BetrayedH Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 This morning after my husband left for work I went through his phone statements for the last 3 years. And there it was evidence he has been seeing her for most of our relationship on a weekly basis. He has been cheating on me 3/4 of the time we were together with at least one woman. There are other numbers that I still have to look into but her calls/texts are by far more than anyone else on the bills even his best friend and even mine. Now I don't know what to do. A few family and friends are coming over to help me sort through the mess. This is so embarrassing and hurtful on many levels. I'm just devastated. I'm sorry you find yourself here. You have a lot of company. I recommend you keep gathering evidence very quietly. You'll be tempted to confront him. Use your head, not your emotions right now. Check financials. Talk to an attorney and find out your rights. Get yourself into counseling. This can do horrible damage but you will recover. 2
96nole Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 This morning after my husband left for work I went through his phone statements for the last 3 years. And there it was evidence he has been seeing her for most of our relationship on a weekly basis. He has been cheating on me 3/4 of the time we were together with at least one woman. There are other numbers that I still have to look into but her calls/texts are by far more than anyone else on the bills even his best friend and even mine. Now I don't know what to do. A few family and friends are coming over to help me sort through the mess. This is so embarrassing and hurtful on many levels. I'm just devastated. Please don't be embarrassed. It's nothing you did or didn't do. This is all on him. It is definitely hurtful and devastating. But be glad you're finding out now before you waste anymore time with him. This man is not going to change. 4
Author makingsense Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Thanks for that. i'm no longer ashamed since it's he who should be. just very angry i allowed him into my home and near my son. yesterday i packed all his belongings and left them by the door for when he got home from work with a copy of the printouts. needless to say he denied everything. and said there was no proof he's been cheating since we got married because he hasn't. and he volunteered his phone so i could check it. i didn't but told him to leave... we need a break to think about things. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Thanks for that. i'm no longer ashamed since it's he who should be. just very angry i allowed him into my home and near my son. yesterday i packed all his belongings and left them by the door for when he got home from work with a copy of the printouts. needless to say he denied everything. and said there was no proof he's been cheating since we got married because he hasn't. and he volunteered his phone so i could check it. i didn't but told him to leave... we need a break to think about things. Sounds like he has been lying to you for quite some time. I would consider if THAT is the dealbreaker for you, not whether you can prove that's he's been faithful during the marriage. I he can still lie straight to your face, how will you be able to trust him (for life)? Good luck as you try to determine your next steps. I think it was wise to separate as a wake-up call for him and so that you can clear your mind without him being in your face all the time.
eeyore1981 Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Sounds like he has been lying to you for quite some time. I would consider if THAT is the dealbreaker for you, not whether you can prove that's he's been faithful during the marriage. I he can still lie straight to your face, how will you be able to trust him (for life)? Good luck as you try to determine your next steps. I think it was wise to separate as a wake-up call for him and so that you can clear your mind without him being in your face all the time. Yeah, this. I'm very proud, OP, that you refused to engage in his little "this isn't what it looks like, doesn't prove anything" mind trap. Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back, because a lot of us, including myself, end up getting dragged into this BS.
