makingsense Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 My husband has told me the affair is over and that it never meant anything. However, this past week has been hard for me with suspicions not that he is still in the affair but that he lied to me about the extent of what happened. Two years ago I discovered he was cheating on me. This was a little more than a year into our relationship, we were involved then but not married yet. When I went through his Facebook account on his iPhone and found sexual conversations between him and another woman (not the ex). I then went through all his email and didn't find further indiscretions not even with the ex, although at that point there were 100's of texts between them that I would later find out about. He hid her well. Anyway, he said it was just online flirting. I believed him. Fast forward last summer. I found Facebook messages between him and yet another woman as well as yahoo messages, emails, texts, with him trying to talk his ex into seeing him. I won't get into the details of them but some were coercing, others sexual, some friendly. When I confronted him yet again he told me she's married! And not to keep looking for clues since there's nothing there. And I bought into it again except this time emailed her on Facebook, at this point they were no longer Facebook friends but were still emailing one another. I sent her a polite message telling her that this man is my boyfriend and I would like answers as to the extent of their relationship. She didn't reply. A week later I tried again. She never responded. This past Fall I looked through his phone again, I know sounds obsessive but I want to know I can trust him, and found that he tried to chat with her and she wasn't responding. She did email him weeks after asking how he was. The email was pretty straightforward but I figured out he told her he had been sick recently yet she didn't respond until a month later maybe. Another lie since he told me he hasn't been in contact with her since the summer. I sent her another not so nice email telling her to back off. He told me she called him and she also replied to us both basically telling us to stay out of her life. After this incident I broke it off. I have a 6 year old son, make a modest living and own my own home. He seems to a good man, has worked at the same company for 15 years and his longest dating relationship was 7 years. Well after breaking it off he wouldn't leave me alone. For weeks he was bombarding me with calls, texts, asking for another chance, and that I was "over-thinking" things. There was another incident while we were trying to work things out in which he told me she was having her friends contact him but not to worry about it and that he took care of it. We got engaged around Christmas and married this last Spring. My problem is this... he told me she was the one pursuing him, she's attractive, very successful, married to a very wealthy man and it's not like she's going to leave. He said he was not interested in her and only wanted to be friends with her but accidentally ended up having sex, basically that she is the one harassing him. I BELIEVED HIM BACK THEN. Now I'm wondering why then does she have him, me and everyone related to us blocked on Facebook and why has she not tried to contact him or me after finding out we got married? Could all this be a lie? I don't know how to go about getting answers since he may be lying to me and I have no proof he cheated with anyone besides his ex. Thank you for reading. I would appreciate any advice/opinions.
amaysngrace Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Maybe she realized he wasn't worth the drama or her being exposed by her own husband? You have two choices here...either accept him and trust him again or leave him if you aren't able to.
SomedayDig Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Accidentally had sex? Good grief. Can't they come up with better excuses? Seriously though, you need him to somehow understand how much this lying hurts. Minimizing certainly doesn't help gain your trust back either. What do YOU want?
BetrayedH Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Based on my experience, he's still lying and that's the dealbreaker. I love the whole "accident" explanation. She slipped, tripped, and fell on his d!ck. the fact is that there were a lot of stop signs he ran thru and a lot of conscious, calculated decisions to make it all happen. It was deliberate and making it out to be anything else is an insult. Have you spoken to the other betrayed spouse? If not, this is your next step. He deserves to know and you deserve the truth. Your H has proven time and again that he is a liar so you can't trust a thing he says. Sounds like the affair never ended if you ask me. She's ignoring you in hopes that you'll go away and your H is telling her that he will handle you. You're being managed and played for a fool. Some couples do reconcile after infidelity. This is not what it looks like. I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sucks. But there are sympathetic ears here and many of us have been there and done that. Get some counsel and make your decisions with your head, not your emotions. Good luck.
