lnichols Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 On Friday, my husband got a call from his ex-wife saying that she suspects that their son was giving her problems. She said she thought he was depressed, that she thought he was using drugs, he wont come out of his room... She said that her therapist had told her that the son did not know his place in her life because of her boyfriend. That the son feels intimidated, blah, blah... Anyway, she was looking for advice, I guess, because I only got the Hub's end of the conversation. So my husband says that his son can move in with us. Gee! I said, it would have been really great if you had told your ex that you need to talk this over with your wife! Here is the thing. I can understand my husband's feelings about his son. And I think that it is natural for my husband to want to fix things. My feelings are as follows: I got mad mainly because 1) He didn't even think about talking this over with me; 2) My two sons (9 and 16) are living with us and if step son is using drugs, I don't want them exposed to that; 3) Step son is going to be a senior in high school this year,and I doubt he would want to live with us anyway, having to change schools and move about 400 miles away. And by golly, I'm mad at the ex-wife. As a mother, no matter what my kids did, I would never just send them packing to my ex-husband. They live with me, I've raised them basically by myself for the past 6 years, and I would feel like the one to take responsibility for them. My feeling is that if her boyfriend is the root of the problem, then break up with the jerk! And if step-son is causing problems between his mother and her boyfriend, what makes me believe that he won't try to break up our marriage if he comes to live with us? My husband has 2 kids. The first born was perfect, good grades, school activities, talented, went to an Ivy League school. His son has quit his school activities, and in my opinion, has stood in the shadow if his sister all his life. He has never been afforded the chances his sister had. And now that his mother has realized that he's not perfect like his sister, she can't, and does not want to, handle it. But they are two different individuals!! He may or may not be screwed up, but his mother is not the only one that needs to be on therapy. Why not the whole group? Mom, son and boyfriend? My thing is that if he is screwed up, then she should deal with him for another year and then if he wants to move here after he finishes high school, then that's great. To be fair, his mother has basically raised him alone. My husband has been involved in making decisions... but he is not physically there. He sees his son about 3 times a year. I think that this is a knee-jerk reaction that is based on his love for his son and guilt over not being there. I think that everyone (including me) should back off and take an objective look at this with the son's interests in mind. We didn't talk about it for the rest of the weekend. I think that once the hub gets back to work (in OK), that he'll talk to his dad, and HE will end up making the decisions, once again, without my input, and I'll end up looking like the bad guy. I don't know how I should feel about this. Am I out of line? It does involve me and it will make a big impact on the life of my kids,and on everyone! Should I cave or stick to my guns?
soapoperahaven Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 i think you are overreacting it is his son. yes you should have a say but i think that you should be able to help out with his son on getting him help. it should have been discussed first but you have to think of the child and not your own problems with it obviously if it doesnt work out or it hurts your kidsin any way then it will have to be changed but i still think you need to give it a shot let him try and help his child
Author lnichols Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 I guess I'm still so hurt that my husband would even think of something like this without involving me in any way. And I'm letting my personal feelings get in the way of things. How can his mother even think of sending her own son away? It would tear me apart to even consider it. And how must that make her son feel? Like going to live with us is punishment? (If you don't straighten out, you'll have to go live with your dad!) I just think that this whole thing should be very carefully considered by ALL parties invloved, and NOT by parties that won't be involved, (read: Father-In-Law). I can learn to love him like I love my own kids, but I want to make sure that this is not done in haste and for the wrong reasons. It needs to be in the son's best interest and not to make his father feel better, or to free up his mother to live ehr life. I would like to hear from anyone who had a similar experience, from any angle of this issue.
soapoperahaven Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 maybe she knows there is nothing she can do and maybe she feels really horrible but isnt it better to have him be with his father then to be out on his own. if i were in the same situation i would do the same it may be benificial to the child maybe that is what he needs is to have his dad around as much as most moms try kids still need a father
tiki Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I don't think that you are over-reacting. You are taking into consideration a wide array of possibilities of what MAY come because of this. I, too, deal with this, but on a much weaker level. It is appropriate to be asked. You are half of the household and your opinion should be valued too. The only rationale that I have is that....because the father is not normally involved, this isn't standard procedure. You guys don't incur these types of issues on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. He may not have realized that he needed to ask you. But the bottom line is that he DOES need to ask you. For resolution purposes, I would sit and talk to your hubby face to face. With each issue weighed out, having the pros and cons in front of you...discuss whether or not this is a good thing for YOUR family. THEN talk to him about the issue of how you'd really like to be asked your opinion. Your opinion does matter (and should be valued). A marriage isn't a unilateral agreement. Leave the conversation about him not asking your opinions for last. This way he doesn't feel attacked in the beginning of the conversation. Let him give his unbiased opinion about his son moving in and let him listen to yours. Good luck. Some of us have to deal with this on a more FREQUENT basis. You're lucky. You've gotta teach some of these fathers to pay you the respect of asking.
