because they were bastards, freaks, whinny azzed bitches, and losers. I took care of them for both of you. 1
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