alexandria35 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 He accidentally had sex with her. He accidentally had sex with her. He accidentally had sex with her. Sorry, I'm just thinking that if I say that enough times it will stop sounding like the STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! Sorry to tell you that you have married a cheater and a manipulator. He will not change and his lies, twisted stories, and cheating will destroy you. I think you should divorce him or since the marriage hasn't been too long and he was cheating on you before you got married, perhaps you can get an annullment. 1
Jgsangels13 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 I'm sorry that you are going though all of this!! I was in a similar situation with an Ex with the phone text and emails. I found a naked picture of a girl on his phone and he quickly made me think I was crazy for not trusting him or being suspect. I stayed and later found 100s more pictures, emails and texts. He also slept with someone else. I can't tell you whether to leave or stay but what I can tell you is for every text or email you found or have seen there are 10 others. If he has no respect for you not only to pursue other women behind your back but to actually sleep with them... he has no respect for you or your relationship and will NEVER stop acting like this. Once a cheater always a cheater!!
GLDheart Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Your husband is shallow. I mean his feelings literally just don't go very deep. He is also under the mistaken belief that conning girls into bed makes him more of a man. I think you should feel sorry for him. He is a truly broken human being. Staying with him is your choice but I'd say he has shown you his true colors.
Furious Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 The truth about your husband is staring you in the face. He has shown you he is liar, he has shown you he is a cunning fraud. Don't listen to his words but only his actions....his actions are the truth and his words are the lies. You only have one life, don't waste it on him. Have the courage to love yourself, because he does not love or respect you. 1
HHC Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 What made you take him back? What made you think marrying this man was a good idea? You didn't go into much detail of how you went from broken up to married. 1
Author makingsense Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 (edited) Maybe she realized he wasn't worth the drama or her being exposed by her own husband? He has told me she's the one pursuing him. So you think she left him? This makes me angry because it doesn't sound like I was choice but perhaps the leftovers? I'm so sorry that you are now married to this man because he has not ever been faithful to you and he won't ever be. He is bad news hon, really bad. Please google serial cheaters and read the stories of women who stay with men like this, you don't want to be that woman and waste years of your life. Your husband has lied and is still lying, as for the ow, she has done what is called no contact. He is doing to you what is called gaslighting, trying to make you think that you are crazy for doubting him. Chances are she didn't know that he was with you because he lied to her too and now that she knows he cut off all contact with him and you. She wants to put it behind her. Inform yourself about men like him, don't doubt your intuition and please hurry up and get to a place where you can let him go and not waste your precious love or life with this man. If you stay with a man like this, he will do untold damage to you. Don't let that happen. You deserve better than a man who lies and cheats and can't keep it in his pants. He is sick and you can't fix him. He tells me he loves me and this was a one time thing. We've been living together a few months now and I don't see any strange behavior from him. He only stays out late once a month. I never thought about whether he lied to her or not. Why would a married woman care if he's seeing someone or not? And why wouldn't he tell her if they were "just friends"... unless he was planning on more with her. What do YOU want? I'd like to stay married to him and be able to trust him. the fact is that there were a lot of stop signs he ran thru and a lot of conscious, calculated decisions to make it all happen. Have you spoken to the other betrayed spouse? .. Sounds like the affair never ended if you ask me. ... You're being managed and played for a fool. Some couples do reconcile after infidelity. This is not what it looks like. he tells me it wasn't planned and that he stopped speaking to her after it happened but she continued to pursue him. I've thought about contacting her husband but what if he already knows, or doesn't care. Judging from her pics online she seems to not have much boundaries when it comes to men or anything. My husband is hardly a social butterfly so would her husband even believe me? We don't even know her husband's name let alone how to contact him. That's what my husband has said but now that I think about it how could he not have known his name since they were friends on facebook. I'm trying to get past this so we can move forward. Just her silence frightens me, if what my husband has said is true that she wouldn't leave him alone. Sorry, I'm just thinking that if I say that enough times it will stop sounding like the STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! Sorry to tell you that you have married a cheater and a manipulator. So you think he planned this? what bothers me is why he looked for her in the first place. They weren't on speaking terms until recently. Not to