brashgal Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Does the son WANT to move in with you? He is the primary person (besides you) that your husband should be talking to - if you don't know how the son feels, this is all academic and I predict will cause big problems for you if he is forced to move in with you. A lot of this is subjective (based upon the mother's observations). She 'thinks' he's using drugs? She 'thinks' he's depressed? 'Her therapist' thinks the boy doesn't know his place - has the therapist spoken with the son or is all this on the say so fo the mother? I think there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. I would have a problem moving a child in with my children who was involved with drugs. I'd much prefer for them to go into a treatment program first and tackle that before taking on two step-siblings, a step-mom and a whole new family dynamic which would probably exacerbate the drug problem. I am a divorced mother of two boys. If one of them wanted to move in with their father, I would not stand in his way but I'd make darn sure he was moving into a good environment.
Author lnichols Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 I might add that his mother has a Master's degree in Psychology and she works with troubled kids. (Go figure!) And you are right, we have only his mother's thoughts on this. From my standpoint as a mother, I think that if she had spoken to her son a little more and her therapist a little less that this problem might not be so bad. I'm saying, let's use some common sense here, like taking his keys until he becomes a little more responsible. Like setting some limits and then making sure that you are around to make sure they are followed. I've had to do some of these same things with my sons and they are good kids. They know I mean business. I try to keep them involved in their activities. I am involved myself with soccer and band boosters. I know their freind's parents. I know that they do. If this woman is so smart, education wise, what can't SHE do this? I've been married since May, but I was a single parent since 1998. Why has she let this happen all these years and she wants relief, now that he is almost done with high school? I just cant help but think that she wants to be free to live her life with her boyfriend and without her son and over there is her ex with a brand new wife. All I know, and I did tell my husband this on Friday, is that if he comes to live with us, and his mother basically washes her hands of him, then I'm the mama and he will treat me with the same respect that I get from my children - with the same rules. I think that this is a set up for failure. He's 17 and his personality is formed. He'll have to make up his mind what kind of a person he wants to be. I don't know how to even go about bringing this up again. I don't want to have the same fight we had on Friday. I can't just let it lay, either. He's gone for the rest of the week and I'm afraid of what will transpire while we are apart. I'm sure he'll unload on his dad and take his advice.
brashgal Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 You don't know what else she may have been through with this boy, she may have tried some of the discipline tactics to no avail. I think I am a relatively good mother but I've been through times with both kids that someone from the outside looking in would wonder about my course of action and lack of results. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you have trouble getting through to them. I don't envy your conversation with your husband. Try to stay rational and not let your emotions cloud your discussion. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!
Author lnichols Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Thanks, brashgal. I need all the help I can get. If there is someone out there who thinks I'm totally off base, Im accepting all points of view. I'm flying blind here. I hate feeling so dumb.
Author lnichols Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Originally posted by soapoperahaven maybe she knows there is nothing she can do and maybe she feels really horrible but isnt it better to have him be with his father then to be out on his own. if i were in the same situation i would do the same it may be benificial to the child maybe that is what he needs is to have his dad around as much as most moms try kids still need a father I have had this argument with several people over the years, and it is one of my pet peaves. Children need good people for role models. No one will tell me that I can't raise my two sons to be good men without the full time influence of a male figure. I get so tired to turning on the news to see more "research" indicating that children from single parent families are doomed to failure. Quite to the contrary, I know several children in two parent families that are pretty messed up. The number of parents involved don't have nearly the influence as the quality of the single parent raising children. My boys are well-balanced, involved, intelligent and well-behaved. I will no more give credit for their accomplishments to their father than he will take responsibility for their misdeeds. If they do well in school, it is because they have good teachers, good study habits and because I am there every day to help them. My kids go to see their father for a good time. For serious life accomplishments, they go to me. That's my job. Sorry about lashing out. The whole single parent thing is my soap box.
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