Author makingsense Posted July 11, 2012 Author Posted July 11, 2012 Yeah I don't know if I can fully trust him. And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life looking through his calls, texts, emails, etc. it's exhausting and I'd like to spend my time more positively. He hasn't stopped calling and texting. He's so hot and cold. Once apologizing and the next telling me I'm overreacting... is that gaslighting? I turned my phone off. He'll probably show up after work... should've asked for the keys
Furious Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 Yeah I don't know if I can fully trust him. And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life looking through his calls, texts, emails, etc. it's exhausting and I'd like to spend my time more positively. He hasn't stopped calling and texting. He's so hot and cold. Once apologizing and the next telling me I'm overreacting... is that gaslighting? I turned my phone off. He'll probably show up after work... should've asked for the keys Wow...high five on kicking him out. You're a smart woman and it's good you're asking yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life checking up on him and second guessing everything he says or does. It looks like he is using his usual tactic of constant calling and texting and begging, thinking if it worked before, you'll give in again. You have a wonderful son, don't let him grow up watching his mom being treated bad and seeing her unhappy. keep strong 1
96nole Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Yeah I don't know if I can fully trust him. And I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life looking through his calls, texts, emails, etc. it's exhausting and I'd like to spend my time more positively. He hasn't stopped calling and texting. He's so hot and cold. Once apologizing and the next telling me I'm overreacting... is that gaslighting? I turned my phone off. He'll probably show up after work... should've asked for the keys Constantly checking their calls, texts, emails, facebook, etc IS exhausting. I did it for the 10 months between d-day 1 and d-day 2. I remember the day before d-day 2 my gut was telling me something wasn't right. As I was scouring through her facebook, since it was a way they communicated before d-day 1, I remember asking myself if this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I didn't find anything on her facebook. But it turns out my gut was right. She wasn't at her night class that night. She was at the beach with her dirtbag. They weren't using facebook or her cell phone to communicate. He would go see her at the bank she worked or they would talk using the banks phone. Getting a divorce has not been easy. It's was not easy giving up the life I had. It's wasn't easy giving up the house I had worked so hard to get. A house I did a lot of improvements to myself. But I wouldn't be able to afford it myself and there were too many memories of us in it. It's not easy starting over. Some days are good. Some days can still be a bit of a struggle. But I can not, and will not, live the rest of my life having to look over my shoulder or constantly checking up on a spouse I can't trust. That was just too damn tiring!!! 1
eeyore1981 Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Constantly checking their calls, texts, emails, facebook, etc IS exhausting. I did it for the 10 months between d-day 1 and d-day 2. I remember the day before d-day 2 my gut was telling me something wasn't right. As I was scouring through her facebook, since it was a way they communicated before d-day 1, I remember asking myself if this was how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I didn't find anything on her facebook. But it turns out my gut was right. She wasn't at her night class that night. She was at the beach with her dirtbag. They weren't using facebook or her cell phone to communicate. He would go see her at the bank she worked or they would talk using the banks phone. Getting a divorce has not been easy. It's was not easy giving up the life I had. It's wasn't easy giving up the house I had worked so hard to get. A house I did a lot of improvements to myself. But I wouldn't be able to afford it myself and there were too many memories of us in it. It's not easy starting over. Some days are good. Some days can still be a bit of a struggle. But I can not, and will not, live the rest of my life having to look over my shoulder or constantly checking up on a spouse I can't trust. That was just too damn tiring!!! And what makes it even BETTER is when they act like they're doing you a favor letting you do this. SNORT!!!! I know this is what I always needed to make my life complete, going through phone records, phones, computers, searching for this, that, and something else... Silly me, I thought what I wanted out of my marriage was love, honesty, trust and committment, but really, it was this all along.:sick::sick:
YellowShark Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 You? Overreacting? OMFG... You married a leech and a con artist who is also a serial cheater and liar. He's turned your life upside-down and you're only 4 months into this emotional blender. RUN. He is a scumball.
Author makingsense Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 We had a couple of long talks since. It's always the same answer: oh baby let it go. i love you. i chose you. she's gone... I even called her but she has private calls blocked. He dodges my main questions: what was the extent of their relationship? if she came back would he ignore her or start things over again? And mostly: is there even the slightest possibility he married me to get a response out of her?
BetrayedH Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 We had a couple of long talks since. It's always the same answer: oh baby let it go. i love you. i chose you. she's gone... I even called her but she has private calls blocked. He dodges my main questions: what was the extent of their relationship? if she came back would he ignore her or start things over again? And mostly: is there even the slightest possibility he married me to get a response out of her? Dodging questions and asking you to get over it are two huge indicators that he doesn't get it. Absolutely predictable and it does nothing for you to heal. He needs to be moving in the exact opposite direction...PROACTIVELY sharing his worst is what builds trust. Avoiding it "to protect you" does nothing. He needs to be not just willingly but actionably doing anything he can to rectify this. He probably won't get it until he has divorce papers in front of him. So freakin' typical. ETA: The fact that he is gaslighting you into thinking you don't know what you know is also typical. Freakin' lying, cheating, minimizing, gaslighting idiots if you ask me.
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