mention we were dating exclusively. What's done is done. I'd like to at least try to make it work. If he has no respect for you not only to pursue other women behind your back but to actually sleep with them... he has no respect for you or your relationship and will NEVER stop acting like this. Once a cheater always a cheater!! He was kind of a play boy before we met and seems to have tamed down. Now I wonder if I'm being delusional. Your husband is shallow. I mean his feelings literally just don't go very deep. He is also under the mistaken belief that conning girls into bed makes him more of a man. I think you should feel sorry for him. He is a truly broken human being. Staying with him is your choice but I'd say he has shown you his true colors. I have no proof of this. And it would break my heart to think I'm not enough for him. The truth about your husband is staring you in the face. He has shown you he is liar, he has shown you he is a cunning fraud. Don't listen to his words but only his actions....his actions are the truth and his words are the lies. But does one mistake make him a bad person? He makes me believe he loves me and my son. What made you take him back? What made you think marrying this man was a good idea? You didn't go into much detail of how you went from broken up to married. He was very persuasive. And he said the only reason he didn't ask to marry me before and thought he couldn't have a future with me is because he didn't think he made a good enough living to take care of me and my son. Edited July 8, 2012 by makingsense
alexandria35 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Makingsense, come on girl. You know he is yanking your chain. He is lying to you and your gut knows this but your head doesn't want to believe it. But does one mistake make him a bad person? He makes me believe he loves me and my son. One Mistake??!! Read your first post again. I've read it a few times and what from what I see there was more than one woman he was pursuing. There were at least 2 or possibly 3? Anyways you know that what he is telling you is not matching up with what you see and observe. He tells you that she is chasing him but you saw the chat logs where he was going after her and she was ignoring him. She told you both to get lost and is now blocking you and him from communication but he insists that it's her pursuing him. And what difference does it make who pursued who? Why do married men always fall back on the old "but she came after me" line and why do wives accept that as some kind of excuse. If your husband is helpless to say no to unwanted advance from other females then I guess you best get ready for a whole lot of cheatin. Have you ever accidentally had sex with someone? Have you ever gone to visit someone and then found yourself going "oops, well would you look at that! I came over to borrow a cup of sugar and I accidentally had sex with you instead. Silly me, my bad..giggle giggle" There is NO SUCH THING as accidental sex, even drunken sex isn't an accident. Regardless of who chased who and how many times he slept with her and if it was an "accident", he lies and lies about everything. He accepts no responsibility for his own behavior, just blames everything on her and lies about it. This man is going to bring you a lot of pain and while I'm not a big advocate of divorce I do think you should consider getting the hell away from him before he does real damage to you. I still think you should see about an annullment. 1
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I don't want to give up on us so fast especially since I have no concrete evidence, although what you're saying makes perfect sense. When I accepted him back it was us starting over. Granted I didn't give it enough time to see if he truly changed. We got married in his favorite restaurant and he moved in immediately Would a cheater really move in that fast if he wanted to continue cheating. Yesterday I got him to confess and he admitted that he didn't tell her he was seeing anyone. I wanted to know if she even asked and he said yes. He lied to her about me. why? Should I go through his phone bills? They usually have the previoous 12 months online. I'd have to call the phone company to reset his password. Is that awful thing to do or am I justified?
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 So I called the phone tech people and got the password reset. There doesn't show any contact with her until one in November, several in October, September and August. Then BAM 283 texts in July alone to her number and 6 phone calls every single time he initiated! That's the last bill. Do I confront him? He'll know I hacked his account and I already have my proof that he's no longer in contact with her?
freestyle Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 You would be much smarter to play possum for awhile. Wait until you have your ducks in a row before you confront him. Meaning--get your finances separated from his, talk to a lawyer, and be prepared for the worst (or best , depending on how you want to look at it) case scenario. Also, depending on the laws where you live---collect hard evidence on his infidelity, and make copies to store in a safe place. This isn't about being vindictive, it's about protecting your own assets. If it does come down to divorce, do you expect your H to be honorable, and show integrity? 1
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Freestyle, he moved into my home and I pay the mortgage. I'm living on a teacher's salary and pay most bills since he's helping his brother get through college. Even if I were to divorce, I doubt a judge would give him a share of the house? We live very modestly.
Furious Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Freestyle, he moved into my home and I pay the mortgage. I'm living on a teacher's salary and pay most bills since he's helping his brother get through college. Even if I were to divorce, I doubt a judge would give him a share of the house? We live very modestly. He lies to you, he cheats on you, he lives in your house, you pay most of the bills. No wonder he begged you to take him back.
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 He lies to you, he cheats on you, he lives in your house, you pay most of the bills. No wonder he begged you to take him back. That was very mean.
alexandria35 Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Makingsense, that post wasn't mean, it was the cold facts. Some of your questions are naive. Why did he move in with you so fast? Because you pay most of the bills and make his life easier. Why did he lie and tell the OW he wasn't seeing anyone? Because he wanted to have sex with her and telling her about you wasn't going to help him do that. Start protecting yourself. Find out what you have to do to end this marriage as cleanly as possible. How long have you been married? I don't think he will be entitled to anything of yours if you have been married a very short time and he has been cheating. 1
Furious Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 That was very mean. I'm sorry...that was not my intention. He just sounds like he is using you, and taking advantage of you. I just was blunt, because you seem to be really struggling with wanting to believe him, and at the same time, you are questing if he is sincere. It's really hard to seperate the facts and how your heart feels. You sound like a very kind and trusting person, and this is taking a lot out of you. It just seems he is really taking advantage of you. You deserve better. 2
96nole Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 That was very mean. What Furious said was also very true.
96nole Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 When I accepted him back it was us starting over. Granted I didn't give it enough time to see if he truly changed. We got married in his favorite restaurant and he moved in immediately Would a cheater really move in that fast if he wanted to continue cheating. Yesterday I got him to confess and he admitted that he didn't tell her he was seeing anyone. I wanted to know if she even asked and he said yes. He lied to her about me. why? Yes!!! It gives him the best of both worlds. A wife and home. Then also a piece of ass on the side. AKA: a cake eater. Why did he lie? So he could keep her on the side. She asked if he was seeing someone else. He said no. She thinks "great, he's available". Now he is lying to both of you. That's a lot of lies going on.
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 I get that he lied. He made a mistake which he was very sorry for. Maybe just maybe she dumped him or found out he was involved with me... or whatever she doesn't seem like the epitome of morality to me.. and that pushed him to not want to lose me as well. But why me then? Why would he want to marry me out of millions of other women? Not one of you thinks he saw that he could lose me and what we have and has changed his ways?
Author makingsense Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 We've been married almost 4 months and as far as I know he hasn't strayed.
96nole Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I get that he lied. He made a mistake which he was very sorry for. Maybe just maybe she dumped him or found out he was involved with me... or whatever she doesn't seem like the epitome of morality to me.. and that pushed him to not want to lose me as well. But why me then? Why would he want to marry me out of millions of other women? Not one of you thinks he saw that he could lose me and what we have and has changed his ways? I sincerely hope he did change his ways. But there is a reason so many of us are also here on this board. I hoped my now ex wife would have changed her ways after her first time cheating. I hoped she truly did think or know she would lose me if she did it again. But she did cheat again with the same loser. Today is exactly 5 months since I kicked my ex out of the house for the second, and last, time for cheating on me. Unfortunately, she did not change her ways. I know what some of us have said to you may sound mean or cold. But we've been were you are. We don't say it to be mean to you. Nor are we trying to be mean. It's just sometimes the cold hard truth is very mean sounding. There are examples on this board of spouses that cheated until they confessed or got caught, and never cheated again. Then there are examples like myself where the spouse cheated, acted remorseful, but cheated again. I hope for your sake that he never cheats again. I hope you have a very happy and fulfilling marriage that lasts until death parts you. But that doesn't mean you can't prepare yourself if he wanders again. 1
Author makingsense Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 This morning after my husband left for work I went through his phone statements for the last 3 years. And there it was evidence he has been seeing her for most of our relationship on a weekly basis. He has been cheating on me 3/4 of the time we were together with at least one woman. There are other numbers that I still have to look into but her calls/texts are by far more than anyone else on the bills even his best friend and even mine. Now I don't know what to do. A few family and friends are coming over to help me sort through the mess. This is so embarrassing and hurtful on many levels. I'm just devastated.
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